Chapter 30: For Once, I'm Not Confident. Is This What Being Normal Feels Like?

       Sawyer wanted to run the jumping course on the farm at least once before his family saw him showjumping again so that included waking up a lot earlier than they normally did, and since they lived on a farm, they woke up pretty early.

       As much as I didn't want to wake up early, I actually didn't mind it today. There was just something so calming and peaceful about being outside during sunrise.

       I was sitting on the edge of the fence as Sawyer circled around the course on Raven, either trying to get a feel of it or he was a bit hesitant to get started.

       "You know, in order to clear the jumps, you have to jump over them," I said. "Circling around them doesn't count."

       Sawyer sighed, stopping Raven and keeping him in place. "The jumps are higher than I remember..."

       "If you're not ready, we can always head back to the secret make out spot," I said.

       "You mean the secret training spot?"

       "Yeah, that's what I said."

       Sawyer hesitated for a bit, looking at all the jumps. "Maybe I should just lower them..."

       "Hey, if that will help, then that's what you should do," I said. "As long as you don't push yourself. Need any help lowering the jumps?"

       Sawyer nodded so I hopped off the fence and lowered all the jumps at the height Sawyer wanted them to be at. Once they were done, I sat down back on the fence as Sawyer, once again, circled around the jumps.

       "Sawyer, if you're really not ready, we can just go to the other one," I said.

       "No, I need to do this," Sawyer said. "Especially with the fair being so soon. Training on just the jumps in the forest isn't going to help at all. I just... Need a few more moments to prepare."

       About a minute or so passed before Sawyer said he was going to give it a shot. "Do you want me to time it?" I asked.

       Sawyer shook his head. "Not this time. I have a feeling I'm going to miss some of the jumps so it would be best if I just focus on making them and getting used to it. And I think I could do without the pressure of trying to get the best time right now."

       "Fair enough," I said. "Just for the record, you're going to do great."

       Sawyer gave me a small smile before going to the starting point of the jumps. He took a deep breath before starting the jumping course. Even though these jumps were quite low, they were still a bit higher than the make-do one in the forest, so Raven did hit a few of the jumps.

       Actually, he hit more than a few.

       Raven hit all but one of the jumps.

       Sawyer sighed heavily when he finished the course. "Maybe I'm way too over my head to do this. I only cleared one jump, Jamie. Just one."

       "You haven't done this course in a long time," I said. "It's totally fine that you missed some."

       "I didn't just miss some," Sawyer said. "I missed all of them. I can't do this." He hopped off of Raven and started leading him outside of the jumping course.

       "It was your first run on this course," I said. "You can't give up just like this."

       "I don't want to give up," Sawyer said. "But there's no way I'm going to be ready in time for the fair."

       "You don't have to enter in the fair if you don't want to," I said. "You can enter in the next competition."

       "I don't think I can enter in anymore competitions," Sawyer said. "Maybe my showjumping career ended when I fell off Raven at my last competition."

       "Sawyer, just... just give it another shot," I said. "Please?" To top if off, I gave Sawyer, my puppy dog eyes, something I knew he couldn't say no to.

       Unless he cheated and looked away.

       He didn't, though. He sighed. "Jamie, I told you not to give me those eyes. You know I can't say no when you do that."

       "And that's exactly why I'm giving you these eyes," I said. "I wouldn't push you if you really can't do it but... I've seen what you and Raven can do together. You two were amazing on the forest course. There's no doubt you're going to get back to how you were on this course. You just need to keep practicing and not quit."

       Sawyer hesitated before getting back on Raven. "Is it possible to lower the jumps even more?" he asked.

       "They're as low as they can go," I said. "I can't put them on the ground. You technically won't even be jumping them. You'd be walking over them. Think back to when you first started showjumping. Did you make every single jump?"

       "No," Sawyer said with a sigh. 

       "And think of yourself as a new showjumper," I said. "You're not going to make every single jump. Probably not for a while. In fact, you're just going to fail again and again and again and again and--"

       "You really think I'm going to fail so many times?" Sawyer asked. "That was my first run. I'm not going to fail like that every time."

       "Well, you're not doing another run right now so I can't really tell."

       Sawyer glared at me before starting the course once again, doing a lot better than before. He only knocked down two jumps this time.

       I smiled at that run and once Sawyer looked at me, he said, "I can't believe your reverse psychology attempt worked on me."

       "I am a genius, aren't I?"

       "That's not what I said."

       "But that's what you implied."

       "No, it's not."

       I shrugged. "It's what I heard. So... Are you going to give up?"

       "No, I'm not," Sawyer said. "You're right. I'm not going to make every single jump right away. I'm rusty. I need to take my time."

       "And soon enough, you'll be kicking ass in no time," I said.

       Sawyer smiled at me. "Can you time this run?"

       "Sure thing," I said, pulling my cell phone out of my jacket pocket to time Sawyer's jump.

       He did a lot better this time. Raven did hit the last jump but he didn't knock it down. It was just a small tap.

       I stopped the timer and Sawyer trotted Raven over to me. "How was that?"

       I showed him the time and smiled. "The best one you've done today."

       Sawyer chuckled. "It's the first timed run I did today."

       "Exactly why it was the best," I said. "It really was a good run. Seriously, when the competition comes, you're really going to kick ass. And scr--"

       "No, don't finish that, Jamie," Sawyer said. "Please. My ears can't take anymore."

       "You didn't even know what I was going to say."

       "We've been dating long enough, and you say enough innuendos, for me to have an idea of what you were going to say," Sawyer said. "Now if you're going to excuse me, I'm going to do another run before your innuendos get worse."

       Hey, he was right.

       Sawyer did a few runs before someone in his family finally came outside and noticed that he was doing the jumping course.

       Beth was the first to walk outside, looking extremely shocked to see her son doing the jumping course after months of telling his family he wasn't ready to do it. She walked over to the area and stood beside me. "What is he doing?" she asked. "I thought he wasn't going to get back into showjumping."

       "He wanted to give it a go," I said. 

       "He's doing extremely well for just getting back into it," Beth said.

       "Actually, he's been training for a while," I said. "Just in another location. He..."

       "Didn't want to feel stressed and pushed to do it if we found out?" Beth asked.

       "Yeah, sort of," I said.

       Beth sighed. "I do hate the way I tried pressuring him into getting back to showjumping so soon after his accident. I should have let him get back into it on his own time. Which is what he's doing now and he's doing amazing."

       Sawyer finished his run and that was when he noticed Beth. "Mom, what are you doing out so early?"

       "I was going to ask you the same thing," Beth said. "But I can already see what the answer is. You're showjumping again?"

       "Yeah," Sawyer said. "I couldn't get my mind off of it recently so... Jamie helped me out. He made a course for me in the forest because I didn't want anyone to know yet. I would feel too pressured."

       Beth smiled. "Well, that was sweet of him. And to make sure you still don't feel too pressured, I'll talk to the others. Tell them not to make a big deal about you getting back into it."

       "Thanks," Sawyer said. 

       "Anyway, I'm about to go make some pancakes for everyone," she said. "There's a choice between blueberry, cinnamon, or chocolate chip. Which one do you two want?"

       "I'll take cinnamon," Sawyer said.

       "Blueberry for me, please," I said.

       "Got it," Beth said before walking off.

       Sawyer looked at me. "Want to try this course with Paint? There's going to be jumps like this on the cross-country. And before you ask if I'm sure because I should be training, yes, I'm sure. I already trained enough for the morning."

       I smiled and hopped off the fence, making my way to the stables to get Paint. Once he was all ready to go, I hopped on him and led him to the jumping course. I got Paint to circle around the course so I could really see how it was set up.

       These jumps looked a lot higher now that I was on Paint...

       I got ready to do the jumps but right as I got to the first jump, something inside of me snapped and I pulled on the reigns to stop Paint. I couldn't do this jump.

       "You alright, Jamie?" Sawyer asked from his spot on the fence.

       "Yeah," I said. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just... Are the jumps always this high? Can't we lower them?"

       "Uh, it was you who said if we lower it anymore, it will be on the floor and the horses will be walking over the jumps," Sawyer said. "And also, it's your first time. You're not going to make all of the jumps right away."

       "Right," I said. "I'll try again."

       I got ready to try the jumps again but like the first time, I stopped Paint at the last minute. Paint didn't react well to the sudden stop and started bucking around by I kept my balance, calming Paint down.

       Once Paint was calm, Sawyer said, "Don't do it if you don't want to."

       "I-I want to do it," I said. "I do. I just... I'm not feeling all that confident. And I'm a confident human being. I feel weird. Like... Like I'm normal. Is this what being normal feels like?"

       Sawyer chuckled. "No, I'm pretty sure you're the same person. And it takes a while to try the jumps. You can always do what I did. Just train on the make-do course first."

       "Or the make out course?"

       "You'll never change."

       I smiled at him but I still didn't feel all that confident. Which was weird because whenever I set my mind to something, I could do it. I felt confident doing it.

       And this time, I didn't feel all that confident.

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i love jamie so much i can't.

also if you love horses, pls watch free rein on netflix. it's such a good show omg. season 3 just came out 3 and a half hours ago and it's already a big oof.

fun fact: i got sawyer's horse's name from that show oof.