Monty Python - The Meaning of Life: Live Organ Transplant

Cast:

Mr Brown - Cardin Winchester

Mrs Brown - Velvet Scarlatina

John Cleese - Sun Wukong

Graham Chapman - Neptune Vasilias

Eric Idle - Ren Lie

"So, has anyone here ever contemplated the meaning of life?" Jaune asked.

"To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women," Oscar said.

The others looked at him weirdly.

"I got that from a movie," Oscar said.

"That's what's best in life, not the meaning of life," Nora said.

"Important question," Zack said. "Any of you ever seen one of those organ donation cards?"

"Yup."

"Sure."

"I have one."

"Did you read the fine print?" Jaune asked.

"Why would I do that?" Cardin asked.

"Oh, you'll see," Nora said.

In a nice house, the doorbell was being rung.

"Don't worry, dear!" Cardin said. "I'll get it!"

He opened the door, showing Sun and Neptune outside.

"Yes?" Cardin asked.

"Hello," Sun said. "Uhh, can we have your liver?"

"Uhh... aren't those in the event of death?" Cardin said.

"And since when were you two doctors?" Coco asked.

"Junior detectives or doctors," Yatsuhashi said. "Pick one or the other."

"Who says we can't be both?" Neptune said.

"My what?" Cardin replied.

"Your liver," Sun said. "It's a large, ehh, glandular organ in your abdomen. You know, it's, uh,-- it's reddish-brown. It's sort of, uhh,--"

"Yeah,-- y-- y-- yeah, I know what it is, but... I'm using it, eh," Cardin replied.

"I like where this is going," Ilia said.

"Don't worry," Tyrian said. "It'll grow back."

"No it won't," Watts whispered.

Sun and Neptune shared a look then entered the house.

"Come on, sir," Neptune said and held Cardin to the wall.

"Hey! Hey! Stop!" Cardin protested.

"This is a home invasion!" Cardin protested. "I have my rights!"

"Should have read the fine print, sucker," Velvet said.

"Don't muck us about," Neptune said

Sun searched Cardin, finding his wallet. "Hallo."

"Ge- get off," Cardin said.

"What's this, then? Mmh," Sun said, taking out a card from Cardin's wallet.

"A liver donor's card," Cardin answered.

"Need we say more?" Sun said.

"No!" Neptune said and dragged Cardin over to a table.

"Well, guess they do have the authority to do this," Ironwood said.

"What is this?" Nicolas said. "A dictatorship?"

"All governments are dictatorships," Sienna said. "Just with a different set of rules. After all, it's still a group of idiots telling everyone else what they can do, isn't it?"

"Listen! I can't give it to you now," Cardin said as he was put on the table. "It says, 'in the event of death'. Uh. Oh! Ah. Ah. Eh."

Sun tossed the wallet onto Cardin. "No one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived."

"That's an interesting way to interpret it," Willow said.

"I'm pretty sure they're organ thieves," Winter said.

"No they aren't," Roman said. "I've seen organ thieves. These two are just your run of the mil government employees."

"Just lie there, sir. It won't take a minute," Neptune said as he brought down the knife.

Cardin started screaming as the organ donation began.

"I'm ending my membership," Cardin said, pale.

"Fine print says you can't do that," Amber said.

"Damn it," Cardin cursed.

Velvet entered the room. "'Ere. What's going on?"

"Wait, I married him!?" Velvet cried.

"Terrible choice there," Kali said.

"Uh, he's donating his liver, madam," Sun said.

Cardin screamed some more as Neptune cut Cardin's ribs.

"Why is no one calling the police!? Cardin screams.

"Why would they?" Ozpin asked.

"Perfectly normal organ donation there," Robyn said.

"Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?" Velvet asked.

"That's right, madam," Sun answered.

"Typical of him!" Velvet said, ignoring Cardin's screams of pain. "He goes down to the public library, he sees a few signs up, comes home all full of good intentions. He gives blood. He does cold research. All that sort of thing."

"So, we shouldn't donate stuff?" Ruby asked.

"So long as you make sure to dot all your 'i's and cross all you 't's," Summer said.

Neptune pulled out something definitely important from Cardin's body.

"What do you, uh,-- what do you do with them all, anyway?" Velvet asked.

"They all go to saving lives, madam," Neptune answered.

"Yes, saving good, young lives," Sun nodded.

"What about mine!?" Cardin yelled.

"Well, I did say good, young lives," Sun said.

"Mmm. That's what he used to say," Velvet said. "'It's all for the good of the country' he used to say."

"Do you think it's all for the good of the country?" Velvet asked Sun.

"Hm?" Sun didn't catch the question over the sounds of Cardin screaming.

"Do you think it's all for the good of the country?" Velvet asked again.

"Well, I wouldn't know about that, madam," Sun replied. "We're just, uh, doing our jobs, you know."

"You're not... doctors, then?" Velvet asked.

"Oh. Blimey no," Sun answered as he and Neptune shared a laugh.

"Wait what!?" Saphron said.

"You need a medical degree to be an organ extractor?" Mercury asked.

"Preferably, yes," Clover said.

"Besides, we're just government servants doing our jobs," Neptune said.

"Mum. Dad. I'm off out now. I'll see you about seven," a young man said before leaving the room.

"Right-o, son. Look after yourself," Velvet replied.

Neptune started sawing off another one of Cardin's organs.

"Do you, um,...fancy a cup of tea?" Velvet asked Sun.

"Oh, well, that would be very nice," Sun said. "Thank you. Thank you very much, madam."

They both left the impromptu operation's room, Sun leaving with a, "I thought she'd never ask." to Neptune.

"Well, I'd imagine organ donating is thirsty work," Velvet said.

"Are we all really just going to ignore Cardin's screams of terror and pain?" Weiss asked.

"Yes," Blake said.

"I find it soothing," Adam said.

Sun and Velvet entered the kitchen, where Cardin's organ donation could be seen through a semi-transparent window.

"Uhh, you do realize, uh, he has to be, uh,... well, dead,... by the terms of the card, uh, before he donates his liver," Sun said.

"Well, I told him that, but he never listens to me. Silly man!" Velvet answered as she filled up the kettle.

"Only I was wondering, ehh,... well, you know, what you was thinking of doing after that. I mean, [sniff] will you stay on your own,... or is there, uh,... well, someone else, sort of, uh,... on the horizon?" Sun asked.

"That was the most awkward way to ask someone out I have ever heard," Yang said.

"I've heard worse," Weiss said.

"I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime," Velvet said.

"Not at all. You're a very attractive woman," Sun said.

"Well, I'm certainly not thinking of getting hitched up again," Velvet said.

"Sure?" Sun asked.

"Sure," Velvet confirmed as she lit up the stove.

"Shot down," Sage said.

"Meh," Sun said. "It was worth a shot."

"Can we have your liver, then?" Sun suddenly asked.

"Well, that happened quickly," Cinder said.

"Can't have her, so you make a go for her liver," Hazel said.

"Oh. No, I'd be... scared," Velvet answered.

"All right," Sun said. He snapped his fingers. "I'll tell you what. Look. Listen to this."

Sun opened up the fridge, Ren in a pink suit getting out and began singing.

"It's always good to keep your Ren nice and chilled," Nora said.

"He does seem to overheat quickly," Pyrrha said.

"Nice suit," Jaune complemented.

"Thanks," Ren said.

"How did he get inside the fridge?" Oscar asked.

"He's a magical singing man in a box," Robyn said

"Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Winchester,

And things seem hard or tough,

And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,

And you feel that you've had quite enough."

The wall of the kitchen collapsed, revealing outer space. Ren took Velvet out for a walk in space.

"Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving

And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,

That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,

A sun that is the source of all our power.

The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see

Are moving at a million miles a day

In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,

Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'."

"Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.

It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.

It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,

But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.

We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.

We go 'round every two hundred million years,

And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions

In this amazing and expanding universe."

A rather unique take on how the universe came to be was seen.

Ren and Velvet started walking back to the kitchen.

"The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding

In all of the directions it can whizz

As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,

Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.

So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,

How amazingly unlikely is your birth,

And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,

'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth."

Ren finished his song, went back into the fridge and Sun closed it for him.

"Well, that last part is especially true," Ghira said.

Many of them made sounds of agreement.

"Is that why Atlas is a floating city?" Tai said.

"Well, it's still on Remnant, isn't it?" Raven said.

"Makes you feel so, sort of, insignificant, doesn't it?" Velvet said.

"Yeah. Yeah," Sun said. "Can we have your liver, then?"

"Yeah. All right. You talked me into it," Velvet said.

"Neptune!" Sun called.

"Velvet, no!" Coco cried.

"But Ren's singing was so convincing," Velvet said.

"Ren, you are forbidden from ever singing again," Coco said.

"Not his fault he can make you give up organs by singing," Jaune said.

"Still," Glynda said.

"Well, let's move on," Zack said.