Spaceballs

Cast:

Dark Helmet – Cinder Fall

Colonel Sanders – Arthur Watts

Lone Star – Neptune Varsilles

Barf – Sun Wukong

Princess Vespa – Weiss Schnee

Dot Matrix – Penny Polendina

Radar Technician – Nora Valkryie

"Spaceballs?" Sun said.

"Some of the greatest idiots in the multiverse," Jaune said.

"I'm surprised they haven't blown up their own planet yet," Nora said.

"It was a close-run thing," Zack said. "Shame it never got a sequel."

"Spaceballs 2: The Search For More Money," Jaune said.

"So, this will be a funny one I take it?" Ozpin said.

"You bet," Zack said.

A giant spaceship approached a smaller one.

On the bridge of Spaceball One, Colonel Watts and Dark Helmet stood watch as they got withing range of the ship.

"Princess Schnee's vessel within range, sir," Watts said.

"Good," Cinder said. "Fire a warning shot across her nose."

Spaceball One began firing lasers at the smaller ship, shaking the occupants, Princess Weiss and Penny.

"Ah, classic kidnapping and extortion," Junior said.

"Why am I wearing that ridiculous helmet?" Cinder asked.

"And why am I taking orders from you!?" Watts said.

"I like you tie," Tyrian said. "It's very vulgar."

"Weiss is a princess?" Ruby asked.

"Fitting," Blake said.

"Penny's there too," Yang said. "Also, why are you in a wedding dress?"

"How would I know?" Weiss huffed.

"Looks like someone got cold feet at the last minute," Coco said.

"She's escaping an arranged marriage with a narcoleptic," Zack said.

"That sounds understandable," Velvet said.

Weiss took off her earmuffs. "What's going on?"

"It's either the 4th of July, or someone's trying to kill us!" Penny said.

"Hey, I don't have to put up with this," Weiss said. "I'm rich!"

She grabbed the phone.

"What are you doing?" Penny asked.

"I'm calling my grandfather," Weiss said.

"That's such a rich girl thing to say," Nora said.

"This Weiss is a bit..." Pyrrha said.

"Bratty?" Sun said.

"Spoiled?" Cardin said.

"Bitchy?" Mercury said.

"I'm not like that," Weiss huffed.

"So, I take it I'm someone important here?" Nicolas asked.

"King of an entire planet," Zack said.

"Step up from being CEO for certain," Robyn said.

Back on Spaceball One, Dark Helmet lifted up the faceplate of his oversized helmet.

"Careful you idiot! I said across her nose, not up it!" Cinder yelled at the gunner.

The gunner turned around and lifted his visor, showing that he was cross-eyed.

"Sorry sir, doing my best," the gunner apologized.

"Way to go, Cindy," Hazel said.

"Who made a cross-eyed man a gunner?" Winter asked.

"Whoever it is should be dismissed," Ironwood said.

"I wonder if everyone on that ship is like that," Adam mused.

Jaune and Nora snickered. Assholes.

Cinder felt kind of bad for yelling at a disabled person. She asked Watts, "Who made that man a gunner?"

"I did sir," an officer on the bridge said. He was also cross-eyed. "He's my cousin."

"Who is he?" Cinder asked.

"He's an Asshole, sir," Watts answered.

"I know that," Cinder replied. "What's his name!?"

"That is his name, sir," Watts clarified. "Asshole, Major Asshole."

The audience laughed.

"Asshole!" Neptune roared in laughter.

"What were they on when they named themselves that?" Qrow snickered.

"And he has the rank of major too!" Clover said.

"Imagine if it's a guy whose last name is Dick and first name is Harry?" Melanie said.

"Major Harry Dick!" Miltia giggled.

"And his cousin?"

"He's an Asshole too, sir. Gunner's Mate First Class Phillip Asshole."

"How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow?"

The vast majority of the bridge's crew stood up and raised their hands. "Yo!"

"That's a lot of Assholes," Salem said. "I can't believe I just said that."

"Meh, our family is bigger," Saphron said.

"That honestly surprises me," Glynda said.

"Maybe if they did it in the... you know, then there wouldn't be so many of them," Summer said.

"Tell our mom that," Jaune said. "I dare you."

"What flowers would you like on your second grave?" Saphron asked.

"I knew it, I'm surrounded by Assholes." Cinder pulled down her faceplate. "Keep firing Assholes!"

"I knew it!" Cinder said.

"Hey!" Salem's faction yelled.

Spaceball One went back to shooting at Princess Weiss' ship.

"Hurry pappy, hurry!" Weiss said into the phone. "They're laser blasting all around us! I'm scared."

"It's ironic that she just ran from a marriage that her grandfather arranged, and is now calling him for help," Zack said.

"Well, she is my granddaughter," Nicolas said.

"I wish I'd done that myself," Willow said.

"What? Get kidnapped?" Vernal said.

"Run away," Willow said. "Though getting kidnapped doesn't sound nice."

In another part of space, a space van was seen.

"King Nicolas to Lone Star. King Nicolas to Lone Star. Are you there?"

Inside the van, Neptune and an ape looking Sun were piloting when King Nicolas called.

"Someone returned halfway to monke," Neptune said.

"Why am I half ape?" Sun asked.

"It's kind of a thing here," Zack said.

"I hope you don't shed all over the place," Sage said.

"We'll need to get him a litter box too," Scarlet said.

"Screw you two!" Sun yelled.

"Lone Star, you've got to help me," Nicolas said. "Please, save my granddaughter. She's being attacked by Spaceballs!"

"Spaceballs?" Neptune said. "Forget it. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list."

"What did you do?" Port asked.

"What did I do?" Neptune asked.

"Something unspeakable," Zack said seriously.

"Which is?" Oobleck asked.

"Unspeakable!" Zack repeated.

"Must be something bad," Ilia said.

"Look, your highness," Sun said. "It's not that we're afraid, far from it. It's just that we've got this thing about death. It's not us."

"Please, you must!" Nicolas pleaded. "You're the only ones that can save her. I'll give you anything! Did you hear me? Anything!"

Sun and Neptune looked at one another.

"Anything?" Sun asked.

"Yes, anything!" Nicolas yelled.

"Ok, we'll do it for... a million," Neptune said.

"A million!" Nicolas yelled.

"Deal!" Nicolas said. "Nothing is too much for my grandbabies!"

"Pappy!" Winter, Weiss and Whitley whined. They were not babies!

"Aww... so sickening sweet," Cinder said.

"Looks like the one onscreen doesn't agree," Roman said.

"He'll fold," Neo typed. "They always do."

"Oooh, you're starting to fade here," Sun said. "We're losing picture your highness."

"Alright, alright, I'll pay you. No need to fight. Just save her," Nicolas said.

"Alright king, you just made a deal," Neptune said.

"One princess for one million spacebucks," Sun said.

"You would think she'd be worth more," Ghira said.

"Maybe a million spacebucks is worth a lot," Kali said.

"More than that Winnebago their driving at least," Oscar said.

"It looks like the kind of car we would drive," Sun said.

"It does," Neptune said. "And since I'm apparently the captain, that makes it mine."

"What's she driving?" Neptune asked as Sun took out a note and pen.

"A brand-new white Mercedes 2001 SEL limited edition. Moon roof, all leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid in cash. My cousin, Prince Maria has a dealership in the Valley. He was very nice to me."

"We get the idea," Neptune said. "Where was she last seen?"

"She was just passing Jupiter 2," Nicolas answered.

"We'll find her," Neptune promised.

"Please, bring her back safely," Nicolas begged. "And if it's at all possible, try to save the car."

Nicolas hung up on them.

"Really pappy? The car?" Weiss said.

"Well, it did look like a sweet ride," Nicolas said.

"So, you do the stereotypical rich girl thing of driving a different expensive car every day?" Ruby asked.

"I don't have a driving licence," Weiss said. "And I have a chauffeur for that."

"1 million spacebucks!" Sun cheered. "We'll be able to pay off Junior the Hutt!"

"Give me a paw!" Neptune said.

The two did a weird bromance handshake and howled.

"Yup, those two have been living together for too long alright," Raven said.

"What they need is a woman in their life," Amber said.

"Hey, bros before hoes," Neptune said.

"Just give it a few years," Tai said.

"You would know," Qrow said.

Spaceball One was pulling in Princess Weiss' ship with a tractor beam.

"What's happening?" Weiss asked. "What's that glow? We're not moving."

"Oh, we're moving alright," Penny said. "Backwards."

"Hmm... that sounds like a bad thing," Penny said.

"Way to state the obvious," Adam said.

Neptune and Sun's van flew in.

"Look, there's our princess," Neptune said. "She's got company."

"Oh no, Spaceballs!" Sun said. "They've already got her in their magnetic beam. Oh well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just throw a reverse and we'll get out of here."

"Sun! No! Bad!" Neptune said.

"Honestly," Weiss said.

"Hey, not my fault I don't want to tangle with the obviously evil empire," Sun said.

"Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess?" Sun asked. "I know we need the money."

"Listen," Neptune said. "We're not just doing this for money."

"That's so sweet," Weiss swooned.

"We're doing this for a shit load of money!" Neptune said.

"And moment of sweetness over," Sienna said as Weiss was outraged.

"Sounds about right," Junior said.

"Is that all I am to you?" Weiss yelled at Neptune.

"Well, I don't get paid unless I deliver you safely to your grandfather... So maybe?" Neptune said.

"Oh, you're right," Sun said. "And when you're right, you're right. And you? You're always right."

"Ah, you're too kind," Neptune said. "Let me hear more."

"You're an asshole," Sun said.

"No I'm not," Neptune said. "The Assholes work for her!" He pointed at Cinder.

"Okay, we save her, but how?" Sun asked. "The minute we move in there they're going to spot us on their radar."

"A...ah."

"Uh...huh."

"A...ah."

"Uh...huh."

"A...ah. Not if we jam it!" Neptune said.

"Aha!" Sun said. "You're right!"

"Down scope," Neptune said.

"Down scope." Sun pressed a button and a periscope lowered in front of him. He locked on to Spaceball One's radar dish. "Radar, about to be jammed."

A big jar of jam flew out and covered the radar dish in jam.

"Say what!?" Watts said.

"They jammed the radar, by covering it in actual jam." Ironwood felt his eyebrow twitch.

"And here I expected some cunning technological device," Clover said.

"More fool to you," Summer said.

"We have got to try that on Atlesian ships," Ilia said.

On Spaceball One, the radar screen fizzled out.

The radar technician, Nora, realized that this was a problem. "Shit."

Nora picked up the radio. "Sir."

"What is it?" Watts asked.

"Can I talk to you for a moment, please sir?"

Colonel Watts and Dark Helmet walked over to Nora's station.

"Well?" Watts asked.

Nora spoke into the radio.

"You don't need that private. We're right here. Now what is it?" Watts said, taking the radio out of Nora's hand and back into its place.

Nora's voice was still as if it came out of the radio. Annoyed, Cinder grabbed the radio and threw it away. Now what is it!?"

"Rude," Nora said.

"How did you do that voice thing without the radio anyway?" Penny asked.

"Trade secret," Nora said.

"I'm having trouble with the radar, sir," Nora said.

"What's wrong with it?" Cinder asked.

"I've lost the bleeps, I've lost the sweeps and I've lost creeps," Nora answered.

"The what?" Cinder asked.

"The what?" Watts asked.

"And the what?" Cinder asked.

"You know, the bleeps," Nora began making bleeping sounds. "The sweeps." She began making sweeping sounds. "And the creeps." She began making creeping sounds.

"That's not all she's lost," Cinder said to Watts.

"That was perfectly understandable," Nora said.

"It was?" Cinder asked.

"Don't try to understand it," Ren said. "You're sanity will thank you for it."

"Sir, the radar sir, it appears to be... jammed!" Nora said, horrified as the screen had jam flow down it. They couldn't even use maple syrup like a civilized person!

"Jammed?" Dark Helmet sampled the jam and was immediately pissed off. "Raspberry..."

"There's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry!" Cinder pulled down her faceplate. "Lone Star!"

The camera got too close to her and knocked her down.

"Raspberry, really?" Watts said.

"Well, that's one way of giving someone the raspberry when you're not face to face," Yang giggled.

"Raspberry, how barbaric," Nora said. "Now, maple syrup! That's what you use for proper jamming."

"I hate raspberry!" Cinder roared.

"She does?" Mercury asked.

"You actually forgot that rant?" Emerald asked in disbelief. How could he forget an hour long rant about the superiority of orange jam compared to raspberry?

Neptune and Sun's van flew above Weiss' ship and docked with it. Sun, without wearing a spacesuit since it wasn't in the budget, climbed down the ladder and onto Weiss' ship.

"Was a spacesuit not in the budget?" Jaune asked.

"Apparently," Zack said.

"Hey, how are you breathing in space?" Coco asked Sun.

"How is the fourth wall still intact?" Sun replied.

"Good point," Velvet said.

"What was that?" Weiss asked.

Sun knocked.

"Never mind that, what was that?" Penny asked.

Sun opened the moonroof.

"Hi!" Sun greeted.

"Who are you?" Weiss asked.

"Barf."

"Not in here, mister," Penny said. "This here is a Mercedes."

"No, that's my name," Sun said. "Barf."

"And I thought the Assholes had terrible naming sense," Vernal said.

"At least it isn't Belch," Neptune said.

"Barf?" Weiss repeated. "What are you?"

"I'm a faunus, half man, half animal," Sun said. "I'm my own best friend."

"Huh, I never thought about it like that," Ghira said.

"We're cats, does that make us our own gods?" Kali said.

"Well, Blake does sometimes act like serving her is the greatest honour we could ever have," Ruby said.

"Just for that, you're going to find a dead bird under your pillow," Blake said.

"What do you want?" Weiss asked.

"Your grandfather hired Captain Lone Star and me to save you," Sun answered. "Come on, we've got to hop up this ladder and get out of here."

"Good, quick, hurry as the monkey says," Penny said.

"I'm a faunus," Sun said.

"Wait, what about by matched luggage?" Weiss asked.

Sun ended up carrying the luggage up the ladder.

"Really? Is that all we men are to you women? Bag carriers?" Sun said.

The women's answer was immediate. "Yes."

"As if there was any doubt," Summer said.

"You mean you didn't know that?" Weiss said.

"I thought it was obvious," Blake said.

"Hey, stop looking up my can!" Penny warned Sun who was below her.

"Sorry."

Penny glared at the monkey faunus.

"Sorry," Sun said. "Is there even anything to see?"

"It's the principle of the thing!"

Neptune looked back at Sun coming in loaded to bear with luggage.

"Checking in?" Neptune asked. "What the hell is all that?"

Sun dropped all the bags except the one in his mouth. "It's her royal highness' matched luggage!" He took out the one in his mouth and repeated that.

"Huh, matched luggage huh?" Neptune said. "What, she thinks this is a princess cruise?"

Sun slapped Neptune with his tail. "Well she wouldn't go without it."

"Yeah?" He got slapped again by Sun's tail as he got in his seat.

"Now hear this," Neptune said into the intercom. "The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage."

"You wouldn't!" Weiss said, outraged.

"He would," Winter said. "I am frankly disappointed that you are being rescued and you're more concerned about your luggage."

"Well, she is a typical spoiled princess here," Whitley said.

"But that stuff is probably very expensive," Weiss said.

"And we're stupidly rich," Winter reminded her.

"Who is that?" Penny asked from where she and Weiss were in the passenger's compartment.

Weiss pressed the reply button on the intercom. "Now you hear this, whoever you are. You will not touch that luggage. And furthermore, I want this pigsty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth."

"Listen," Neptune replied. "On this ship, I don't take orders. I give them. This is my dreamboat sweat heart."

"Sweetheart?" Weiss said, triggered.

"Uh oh," Penny said.

"How dare you speak to me that way," Weiss threatened. "You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Weiss, granddaughter of Nicolas, King of Atlas."

"That's all we needed," Neptune groused. An Atlesian princess."

"Funny, she doesn't look Atlesian," Sun said.

"How dare you rescue me in a pigsty!" Weiss yelled.

"Well, you could at least be a little grateful!" Neptune shot back.

"Those two are going to fall in love with one another, aren't they?" Cardin said.

"Yup," Jaune said.

"Definitely," Ren said.

"It's practically a trope," Sun said.

"Sounds like they already got the married couple fights down," Ozpin said.

"You would know," Salem said.

Sun and Neptune's ship turned away and left as Weiss' ship was pulled in by Spaceball One's tractor beam.

Down in Spaceball One's hangar bay, Princess Weiss' ship was surrounded by soldiers. The hangar bay door opened, Colonel Watts and Dark Helmet walking in.

"Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy," Cinder said.

A soldier next to her was about to walk down to the spaceship, only to be stopped by Cinder.

"Hold it," Cinder ordered. "I'll handle this personally."

The soldier returned to formation.

"So, Princess Weiss," Cinder said. "You thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball? Well you were wrong. You are now out prisoner and you will be held hostage until such time, as all of the air is transferred from your planet, to ours."

She opened the door of the ship, only to find it empty.

She lifted up her faceplate. "She's not in there."

"Waste of an intimidating speech," Cinder said.

"There, there," Salem said. "There will always be more opportunities to intimidate your enemies."

Everyone immediately backed away from her and covered their family jewels, afraid that she'd take out her anger on their balls.

"What's up with them?" Tyrian asked.

"A few scenes ago, someone pissed her off," Zack said. "She used her space witch powers to strangle his nads."

All the men backed up from her.

"She's just like Glynda during her edgy phase!" Port said.

"So many balls lost," Oobleck mourned.

"Professor Goodwitch did that!" Fox said, alarmed.

"Oh, she was a spiteful one back in the day," Ozpin said.

"Ozpin..." Glynda said warningly.

"Shutting up," Ozpin said. He valued his balls, thank you very much.

"Radar repaired sir," the intercom announced. "We're picking up the outline of a... Winnebago."

"Winnebago?" Cinder said. "Lone Star."

She banged her fist on the ship. "Lone Star!" The door closed in on her.

"That's hilarious," Watts said.

"Shut up!" Cinder yelled.

"We should get her a helmet just like that one as a gag gift," Tyrian said.

"She'll burn you to death, Salem's disapproval or no," Hazel said.

"It'll be worth it," Tyrian said.

"Uh oh, here comes the bad jimp blimp," Neptune said.

"We got to get out of here in a hurry," Sun said.

"Switch to secret Hyperjets," Neptune ordered.

"Switching to secret Hyperjets," Sun complied.

"Buckle up back there," Neptune said into the intercom. "We're going into... hyperactive."

The back of the van opened up, revealing secret Hyperjets.

"We're closing in on them, sir," Watts said. "In less than a minute, Lone Star will be ours."

"Good," Dark Helmet said. "Prepare to attack."

"Prepare to attack!" Watts ordered.

"On the count of three," Cinder continued. "One... two... Wait!"

The van went into lightspeed.

"What happened, where are they?" Cinder asked.

"Gone, far from you," Neptune smirked.

"Man, these guys are dumb," Sun said.

"What did you say?" Watts said.

"Quick question," Penny said. "Did you refuel your Winnebago?"

Sun and Neptune lost their smirks. "Oh shit!"

"I don't know, sir," Watts said. "They must have Hyperjets on that thing."

"And what do we got on this thing? A Cuisinart?" Cinder yelled.

"No sir," Watts said.

"Well, find them! Catch them!" Cinder yelled.

"Yes, sir," Watts said as he grabbed the intercom. "Prepare ship for lightspeed."

"No, no, no! Lightspeed is too slow," Cinder said.

"Lightspeed too slow?" Watts said.

"Yes, we're going to have to go right to... ludicrous speed!" Cinder announced, much to the shock of the bridge's crew.

"Ludicrous speed?" Watts breathed. "Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it."

She turned to face him. "What's the matter Colonel Watts? Chicken?"

"Yes, chicken?" Cinder taunted.

"Why you!" Watts grinded his teeth.

"Just how fast is ludicrous speed?" Clover asked.

"Ludicrously so, obviously," Nora said.

In a high voice, Watts ordered, "Prepare ship..." Composing himself, he ordered. "Prepare ship, for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seatbelts! Seal all entrances and exits! Close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo!"

Cinder snatched the intercom from him. "Give me that, you petty excuse of an officer!"

"Something we can agree on," Ironwood said.

"It fills my heart with joy," Cinder sarcastically said.

"Why does your ship have all that?" Clover asked. "I get the shops, big ships have them. But a circus and a zoo?"

"Let's just say that they had a lot of empty decks with nothing in them," Jaune said.

Watts quickly fasten himself to a seat.

"Now hear this," Cinder said. "Ludicrous speed..."

"Sir, you had better buckle up!" Watts said.

"Ah, buckle this," Cinder said. "Ludicrous speed, go!"

The ship immediately accelerated.

Cinder held on to the console for dear life.

The ship entered lightspeed, then ridiculous speed and finally, ludicrous speed.

"What have I done!?" Cinder yelled. "My brains are going into my feet!"

The tell-tale blue of lightspeed gave way to the multicolour of ludicrous speed.

Neptune and Sun ducked down as Spaceball One overshot them.

"What the hell was that?" Sun asked.

"Spaceball One," Neptune said.

"They've gone to plaid," Sun said.

"That is ludicrously fast," Tai said.

"Should have listened to the actual military officer," Watts said.

"I will when I see one," Cinder replied.

"Ooh, burn," Emerald said.

"We passed them!" Cinder said. "Stop this thing!"

"We can't stop," Watts said. "It's too dangerous. We've got to slow down first."

"Bullshit!" Cinder said. "Just stop this thing. I order you, stop!"

With great effort, Watts pulled the emergency stop that was never meant to be used.

The ship stopped, sending Cinder flying helmet first into an electrical panel.

"Should have worn a seatbelt," Ruby said.

"At least the helmet must have took the brunt of it," Weiss said.

"Are we sure there isn't permanent brain damage?" Blake asked.

"Not like there was much in there before this," Yang said.

The crew helped her up as Watts unbuckled.

Cinder shakily stood up, her helmet crushed.

"Are you alright, sir?" Watts asked.

"Do I look alright?" Cinder asked.

"I'm sorry, who told you to wear a seatbelt first?" Watts said.

"Children," Salem said. "Behave."

"Like running a day care, isn't it?" Ozpin said.

"How do you survive doing it for centuries?" Salem asked.

"I pawn off all the real work to my deputies," Ozpin said.

Glyna glared at him.

"Fine, how have you been?" Cinder asked.

"Fine, sir," Watts answered.

"Good."

"It was a good thing you were wearing that helmet."

"Yeah."

"What should we do now, sir?"

"Well, are we stopped?"

"We're stopped. sir."

"Good. Why don't we take a five-minute break?"

"Very good, sir."

"Smoke if you got them." And with that, the feared Dark Helmet passed out.

"The most feared person in the galaxy, people!" Roman said.

"Oh, hardy haha," Cinder said.

"This was hilarious," Winter said.

"Agreed," Clover said.

"So, what's next?" Penny asked.

"We shall witness a battle between the sides of Light against Dark," Zack said.

"So, back to the Star Wars one?" Nora said.

"Yup," Zack said. "Also known as senior citizens somehow not throwing out their backs when doing extreme acrobatics."