AU: Human
Ship: Analogical
Prompt: X
Requested by: X
Warnings: Self-harm, unhealthy coping mechanisms, repressed emotions, repressed memories. If I missed any let me know.
Summary: Logan struggled quite a bit in high school, emotionally and mentally speaking. He recovered, but the memories are bound to resurface again. 
F/A/H-C: Angst (leads to hurt/comfort) 
POV: 3rd
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Side Note: I'm tired.  Won't be able to sleep for a while. 

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Logan was different than the others suffering from unhealthy coping mechanisms, or maybe he wasn't and just never reached out to see if anyone was like him or not.

Everything for him was a punishment, a punishment for not being perfect or up to standard. Someone pointing out how tender headed he was when his hair got on something and made him tear up? His solution was to pull and pull at his own hair until he was numb to it. Too much of a picky eater? Forcing himself to eat everything that he'd normally despised when served it. Grades not up entirely to his own standards? That's his only focus until they are, nothing else matters. Not eating, not sleeping.

He feels trapped with this mindset, nothing could help. Well, he believed that nothing could help. He didn't need help. He needed to be fixed. He could fix himself. He began keeping journals. Journals describing what all he was doing in detail to fix himself.

A comment he made causing the conversation to either drop or turn awkward? He has a push-pin in his pocket to prick himself with. A minor dose of pain to correct the mistake and learn not to do it again.

Overslept causing lateness to class? Don't sleep for a day or two.

Burned something while cooking? He burned himself with hot water.

Dropped and broke a glass? Press a shard into his palm, if questioned, say that he dropped a glass. Not incorrect.

But then they only grew, seeping into parts of his personality. Too emotionless one day, too emotional the next day. Too loud, too quiet. Too childish, too mature. The journals filled up with comments like that, their 'solutions' often times conflicting. 

Too emotionless? Razor blade to feel pain. 

Too emotional? Repress everything. Repeat cycle. 

Too loud? Don't speak for a week. 

Too quiet? Barely stop talking for an equal amount of time. Repeat cycle. 

Too childish? Hideaway old possessions such as stuffed animals and forget them.

 Too mature? Frantically look for those stuffed animals again. If failed, see 'Too emotional'. Repeat cycle.

It took him too long to realize how trapped he truly was, and break the cycles himself. Every day a constant battle not to give in to the solutions listed in those journals. He couldn't bring himself to throw them away. So he hid them in a box at the back of his closet, buried deep under books, other boxes with childhood items, kept for sentimental value, and a tarp to hide it even further.

Years have passed since then. The memories that those journals held not forgotten but repressed. Their marks are barely visible now. His husband, of course, makes no comment on them. Either because he couldn't see them or because he didn't want to know, he was not aware of. Either way, he was incredibly grateful for this, as this helped him even more to repress them.

Though, of course, they had to resurface.

Virgil and Logan were in the little storage unit that they had rented out, deciding to clean it out, most of it had just been things left over from when they moved in together. There were things hidden in similar boxes, some with hastily written sharpie sprawled across them labeling them 'storge' and no other specifications. They couldn't remember which one wrote it like that, but it was most likely Virgil.

In the middle of their quips and small stories, they had forgotten to tell surrounding the old items they found. Virgil stopped mid-sentence as he examined the contents in the box. Logan glanced over to him questioningly, "Virgil?" he asked walking over to him. Virgil did not answer, he was focused, reading... Logan's eyes widened when he saw what Virgil was reading. Years of repressed memories came back in an instant as he saw the box that filled with small journals. One of them Virgil was reading.

Virgil looked up at him, his eyes watering, "Logan...? Was all this what, what was going on in high school?" The two had known each other for years prior to even dating, gone both to high school and college together. "I always could tell something was up, but you never said anything." Virgil's voice was shaky, he immediately stood up and hugged him tightly. "You never told me, not me, not Patton, not Roman... Why didn't you say something?"

Normally Virgil would understand, it's difficult to talk about these things, but Logan often stated everything directly. Direct, to the point, no secrets. Lying only caused misinformation. That was what he went by. Logan slowly came back to himself, wrapping his arms around Virgil. Allowing him to cling to him. "Babe... Please..." Virgil murmured.

Logan took a deep breath, pressing back tears that formed in his own eyes. Too emotional. His mind snapped at him, he only held Virgil tighter. Trying his best to ignore the words in his head as he had all those years ago. The echoes of his unhealthy coping mechanisms came back, but he knew better now. He was able to ward them away easier now. Not that it was the easiest thing to do, but it wasn't as difficult as it used to be.

Logan eventually got himself under control, not pulling away from Virgil, but loosening his grip, silently saying that he was okay. Virgil was the one to pull away, only slightly, however, just to look Logan in the face, he was wanting an answer for his question still, but he wasn't going to pester him for it exactly again. If Logan didn't want to say it, he didn't have to. Logan pulled away from Virgil fully, glancing down at the ground instead. The words hesitated on his lips.

"My thought process then was unhealthy, it described the world in nothing but black and white, problem-solution. So when I began noticing things about myself that did not seem to fit well with whatever I needed to be at the moment. It was just a problem. A problem that needed to be fixed. I needed to fix myself." Logan took in a shaky breath as a few tears fell, "by any means necessary."