" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

3rd Person POV:

Kazuma: Gee, this is kind of embarrassing. I never imagined, at my level... That I'd get killed by a bunch of Kobolds.

Eris: ... ... ...

Kazuma: Look, don't get me wrong, it was going great for a while there ! I let the other adventurers handle the really dangerous monsters. Perfect excuse for me to show off my sharpshooting skills on the kobolds. Small fries, right ? I let Darkness lead the way while I took potshots from behind her. Don't mind saying I racked up a few kills !

Kazuma: But... Then I might have let myself get a little carried away. Kobolds didn't scare me ! I was more than a match for them, right ? So I picked an especially weak-looking one ans starting chasing him, but...

Kazuma: Y- yeah, I let him lead me too far behind enemy lines... But how was I supposed to know there would be that many kobolds waiting to ambush me ?! And there was a white flash, and...

Kazuma: Argh ! I told everyone I was gonna win... And then I got beaten to death by the most pathetic enemies around.

Eris: ... ... ...

Kazuma: E- Eris-same, I was wrong ! I know I made a mistake and died an embarrassing death, and I've repented ! So just give me a smile...

Eris: ... using sexual harassment just to get back at someone is not okay, understand ?

Kazuma: ... Huh ? H- hey, what are you talking about... Was that about Megumin ? Darkness ? Chris ?

Kazuma: Please, please, forgive me ! I won't make any more excuses ! I don't know what i'm apologizing for, but please !

Eris: Sheesh, your harassment is getting out of hand. I guess that's enough teasing for now. Besides, I have a favor to ask of you.

Kazuma: A favor ?

Eris: One of my disciple recently got in touch with your comrade with... Mitigated results. The thing is, the divine items Aqua-senpai handed out have gone missing somewhere.

Kazuma: Wait, did Y/n get in touch with the Eris Church recently ? He never said anything about it...

Eris: This is beside the point. This is about these divine items. I'm sure you've already seen some before.

Kazuma: ... yeah, but... Aren't they supposed to choose their masters or whatever ? That enchanted sword I tried using once, it turned out only the owner could wield it.

Eris: You're right, as far as it goes. Only those who have been granted a divine item can access its full power. For other, a magical blade that can cut anything is just a regular sword, or a magic staff of limitless mana just makes your magic recharges a little faster. That quality helps prevent most divine items from being misused should they fall into the wrong hands. But the two missing items here have enough power to cause serious trouble, even if they aren't at full capacity. The first one let's you summon a monster without any cost normally, but even so, you can summon anything by paying now. And the other one is a body-swap item, being that the swap is only temporary if you're not its owner.

Kazuma: I see... Same power, just limited.

Eris: There's one more fail-safe, a word of power you have to speak to activate the items. But you never know... And if it got out that these, even weak versions of themselves, are usable, there are people who might blame "Transplants" like yourself. Kazuma-san... If you give the recovered divine items to Aqua-senpai, she'll seal them up. I can't offer you any reward or even fame or glory, but I'm begging you... Will you do this for my sake ?

Aqua: Hey ! Welcome back, o he who was murdered by kobolds.

Kazuma: I'LL KNOCK YOU DEAD, YOU NO-GOOD GODDESS !! That's the first thing you say to a guy who's just come back to life ?! You could leanr a thing or two from Eris-sama !

Aqua: I don't want any lectures from someone who couldn't even survive a few kobolds.

Kazuma: Just a second... Is the battle over already ?

Aqua: Sure is. That was a pretty big group of monsters that attacked us.

Kazuma: Dumbass ! Don't wait until everything is over to bring me back !

Aqua: Why not ? You'd just die again.

Kazuma: Erk... Well, uh, even so... Hey, looks like we got off pretty light for such a big battle.

Adventurer: Hey ! Aqua-san ! Fantastic work resurrecting everybody ! We've got our bast, most celebratory wine waiting for you ! I love having Arch-priests around ! I can't believe you can use resurrection ! Thanks to you, there wasn't a single casualty on our side !

Kazuma: 'Huh, so Aqua healed everybody who got hurt. Far cry from the airheaded goddess I usually know, that's for sure.

Adventurers: lady Dustiness, your performance in this battle was astounding ! No kidding ! Those magic spells rolled off you like they were nothing as you dived into the heart of the demon king's army ! Did you see the look on the commander's face as she was charging him ?! i'll never forget it ! With you drawing the enemy's attacks, the rest of us got off easy !

Darkness: Oh... please, I-

Kazuma: 'Huh, so Darkness had her fifteen minutes too... They're right. Decoy would sure be a useful skill in a battle this large.'

Adventure: One-man army ! The one-man army !! Even outnumbered a thousand to one, you didn't even flinch ! Who knew summoners could turn the tides of battle by summoning their own armies ?! Their terror when the understood they were the one getting outnumbered and surrounded !

"Please, you're exaggerating... But by all means, continue exaggerating."

Adventurer: EVERYONE, MAKE WAY !! MVP OF THE BATTLE COMING THROUGH !! HERE COME MEGUMIN, THE GIRL WHO REDUCES EVERYTHING TO ASH ! MAKE WAAAAAAY !!

Kazuma: I'll bite. The hell ?

"Well, Megumin was so desperate to be a part of this battle, but the quarters were just too close early on. Once the demon king's troops realized they couldn't win though, they started to fall back. 'We'll be back with an army ten times this size, and we'll reduce the capital to ash !' I think their commander spouted something like that, before eating an Explosion head-on.

Kazuma: 'Geez, even Megumin ? I know how much she loves dropping explosions on horde of enemies... Huh ? Am I the only one who didn't do anything cool ?'

Adventurers: the only thing better than how she blew away that army was how she taunted them afterward ! "My name is Megumin ! First among the magic users of Axel and wielder of Explosion magic ! It seems it is you who have been reduced to ash..." so awesome !

Megumin: Heh. It was nothing. I never expected such minor enemies to stand in the face of my Explosion. For my great magic has buried Generals of the Demon king and even the infamous Destroyer !

Adventurers: Holy crap ! So you really did take out Destroyer ?! What a truly great wizard ! I would love to see what you can do with something besides Explosion magic ! Aw yeah ! Your advanced magic must be destructive beyond belief !

Megumin: Uh... Y- yes, of course, but right now, I'm quite out of MP...

Adventurers: Of course ! You can show us tomorrow. I can't wait ! Yeah ! I'll tell everyone to come and see !

Megumin: Er... I might be a but busy tomorrow...

Adventurers: Don't worry, we'll wait as long as we need to !

Megumin: let's get back to Axel tomorrow. Before dawn, if possible.

"You really don't want to disappoint your audience, do you ? Why not just tell them you can only use Explosion Magic ?

Kazuma: What are we even doing here ?

"I guess there will be some kind of banquet to celebrate this victory."

Kazuma: Meh, not really feeling it... I think I'll just wait out here.

Iris: There you are ! Big brother ! I'm so glad you're back safely !

"You shouldn't go and call me that, especially in public. People might get the wrong idea, Iris.

Iris: O- Oh, okay...

"But I'm glad everything went smoothly. Well, if we exclude the fact Kazuma did die...

Iris: D- Die ?! Are you sure you're all right ?

"You don't have to worry. It's a given for adventurers like us to put our live at stake. And for someone like Kazuma to charge at the enemy, it's another given."

Iris: i'm glad. You all fought bravely to defend the capital ! I'm going to talk to Claire again and see if she won't let you stay in the castle now.

"As appealing as it seem, I have reason to think staying here would just put everyone in more danger."

Iris: At least stay a few days until you've rested. I'll see you tonight at the banquet !

Kazuma: ... ... Lucky bastard, when did you and the princess got so acquainted ? Why is she calling you "Big brother" left and right ?

Megumin: When we get back to Axel, shall I start calling you "Onii-chan" as well, Kazuma ?

Kazuma: No way ! You're my number one loli girl ! You can't be my little sister !

Megumin: hey ! Stop treating me like a Loli character !!

Kazuma: Damn it... I'm really jealous that you got to lounge around in such an opulent room. Delicious food every day, maids taking care of your every whim... Why would you ever want to go home ?

"Luxury, pomp, royalty... It just isn't my element. It's like trying to put a fish in pure gold. Even if it's still a liquid, he won't survive long..."

Kazuma: That's one weird-ass analogy...

"I just prefer the homely feeling in Axel. And beside... Life would be super bland without you guys bickering around all day.

Iris: Big brother... May I have a moment ?

"Let me guess, she said no ?"

Iris: i'm so sorry. I positively begged Claire, I swear I did;..

"It's fine. It would be odd for someone like me to stay in this castle anyway. i'm an adventurer, i'm made to wander around on quests and missions."

iris: B- But you put your life on the line to defend me ! I'm the one who can't seem to do anything useful...

Megumin: ... ... Oh ? Well, now ! That's some magic item. I guess a princess can afford the very best !

Iris: What ?

Megumin: Your necklace... the power I feel from it is off the charts. It's so strong, it practically seems divine.

Iris: My necklace... Divine ? My older brother, my real one, gave me this necklace. It protects me, since he can't be here to do it himself.

Megumin: And how's it do that ? It must have some incredible magical power, right ?

Iris: Er, as it happens... No one has figured out how to use this item yet. Some believe that if you say the right words, it will actvate. And it seems likely these characters on the back have something to do with those words. But even the castle's smartest scholars haven't been able to figure out what they say...

"Characters... That looks like plain old Japanese to me..."

Kazuma: Yeah, that's it... "What's yours is mine, what's mine is yours. Be me, you !"

"... Stupid joke, whoever made that pendant has some weird humor... Hold on a second... Divine item... Japanese..."

Kazuma: Th- The hell ?!

Iris: I think... I think the magic is activating... !

"I don't really know what's going on, but I have a feeling it isn't good ! Get rid of that necklace before something bad happe-"

"... ... ... ... Is everyone here in one piece ? No missing limbs or whatever ?"

Megumin: ... I don't think anything happened.

Iris: ... What ?! What the hell are you talking about, you two ?! Something happened all right ! Something insane ! can't you tell ?!

Megumin: Huh ?! Princess, such a familiar mode of address is unlike you ! In fact, you sound like Kazuma !

"I... I think you're way closer than you'd like to admit... In fact... I think this is not Iris you're talking to..."

Megumin: What ?!

Kazuma: Um, excuse me... I'm Iris. I'm sitting right here...