" ": You talking

' ': You thinking

* *: Narrator/Voice-off

Your POV:

Kazuma: I'm Iris. I'm sitting right here.

Megumin: ... ... ...

"... ... ..."

Iris: WHAAAAAAAT ?! For real ?! I'm Iris now ?! Oh man ! i'm in a frilly dress and everything ! Wow ! It's like waking up to find out someone put girl clothes on me ! it's kind of... Fresh and exciting !

Kazuma: Stop !! Don't do such crude things with my body !!

Iris: You girls are something else ! You walk around in public completely defenseless like this ?!

"Get away from each other this instant !! This looks absolutely wrong on so many levels !"

Claire: Lady Iris ! I hear a lot of yelling ! Is everything all right ?!

Kazuma: 'C- Claire !'

Iris: C- Claire ? It's nothing ! I j- just got a little riled up talking to them !

Claire: Is... Is that so ? Well and good, then... But see that you don't spend too much time talking with the likes of them.

Iris: I- It's all right ! Don't worry about us !

"That was close... You think we should tell her ?"

Kazuma: A- Absolutely not !

Iris: But what do we do now ? Personally, I don't necessarily mind spending the rest of my life as a beautiful girl, but it is hard to let go of the body I was born and raised in...

Megumin: He really said it without any hesitation...

Iris: Man, what a pain... I tried repeating the sacred words, but this thing just glows a little. We don't change back !

"You think there's a different incantation to undo the switch ?"

Megumin: Still, that's quite a trick. Making people switch bodies... I've never heard of such a powerful item.

"... Switch bodies... Divine item..."

Chris: The items I'm looking for... One of them summons a random monster and allows you to control it without paying a price. The other allows you to switch bodies with another person...

"... ... ... O-ohhhhhhhh..."

Kazuma: ... What am I going to do... ? What if I never get back to my body ? Will I be forced to live out my life as an adventurer ? Chased out of the castle, left to go on a dangerous journey... Then again, adventurers live lives of freedom, unconstrained by any rules... Facing monsters with their trusty companions, discovering lands unknown... Big brother, what shall I do ? I'm starting to think this might not be so bad after all !

"Too fast. You're reaching the fifth stage of grief way too fast. I know grass always looks greener elsewhere, but please don't say something so stupid..."

Iris: 'I guess we really can't go on like this... If this thing technically casts a curse, Aqua might be able to do something about it... Hm ? Wait, speaking of Aqua...'

Eris: Aqua-senpai set several divine items loose in this world... please, would you help me retrieve them ?

Iris: 'Could this be... ?!' All right, guys, don't worry. I know what we're dealing with now. This thing's a divine item. If anyone but the original owner uses it, it'll only work for a limited time. I don't know for how long, but we aren't stuck this way forever.

"Phew... So you'll switch back eventually... Thank Eris."

Kazuma: ... U- Um, Big brother, I have a request. I... I want to leave the castle without any bodyguards !

"You what ?! That's not a good idea, definitely not a good idea !"

Kazuma: I'm begging you ! Just one, while I look like this !

"... Okay, I get it, you spend all your time cooped up in the castle, only going out with an entourage... But while I believe we can explain the whole 'Incident' to Claire, saying we purposely let you out without any escort is a one-way ticket to death penalty..."

Kazuma: ... So I really can't ?

"Alone is out of the question... But I'd need to stay here and make sure Kazuma doesn't do anything stupid with your body..."

Megumin: It would seem there is no choice. Since nether of them can go with you looking like that, I shall accompany you.

Kazuma: You will ?! Really ?! Thank you ever so much, Onee-sama !

Megumin: ... ... Please don't ever call me that while in that body... Just Megumin would be better...

Kazuma: O- Of course, Megumin-san !

Iris: I'm glad you're taking her and all, but are you two gonna be okay ?

"... ... I have a lot of seekers. It's dangerous to go alone, so take one with you. And about you, Kazuma, you stay here and don't make any ruckus."

Iris: Fine, fine, geez...

"Just give me a sec."

"Ah, Claire, good timing. I was looking for you."

Claire: What for ?

"Uhhh... Okay, take a seat... Please put your sword away... And take a deep breath."

Claire: ... I'm scared...

"Y- You should... It's about Iris and Kazuma... In short..."

Claire: LET ME GO !!

"Stop that ! This is why I asked you to calm down first !!"

Claire: I WILL CUT OFF THAT MAN'S HEAD WITH MY OWN HANDS !!

"And that's why I asked you to put your sword away ! I'm telling you, that was an incident !! No one tried anything !"

Claire: GH- !! Guuuuuuurg...

"I beg of you, calm down ! We came to the conclusion that the switch won't last long, they'll switch back eventually. So please help make sure no one catches on in the meantime !"

Claire: Kh... Let's assume... I "Play along"...

"Well, i'm also staying here to make sure Kazuma doesn't do anything... 'inappropriate'..."

Claire: Thank Eris... But what of the princess...

"... ... ... ... ... ... ..."

Claire: ... What. Of. Lady. Iris ?

"She, uh... While she is in possession of Kazuma's body, she... insisted that... She take a stroll outside the castle- BUARF !!"

Claire: YOU BUFFOON !! WHAT IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO HER ?!

"LET ME FINISH !! Megumin is escorting her as we speak, and I detached one of my seekers to watch over them ! Shall any form of danger arise, I'll get there instantly ! Trust me, while they switched, the most dangerous one is Kazuma, hence why I stayed here !"

Claire: ... Let's say I believe you... Is there anything to do ?

"Just make sure no one else finds out. Maintain the illusion nothing happened until they switch back."

Claire: ... Fine.

Iris: 'Guess I can't stay in that room alone forever. I'll just strut around the castle to kill some time. Man... This is great ! Everybody's bowin' to me ! I could get used to this !'

Claire: ... 'I can't get used to that... No matter what, I can't...'

'Please just hold strong. It can't last longer than an hour or two...'

Mitsurugi: Oh... Lady iris, Lady Claire, well met.

"Mitsurugi ? I wasn't expecting to meet you there of all places."

Mitsurugi: Likewise. Are you also here about the battle ? You did acquit yourself quite wonderfully after all.

Claire: So did you, Mitsurugi sir. I must apologize for always asking you to take the most dangerous assignments...

Mitsurugi: Oh, it was nothing. Besides... It's my duty to protect the people of this country and Lady Iris !

Iris: ... Claire, no one is to touch the royal head so casually. Put this man to death !

Mitsurugi: What ?! Lady Iris, I- I didn't mean it that way !

Iris: 'Who knows how many girls he's loved and left ? Lady-killer !'

'Stop, Claire ! I beg of you, contain the murder intent !!'

Claire: 'He's ruining Lady-Iris' image ! Let go ! I'll cut off his head !'

'This is Iris' head ! Stop !!'

Iris: 'Hrmm. I don't see her anywhere. I was sure she came to the castle...'

Claire: Hmm... I- Gh... lady Iris ? What's the matter ? Are you looking for someone ?

Iris: Claire... Is Lalatina not here ?

Claire: What Lady Dustiness ?

Iris: Yes, I wish (in this body) to tease- I mean, to commend her for her performance in the last battle.

Claire: I- I see. Yes, of course. Lady Dustiness was hit with fire magic in the fighting and came here covered in soot, so... She's in the bath right now.

'Red flag. No matter what, do not let her... Er, him get close to the baths.'

Iris: Claire ! Take me there immediately ! i'm going to get in there with her and wash her back !

Claire: L- L- Lady Iris ?!

'And now his true persona is surfacing. See now why I decided to stay ?'

Claire: 'That disgusting... When he switches back, I will kick him so hard it'll send him back to Axel in one go !'

Iris: ... Oh, Claire... You work so hard every day. Please let me wash your back too... To thank you. Is that okay...

'Uh-Oh... Okay, deep breath. Remember, this is not Iris talking, don't-'

Claire: But of course, lady Iris ! let's go ! Let's get going right now !

'No, stop ! Don't sway ! Don't give in, you lolicon !!'

Darkness: Oh, lady Iris. Have you come to wash before the party ?

Iris: Oh, er... What about you, Lalatina ? Already finished ? 'Damn... Too late.'

Darkness: Hm ? Yes, my lady, I'm done bathing... Wait, Y/n ? What are you doing here ?

"Looking after Iris. And about that, you really should know, it's not-"

Iris: 'You're not ruining it this time, man !' I see... And here I so wished to wash your back, Lalatina, to reward you for your fine deeds in battle... And Claire's too. But it seems I'm too late... What a terrible shame...

Darkness: O- Oh, far be it from me to let your goodwill go to waste, my lady ! A second bath sounds just fine !!

"W- Wait, no ! Darkness, don't get fooled ! This is-"

Iris: I thank you for escorting me, but you're dismissed.

"You little... Claire, snap out of it !"

Claire: Y- You heard Lady Iris. Please get out.

"You... I... ... ... Fine. You know what, fine. I refute any and all responsibilities in whatever will happen here from now on. I warned you, so it's in your hands now."

Darkness: ... ... What does he mean ?

Iris: Nothing !

Darkness: ... I wouldn't have minded if he stayed...

Iris: What ?!

Claire: What could be wrong, lady Iris ? Hurry and undress...

Iris: Huh ? Oh, Claire... C- Claire, wait ! I can do it myself !

Claire: Nonsense ! Let me help !

Darkness: A- All right, Lady Iris... A- Ahem... Let us start washing one another's backs, then...

Iris: 'Ah... Now I see. I'm beginning to understand why whatever Japanese guy came here before me wanted this divine item. Iris might find out about this, but what do I care ?!' Y-yes, let's.

Iris: Allow me to go first... If you would both remove your t- towels...

Claire: S- Sure...

Iris: 'Oh Eris-sama, Goddess of good fortune ! I've never been so grateful for the strength of my lu-

Adventurer: I'VE HAD IT UP THERE WITH YOU, PUNK !! YOU'RE READY TO INSULT MY BROS, BUT ARE YOU READY TO LAY IT ON THE LINE ?!

Kazuma: Uh... What ? Where am I ?

"Don't ask me. I got here just a few seconds ago."

Megumin: That's the spirit !! Now make them your punching bags !!

Kazuma: Wait just a damn minute ! H- Hey, Megumin, what have you been doing to me out here ?!

Megumin: What is the holdup, princess ?! Give them the old one-two !!

Kazuma: I don't think you-

Adventurer: LESS CHATTIN', MORE ASS-KICKIN' ! GET 'EM, BOYS !!

Megumin: All I wanted was to show the princes some adventure. A shame you had to switch back right at the good part.

"Good part ? You were supposed to keep Iris away from danger. What do you think would've happened if I didn't take three of them out ?"

Megumin: There was no danger, she is very strong. The royals here are taught how to defend themselves from a very young age. Even in your body, I don't believe that fight would have been any problem from her.

Kazuma: ... ... ...

"And since you switched... Kazuma, can you guess where Iris is right now ?"

Kazuma: Uhhhhhhh...

Iris: Um... May I ask... ?

"So how'd you end up with these guys bearing down on you ?"

Megumin: After the princess and I did some shopping, we ran into those men on an abandoned side street.

Kazuma: Standard mugging, huh ?

Megumin: No. I believe normally, on seeing a woman such as myself, they would say "Cute friend ya got there !" or the like. But they hardly spared me a glance, so I demanded to know what kind of shiftless cowards they were, and-

Kazuma: You provoked them ?!

Megumin: Okay, so there were some hiccups here and there, but the princess quite enjoyed herself. For one thing, it seemed she had never tried street food before.

Kazuma: Hrm... Fine then, I guess... I just hope people don't go blaming me for being a bad influence again...

"If I were you, I'd worry about a much greater danger coming right your way, Kazuma."

Kazuma: Like what ?

"That. It was fun knowing you, Kazuma. I'll go fetch Aqua for when they're done with you."

"... In any other circumstance... I'd try and cheer you up or something... But this time, I have nothing. You kinda deserved that one."

Kazuma: I never meant to do it, I swear... But with the way everyone bowed to me around here, I started to think I could get away with anything. Even Iris was angry. I mean, steaming mad !

"Can you blame her ?"

Nobles: Alas, but this latest battle was a complete cakewalk ! And it's all thanks to Lady Dustiness and her astounding party ! She herself led the charge, defending every blow from the enemy !

Nobles: And Lady Aqua purified whole masses of undead and healed even the most grievous wounds !

Nobles: Let's not forget what turned the tides of battle, the summoned army ! Fitting from the one nicknamed "One-man-army" !!

Nobles: And when the foe tried to retreat, Megumin finished them all in one fell swoop ! I dare say these four could even topple the Demon King by themselves !

Nobles: And let's not forget Sir Mitsurugi, hero of the enchanted blade, and his lady friends ! Why, if he joined them, their party would be unstoppable ! Ah, joyous day ! Our kingdom rests in good hands ! Speaking of parties, that's what I plan to do all night !

Kazuma: 'Aren't they forgetting someone in that party ? Oh, who am I kidding ? Even I know what they're thinking...'

Claire: You're still here ? I thought you might have the good grace to realize there's no place for you here and stay away.

Kazuma: Urg...

Claire: For your information, Lady Dustiness and her companions have been invited to stay at the castle tonight. You, however, may go home.

"... ... You're being awfully cocky after what happened, aren't you ? Loliclaire ?"

Claire: GH- Nonsense ! I don't know what you mean !

"Don't even try to deny, you were ecstatic at the idea of taking a bath with Iris."

Claire: M- Me, happy to bathe with Irirs'sama ! The... The Very thought...

"So you claim it's only loyalty, huh..."

Claire: Of course... !

"To the point of forgetting it was actually Kazuma ? I think I tried to remind you three times, but you weren't listening."

Kazuma: Yup. It ain't just loyalty alright.

Claire: Oh... and I heard you never actually finished off a general of the demon king yourself. It was always Lady Dustiness or one of your friends who did it.

Kazuma: Guh... You don't get it ! I'm the leader ! Anyway, you know they have flaws too, right ?

Claire: yes, and I've heard about them. But that just means they need someone to lead them, doesn't it ?

"hence why we couldn't ask for a better party leader. Should he have an army at his disposal, his quick-thinking and wits would lead an entire kingdom to victory."

Nobles: One-man-army ! Please don't be shy ! Come share stories of battle to us !

"Hey, no, wait... Hey, wait, my leader needs my moral support ! Stop !"

Claire: See ? This is the difference between you. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Mitsurugi asks them to join his party soon. You have plenty of cash, right ? Why not drop out and live a nice, quiet life in your little town ? Of course, if you claim to have even more strength than they do, that would be a different story...

Kazuma: Damn sadist ! I'll figure it out, believe me ! Also, what happened to that necklace Iris was wearing ? It's a divine item, and we need to deal it before it hurts anyone. Could you give it to Aqua ?

Claire: hrm ? No, I couldn't. The necklace originally belonged to the first prince, Jatis. It's not mine to dispose of. How much harm could a short-term body swap do anyway ?

Kazuma: 'Ohh, she wants another taste of what she got today...'

Claire: All right, enough. I want you out of the capital by sunset tomorrow. As for tonight, enjoy your last banquet at the castle. If you feel you did anything to deserve it, that is...

Kazuma: THIS SUCKS ! But... NO, THIS TOTALLY SUCKS !! SHE REALLY HAD TO TWIST THE KNIFE RIGHT TO THE VERY END, DIDN'T SHE ?! I know it was partly my fault... Okay, it was all my fault ! But don't I at least get an "A" for effort ?! DAMMIT ! FINE, FORGET IT ! I'll go back to Axel and live it up !!

Kazuma: Yeah... yeah ! Heh-heh, I'll enjoy myself till I drop ! What'll I do first when I get home ? Even I get tired of just sleeping all day. Oooh, I know. Aqua brought a game machine back from the crimson magic village, didn't she ? I'll take it off her and play to my heart's content ! That'll show 'em !

Kazuma: ... 'Man, what am I feeling here ? Until just now, I couldn't wait ti ditch them and find a real party... hey... They wouldn't really join Mitsurugi's party, would they ?'

Chris: Hey.

Kazuma: WHAT THE- ?! Chris ?! What the hell are you doing here ?!

Chris: I heard there was a party. Aren't you in bed pretty early ? Not gonna join the fun ?

Kazuma: How do you know about that ?

Chris: ... Well, I wanted Y/n's help with these divine items, but I guess you'll have to do instead...

Kazuma: Help ? Divine items ? Wait, you're that Eris devout who's after these items ?! Well, if he answered no, then mine's the same ! The divine item in the castle lets people swap bodies, but only for a few minutes, so it can't hurt anyone. So go and handle it yourself or whatever.

Chris: That item ? If one of you dies while your bodies are swapped, the other one can never go back.

Kazuma: ... I'm sorry, what was that ?

Chris: Play your cards right, and that item could even grant you eternal life. Think of it. When you get too old, just swap with a healthy, young body and then kill the old one. If you bequeath all your possessions to them before you do it, so much the better.

Kazuma: Whoa, hold on, that's no laughing matter... I've got it. Then we just don't tell anyone about this power, right ?

Chris: Nice try. But some noble somewhere bought the item... And then it suddenly ended up in the hands of the princess. Strange, right ? Who gave it to her and what for ?

Kazuma: Well, obviously so that they could swap bodies with the most powerful person in the country and- Whoa ! Hey, that's no joke !! We've gotta tell the biggest bigwigs we can find !

Chris: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Do you know what would happen if they found out about that thing's power ? i'll tell you. Every noble in the nation would come after it. I don't think even the royal family can be completely trusted not to use it for evil. In fact, I think the more power someone has, the more likely they are to covet eternal life. Heck, the reason i'm telling you about it is because I figured you wouldn't misuse it.

Kazuma: 'Uh... Trying to get in the bath with some girls seems like misusing it to me...' How are we even gonna take it ? I'm not allowed in the castle anymore.

Chris: You, maybe... But i'm pretty sure we have a man inside who knows about it, and can actually approach the princess. So, you in for saving this entire kingdom ?