Cgc

I probably shouldn't be watching film for the team we're playing until next week, but I'm not worried about this week's game. We play Arizona and they're not having their best season. Next week, we go against Fresno State who's a little tougher. I fucked up when it came to Oregon as I didn't see them as much of a threat until I stood on the field and they kicked our ass. I'm not making that mistake again, so here I am. Plus, watching film for both teams has consumed most of my week. Surprisingly, I've been more focused on school and football. I haven't gone out as much and haven't touched alcohol since Valdez's birthday a couple of days ago.

A knock on my door disrupts my alone time. I sigh and press pause on the tv. "Yeah," I say. Xander walks into my room, leaving the door open behind him. We're the only ones home as Valdez and Rhys went out with Nova and Monet. "You sap. When are you gonna get out of this room, man?" Xander plops down on my bed with his body in the opposite direction of mine. "I'm watching film," I tell him. He turns towards the flat screen and narrows his eyes to see better. "Fresno?" he questions. I nod. "We need to watch out for number twenty-six, corner. I'm sure he's going to be on you not Max since you're tougher," I say.

He looks at me for a long moment before a smile tugs onto his lips. Asshole. I didn't mean to just compliment like that. I would take it back, but I brush it off. "I'll make sure to keep an eye out for him when watching Fresno film. Next week." He raises a brow at me. "I'm not worried about Arizona," I admit. He shakes his head. "Me either. But I'm not watching film on Fresno when I don't got to. You're just doing anything to hold yourself up in here, man." While his truth would bother me, I don't let it. He's right. I have been finding any sort of distraction to keep my mind off things. I'm surprised he's being upfront about my actions since none of my other roommates have said a thing.

"We're going out Saturday night since we're landing early. You're coming up us," Xander says, pointing a finger at me. I open my mouth to reply, but he cuts me off. "No women. Just me, you, Rhys, and Valdez," he adds. I don't think I'll be in the mood to go out that night. Or any other night. Maybe I'll start watching LSU film. The season is coming to an end soon and we need all the wins we can get. "I'm good. Probably going to be busy that night," I lie. Xan furrows his brows and rolls his eyes. "You know what could resolve all this," he says. It's my turn to furrow my brows. "What are you talking about?" I ask.

"You know what I'm talking about," he pauses, "c-o-m-m-u-n-i-c-a-t-i-o-n. Communication." He spells out the word. "I know how to spell communication, thanks," I retort. Even though I might have not known what he was talking about, I do now. Brynn. Of course. My friends can't seem to stay out of my relationship. It's annoying, really. "Of course you do. So why don't you do it? Communicate, I mean," he says. "Because I don't want to? I know what she did. I know why she did it. I'm not happy about it, rightfully. Why can't we just drop it?" I question. I'm tired of the back and forth already.

It's not even back and forth with the person I'm arguing with which makes it worse.

"I get why you're upset, but honestly. . . even if she made that promise, she doesn't owe you anything, man. I'm sure there's a reason as to why the girl hasn't dated in years. None of us know why but I'm sure if she said she isn't ready to tell you, then it's a big deal. You should really just listen to what she has to say, all you've been doing is canceling her out. She's a pretty cool girl. I don't think you should throw her out of your life completely, she's good for you." I let Xan's words sink in for only a moment but my bitterness doesn't allow me to fully agree. "She's a pretty cool girl? I thought you didn't like her," I counter. "Just because my girl doesn't like her, doesn't mean I don't. And anyway, she and Maddy are cool now, so." He shrugs.

Well now I know why Maddy was defending her and she was the only one who knew about Brynn's date. Their friendship doesn't really make sense to me, though. "How do you know they're friends now?" I ask, curiously. "I wouldn't call them friends yet, but Maddy told me Brynn wasn't terrible, her words not mine," Xan says. "Oh," is all I manage to say. I don't really care, I don't know why I asked. "You still going out with us on Saturday though. Even if I have to drag you outta here myself," he says, getting up from my bed. "Sure, Xan," I say, just so he can leave. He walks toward my door and flips me off behind his back.

He turns when he's in the doorway and smiles. "Love you, white boy," he says, blowing me a kiss. I flip him off this time and he laughs, closing the door behind him. I disconnect my phone from the screen mirroring option on my tv. Watching film isn't distracting enough. I pull off my white t-shirt and put on my favorite graphic tee. I keep the shorts I have on and slip on black Nike Airs. I grab my phone and wallet before heading out. I already finished class for the day and I haven't done much in the last two weeks so might as well get up out of bed. I'll take Xander's advice for once.

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I ring the doorbell and wait only about five seconds before the door opens wide. Lauren's eyes widen and she tries to close the door on me, but I stop it with my forearm. "Let me in, Ren," I say. She groans behind the door and opens it. I step inside her apartment and make my way to her couch. I've been here plenty of times before since I've known her for a couple years. She follows behind me, not looking so pleased with my presence. I already knew she would have this reaction, I'm not surprised. "What you want?" she asks. I grab one of her throw pillows and put it on my lap. I put a hand to my heart like I'm affected by her little snarky tone.

"I thought we were friends," I say. "Yes, but . . . Brynn is my girl!" There it is. I knew Brynn would tell her something and girls automatically take each other's side when it comes to a problem with a man. "You've known me longer," I retort. She rolls her eyes. "And?" She arches a dark brow. "She victimized herself." I shrug. Lauren glares at me after that. "She told me what happened. She did not victimize herself. She feels like shit, asshole," Lauren says brusquely. "I feel like shit too!" I defend. "What are you doing here, Cgc?" she questions.

"I want to know what she told you," I admit. Lauren chuckles, shaking her head as she looks away from me. "You just wasted gas if you came here thinking I was gonna tell you anything she told me. If you want to know what she told me that much, then ask her yourself," she says. That's not an option. I don't want to talk to her, but I do want to know what she's saying. Especially if it will help me make sense of whatever the fuck went through her mind when she decided to break the promise she made me. God, I sound so fucking pathetic right now.

My last year self would be laughing in my face right now.

"Why are you so complicated?" I wonder. "I'm complicated?! You're complicated! Why are you so scared to talk to her? Fuck being mad. Push that shit aside and hear the girl out. I'm sure it'll answer all the questions you wanna ask. I'm not Brynn so I don't know exactly what she's thinking. I could be giving you a whole 'nother story than she would," Lauren says. I shake my head. That's not an option. I rather talk to my parents than her right now. "Fine. You wasted my time," I reply, getting up and walking to the door. I hear Lauren stand up after me but I'm opening the door before she has a chance to catch up.

"You're never going to be happy if you keep pushing her away, C!" Lauren shouts as I walk through the hallway of her apartment complex. I don't even bother saying anything as I keep on walking. I hear her door close from afar as I wait for the elevator.

I don't need a woman to be happy. I've been alone for 21 years and I'm fine. I've never had anyone, I've never needed anyone. It's been me, myself, and I my whole life and I've been content with it. I was way in over my head thinking that if I had Brynn in my life, I'd be happier than I've ever been. Because I really did think that. I thought I'd wait as long as it took for her to be ready for me and finally, I would get something good. I would get her. I'm furious at her but I won't lie and say she isn't everything I've ever wanted and more because she is. She really is. But she's not mine. She never was supposed to be.

I don't get the good things. I don't have happy endings. I should have accepted that fact years ago but every time something remotely good happens to me, I hold onto that small thread of hope. I can't ever be happy — or content, I don't think I've actually ever been happy — because everything falls to my feet just when I think something in my life is going good. Brynn coming into my life was just another one of those times. It was good while it lasted, but now it's nothing. It's no surprise that the first time I fall for a girl, she doesn't reciprocate my feelings. It's just another laugh in the face.

I'll live.

The elevator dings and the doors open. I stiffen as Aiyden Johnson looks up from his phone and notices me. He steps out of the elevator and juts his head out at me. "Sup, man?" He doesn't wait for me to reply — not that I was going to anyway — and walks in her apartments direction. My jaw clenches. That son of a bitch. I know exactly where he's going. As disappointed as I am, I don't bother doing anything about it. So, I step onto the elevator and head back home, watching film again for the 100th hour.