I wasn't really sure how I felt, being alone with Mama again.  My hands started to sweat. I rubbed them on the thighs if my pants.

Steeling my nerves I got up and? followed her to the kitchen. Mama still looked very much like I remembered, she had aged; gray-streaked her hair, crows feet lined her eyes.

We stepped into the kitchen and it looked as cramped as it always had. In front of me on the far side next to the back door, sat the sink with counters filled with random cooking utensils.

Overhead cabinets ran from the back door all the way to the fridge, which was on my right, sitting caddy corner. To my left up against the table sat a table for two, that table had been here for as long as I could remember.

She started pulling pans out and placing them on the stove. I just stood awkwardly in the doorway, it had been too long for me to remember where things where in the cabinets. On her way to the fridge she stopped and pulled a chair out for me to sit in.

I took the not so subtle hint and parked my ass. She was pulling out all kinds of stuff from the fridge, I stop paying attention to what she was doing and started staring at the room around me. Not too long later, the kitchen started to fill with the aroma of, well, mouth-watering goodness.

I cleared my throat a hundred times. Only one word was running through my mind at this moment; Why? It's time to grow a pair, as Cass would say.

"Mama, I have to ask this. Why did you and Papa leave me there? What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Or did you guys just not want me?" Once I started I could not stop, not until tears were streaming down my face.

Mama turned and looked at me all surprised again, that look was quickly replaced by guilt and sadness. She broke eye contact and silently sat in the chair across from me.

She stared at the painting behind my head. So it would look like she was looking at me but I knew she wasn't. She licked her lips for a moment, as I just started wearing a mask of a calm, rational person.

Inside I was splintering into hundreds of thousands of glass shards, I could feel the prick of them all. Each pump of my heart made them prick and dig in further. It was almost unbearable, finally, my mama spoke.

"I don't have all the answers you are looking for, but I can answer some. We left you there because it was what was best for you, God has always had a plan for you. You know what you did, and you know why you were punished." Is she serious, right now?! Anger exploded in my mind.

"You've always been good enough for us, you were just lead astray. You wandered from the beaten path, you need guidance. We always wanted you, we just wanted you to keep your soul more. Theresa if I could make you understand and see my side of these things, I would." She gave me a sad  smile as a way of saying"Don't  know what to tell you"

"What I can do is give you the boxes of books, Papa wanted you to have. There is like 3 boxes, they are in his study, I will go get them." She walked away as if what she just said made any sense or even begins to make anything better.

It was God's plan you say, mommy dearest. I could feel my anger boiling again, right into the hellfire. I needed to calm down and quickly or I was going to bring Hell here. Show my kind family what they should really be fearing.

Let her see I've turned into the very thing she tried to save me from. As if something knew what I was thinking, I heard a very loud knock come from upstairs. Brushing it off thinking it was Mama, I chose to ignore it.

Quicker than I expected, Mama returned with a look of exhaustion on her frail face. She did not look sorry in the least, she still believed she was doing me a favor leaving me there. She checked the food and busied herself in that. The room quickly filled with awkwardness.

"Mama, I have waited a very long time to see you again, many of nights dreaming, hours spent hoping, but not once did I ever expect you to not say sorry. I expected, apologizes and hugs and kisses. Not sideways glances, awkward pauses, or for you to stick with it was for my own good. Do YOU have any clue, what happened to me there?! Mama, what happened there because you left me?!"

At this moment I was about to lose to my anger, I could no longer control myself. The hellfire won the battle, and maybe even the war.

"I was beaten beyond measure, by doctors and nurses and other patients. In more ways than one, Mama. I went through Hell, at your hands. Look at the marks Hell leaves on you when you're a child and can't defend yourself!" I pulled up my shirt and showed her just a few of my scars. Granted they were probably my worst ones, but I need her to get my point.

"I could have been home all these years if you only had accepted me for who I was. If only you could see what I have is a gift, not a curse or anything evil."

I am standing in the middle of my family's kitchen, a chair knocked over behind me, my shirt yanked up to my ears. Scars, flesh, and bra fully showing, and I didn't have the slightest care. I felt like I had been sucker punched, then kicked while I was down, pummeled on some more, and had my soul ripped in two.

I also felt like I won, because well I did. I was standing here, I lived through Hell and I got to rub my mama's face in it. Before I had the chance to say anything more, I heard people running in and all of them stop dead at kitchen entryway, where they had an amazing view of me and my scars.

I was not embarrassed in the least, maybe other Theresa would be.

They were all going to find out anyway, might as well have been on my terms. I put my shirt down and faced everyone. Making eye contact with them all. I didn't even pay attention to who I was looking at until Xander stepped out of the crowd. He grabbed my arm gently and steered me out of the room, and house. He didn't stop until we were a good bit away from the house.

When he finally did stop, he turned and faced me and well, he looked pissed. Madder than the first time I met him. I instantly wanted to console him, the Hellfire bit me in response.

Making me pause and keep my distance. I settled with looking, hopefully, I wasn't suffering from resting bitch face right now.

I was drowning in the hellfire at the moment.

Trying to reel it back in, I didn't mean to take it out on X. He didn't deserve it. He looked me in the eyes for a moment, I could feel the burning soothe. I felt like I could breathe for the first time. I felt like gulping in air, I craved it. Before I could get lost in his presence; he opened his mouth, ruining the moment.

"Why didn't you tell me, I mean I know some but I didn't know you had scars like that? Why did you ask me to bring you here? Why go through this Theresa?" He demands. 

We could be home, editing for the show or looking into another case. We could be anywhere else but you wanted to come here? I am so confused and angry right now." He started to walk away, my efforts were lost at that moment.

"I WANTED TO COME HERE BECAUSE I WANTED MY FAMILY!!! It's all I've ever wanted, X." Defeated I crumpled to the ground.

"I just wanted it to all be a mistake, that I could live with. But she told me it was what I needed, and I don't know I kind of lost it and well you saw what happened. I don't belong here Xander, not anymore. That hurts -" I broke into a sob, and shortly after I was wrapped in Xander's arms as once again he let me cry on him. He was quickly becoming my rock in my ever-changing world.

He just let me cry and babble about whatever, letting all the hurt out for just a moment. I've never had someone I could be like this with, I felt myself slipping into unknown territory. Panicking just a little bit, I searched for an excuse to pull myself together.

Oh, my family; is a good excuse, I needed to leave here and be alone for a bit. I collected myself and finally climbed off of Xander and the ground and began walking slowly to the house. I had to rescue Cass from my family and get the hell out of here.

I squared myself and made sure I looked as strong as possible, despite being tear streaked and puffy faced. I walked back into Mama's house without a second thought, Xander closely behind me.

No one stopped talking and looked at me like I expected them too. Instead, they were all listening to Casey. I stopped short and was almost mowed down. Xander was pressed up close behind me, I gasped and stepped forward a bit.

Trying to pretend that didn't happen I started listening to Casey; she was telling them about my home. About her time there and how we met, I made sure the children weren't around. They did not need to hear about this. I could not be spared the horrors of that place, at least I could protect them from it.

At this point, I didn't care what my family heard or thought, and Xander already knew some.

"We had the most awful doctor in charge of the hospital, he was cruel. It was rumored that he had a secret room, that he took his favorites and he would do terrible things. No one could prove it, well maybe they have now."

Mama started to look very confused, I was just glad Casey had stopped talking I had seen the inside of that secret room. It was appropriate to talk about it in a haunted tone. I am sure if the room could tell you what went on in it, it would be nothing but nightmares and screams.

"What do you mean they might now?" Mama almost barked at Casey. She sounded odd, I couldn't quite figure it out.

Not as confused as her face conveyed. She almost sounds worried maybe upset, which I don't understand. I just continue to stand in the doorway with Xander closely behind me and pretend I didn't care about anything. In all reality I was curious, both sides of me were.

"Some patient got out and talked about the treatment and the state stepped in and that's how I got released," I said all matter of fact like. Just about everyone jumped, they had been so caught up with Casey they didn't even notice me. I prefer it that way, in all honesty. Mama turned pale as she turned to look at me.

All the emotion she had were gone and replaced by fright and surprise.

"According to the doctor who the state sent, there was no reason to keep most of us there, me especially so I was released," I said with a shrug, I didn't let any emotion drip into my voice or show on my face.

"I was just a little girl, who thought she saw something, I was playing pretend." Xander, Casey, and Matt all shot me a look, John looked away. Mama bowed her head no longer wanting to look at me. I think this is our cue to leave.

"Theresa, I am sorry, for what you went through and that I was the one who put you through it. All I can do now, though is pray that you will see that God made it happen for a reason. I will also pray that one day you will understand it all and see it for what it really was. You only know a small part, my sweet child. I just hope you know that I always loved you even when it seemed like I didn't. I also suffered, you don't know what it is like to be a mother yet, let alone a mother who abandoned one of her own children." She started to cry, she brushed off  Matthew's attempts to console her.

" I spent ten years wondering and worrying about you. You have no idea of the many times I begged your father, go ahead ask your brothers. I am sure they heard it. I hurt too and so did Papa, you think it was easy?" Anger enters her tone, she clenched her fist. "

No, but it was what was best for you, I have to believe that. Now please, go get your father's books and leave. All of you, I need to rest. You are all welcome to come back over for dinner if you want." I was stunned, to say the least.

I moved on autopilot gathered the boxes and went out to the car, I didn't even bother saying goodbye to anyone. At this moment I didn't want to see any of them. I was just in a haze; I couldn't think, let alone understand how I felt. I just cling to my boxes with the faint smell of Papa.

Oh, why would he tell me to come here if he knew Mama was going to be like this? Did he want me to hurt?

Out of nowhere, I heard someone whisper "for the books" but I didn't have my normal warning signs. Hmm, strange. I brushed it off. Probably just another part of my brain splitting off, you know, nothing to worry about at the moment. The events of this day were taking its toll. I was feeling drained from all the emotions.

I believe I fell asleep because the next thing I knew we were at the hotel again. Xander had already parked the car and gotten out.

He was taking the boxes into the room, I didn't even care about them at the moment. I shuffled from the car to the room and collapsed onto a bed. I didn't really care whose bed I was in. Turns out, I got into mine, I just snuggled into my pillows and wished myself away, anywhere but here. Slipping into darkness, my last thought was why.