━━ chapter six.
❝ stadiums. ❞
--

NATSUKO DISLIKED CROWDED PLACES.

She hated that feeling of lots of people, many eyes filled with judgment watching her every step. She hated feeling like a specimen under a microscope wriggling beneath the eyes of strangers. But Natsuya knew that she disliked crowded places because of one prominent trait. When people looked (no judgment, just quick fleeting stares that meant nothing), Natsuko looked back and shot them with a glare.

It wasn't like she had any personal history with those people causing the hostility; it was a habit, one that developed after numerous bad experiences, after constant judgments.

Natsuya remembers that one story from Middle School.

There were three types of people that were represented by different things. You threw them in a pot of boiling water and see what they were in life. There was the carrot, the first type. When you throw the carrot into a pot of boiling water, it softened, turned mushy if you left it for too long— the people who weakened at the presence of conflict. The second one, the eggs. You did the same thing you did with the carrot, tossed into a pot of boiling water and the longer the egg stayed in the boiling water, the tougher it became. It was those people that hardened at the presence of problems, the ones who become too cold, too tough, too angry at the world. The third was the coffee powder, it neither hardened nor softened, it simply went with the flow of boiling water, becoming one with the water. They didn't let the problem change them.

Natsuya remembered teasing Natsuko that she was an egg. Someone who had gotten too tough that it was no longer amiable towards others. She had gone closed off from others, offering nothing but harsh words and sharp glares to those around her. She had pushed people away during the time she was swallowed with problems.

Somehow, she did it again. To Natsuya of all people. The only one who promised to stay.

Granted it was Natsuya's fault during the first time, too enraptured by all the emotions he was feeling. Admiration, excitement, anxiety, jealousy. Everything had mixed and transformed into an amalgamation of carelessness.

"Don't get a boyfriend Tsu," he remembered saying. "It doesn't suit you."

He was still waiting for the chance to confess his feelings; he didn't want anyone getting in the way. God knows he'd be too consumed by jealousy. He wanted her to push suitors away when he was oceans apart.

"No one deserves you."

Only me, he thought. He wanted it to be him only. No one would make her smile the way he did, no one memorized all of her favorite foods and places. What made her tick, what made her annoyed. The habits she didn't notice herself. They didn't know what she was like as a child, in Middle School or High School. They didn't know that she liked gardening, liked designing and arranging houses, that her favorite color was orange because it had been the color of her mother's hair and of her favorite fruit.

"Don't tell me what to do, Natsuya."

He should have noticed it then and there. That her mood was turning sour and a cloud of anger was hovering over her entire visage, but he was too caught up in his own ministrations that he failed to notice it. That Natsuya who read Natsuko's moods like the back of his hand had missed details that were significant.

"Of course," he had replied.

It didn't bother him that she wanted to be the one to make her own decisions. He loved that about her, how she was strong, how independent she was, how she knew what she wanted and knew how to get it. That her sights were on her future, that she was always ready to brave the unknown, that she didn't linger too much in all those negative emotions.

Everything about six months ago was murky, only bits and pieces of conversations and words he spouted carelessly were remembered. But that one moment, that single moment. When Natsuko turned her back on him, her hair trailing after her in soft wisps, he could vividly remember every detail (the scent of coffee lingering on the air, the pastel decorations taped unto the walls, laminated leaves and flowers, the chill sound of classical music filling the air).

His legs froze so he called after her instead, expecting that she'd turn back, but she didn't and it was too late when he could move his limbs. He ran and ran, going to all the places she considered as sanctuaries. The light of the moon illuminated his path, not a stray cloud present in the obsidian sky. His last option was her apartment, the tiny abode she had with the garden overflowing with beautiful flora.

He went home after midnight not catching even a single strand of her hair. The frown on his face was stuck and only when he'd seen Ikuya's worried face in the doorway that he managed to muster a curt smile.

"Nii-san," his brother begun and he had sensed the worry. "Have you already packed?"

He shook his head absentmindedly.

"Mom wants you to be ready already since you're leaving tomorrow," Ikuya informs him and it only dawns on Natsuya then. He was going to leave, to improve his swimming. To find the coach that would make him better.

"I know," he says slowly before heading upstairs to his room, trying to steady the axis of his collapsing world. "I'm sorry."

His flight was tomorrow and he couldn't erase the image of Natsuko walking away from him. Something about this particular squabble was different. Where in the usual happenstance, she'd forgive him immediately, this time it was as if the entire ordeal was set in stone. And he hated the reality of limited options that appeared on his thoughts.

Natsuko or swimming.

He regretted the choice he made. His feet trekking through sand as he watched the wild waves swallowing surfers and swimmers. They lap on the shoreline of the beach and he could hear the distinct chatter among families and friends as they ate ice cream and saccharine sweets to alleviate the heat.

Every turn of his head, at the sight of someone with hair the same shade as Natsuko's, the same build, he'd think it was her and only the reality that she didn't want anything to do with him anymore was keeping him from marching over to those women and drown them in apologies. Natsuya thought he'd break. That he'd shatter into tiny irreparable fractals, that he'd be like the carrot in the tale— softened, overwhelmed.

Natsuya remembered stating proudly that he was coffee. And coffee, he became. Days passed and he continued training, swimming in the ocean and other exciting activities. He didn't let the problem get to him. He went with the flow. He partied, drank and got wasted, met a bunch of new people.

He met Ritsu on his second week. She was easy on the eyes, slim build, braided black hair, eyes that seemed to sparkle whenever you looked at them. She had melodious laughter and sweet smiles to spare every time they met. Ritsu was glad to meet Natsuya, a fellow Japanese. She was here on vacation with her dad, she told Natsuya over beer. She swam, but not competitively like him, her favorite stroke was butterfly, she won contests when she was a kid.

He studied her face closely. Her face was different from Natsuko, where Natsuko's face was always void with emotion and if there was any, he'd seen anger or irritation. Ritsu always had a smile to spare. You could tell just from looking at her that she was kind. Even going as far as to offer advice in the various woes he encountered in life.

It started awkwardly, but Ritsu made everything feel natural and Natsuya was free to voice out what had happened on the coffee shop, Natsuko's constant mood swings and her general treatment of him. Ritsu shook her head, held his hands (they were perfectly manicured with glossy peach) and told him that he made the right choice in leaving. That they were ruining each other because of their codependence.

He believed her so he stopped calling Natsuko. (She wasn't replying anyway, what was the point?) He had stopped calling months prior because Nao told him to gave her space and after another month, he resumed to peppering her with calls and texts because he genuinely believed that a month was already enough space. Apparently not.

But when Ritsu told him to stop, said it was the right thing with her warm hands clasping his, he believed her.

Ritsu was a great girl, Natsuya always felt at ease with her. She was dependable, always calm and collected.

They dated for two months. Broke up on the third and decided to be just friends due to the fact that Natsuya couldn't stand long distance relationships (Ritsu was going home to Japan with her father and Natsuya was scheduled to leave for Paris next month). Hesitant, but still willing, Ritsu obliged and she kissed him on the cheek before heading to her plane.

Natsuya continued wandering, he went to St. Petersburg after the unsuccesful search in Paris. Someone told him that what he was looking for was in Australia and he went to Australia next. There, he found Mikhail, but got rejected in an amazing speed for reasons Natsuya deemed frivolous.

Dejected, and missing the comforts of his friends and family, he decided to go back to Japan.

He had been back for five days. During the third, his mind had drifted to thoughts of Natsuko again. All the summers they spent together, all the memories they shared, the embraces and the head pats.

Natsuko disliked crowds. She wouldn't be in this swim meet. Granted, Natsuya was here and she was always present during the competitions he joined, but that was long past. That was Natsuko and Natsuya one summer ago, the best of friends, two pieces that fit perfectly against each other. Natsuko wouldn't be here. What he was seeing on the third row on the farthest right, the girl with the denim jacket and shorts, that wasn't Natsuko.

He cleared his mind, steeled himself for the competition. With one brilliant dolphin kick, he was a head in front of his opponents and when he resurfaced, taking in air and removing his swim cap, he got the shortest time.

Natsuya won the trophy, the prize money and a lot of pats on the back for his performance. People were smiling and cheering for him as he made the way to the third row on the farthest right. Maybe it was an apparition, but he knew he wanted her to be there.

And there was Natsuko. Summer child with her hair draping past her shoulders and that steel clad face. She still wears the same denims and comfortable clothing, looking at him with an expression so different from the ones Natsuko used to make.

"Tsu," he says. He doesn't know what he's expecting her to do. Leap into his arms and pull him into a tight embrace, promise to never leave him behind? Or slap him across the face, tell him he was the biggest jerk in this planet? The latter was more probable, but Natsuko did nothing, simply stared at him with leaden eyes.

"Welcome back and congratulations," she says and he hates how much time they've spent so far apart that he can't distinguish if it's sarcasm or some other thing.

"Thanks," he says, believing that she really enjoys him back and throwing one of his charming smiles at her. "You look as beautiful as ever."

Something inside his pocket rings and interrupts Natsuko. He picks his phone up and the caller id is Ritsu. (He's too surprised by the sudden call that he fails to notice Natsuko's narrowed gaze on the screen of the phone.)

"Sorry Tsu," he begins. "I have to get this."

Natsuko shakes her head. "I was just about to leave," she says and turns her back on him. "Goodbye, Natsuya."

Even now, she doesn't look back.

━━ to be continued.
🌻 | the sunflowers that last forever.