A/N: I changed the cover because I don't think the other one was doing me any favours. This new one's totally different from my current themes, and feels totally uncomfortable for me to look at idk why, but I might trial it for a couple of days. I noticed a lot of covers with characters on them garner a lot of attention so let's seeeee. 

My dream is to PUBLISH so i need all the attention and feedback I can get for me to reach that level. Let me know your thoughts, and be honest if i should put the other one back! 

And yes this guy is exactly who I pictured Jude to be from the moment I created him in RS! (He was the original Arlo Augustine before I discovered Timothee Chalamet, so I saved him for another character lmao)

Enjoy diving into that embarrassing impulse from yesterday. Enjoy!

* * * 

Hup. Sitting on my bed at dad's house, I clasped my fingers over my mouth and choked on a gasp. That was the most humiliating day of my life, even worse than the stunt Josh pulled on me at church. What's more, I was the one who brought this on myself! There was no one else to blame but me. Just what in God's mighty name compelled me to do that? Blowing havoc like a fire bloody hurricane, swearing black and blue while fighting with... with my mum. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath, not willing to drown in my misery again. Yesterday was one hell of a trainwreck that I'd never repeat again. Screw facing emotions, and screw emotional intelligence. I was fine before then. 

It's not something I ever wanted to do again. 

And then Liam! What in the hell was I thinking? For one thing, I wasn't even gay. There was no way I really saw Liam in that kinda way. He's so cool that of course I'd wanna be close to him. That much was perfectly natural, right? And he was just right there. Everything inside me was like an electrical current, and I moved at lightning speed before I could even think about what I was doing. It was two seconds, both our lips locked and sealed, and I really don't know what came over me or why I felt compelled. I should never have done that.

Since we were both stunned into silence last night, he kinda just led me down the stairs and helped me into dad's car. He waved me off but didn't want a ride home. Did I do something really horrible? Was he mad? He wouldn't be too grossed out because he's fine and open minded about boys being close, but was he grossed out because it's me?

Why did I do that?

We haven't spoken since then, even though we shared three classes today. My mind wracked with all sorts of excuses but at the end of the day, I was hot headed and moved on impulse. My brain circuited – it's like I wasn't myself. Was it the work of the devil? No, I didn't feel like I could blame the devil for this. It was entirely me on my own. Did I think this way now that there was nobody left to drill into me the constant fear of death and punishment?

Now, as long as I didn't think too hard the threat of hell, it felt far enough removed not to bother me. I was slowly learning to stand back and see things from a more worldly perspective, operative word being slowly. I needed some counsel and guidance from somebody well versed in this area. And the king of worldly perspective and homosexuality would be... Charlie Rascal. Lucky for me, we'd somehow swapped numbers somewhere along the way, so I whipped my phone out and gave him a call.

"Caster," Charlie greeted me with familiarity while crunching food in his mouth. "What can I do ya for, my man?"

"I need help," I said, clutching my phone tight. Seeking help from the likes of Charlie Rascal was a lot for me, but I needed to get this off my chest. It's not like I could turn to the church.

"Invite me to your dad's pool and you've got yourself a deal," he said, chewing like he was breathing fire at the same time. Such an obnoxiously loud eater. "My tan's fading and needs a little spruce."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine," I said. "Just come over now."

"No can do, bucko," he said, making noises that sounded oddly like sucking the flavour off his fingers. I shuddered. God rest any soul who ends up with this gross guy. "Talk to me on the phone and invite me over tomorrow."

"Ugh!" I groaned, slamming my back down onto my bed and staring at the ceiling. "How do I even put this into words?"

"You'd generally select words that will likely get your message across, string them together into a coherent sentence, and then... say them. Aloud. To the person they're intended for, usually."

I groaned. Why did I think this was going to be a good idea? "Never mind," I said.

"No, no," he said. "You already owe me an invite to your pool tomorrow."

"Offer recanted," I said.

"You've already wasted twenty-three seconds of my precious life when I'm busy," he said. "So you'd better get on with it."

Ugh, I slapped my hand against my face and blew out a large breath. "Fine. I did something crazy yesterday and I really need some advice."

"What's that?" he asked.

"I kissed Liam."

"You what?" Charlie shrieked, and I heard him clamouring in the background. "Jesus Horton Christ, Jude. You kissed Liam?"

"My mind just switched off," I said desperately, "and it was a heat of the m––"

"Liam, ya sod," Charlie said in a more distant and muffled voice than seconds ago. "You didn't tell me that!?"

"I didn't think I had to," I heard Liam answer in the background.

I stilled, processing exactly what I'd just heard on the other end of the line and exactly what I'd just done. The embarrassment in Liam's voice was so evident that I felt my heartrate shoot up to exponential heights. Oh shoot. Oh God. Oh no. Oh God. Oh no.

I punched the end call button and froze, staring at the ceiling while it felt like it was caving in on me. The best thing it could possibly do right now was collapse on me and end this embarrassment. I'd gone to Liam's loudmouthed friend for advice, of course Lim would be there. And of course Charlie would be vocal about it! Of all the stupid things I'd done in my life, this was definitely right up there among the worst.

The sound of keys at the front door rattled and I heard it open. "Dad?" I called out. "Jules?"

"Hi Jude," I heard Julie call back in her usual kind and tender voice. "It's me, honey."

My bedroom was right near the front door so I heard everyone coming in and out, which always made me feel so much safer. It took me seconds to greet her at the entranceway and give her a giant hug. She seemed a little surprised to start with, but tucked her orangey-red hair behind her ear, and hugged me back. She was wearing a black coat over her business clothes, which felt so soft and thick to hug. Sometimes her hugs felt like a teddy-bear.

"Something happened, Jude?" she asked, letting me go and moving towards the kitchen. "Let me just put my things down and we can talk."

I didn't realise how dark and overcast it was until she turned the warm kitchen lights on. The house was completely stunning no matter what time of day. The kitchen countertops reflected the low hanging designer light shades, which spruced up so much of the area. The polished wooden floors turned such a warm colour, too. And the light switches, ceiling fans, and air conditioner were all mirror finish. And the place was huge.

The dining room had a huge black glass table and fancy black chairs with high backs. Everything totally looked designer, like it all came straight out of a magazine. Julie placed her things on the kitchen counter and went straight to the fridge, double doored, and pulled out a jug of water along with some cordial.

"Are you thirsty, darling?" she asked, holding up a bottle of cordial towards me. "What flavour would you like?"

"Blackcurrant, please," I said, scooting out a stall and sitting at the kitchen counter. As she reached back into the fridge to grab it, I slid a glass vase containing some fancy water plant out of the way so I could see her better. She poured me a drink and slid it across the counter in front of me, poured her own, then came around and took a seat beside me.

She held her glass in front of me. "Cheers," she said, clinking her glass with mine.

"Cheers," I echoed.

"Now, what's been going on, Jude?" she asked in her gentlest voice. "Your dad told me about yesterday, but is there any part of it you wanna talk about, yourself?"

I cupped my glass with both hands and pushed it around with my fingers, unable to keep myself from fidgeting. The topic of yesterday was obviously uncomfortable, but it was already reaching a point where I didn't wanna keep it in. I'd spent my entire life bottling everything up, and even now as I tried to tell Charlie, I ended up making a food of myself. Seeing Liam again was one thing, but answering to my crime was completely another.

Was I any better than Josh at this point?

"Mum worried a lot that I might be gay," I said, biting my lip as waves of anxiety pooled around in my chest. "And yesterday I kissed a boy."

Without moving a muscle, I held my breath and waited for her reaction. When there was none, I trailed my eyes towards her and side-eyed her neutral but caring expression. There wasn't any anger, repulsion, or shame. And because she didn't express any of that, I didn't end up feeling it. No self-disgust, no fear of opening up, no shame towards myself. Of course I'd still die of embarrassment about what I did, but there was something in this one second exchange that made me feel more at peace than anything I've experienced.

"And how do you feel about it?" she asked, taking another sip of her drink.

I shrugged. "Guilty? I think. I was so angry at mum, and God, and Josh, and Pastor Cordell. I was angry at everything. I blew up back there. And when he came to help me, something in me snapped... like an elastic bag or something. It was so quick. Completely impulsive. I didn't know what I was doing and neither of us reacted. But now I'm so embarrassed. What if he thinks I'm gay? What if he doesn't wanna be my friend anymore?"

Julie gave me a sly grin and shook her shoulders a little. "If my hunch is correct, then I'm gonna assume your friend in question is Liam."

My eyes widened. She was way too sharp. Unable to deny it, I looked down at my cup and nodded. This conversation was more painfully embarrassed than I'd anticipated.

"D'you really think he's gonna be grossed out if you're gay?" she asked. "He doesn't strike me as the type. I'm sure his sister would slap some sense into him too, right? She's very pro-gay and the like."

By that, I think she meant LGBTQ plus. Since this place is huge, and dad and Julie were both so friendly and openminded, I got to invite my friends over all the time. That included Niko, who I surprised myself by getting on well with. We played in the pool on weekends, dad would cook us dinner on the barbeque, and even their parents would often come to chat with them, too. They were really social moguls around here. Since they were both real estate agents, I guess community spirit was really important to them.

She and Niko particularly got on. Being the only girls among us ninety percent of the time, they tended to stick together like glue. Julie often had martinis or fancy cocktails in front of the pool while Niko had non-alcoholic versions of it. Dad had concerns that it wasn't appropriate around a bunch of kids, but those were put to rest when Liam and Niko's mum joined them one day, bright yellow sunglasses, cocktail straw, and all.

The thing is, I knew Liam wouldn't be disgusted by thinking I'm gay. He might just be betrayed, is all. Because he had someone he likes, Ivana, and yet the guy who really wanted to be his friend just went and did that without permission. I'd have been upset, so I could see no reason why he wouldn't be. And considering I was a huge religious homophobe up until rather recently, the hypocrisy was unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable.

I was absolutely mortified. Why, why, why?

As I opened my mouth to verbalise these thoughts, the ring of the doorbell interrupted me. Charlie's loud and obnoxious voice could be heard clearly, leaving no room for mistake. And I could see Liam's arm and side through the glass pane beside the door. He stood still while they waited, but Charlie moved about, plopping his bag down on the ground to fish through it. Julie looked at the door as I did, and as our heads turned back to each other, I stared at her with pure and unadulterated horror.

This was going to be the absolute end of me.