"Knock, knock!" Charlie called out, quite literally knocking on the door when I didn't go to answer it. "We're your esteemed guests, Caster. Open up!"

I stared at Julie and gulped, feeling the blood leaving my face. Her thin red lips upturned into a grin. "Well?" she asked. "Will you answer the door or sit here like chopped liver?"

Groaning, I skidded out the stool and hopped down to get the door. When I opened it, both the guys kinda just looked at me for a moment. Charlie, with a devilish grin, and Liam looking entirely too awkward. This wasn't something I was ready to face. I only called Charlie for some advice on how to fix things with Liam. How could I talk to him without knowing how to first?

Charlie skipped past me and slapped my shoulder before greeting Julie with way too much familiarity. "Mrs. Ancel," he said, and I turned to watch him pecking her cheek. "You look ravishing, as always. Will you come hang outside with me? I wanna swim. Better yet, you can join me."

Julie sighed and timidly glanced up at him, taking a sip from her glass. It was probably too soon after work to handle the likes of Charlie. She opened her mouth, looking like she was ready to decline, but decidedly smiled and nodded instead. She winked at me for good luck and chatted to Charlie as they opened the sliding door and stepped out.

Liam, who was still standing at the door, kicked his foot awkwardly on the ground and gained my attention again. I looked at him. From where I stood in the entryway, I was a head taller than him for once. He looked up at me with his green eyes, brows furrowed in confusion and embarrassment. If even he felt that way, who was the most open-minded guy, then I should really just dig a hole and bury my head in it.

"Um," I started, wishing I could just send him home. If only I stuck to my old morals in never saying a word to anybody, something so horrifyingly awkward wouldn't have happened. But sadly, I had no choice but to face it. "D'you wanna come in?"

Say no. Please, say no. Say that Charlie just wanted to hang out in the pool with Julie and that you were just dropping him off, though that was a bit random. But if that's the excuse you wanna go with, Liam, I'll take it. I won't think twice about it. Just say no.

Liam nodded as he kicked off his flipflops before coming inside, tearing my soul out with every step that he passed me. We walked straight to my room, where I had to lock my sliding door and draw the dark curtains because the glass sliding door led straight to the pool and patio. I closed the door and turned on the light before sitting on my bed and gesturing for Liam to do the same if he wanted. He sat down a fair distance away from me on the bed, which was a pretty fair measurement to describe the gaping hole in my heart.

We sat in silence for a moment. Obviously neither one of us were in a hurry to address things, but my idiotic attempt to screw my head on right by talking to Charlie resulted in this mess. Well, lesson learned. It's not like I'd talk to that raging dolt again. Seeing Liam's discomfort like this... I felt my heart crush, just a little bit. Like it was being crushed and sinking in quicksand all at once. What a brutal end.

Liam's eyes flickered to mine. "So ah, you feel better than yesterday?"

"I would've," I muttered under my breath, if bloody Charlie didn't have such a loose smacking gob, but I obviously couldn't say this. I stared at my lap, wishing that quicksand would just swallow me up. "Yeah, thanks."

"That's good," he said, nodding in acknowledgement. "I'm ah, I'm really proud of you for yesterday, y'know." My head snapped up to look at him, and he crossed one of his legs in front of him while the other hung loosely off my bed.

"You are?" I asked, surprised to see how comfortable he looked compared to how I expected. The awkwardness wasn't disgust, I realised. He was probably just struggling as much as I was to put thoughts and feelings into words. Liam was really different than anybody I'd ever met. Why in God's name would he say he's proud of me?

I couldn't believe it. I asked, "Why?"

He shrugged. "I talked with mum a wee bit since everything happened for you. Since I didn't really know what t'do, she kinda helped me figure stuff out. And she said that you shut yourself away from your feelings 'cause they're too painful, but you decided to let em' in and face em'. To me, that's really cool. And it means you can get better now, too."

Not sure I entirely understood all of that, I just nodded. Did he come here to say this? So he didn't have to address what I did to him yesterday? Not that I minded, of course, but something inside me still stung. Even though I didn't want to face it, I also didn't want to let it fester and remain unresolved. I bit my thumb nail, anxiously hoping we could find a way to address this giant pink elephant crushing us in this room.

"And also," he said, though with great reluctance, with a voice so heavy that I couldn't bear to listen to anything he could possibly have to say. I couldn't handle the rejection.

"I'm not gay!" I blurted, clutching both hands on my duvet cover.

"Huh?" Liam said, startled and completely surprised by my outburst before changing his expression to slight amusement. "Jude, I never thought you were."

"Um, you didn't?"

"No," he chuckled, visibly easing up then scooted closer to me on the bed. "Look, I know you weren't yourself yesterday. You've had an absolute shitshow run've luck this whole time that of course you were gonna explode. If you get like this then there's no way you're gonna have full control. Sometimes we do crazy shit when we get into crisis."

"Did you ever kiss someone in crisis?" I asked, knowing full well that he was full of it.

"That's probably more of a you thing," he grinned, "but I get it. We've gotten really close, I was way up in your face, and I'm utterly irresistible. Anyone with common sense would."

I groaned and leaned back on the bed. Liam did exactly the same and flopped down beside me. He rested his head on one of his hand's and let the other one rest on his stomach, and he gazed at me. He was wearing a black tee over colourful boardshorts, a colour I didn't think I'd ever seen on him before. When I ignored those boardie's, I saw a goth looking redhead with the warmest eyes smiling down at me like he was something outta this world. He somehow looked even cooler than before. So much more mature.

"I'm not sure there's a shred of common sense in me," I said, glancing towards him. "I chased a complete narcissist."

Liam rolled on his side, resting his head on the crook of his arm. He looked at me, grinning. "You chased me?"

"Through hell," I said, unable to keep myself from grinning back. "But I did. Every time you invited me anywhere, or asked me to meet your friends, I wanted to scream into my pillow. At the start, I told mum all about you 'cause I was excited."

I paused, letting the memories of mum's slow decline towards me sink in. Honestly, I should have read the signs and kept quiet instead of stressing her, but I was a lot more naïve back then. I couldn't read signs or get hints. Even if an entire class was against me or my brother when we took a religious stance, it never occurred to me that I might be wrong and had better keep quiet.

"After a while," I continued, "she started questioning me. Any time I mentioned you at all, she'd start freaking out thinking I'm gay. She seemed fine at the start, but as soon as me and you started talking, I guess it kinda went downhill from there. I probably should've kept it to myself, but I guess was excited to have another friend. Maybe I just always wanted friends to invite back to my place and hang out like other kids."

I stole a sneak peek to gage his reaction, but his expression didn't seem to give much away. Maybe he looked a little contemplative. When I realised that I'd been looking at him for too long, I turned back to the ceiling and sighed. "I always had that hunch about you, y'know," he said.

I looked at him again. "What's that?" I asked.

"That no matter how I look at it, you're completely different from Josh. You've always had this otherworldly innocence and have always, always held your own against anyone when it came to the things you believed in. But you were always gentle about it, and always seemed to try keeping out of conflicts. If you were anything like your brother, I wouldn't have given you the time of day. You'd know about it from Charlie, too," he said, pausing to chuckle. "But we all kinda seemed to agree that you were pretty earnest from the beginning. That's why I always noticed you."

I rolled onto my front and propped myself up with my elbows, looking at him with surprise and confusion. "You noticed me?"

Liam rolled onto his back and beckoned for me to come close. I scooted over and lay my head on his stomach, ignoring the impulse to bury my face in his tummy squish. I could hear his gurgling stomach, but more than that, I could feel his breaths as his belly rose and fell. His land landed on my back and just rested there, not moving at all.

Liam chuckled and ruffled my hair. "Of course," he said. "That's why I wanted to get your number and become friends."

"Really?" I asked, staring at him with eyes wide and a mouth gapingly gobsmacked.

He looked like he was completely enjoying my disbelief, and I loved the way he looked when his shoulders shook as he laughed, shaking both me and the bed with him. "That's how it started," he said, playfully tapping my shoulder. "Now... I want to be your closest person. More than Tristan, more than anyone. I want to keep being your safe place."

"Are you sure?" I asked, craning my neck to look up at him. "I did something bad to you. It's horrible when someone does something you don't like. I mean, it's not any different than what Josh did to me. Is it okay for you to treat me like this? Is it okay for you to forgive me?"

Liam's eyes widened, as if he was surprised by what I'd just said. It was a comforting reaction, or maybe I was just trying to let myself off too easily by thinking that. He started to sit up, so I had to lift myself up before my face fell in his lap. His arms wrapped around me and stayed that way for a moment. My body was held awkwardly upright while my face buried high up against his chest. The top of my head seemed to rest against his throat, and I felt his chin moving above my head as he spoke in a gentle and reassuring voice.

"Don't ever compare yourself to Josh," he said. "What he did and what you did are not the same. I can't speak for everyone in that situation, but I'm not angry. I'm not upset, I'm not disgusted, and my opinion of you hasn't changed. I wanna stay as your friend."

My heart was racing inside my chest. What was this feeling? We'd grown so close in such a short amount of time that there's no way anyone could ever take his place. Thanks to him, thanks to Charlie, even thanks to Ben and Goose who kinda just fumbled along acting so indifferent and used to everything, and Tristan, and Niko, my life felt like my own for the first time. Mum may have been misled by faith and blinded by the light, but maybe, just maybe, she could see things from my point of view from way up there.

Maybe... just maybe, she'd end up being proud of me.

"Jude," he said, laying back down and signalling for me to lie down again with him. 

"Whether it's a year from now," he said with an exhale, "Or two years, or four, we'll stay best friends just like this. Don't dwell on whatever happened between us yesterday. Don't overthink things on your own. Charlie's not the best for secrets, but you can always come to me. Even if it's about me... actually, especially if it's about me."

My head bobbed up and down as he laughed. He let out a oof sound as I took him by surprise, burying my head against his stomach in embarrassment. His hands gripped my back as he kept laughing. A few more chuckles later, he continued, "I'm not afraid to face things head on with you. You're enough of an idiot that I feel confident in front of you," he joked, or probably not really joked, "and all I want from you now is to heal. Take this time to care for yourself, forgive yourself, and maybe... maybe one day you can forgive your mum. Not Josh or that seedy asshole pastor though, fuck them both."

Charlie could be heard squealing outside and splashing around in the pool. The last part of that motivating little spiel paired with Charlie's raucous noise made me chuckle, but it also made me a little sombre.

"I think I do forgive my mum," I said, contemplatively. "Maybe she couldn't help it any more than I could. Maybe I was just fortunate, and no one showed her any better like you guys have all shown me. I know she loved me, and I know she always tried to have my best interest at heart. I understood it more back then when I still felt the same way as her, but I understand it less now. I'm sad I missed out on so much in life, and that I must've hurt so many people, but I don't want to blame her. She can't do much about it now, anyway."

"You love your mum?" he asked, now gently stroking my shoulders.

"I do," I said. And I meant it. It'd have been amazing if I'd kept receiving her love and support unconditionally all this time, just as Jesus had called to love, but everyone was flawed. That's why he even died for everyone's sake. From now on, I'd do what I could to better myself as a person. To become the best version of myself. Strong, capable, smart, and attentive. I'd be open and understanding, and I'd love everyone I met equally without any discrimination. Except for Liam, who naturally came above the rest. "And I have a question about love and um, homo...sexuality."

Liam's hand stilled on my back.

"Oh?" he asked, craning his neck upwards to look at me. He looked awfully funny from this angle, although even with a squashed chin, he was far too fit for a double chin. His straight white teeth showed, making him look surprising good despite the angle. "What's that?"

"Can friends love each other?" I asked, nervously playing with the fabric of his shirt.

"Yeah," he said, raising his brows. "I guess they can."

"And it isn't gay?" I asked.

"No," Liam said with a grin. "It isn't gay to love your friends."

I popped my cheek back down against his stomach and kept playing with the fabric in front of my face. If it wasn't gay, then it'd be fine for me to say it, right? It wasn't gay, and I wasn't gay. I needed to let go of this prejudice and open up to my closest friend in the biggest way I could think of how. I gulped hard and took a deep breath.

"Then... I love you." 

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A/N: This ah, may be the last chapter.

It's 12AM and I've been depending on gin these past few nights to get a little bit of creative juice pouring, so my judgement may be a little unreliable. Throw some complaints if you feel like it ended too abruptly and I'll tie it down some more, but I feel like too much more will just water the story down. It's my first heavy, heavy book so I'm really not confident!

Thank you so much and for your positive comments, feedback, and support. And all the other peeps who have been following and voting from the beginning. PRE-CIATE YOU ALL.

Also if you like ma writing then feel free to read my others, like Ratbags and Scallywags, Practice Perfect, and my newest one, In These Arms. All gaaaay

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