She Is My Hayaat was ranked #8 in spiritual as of December 15th, 2015. A long chapter dedicated to all my loyal readers who have been with me and this story from the very beginning. Thank you. :) Because I owe you all one:

My eyes twitched under my heavy eyelids, and I grazed my cool fingertips across a hard as metal surface. It felt warm underneath my fingers, and it was smooth as ice. My eyes shuffled underneath the bright light that begged for me to welcome it with open eyes. I nuzzled my head deeper into a slick curve, and my swollen lips unconsciously touched the base.

Two arms tightened around my hips, and I cold feel his whole body underneath me, acting like a hard bed. I smiled into the curve of his neck as realization dawned over me. I was in the most happiest of places and quite content. In Izhar's arms, I felt at peace and never wanted to leave. I slowly opened my eyes, so I didn't wake him up and welcomed the rise of dawn.

My foggy eyes met the sharp curve of his jaw and chin, and my fingers splayed over his hard, exposed chest. The blanket stopped at his lower abdomen, calling danger and raising red flags as I remembered last night. No, it wasn't how they made it to be in the movies, all happiness and softness. Or like how they described in the books, sappy and cheesy. As a matter of fact, it was painful. However, Izhar had held me through the pain, and we relished the bliss. At times when the pain would be too much to bear, he'd hold me close and kiss me till I'd stop crying. Even the tears seemed painful as they burned their way out. There were so many moments where he'd stop himself, and I'd have to plead him to continue. He felt responsible for every touch and every feeling. And to say the least, he was.

I looked at my slender fingers as dark images shadowed across his perfect chest. To say he was hot was an understatement. My husband was sexy. I traced each ridge and contour amazed by the depths and trenches. He held me so strongly, and I knew I would always be safe in his arms. The light peeking through the thin curtains casted shadows in the most unknown places of the room, but it made me feel at ease. We were shaded underneath the darkness of last night's thunderstorm, draining out all the pain and tears.

I watched his chest move through the high and low notes underneath my cheek which I had shifted to above his heart. For the first time, last night I learned that our hearts moved in sync. They beat for one another, and without the second half, the notes were lost in the steady rhythm of music. My fingers trailed down to his hipbone, and suddenly we shifted. He moved me underneath him, and I was gasping.

I was falling.

And I had fallen hard.

Into the depths of his embrace.

My head hit the thick, soft pillows, and my body was enveloped in the thin sheets as he nuzzled my neck and placed his hands in mine, pinning them above my head. He was awake and had pretended to be asleep. Sneaky.

I giggled into his Adam's apple as his nose trailed up and down from the inside of my jawline to the soft spot in the hollow of my neck. I was ticklish, and he knew that very well.

"You little- you were awake this whole time!" I said quietly.

"Mmm," he mumbled into my collarbone.

I gasped as he nipped the edge of my collar sending me into overdrive. My hands squirmed above my head, locked in his big ones. The sheet separating us from the middle, teased me as it swayed across and down. I moved my head away from his so that one side of me was tucked securely into the soft bed. He loosened his hold on my hands and without thinking twice, I held the sheet against me.

I shyly looked up at him through my eyelashes and peeked into his eyes. They mimicked my happiness and held a longing feeling. Izhar leaned up against me with his elbows holding him up, and gently tucked my hair away from my face. I placed one hand on the side of his face, and he moved his head to kiss my palm. He came closer to me, and I could feel my chest and heart hammering against my rib cage. He kissed me on my lips, both of our mouths closed, and one hand moved to where mine clutched the sheet. My head arched back as his kisses lowered themselves down my chin and to the base of my neck.

He followed his trail back up and without breaking his hold on my fist, he deeply whispered in my ear, "How are you feeling?"

I shook my head trying to regain composure, but he made it impossible. "I'm okay Alhamdullilah. What about you?" my voice cracked as he bit the bottom of my ear in the subtlest ways.

"Perfect," he smiled into my cheek.

He moved his head back so he could look at me, and I traced the sharp lines on his face, lingering on the small mysterious crescent below his left eye that he'd never spoken about. I asked him about it with my eyes, and he caught my hand in his.

"I guess I have to tell you know, huh? I had gotten into a fight with someone during initiation into the gang. I was being a hormonal teenager and kept talking back to him with my smartass comments. At one point he got so pissed off at me that he pulled out a pocketknife from the back of his pocket and flung it at me. I guess I just got lucky that it didn't hit my eyeball," Izhar shrugged.

My mouth formed into a small O, and I placed a lingering kiss on it. He shuddered underneath my cold lips. I had traced and kissed every scar on his back last night, and he shivered then too. He braced himself for the moment I'd leave and feel repulsed, but I only loved him more as I counted each scar. I memorized every jagged line, every turn, and every point like I had memorized every line on his face and body.

Izhar smiled at me and traced the outskirts of my lip, returning my attention to him. He teased me endlessly, and I blushed sporadically. Every time I tried to move him away, he'd covet me. After a few minutes I finally pulled away. "Izhar I need to shower and so do you."

"Together?" he smirked.

I gasped and said, "You have a dirty mind."

He chuckled and leaned into my ear. "Darling, I don't have a dirty mind, just a sexy imagination," he said huskily

I pushed him away as I shook my head in embarrassment. After his laughter subsided, he looked at me and nodded his head. "Okay, you go first."

"Okay," I said.

He kissed my forehead, and I was about to get up when the sheet tugged me back to the bed. Vertigo pounded my head, and I slightly swayed back and forth. Before my head could hit the pillow, Izhar caught me in his arms and pulled me to his chest.

"Darling, are you okay?"

I closed my eyes as black covered my eyes and nodded. "Yeah, it's probably just my iron level."

"Do you want me to get you your iron supplements? You need to get some rest!" he said frantically.

I opened my eyes and smiled at him. "I'm fine! I never felt more rested in my life," I whispered.

He shyly grinned and blushed under my gaze. I slowly untangled his arms from around me and got back up. I forgot that he still held the other end of the sheet till he tugged me back again. I looked back at him and with one hand, he pulled the sheet that I had wrapped around myself.

"What are you hiding now? It's nothing I haven't seen," he winked.

My mouth fell to the floor, and I was covered in blush. I know I should have been more comfortable around him after last night. Yet, that was in the pitch darkness, and this was in the broad daylight. Oh hell to the no.

"Izhar please," I whispered.

I looked down and pulled the sheet, but it didn't give into my side one bit. I stood there shaking underneath his gaze as I could see him getting up with the other corner of the sheet from the side of my eye. He kissed my cheek and gently wrapped his end of the sheet around my bare shoulders.

The softest gestures of his made my heart explode, and I couldn't help the innocent smile that was only for him. I turned around without looking at him when he suddenly tugged me back to him with a firm grip on my waist. I moved my head to the side, and he brought all the tendrils of my hair in front, kissing the back of my neck and then my shoulder where the blanket had slipped down.

"Nothing I haven't already seen," he chuckled in my ear, reminding me.

My face burned, and my breath hitched. I ran out of his hold and into the shower no longer being able to take his proximity, and his laugher echoed throughout the whole penthouse. I could've sworn the whole apartment heard him.

As I had showered, I noticed the long marks and blemishes on my body. I moved my wet hair to the back and gasped as I made out the traces of fingers on my whole body. Some had hurt under the hot shower I had taken, and others burned or tingled even at a slight move. My body ached all over, but I had simply thought that that was the aftermath of what we did last night, not because bruises covered my middle.

I palmed one of the marks on my hips. Five long fingers, longer than my own peeked through my light skin. I couldn't tell Izhar, and I'd pray with all my might that he didn't find out because this was exactly what he'd been scared of. I breathed through my nose and grabbed the silk bathrobe from the bathroom shelf. It concealed the top half of my body where small marks hid.

Ya Allah, he couldn't find out. He won't. If he did, he'd never touch me in the same way again.

I cautiously opened the door and tiptoed back into our room, praying he wasn't there. Recalling the memories from last night, I remembered his pleas with me to stop begging for him continue. I had cajoled him and told him I'd be fine after ear-splitting screams and cries. Caught up at the time, I didn't understand that his hold on me was pushing his self-control and will. But I had loved every minute he held me tightly against him.

I could hear the shower from the bathroom across the hall. Thanking Allah for the spare time, I opened the curtains and stripped the sheets bare. I tossed them into the laundry and placed new ones. I grabbed the broom from downstairs and brushed the wooden and glass fragments that lay on the floor from the lamp that he'd broken. I shook my head and blushed.

Great, now I had to buy a new lamp because my husband had to break this one.

As I threw away the sharp pieces, the door to our bedroom opened and Izhar walked in wearing nothing but dark chocolate slacks. His Calvin Klein waistband peeked out, and he caught my gaze while rubbing his towel over his wet hair.

I gulped and walked into the walk-in closet without giving him a second glance. I pulled the bathrobe free from where I had tied it loosely around my waist when Izhar walked in. He looked at me, and I tightly clutched the cord in my hands. He grinned at the way my cheeks betrayed me and grabbed the turquoise shirt I had ironed last night for him to wear to work today. I faced forward with my back to him and tied my robe back on. He buttoned up his shirt painfully slow, and I played with the navy scrubs I'd pulled out.

"Darling, I need some help," he said.

I turned around and he held a turquoise striped tie in his hands. I sighed and shook my head at him. He walked across from his side of the closet to mine and handed me the tie. I gingerly took it in my hands and he put his in the front pockets of his pants, eagerly waiting for me.

"You always do this by yourself when I'm not home," I say.

"No one can do it as perfectly as you Mrs. Khan," he said with a smile.

"Says my perfectionist husband," I replied.

I finished knotting the tie and straightened his shirt. He pulled his hands out of his pockets and ran his hands through my wet hair and down my neck. He flicked off a lone drop of water and groaned against my neck as he kissed the spot dry.

I pulled his head back and said, "You're going to be late."

"I don't care," he grumbled against my jaw. "You don't know the things you do to me Nour. You drive me crazy," he said as he trailed a finger down the side of my body.

"I need to get ready for work!" I finally said and pushed him away.

I laughed at his angry glare and was about to turn back around when he suddenly spun me back on my heel and tugged the cord of my robe free.

"Izhar," I gasped.

I tried to close the middle, but I was too late. He grabbed my hands in his, and the band of his watch grazed my wrist as the coldness sent a shiver up my spine. Oh, no.

His eyes trailed down and with one hand, he pushed the robe off of my shoulder. His heartbreaking eyes widened with shock and realization, every cry and plea crashing down on him. I watched him as he let my other hand go and pushed away the silk from my other shoulder. He gently pulled the straps underneath my robe down and lightly trailed his fingers down my shivering body.

"I- I did this," he whispered. It came out more like a self-accusation than a question.

"No," I shook my head.

He placed his hands on my hip, finger to finger where an imprint lay imbedded. Fear casted over his eyes, and I knew in that moment he pitied himself. I cupped one of his cheeks in my hand and forced him to look into my eyes.

"Izhar, you didn't do this," I told him determinedly.

"Yes, I did," his voice shook.

Tears pooled at the edges of his eyes, love and teasing forgotten. There was nothing but apology, hurt, guilt, and fear evident in his dark, haunted eyes.

I spontaneously shook my head, wet hair thwacking against the wooden shelves and cabinets behind me. I grabbed the collar of his shirt and his hands completely left my body.

"No. Izhar! Don't do this to yourself. Please. I promise I'm fine. Look at my eyes, you always say that they never lie. You didn't hurt me. Please don't do this to yourself, don't do this to me," I said strongly.

He looked down and a tear fell to the carpet floor. His voice shook in my hands, his heart hurt in my arms. Everything I had hoped for came crashing down in my own embrace. I would not let him do this!

"Listen to me, look at me," I said guiding his eyes back to mine.

He looked at me, and I kissed the tears and face of shame away. I never wanted to see him cry, and I wouldn't let him cry again.

"When I gave myself to you last night, I gave you my whole self. Mind, body, soul, and heart. We both knew the consequences and we both agreed didn't we? I know that this is not what you or I expected, but I promise you, that I'm perfectly okay and content. Every feeling and emotion brings me back to you, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you for who you are. Your past, your life before me doesn't matter in the slightest to stop our love. We never kept lies from each other, we never fell asleep angry at one another.

So why are we doing this now? Why are you letting this get in between us? The way you held me last night, was a feeling, was an emotion, an intention I'll never let myself be rid of. You know why? Because I want to feel like that every time you hold me. You ignited my heart and burned me into something so precious, so vulnerable. I love you Izhar, please don't blame yourself for this," I whispered at the end as my voice started to shake, and I moved my hands to his chest.

He didn't say anything for awhile, only staring at me painfully. "Then who do I blame?" he asked suddenly in a small voice.

I looked up at him and tilted my head to the side. He grabbed the robe and unveiled my shoulders. "Who do I blame Nouran? For this? And this? And this?" he said angrily as he pointed out every mark.

"Who do I blame other than myself?" he asked desperately.

I touched the back of his head and said, "No one Izhar. No one."

He gently moved my hand away from the nape of his neck and ran his fingers over his now dried hair. "You're too good Nour. You deserve someone who can love you without hurting you," he said.

I shook my head and kissed him defiantly, "I only want you. The one who can make me feel loved and lace me with passion at the same time," I said into his lips.

Izhar's lips were a straight line till I gave away and pulled back, "The one who loved and wounded," he concluded.

I slumped against the drawers behind me, and he slowly took a careful step towards me. I watched him as he pulled the sleeves of the black silk back on my shoulders and took the cord in his hands, tying it in the middle.

I stared at him, but he didn't look at me once. I fumed with anger and dared myself to feel anything when I could feel his knuckles brushing on my abdomen through the silk.

"Make sure you take your iron pills, and get something to eat before you leave for your shift," he said in an emotionless voice.

He finally gave up on ignoring my face and briefly met my eyes. He gave a small smile that didn't reach his eyes and cupped my cheeks in his cool hands, hands that were always warm and in mine. Izhar gave me a longing kiss on my forehead, and I closed my eyes. He still hadn't give in.

"I'll be back home late, so don't put out dinner for me, and don't stay up," he said.

I opened my eyes, and he brushed his fingers over my cheek one last time. He pulled away and turned towards the closet door, but I grabbed his hand in mine. He stopped mid-step, and I could see his shoulders slump. My rose gold band clinked against his metallic one and without turning he said, "Allah Hafiz Nouran."

Without a second look, he walked out of the closet. Nouran.

******

"Hey, when are we going to get together and spend some quality time? I'm starting to feel lonely!" Anam said.

I turned the page of the chart I was filling out and without looking up asked, "Aren't you coming to Subhan and Sila's Aqiqah this weekend?"

It would be exactly 14 days, and I was excited about going home for the weekend. Mama had called last week reminding me that the Aqiqah was soon, and both her and I had persuaded Izhar into letting me stay over for the weekend.

"In sha Allah!" Anam said and signed off on her chart.

"Why don't you come over that Friday night, and we can hang out like the old days? I feel as if I barely see you even though I see you almost every week at work," I said.

"Are you sure that's okay? I mean aren't you guys going to be busy?" she asked.

"Oh, don't worry. We'll put you to work as well," I winked and smiled at her.

"I don't doubt it, but I don't mind it either," she shrugged.

I laughed and went back to writing and signing off on my chart.

"So Izhar Bhai won't be staying?" she asked suddenly.

I stopped writing and thought about our argument this morning. I looked down at the papers in front of me and pretended to read the blurry words. Blood rushed to my head, and vertigo crashed down on me again. I swayed on my feet and touched my head, closing my eyes.

"Hey habibti, you okay?" Anam asked worriedly, touching my shoulder.

I gulped and opened my eyes. "Yeah, I think my iron level is just really low," I assured her.

"When did you start feeling like this," her nurse voice picking up.

"Since when I woke up this morning," I said.

I shook my head lightly and blinked my eyes a few times till the aching feeling subsided somewhat.

"Did you take your iron pills?" Anam asked.

Oh shoot! With my anger boiling, I had forgotten to eat something and take iron pills.

"No, I forgot," I whispered guiltily.

Anam looked at me disappointedly and grabbed my arm, "Mrs. Nouran Bayaan Hameed! I can't believe you are still stubborn about this! Nothing is more important than your health!" she scolded.

I sighed heavily and pleaded with my eyes for her to stop her never ending lecture.

"Don't give me that look! Come on, we are hunting down some food and iron pills right now since I know you probably didn't eat a single thing!" she snapped.

"Anam, it's not time for break yet!" I declared.

"I don't care missy, you just wait till I tell Izhar Bhai. I would tell Kaiyanat Aunty too, but she'd get worried. If you don't care about yourself, than at least take into consideration as to how others get worried about you," she said seriously.

Anam looked away sadly, her sleek ponytail brushing her shoulder. I smiled and patted her cheek. "I promise we will go get something to eat once we are on break," I said.

"You are going to drink a full glass of water right in front of me, and I will send one of the nurses with you to the cafe since we don't have break at the same time today," she said motherly.

"Yes, mother," I smiled.

She scrunched her nose and I laughed at her childishness. "Oh and Anam, please don't tell Izhar," I whispered.

"Why?" she asked curiously.

"I just don't want him to be worried," I said nonchalantly.

"Fine, but promise to take care of yourself?" she asked with her eyebrows arched up.

"Promise," I said.

******

That night, I came home before Izhar and waited up even though he'd told me not to. I aimlessly walked around the room, and kept looking at the big glass and wooden clock perched on one of the walls. It was half past one after midnight and he still wasn't home. He hadn't called me once at work or when I got home today which was very unlike him. In frustration, I didn't call him either.

I wrapped my hands tighter around myself, shivering as the cool silk of my long, full-sleeves night gown rubbed against my skin. I knew I couldn't pull out a piece like the one I wore last night for quite sometime. After what felt like forever, I heard the door open downstairs and I nearly ran to the big bed, tucking myself underneath the blanket, facing my right side where he slept.

I hadn't eaten anything except for a banana, a blueberry muffin, and an iron pill with water here and there. He'd told me to not keep anything out for him when he came home, but never thought twice as to how I never ate dinner by myself. He told me to not stay up late, but he knew very well I couldn't sleep without him.

I could hear his footsteps shuffling up the steps and near the door, and I shut my eyes. My back was to the door, but I could hear him slowly opening the bedroom door. He quietly walked to the center of the room, where I lay motionless in the bed. I slightly opened my eyes and shut them again quickly. I had turned off all the lights to make it seem as if I were actually sleeping.

The bed dipped behind me, and I almost turned around and jumped into his arms as his fingers brushed my hair back from my face and down to the tips. He gave me a soft kiss on my temple, and I sighed through my nose.

His nose skimmed down to my ear and he whispered, "I'm sorry hayati."

I clenched my jaw and kept my hold tight on the blanket making no move or noise. The bed felt empty as he got back up. Though I couldn't see him, I could present a place with his footsteps. I knew he went to the walk-in closet and grabbed his favorite gray and plaid pajamas with his burgundy long-sleeves for bed. I could promise myself I heard him take a long intake of breath the minute he closed the bathroom door behind him.

As he moved around the bathroom, I kept my eyes open and stared at the moon that shined through the window. I missed his presence, the bed feeling awfully cold. I tossed and turned, but knew sleep wouldn't consume me till I was peaceful in his arms.

I stopped moving once I heard the bathroom door open again, and Izhar switched the light off. He slipped underneath the covers, his back facing me. I opened my eyes to see him at the edge of the bed, as far away from me as possible. If only he knew how much I craved his presence and warmth.

In anger, and no longer being able to hold up my facade, I turned my back on him and moved all the way to the opposite end. My teeth bit the end of my lip, and I could feel the blood oozing out. But I didn't care.

I don't know how many times I tossed and turned in the cold bed, before his familiar arms that I had longed for, wrapped around my waist. He kissed the back of my shoulder, but I didn't behind me. I was angry beyond my mind, and what he said in the silence of the night made me even angrier.

"You need to get some sleep. It's not good for your health."

He did not need to tell me what was and wasn't good for my health because clearly he didn't care.

******

"Beta, have you spoken to Izhar?" Mama asked.

I looked down at Sila jaan in my arms and rocked her as her eyes started to close.

"No, Mama," I answered honestly.

She knew something was up, but didn't mention it. Mama sighed heavily and patted Sila's cheek. "Make sure you call him. No buts and ifs," she warned.

I looked at her giving her the puppy face, and she shook her head at me.

When I'd left to come here, Izhar wasn't home. He knew I'd be leaving today, but only mentioned it the night before. The Aqiqah was tomorrow, and I already missed him. We barely spoke throughout the week only talking in short phrases and one-word replies. He'd tried to be normal with me, but he knew I was still mad with how he'd blamed himself.

I stared off into space thinking about what he was doing since he was probably already home now. I walked upstairs to the nursery and turned on the lights. I rocked my jaan in my arms once more, making sure she was completely asleep, and placed her in her princess crib. I pulled her blanket to below her chin and loosened her bow cap.

As I brushed a finger down her soft cheek, she wrapped her precious little hand around it. I smiled at my jaan. Even at such an age, they seeked affection. After her grip had loosened on my finger, I gave her a flying kiss and turned off all the lights except for the projector light that splayed the galaxy on the ceiling.

It was time to go hunt down Subhan now, who'd refused to sleep even after midnight. I knocked on Sabr's door and walked in. Bhabi was walking around the room, holding my crying habibi in her arms and Sabr sat on the bed, trying to console her.

"Help!" Sabr whisper yelled.

Bhabi turned around and looked at me, holding Subhan towards me, "Yes, please do. He's just like how Mama and Adeel said you were as a baby."

In their eyes, Subhan habibi was like me, always awake and crying the whole night, leaving his parents restless.

I took him in my arms and gently rocked him. After slowly patting his back for a few minutes, he gave a small burp. Bhabi huffed, and her shoulders collapsed in tiredness. She gave him a last glance before taking his bottle off of the nightstand and waking out the door.

He cooed happily in my arms as I made funny noises and rubbed my nose against his cheeks. Sabr got off her bed and rubbed her hands on her eyes, and grudgingly walked to her bathroom.

"Thank the Lord," she mumbled.

I shook my head behind her back, and she hastily closed the bathroom door behind her. Nobody could mess with my babies.

******

I had left a brief voicemail on Izhar's phone the next morning because I knew Mama would be on my case if I hadn't, and there was no way I could lie so that wasn't even an option. He hadn't called or texted me back so I let it be and pretended as if it didn't bother me, though it did more than I wanted it to.

As the time neared for the Aqiqah, we all got dressed and got ready to go to the masjid. We were holding the small intimate ceremony in the event hall of the masjid with family and close friends. My in laws were coming as well, and so was my aunt and her family from Cape Cod along with my Nana and Nani.

The preparations had kept me busy, but once I had gotten to the masjid, and greeted the guests, I couldn't stop thinking about Izhar. Why was he ignoring me? Had he not missed me?

I never felt so terribly alone in my life, even with so much people around me. I craved for his presence, his voice in my ears, and his gestures.

"Nourie? Have you spoken with Izhar? The Khutbah and Dua are about to start. Where is he?" Bhaiya asked patiently as I excused myself from a few of the guests.

"I couldn't speak to him. He didn't pick up so I left a voicemail," I said truthfully.

"Nouran, is everything okay between you two?" he asked softly.

I smiled at him and nodded my head, "Perfectly okay."

"It better be," he said eyeing me.

I laughed at his protective demeanor and pushed him where Mama was calling for him.

I watched everyone start to settle down as the Imam made his way to the front of the hall, and gave his salaam. My in laws were here as well, and they had asked me the same question, and I had answered in the same manner. After seeing my discouraged face, they had assured me that he was probably stuck at work and would be here sooner than later.

Everyone answered in unison and I looked down at my phone one more time. Even on a day like this, his work had to get in the way.

I turned my phone off, and focused my full attention on the Khutbah with Silsila habibti in my arms.

I kissed her forehead and mumbled, "Where's Phuppa?"

Just for clarification: No, she is not pregnant! Please comment because when you guys don't, I never know what you guys are thinking! However, when you do, it means the world to me. And clicking the ☆ would be much appreciated! :) It makes me believe my hard work is paying off, and that people actually enjoy this story.