You had a long conversation with Seojoon, for the first time in months you were able to talk to each other in a civilized way. While he could be pessimistic, he was also very down-to-earth and sometimes he helped you think through things and not get carried away.

Jungkook had changed your life in more than one way these past few months. You could honestly say this was your best moment in life. After a very long time of feeling lost and alone, you finally had someone you could count on, that made you feel safe, kept your life interesting with his endless surprises, made you feel accepted, appreciated and loved.

Yet you were now starting to wonder if you were doing the right thing. You'd enjoyed yourselves every step of the way, you hadn't rushed into things, you'd let them flow and happen naturally. You took it one day at a time and savored every moment with each other.

It felt right, until you realized you might have been hurting Jungkook all along. Maybe this was just a thrill for the both of you after all. Seojoon had initially made it feel like he meant you were just sleeping with each other because it was exciting, but in reality how far could it go?

You were just some sad girl from Daegu that got lucky and met their favorite person, and he loved you. But you didn't fit in his life, never did, everyone had been telling you for the longest time and you kept going without listening. It felt so good, so sweet, but it was bad.

What had you done? What were you doing to him? This was never meant to last, how could it. Even when they disbanded, even when he stopped being an idol, he'd never really stop. He'd never not be a celebrity. You'd never belong together.

It was forced, you couldn't match up to him, no matter how much you tried, no matter how badly you wanted it. You innocently wanted to believe you could, but at this point you were heading nowhere and you were dragging Jungkook with you. Leading him on because of your selfishness.

You should have never given him your number, you didn't think he'd contact you. But the possibility that he might, even if it was nearly impossible, made you feel excited. Why had you flirted with him? Why had you let him get closer? Why had you let his feelings for you grow?

And now you had to hurt him, he needed someone else by his side, it was never you that was meant to be there with him. It was always temporary, you were never and could never be up to par. But you had fooled yourself with your stupid dreams and your naivety once more, ended up playing with his feelings and yours.

You didn't mean to, but it was done. You knew the right thing was to stop it, but it hurt. You had to get over your being hurt though, because the longer you took, the more it would hurt Jungkook. He didn't deserve this and you felt horrible for not having realized what it was that you were doing sooner.

Nothing could come out of this but pain, you were hated for being with him. But you'd be hated more for breaking it off because the relationship just couldn't progress, it would become stunted eventually. You wanted to stay for every minute of it until then, but that would be heartless when you knew nothing could come out of being together.

You were just going to be that bitch that hurt Jungkook from now on, that played him and broke his heart. They wouldn't be wrong to hate on you. You deserved it, if you weren't optimistic to the point of stupidity, you would have seen it before.

Once you left the restaurant after dinner with Seojoon, you had a lot in your mind. You let Jungkook know you were on your way back to the apartment, you were fine. He was relieved you weren't upset, that your brother hadn't made you cry. Maybe things were looking up and your relationship with him was finally getting back on track.

As time went by, however, Jungkook felt something was off. He didn't know what was going on and you wouldn't tell him if there was anything. The hateful comments had really affected you, you'd been down for weeks, but he felt like there was something else now.

Even that same night, you had started acting weird. You always sought to get close to him in one way or another, be it hugging him, holding his hand, wrapping your arms around his neck or pecking him randomly.

You didn't cuddle with him, you stopped sleeping on your back and curled up on your side. He missed circling his arms around your waist and sleeping on you. Back-hugging you just wasn't the same, it didn't feel loving anymore, it felt like you were giving your back to him.

Were you getting fed up with all of this? With what you had to go through because of his life? With the cruelty of his followers? Were you done with him? Was he not worth it? Jungkook was scared, he didn't know what was happening, but you had to reach a limit at some point.

After giving yourself a couple of weeks to really think about it, in reality desperately trying to find a reason why you were not really wrong, you finally decided to talk to Jungkook. You simply couldn't do this to him, it was cruel. You'd been careless and it was the least you could do.

Kook's heart violently beat in his chest when you told him you needed to talk when he came back after work. He was finally going to learn what was bothering you and deep down he didn't want to know. He wanted everything to be alright, but he had a bad feeling and he wanted his gut to be wrong for once.

"Jungkook-ah" the tone of your voice wasn't right, but it hadn't been for the last two weeks. You took a deep breath and your eyes started to water.

"Yeobo, what's wrong?" his eyes widened and he tried to take your hands, but you took them away. Jungkook's eyes welled up with tears at your rejection. You had distanced yourself from him, you'd been cold, but now you didn't even want him to touch you.

"Don't. Just..." you tried to get the words out as you felt your throat close up. "I'm so sorry" you choked out and he clenched his fists holding back. You were so close, yet so far. You didn't want him.

"What do you mean?" he croaked. Kook didn't care about his stable voice anymore, he felt like his heart was going to burst.

"I'm sorry I've hurt you. This shouldn't have happened" he didn't understand what you were talking about. Had you somehow violated the NDA? Was something out there that shouldn't be?

"It's going to be okay. What is it?" Kook did his best to comfort you, to make you feel safe enough to tell him. He wasn't going to be mad, he couldn't be. You'd never hurt him on purpose.

"We should have never started dating"

"W-what?" His heart stopped and tears started running down his cheeks as he fell silent. He stared in shock without blinking, completely frozen in place.

"We just can't be together, what's the point?" this was hurting you a lot, your heart was crumbling just looking at him. You had to stay strong, this could be worse, much worse if you didn't go through with it now.

"You don't love me" he said in a whisper and your heart shattered. Jungkook hadn't wanted to hear it, he held onto hope and lied to himself to avoid the pain. You pressed your lips together, your feelings couldn't get in the way. "It's too much to handle, isn't it? It's not worth it" he muttered trying to find a reason.

"We don't belong, Jungkook" you didn't even address him in a caring way and his chest ached. He just looked down and pressed his sleeve to his eyes. It was him that wasn't worth it, he choked at the thought.

"Why not, noona?" he didn't feel right addressing you any other way anymore, you didn't want that. Jungkook thought he knew the answer, but he wanted to know you didn't resent him for what he had put you through. He dreaded to hear it, he needed it though.

"This relationship isn't going anywhere, it just can't happen. I wanted it to work, but it never could have, not with me"

"Why not?" he repeated and his voice faltered again, "what did I do?"

"It's not your fault, Jungkook-ah" you softened for a second when you said his name and his heart jumped.

"What can I do better? Please, tell me" he offered hurriedly at the hint of hope.

"You can do better than me, find someone else that can actually be with you" you swallowed after getting out the words and saw him clench his jaw. His wide, tear-filled eyes for once couldn't express how upset he was, it wasn't physically possible. You didn't want him, but he wanted you, he didn't want anyone else.

Jungkook curled up on himself, trying to ease the tension on his chest, and wrapped his arms around his face, just sobbing. He couldn't comprehend what was going on just yet, it was hurting too bad to be able to process it. You didn't love him, the thought wouldn't leave him alone.

You silently looked at him for a couple seconds and then down at your lap as you let the tears flow freely. You couldn't see him like this, you'd done this, you had hurt the one you loved the most.

"Will you please give me another chance, noona?"

"Please, I'll do better. Try harder."

-

You all think I do this for fun (I do too, 'write fanfic, it's enjoyable!'), but I've been sobbing like a baby while writing this. Hid my face when someone came in the room like, no, totally not crying because I hurt my own feelings.