I bend over to catch my breath for the first time this particular run. I search behind me down the block for a street sign. I haven't paid attention to my direction since I walked out the door. Now I'm disoriented, hungry, and feel sick. The pounding of my heart blocks any sound even as I watch cars pass by. My chest and legs burn and ache with a fire that almost distracts me from my stinging heels. Almost.

I'm pushing myself running this far into the city but it still doesn't feel far enough. I didn't know where I was aiming for when I left my apartment. I just needed to get out. Part of me hoped to get lost. I know that couldn't happen in this spacious town I've lived in since I was eleven. In fact, Nona's dance studio is just around the corner.

I needed to clear my head of... Everything. I tried to sleep through it all for an hour or so. The sheets made that impossible. The broken air conditioner contributed. Usually a treadmill at the local gym would suffice. The idea alone suffocated me. I needed fresh air.

The people. Sweaty people watching every move I make because they have nothing better to do than judge each other. I wasn't about to deal with it after what I've been through at work today. Between my boss, the customers, and my coworkers I thought I might lose it. I'm so sick of people.

I've avoided everyone this last week. I can't face them now that my secret is basically out in the open, apparently. Addison has tried to get me to go out with her on multiple occasions. I made up some lies about doing laundry or making myself dinner already. It's believable since Micheal's been teaching me how to properly "adult". I still think she knows they're excuses. She stopped asking.

I know I hurt her feelings. After our talk at the cafe then my stunt at the boutique I got her hopes up. Watching the excitement die from her face when I told her I wasn't coming out or moving with her tore at my chest. I thought she was going to start a fight about it. Then she acted like it never happened and asked Nona how she looked in her dress.

Of course she would. It's what I've made her do for years now. It was so easy for her to flip that switch though from happy about our relationship, to indifferent. If I didn't know her better - how bad she is at lying or hiding her emotions - I wouldn't worry about it. She did say she wouldn't wait for me. Why should she?

After I made her lie and hide herself for so long. It's my fault. We were having fun at first. I was just messing around, like experimenting with a new hobby. I didn't expect it to get serious. Along the way that's exactly what happened and I wasn't ready. I still don't think I am.

I'm not ready for what she wants but I love Addison. I don't want to lose her yet. I don't want her to think I'm okay with never seeing her again. I need to make this right. I just need to figure out how...

As my stomach clenches with a cramp I finally tell myself that's enough thinking. The last thing I need is to get sick on top of my heart break. Maybe if I catch Nona she'll take me home. I think she mentioned something about practicing today. I lean against the wall, clutching my side and limping down the sidewalk as my body pains finally catch up to me. I definitely overdid it.

Not that this isn't normal when I exercise. There's a reason I go to the gym. It's a controlled environment with plenty of people who can see me if I overexert myself. I'm usually pretty good about limiting myself though. Nona's gonna give me so much shit for ignoring my body's limitations.

I try to sigh out of exasperation but quickly need to take in more air to keep from choking. What was I thinking running for so long? If this doesn't stop I may need to take a hit from my inhaler. I hate relying on it but anything is better than suffocating and drowning on my own mucus. They should put that on my headstone.

I laugh at my morbid thoughts but it's more of a ragged wheezing. After hobbling fifteen minutes around the block the community center finally comes to view. I can finally stand straight and my breathing is to a minimum. Enough to convince Nona I didn't run straight here. The first thing I'm going to do when I get in there is take these sneakers off. If she also heard me gagging for breath she might punish me by making me take the bus home.

As I round the corner my steps halt. The front wall is basically one long window panel that exposes the rec room. You can see right in from the sidewalk and when I notice two people standing in the middle of the room I almost turn around. Nona leans against a handrail along the opposite wall while she holds a phone to her ear. To her right Carlos bends forward to grab the rail, stretching out his back as he rolls on his heels. The action stuns me as my eyes transfix over his flexing muscle.

Normally I avoid all contact when his shirt is off. From this distance it's safe to stare at the cool olive skin stained in ink and saturated in sweat. Most of his tattoos merge together in one tangled art piece. The one on his back stands out as the largest and most detailed piece. Nona actually drew it for him apparently and it's probably my favorite. It's a man and woman, no one in particular, locked in an embrace while dancing. They aren't quite detailed enough to see their emotions clearly but the distance and stance says it all. They're intimate to say the least.

Watching his muscles tense and constrict as he lifts sends a flutter up my chest. I panic as I think he might see me and start to back track. Then he smiles and leans toward Nona. His lips hover near the side of her head as he nips at her and says something I can't hear. I watch her giggle and swat him away like it's some joke. The interaction has me gritting my teeth as Michael comes to mind.

They're too close for comfort. I know for a fact Michael would not put up with that kind of behavior if he were here. Nona just rolls her eyes and goes back to her conversation on the phone. Is she talking to him now? I hate how they act with one another but it's always been like that and he knows it. It just doesn't seem fair to me though. Wouldn't I be a hypocrite to say that though with how I act around her?

Before I can start to question myself too much Carlos turns around. His usually slicked back hair hangs loosely over his ears, one strand falling across his forehead in front of his eye as he notices me. A slow grin spreads across his lips like I didn't just catch them in the middle of something. He lifts one hand and waves for me to come inside. I take one look around before bolting the way I came.

Once again I'm not sure why I'm running. Obviously they were just practicing. It's not like I caught them making out. She and I act the same way. Girls are just closer with each other. It's... normal, right?

I stop myself and hide in a random alleyway to catch my bearings. Unlike before this episode is accompanied by my overwhelming thoughts. Everything I managed to stuff in a trunk of my mind comes springing back out. The worries from a week ago resurface and I panic all over again. What Nona convinced me was perfectly fine now seems untoward.

I lean against the nearby brick wall as it feels like my stomach may evacuate my body. I barely caught my breath after the last run. Why did I think it would be a good idea to go again? I just wanted to get away from there. I didn't want to face him or Nona. I never should have left my house.

I heave, bent over even though I know I should stand straight. I can't, I'm too weak. Even before I could barely lift my arms. Now I think I might collapse. Everything burns from my nose, through my chest, down to my toes. There's a thumping in my ear and the unmistakable sensation of someone nearby. I dread looking up but know I should avoid being mugged. I don't know if I have any more energy for a third wind.

It's no stranger that meets my gaze. I want to drop dead at just the sight of him. Why did he have to follow me? I swear and avert my eyes from his still naked torso. The knot blocking my oxygen flow grows to a painful lump that makes my eyes sting. This couldn't get worse. Yet again he finds me in a vulnerable position I don't want to be in.

He moves his hands to tell me to get up, as if I didn't know already. He steps into the alley and I stumble back desperate to stay out of his reach. I cannot let him touch me again like this. Every move I make he counters. He blocks my path anytime I try to sprint around him until very quickly he traps me against the wall. I'm panting as I struggle for air and to get away from him. I'm basically sobbing as I gasp for my final breaths.

Before I know it his hands are on my wrists and yanking them above my head for me. I refuse to open my eyes. The tears don't stop pouring down my face even as I feel my lungs expand the slightest degree. I don't want to see the look I know he'll give me. Like I'm a helpless child he can't be bothered to deal with. If that's really how he feels then why does he continue to push himself on me?

"You're ridiculous," he scoffs and scolds, loosening his grip when my breaths finally even out, "Are you really so stubborn you'd rather die than listen to me?"

His voice flushes my eardrums as sound returns as if I just climbed from a pool. It's deep, jagged, and very much annoyed. Something about the sound after the muffled silence sweeps over my skin like the heat from an open fire. I want to tell him to back up but can't find the air to do it. I shake my head instead, as if I were that petulant infant he thinks of me as.

Fat tears stream down my cheeks making it difficult to focus. If I could just breathe properly this wouldn't be so hard. I want to kick and scream and pummel him for laying his hands on me again. Any attempt to even move my fingers feels like wading through the deepest parts of the ocean. Even when I do open my eyes to glare at him my vision is spotty and bleary and I feel tired. So with less vigor than I'd like I try to head butt him. Instead my forehead gently rests against his sternum and I cry harder. Defeated and depressed I lie there for as long as he allows me until the frustration melts away.

"Do you feel better now?" I manage a weak nod in response hoping he'll let me go. Instead his grip tightens and his voice is stern as he says, "Look at me and say it, Kara."

"I'm fine," I croak out and even I know it's a pathetic attempt at assurance.

He stares at me, blinking as he searches my face and giving me brief flashes of his chocolate colored eyes. Then he rolls them and grins, "I doubt it."

I narrow my eyes but don't say anything as I allow myself time to restabilize. I swear he tries to get on my nerves sometimes. His hands never leave my skin even as his grip loosens significantly. As my agitated gaze never leaves his, there's a shift in his expression. He looks at me, really looks at me, like he's trying to figure me out. As if he could learn all my secrets by staring at me hard enough. It's almost as if he wants to...

"You look tired," he interrupts my thoughts and I release a breath I didn't know I was holding. He notices and smirks before leaning closer with a hushed tone, "Rough day, princesa?"

"Month," I admit with a sniffle and immediately chastise myself for it.

He does it on purpose. His smooth talking to get me to open up to him while I fumble for air. I couldn't hide my emotions if I tried right now. All the while I'm consciously aware of his hands as they reposition my arms over my head, giving slack and space between my wrists as he leans impossibly close.

"Tell me about it."

I grit my teeth to keep myself quiet and almost hiss, "It's none of your business."

He tilts his head, the amusement growing on his face, "You still seeing Addison?"

"Yes," I immediately snap back, offended.

His eyes scour my face, the heat scorching my skin and sending my heart back to overdrive. I swallow a fresh lump forming in my throat as his minty fresh breath invades my senses. His eyes drift down and watch the action before slowly finding mine again, "Let me know if you ever aren't."

With that he drops my hands and I clench them, ready to throw them at him, "Where do you get off? What makes you think I'd want you?"

How dare he assume because I'm in a bad mood that we broke up. Then to have the audacity to come onto me while he's seeing someone. But the worst part is he has me considering the possibility. A life without Addison makes my heart stutter in fear. It's like she's a buoy in the middle of the ocean I'm desperately trying to cling to. My last hope for safety from the drowning feeling life leaves me with. It's all within the nearing future.

"What about Stevie? You're such a pig I can't believe any human would willingly date you."

Carlos' jaw flexes as his eyes flash with a rare anger but they never leave mine, "Our relationship status is none of your business."

"It is when you run around town flirting with everything that wears a skirt," I throw my arms up in exasperation before jabbing a finger into his chest, "Nona is getting married. Make that your business and stay out of theirs."

His hand reaches up and once again wraps around my wrist. This time his face is a blank canvas as he stares impassively at me. His hand is calloused and his fingers circle my wrist making me feel small and fragile. My skin buzzes as heat climbs up my arm leaving my hairs standing in its wake. I gulp, unable to take my eyes from his.

"Don't do that," his voice is clear, dull, and unamused for once, showing me just how serious he is, "You know nothing of my and Nona's relationship. What you and Addison have is cute but you could never understand a real connection. Eres una mocosa mimada jodiendo por ahí. Don't come at me when you know nothing about me. Unless you want something to really cry about."

"Fuck you, let go of me." I try pulling away as the words crack. Already I can feel another swell of tears behind my eyes at his words, "You don't know me."

"I know when Nona had a problem she'd rather come to me than you. I know you're just another niña rica stuck in high school and running around with the same pija group you did then. I know when you look at me all you see is gutter trash. And I know nothing I do could ever change your mind, no importa cuánto lo quiera."

My breath hitches as he pulls me closer and lays my palm flat over his chest. As I look up at him I've never felt smaller in my life. The alley walls shrink and I feel suffocated once more. I can't tell whose heart is beating faster. Mine or his.

"You're too blind to see anyone but yourself."

My mouth dries and the color drains from my face. He doesn't show an ounce of sympathy or regret as he drops my hand so it dangles at my side. I can't even lift my head as fresh tears warm my cheeks and soak my neck. They're silent tears, the kind that tear at the heart but no one would notice. His words scream in my head everything I already knew but tried to ignore. The sadness, the loneliness, the fear. Everything I desperately try to avoid but keep finding myself stuck in.

He's right. I'm just a spoiled baby. The second anything changes or goes wrong I cry and think about myself. I've always been like this. The Artigas only made it easier. I never belonged there though I just pretended that life was mine. I guess I got used to pretending and never stopped.

Carlos digs in the pocket of his sweats to pull out his phone and swears. As he looks at the screen he frowns and takes a step away but not without giving me some parting words, "We're not so different. If you want my advice, keep it secret."

With that he jogs out of the alley and out of sight without another glance in my direction. I hesitantly step out after him only to find his silhouette already gone. Like a figment of my imagination he's gone taking a chunk of me with him. At least that's what it feels like as I crawl back into the crevice of two random buildings and slide to the ground so I can cry in privacy.

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September 17, 2023

Short and sweet, much like my motivation

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