Several days drifted past, and nothing more came of the rumours, so maybe I'd panicked over nothing. It really had just been a coincidence and no one knew a thing.

I'd have relaxed, except every day Finn encouraged me to go a little deeper into the pool. I still hadn't gone out of my depth yet, and today he'd told me that he wanted me to try something else. He wanted me to put my head under the water.

My initial instinct was to refuse.

Actually my initial instinct was to jump out of the pool and run to my room so I could hide under my bed. Preferably with comfort food. Like cake.

But I couldn't pretend I hadn't made progress, and that Finn hadn't helped me with that. Surely I couldn't have come this far to chicken out now.

But as I stared down at the water, clear and warm and gently swaying around us, bile climbed up my throat.

"I'm right here," Finn said softly.

There were no sharks.

No icebergs.

I couldn't freeze to death.

Finn wouldn't let me drown.

Why the fuck was I still so fucking scared?

Phobias sucked.

"I can do this," I whispered. "I can."

I sucked in several deep breaths, trying to quell my panic. I was safe here. I was with Finn. I could do this.

Before I could second-guess myself, I gripped my nose with one hand and ducked beneath the surface of the water.

Oh hell fucking no.

The water was everywhere, and even though I was in a pool and not the sea, I swore I could taste cold brine, forcing its way into my mouth, into my eyes. I flailed with both hands, and the water rushed into my nose, choking me, and I couldn't breathe.

Strong hands gripped my arms and held me up and my head broke the surface of the water, but I still couldn't breathe, I was still choking, and I couldn't tell if I was crying or not. My face was wet, my eyes stung, and my breath came in rapid bursts.

"It's okay, you're okay, everything's okay," Finn soothed.

There was water in my throat; I coughed and spluttered.

Finn rubbed my back, but my skin felt raw and sensitive, and I pushed him away.

"Fuck," I gasped as soon as I could speak. "Fuck."

"You did it," Finn said, and he sounded genuinely proud of me.

Somehow that made me feel worse.

"How the hell did I do it? I just panicked," I said.

"After putting your head under, not before," Finn pointed out.

I scrubbed my palms across my face. "It was still fucking awful."

"It will be easier next time –"

"Next time? There's not going to be a fucking next time. I'm done with this," I snapped.

"Tasha," Finn tried.

"Don't." I turned my back on him because I half-thought I was going to cry and I didn't want him to see that.

Water rippled behind me as Finn stepped closer, and when he put a hand on my shoulder I flinched away. I didn't know if I was mad at him for pushing me to go past my limits, or mad at myself for not being able to do it.

"Look how well you've already done," Finn said quietly.

I scrubbed my face again. "Why does this matter so much to you?"

"I already told you –"

"And I'm calling bullshit on that." I wanted to turn and look at him, but at the same time I couldn't face him.

Finn was silent for a few moments.

The lapping of the water at the edges of the pool sounded too loud to me.

"I think it would do you good to face your fears," Finn said at last.

This time I whirled to face him, water spraying into my face.

"Why am I the only one who has to?" I demanded.

Finn stared back at me, his forehead furrowed.

"Seriously, Finn, why do I have to face my fears but you don't?" I said.

His jaw tightened and his eyes slid away from me. "Is that what this is about? You promised me that you'd never ask to come into my bed."

"I'm not," I snapped. "But why is it so important for me to face my fears but not important for you to do the same?"

Finn said nothing.

"The only reason I can think of is you feel like you are facing your fears, through me. By pushing me to confront mine, you can feel like you're confronting yours, without actually having to do it," I continued.

Still he said nothing, but his jaw was clenched tight.

I sighed, my anger receding. "Look, I'm not trying to push you to do anything, but if you really think it would do me good to face my fears, then maybe you should consider that it would do you good to face yours. One day, at least. It doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to be with me, but one day."

I tried to ignore how much it stung to say that.

Finn and I hadn't made any promises to each other, or even defined whatever our relationship was, but the thought that another woman might take my place one day hurt more than I thought it would, like a shard of ice sliding into my chest.

Still Finn said nothing, and his expression was completely blank now, a mask, not a single crack of emotion showing through.

Another long span passed, and even though there wasn't much space between us, it felt like more, as if we were standing at opposite ends of the pool.

Then Finn gave a curt nod. He strode past me, climbed out of the pool and left the room without even grabbing a towel, leaving a trail of wet footprints behind him.

I stared after him, emotion bubbling in my chest.

Maybe I'd been a little harsh in springing that on him, but was I wrong in what I'd said? I didn't think so.

Or maybe I was and I just couldn't see it.

Or I wasn't wrong, but I could have handled it better.

I swiped away a droplet of water on my nose, and froze, my hand in midair.

Finn was gone.

I was standing in the pool, by myself, with the water almost to my shoulders, and I hadn't even noticed.

Something swelled in my chest, and I couldn't even put a name to it. It wasn't exactly pride, or excitement, or determination, but something between all three.

Today hadn't gone to plan but, despite my earlier reaction, this wasn't the end. I could and would face this again.

***

I didn't see Finn much for the rest of the day, and yeah, that pissed me off. Yelling at him hadn't been helpful, but I still believed that what I'd said was right.

I pottered around the house most of the day, passing time in the cinema room, trying to work on my table tennis technique in the games room – I still sucked – reading more of Finn's books, and idly scrolling through social media.

I told myself that I was just looking for news updates about the weather, or people's posts about how they were entertaining themselves while they were snowed in, but every now and then I couldn't help looking for more news on Finn's girlfriend rumour.

I saw mention of it here and there, but only from small accounts, nothing that was going to gain any real traction.

Thank fuck for that.

Even if it had been a coincidence, if Camden had got wind of it, she would have had some serious questions for me.

Finn didn't emerge until later that evening, coming into the kitchen as I was finishing off my quick pasta dinner. I said nothing, just pointed to the saucepans and the bowl I'd left out for him, letting him know that I'd made enough for two, then I sat at the island unit and waited calmly for him to speak.

At first he didn't.

He paused in the entryway, one hand gripping the back of his neck, his eyes darting around the room, landing on anything but me.

"Hey," he mumbled at last.

"Hey," I said. Polite. Neutral.

A pause.

Finn sighed and tipped his head back. "I'm sorry, okay?"

"Me too. I shouldn't have said all that," I said.

A knot in my chest started unravelling; I hadn't even realised it was there.

Finn pulled out a seat close to me. "No, you were right. All this time I've been telling myself that I'm just trying to help you, and I am, but maybe it's not just about that."

"I didn't have to throw it at you like that," I said.

He smiled a little. "You were scared and freaking out. I don't blame you."

"So we're okay?" I said.

Finn nodded, but he was frowning. "There's something I need to do." He placed his palms flat on the countertop, fingers spread, like he was physically bracing himself.

I waited.

Finn raised his eyes to mine, and he was trying to keep his expression neutral, but I could see the uncertainty there, the unease.

"Will you come to bed with me?" Finn asked.

My mouth dropped open.

"That's not – I wasn't asking for that," I said.

"I know."

"And I really meant what I said. Even if you do this, it doesn't have to be with me –"

"Yes, it does," Finn interrupted. His eyes burned into me.

"I don't want you to do this just because you think it's what I want," I whispered.

"I'm not," Finn said.

"And I don't want you to feel like I'm pressuring you into this."

"You're not." He was starting to sound amused.

"And I did promise that I'd never ask you that."

He placed his hand on mine. His palm was heavy and warm, and I found myself focusing on his chipped nail polish because I didn't know how to cope with meeting his eyes right now.

"Tasha," he said, quiet and firm. "You didn't ask, and you're not pressuring me. All you've done is made me realise that this is a fear I should face, rather than let it keep controlling me. I can't face it alone, obviously, and there is no one else in this whole goddamn fucking world that I want it with more than you."

My heart.

I blinked furiously, trying not to cry. "Are you sure?" I whispered.

"Fucking positive," Finn said.

I hadn't anticipated this. I'd hoped we could discuss this morning like rational adults and hopefully reach an understanding, but I'd never imagined that Finn was going to break one of his most important rules.

Not like this.

Not for me.

There was a strange feeling beneath my skin, like my veins were filling with sunlight.

"Finn," I said, then had to stop because my mouth was so dry.

"Tash," he said. He leaned closer, his eyes twinkling. "The suspense is killing me."

"Ask me again," I said.

The twinkle faded from his eyes, becoming something softer and warmer. "Will you come to bed with me?" he said.

"Yes," I whispered.