Despite

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Rizalde has been quiet for quite some time now. Simula no'ng umuwi kami galing sa condo ng papa niya ay hindi na siya nagsalita. He wouldn't talk to me no matter how hard I try to converse with him.

I remembered how he cried so hard this morning, saying he wants his father to come with us. Pero hindi ako pumayag.

Pinilit kong buhatin si Rizalde kahit nagwawala siya. Because he is already big, it was too hard for me to carry him and just drag him home. Naalala kong nasigawan ko pa siya dahil sa pagpupumilit niyang sumama sa'min ang tatay niya. E, ayaw ko nga!

I swear I didn't mean to shout at my son. Nabibigla lang ako sa mga pangyayari. I didn't know what to do and I was so frustrated at him that all I could do was to raise my voice. Thankfully, Reje talked to Rizalde and that was the only time my son decided to come to me peacefully. Pero ngayon ay hindi niya na ako pinapansin.

Rizalde has always been matured. Simula pagkabata ay wala akong naging problema sa kaniya. Pasensyoso at marunong umintindi. Pero tila namomroblema ako sa inaakto niya ngayon.

I left him alone in his room after some time of wooing. Pasasaan pa ay alam kong lilipas din ang kaniyang tampo sa'kin.

Kinabukasan ay maaga akong pumasok sa eskwelahan. I received a message from the department chair yesterday saying he needed to talk to me. Doon pa lang ay alam ko ng kakausapin niya ako tungkol sa nangyari kay Sir Dominic. I'm a bit scared because the two of them are close with each other. And after knowing that Sir Dominic knew about my past, it wouldn't surprise me if he also knew about it.

"Good morning, ma'am," bati sa'kin ng guard pagkapasok ko ng gate. Binati ko siya pabalik at dumaan muna sa faculty room bago kumatok sa opisina ng department chair.

"Come in,"

I opened the door and saw the chair holding some class schedules in his hand. I swallowed some of my saliva before making myself comfortable by seating on the receiving chair.

"Narinig kong binugbog daw ng asawa mo ang kaibigan ko,"

Napaismid ako sa kaniyang sinabi,

"Hindi ko po siya asawa,"

Napapantastikuhang ibinaba ng department chair ang kaniyang salamin bago tuluyang humarap sa akin.

He handed me the piece of paper he's been looking at.

"Ano po ito?"

"Schedule 'yan kung kailan gaganapin ang Math and Science Festival. Kasali ang anak mo riyan diba?"

Napahigpit ang aking hawak sa papel,

"Do you want me to announce that Teacher Grace, or Sofia is not really a teacher in the middle of that event? Gusto mo bang sabihin ko rin na kriminal ka habang rumarampa ang anak mo sa stage?" he added that made my lips quiver.

Biglang nanginig ang aking kamay sa galit at takot. Why would they involve my innocent son?

"Sir, baka pwede namang pag-usapan na—"

"Yes, yes! That's why you're here! Para pag-usapan natin ang nangyari,"

My knuckles unknowingly balled into fists.

"A-ano po bang kailangan ni'yo?"

"Wala naman. I just like to see you suffer like what my friend is going through right now in the hospital,"

Suffer? Didn't I suffered enough?

"He deserves it!"

"Oh, yeah? How about you? Do you deserve being called a teacher after fooling everyone that you are licensed? Do you deserve being respected knowing you have a criminal record?"

Napatigalgal ako at hindi nakapagsalita. Buong araw ay hindi ako pinatahimik ng mga katanungan sa akin ng department chair. Every hour that would pass, I would become more and more scared that my secret would be revealed at any moment.

"Teacher Grace ang ganda-ganda ni'yo po! Crush ka po ni Theo," one of my students yelled while I'm teaching.

Napahinto ako sa pagsusulat sa board. Hinarap ko ang aking estudyante,

"Talaga? Totoo ba 'yon, Theo?"

Nahihiyang napakamot sa batok ang isa ko pang tinuturuan.

"Opo, ma'am. Ang bait-bait ni'yo rin po, para po sa'kin ay kayo na po ang best teacher ko!"

A bitter smile formed on my face. How I wish they could still say that after knowing every bad thing I did. They might be too young to understand what part I did wrong, pero sana balang-araw, maintindihan nila kung bakit ko sila nagawang lokohin.

Dumiretso ako sa klase ni Rizalde no'ng dumating ang uwian. Nakasalubong ko ang homeroom teacher niya kaya tinanong ko siya kung nasaan ang aking anak.

"Nasa loob pa po ma'am, kasama ng tatay niya. Ikaw po ahh, hindi ni'yo sinabi umuwi na pala ang asawa niyo. Haha ang pogi, ma'am!"

Kumunot ang aking noo ngunit imbis na usisain siya sa kaniyang sinabi ay mas pinili ko na lang na dumiretso sa silid-aralan para makumpirma kung tama ba ang aking hinala. And I was right that the father of Rizalde that she's talking about is Reje. Karga-karga niya ang aking anak habang masayang-masayang ipinapakilala ni Rizalde ang kaniyang ama sa kaniyang mga kaklase.

Kinurot ang aking puso sa nakita.

While raising Rizalde, I made sure to fill the gaps that might be missing in his life. Pero kahit ano pa lang pagsusumikap ko na punan iyon ay kulang pa rin. Because seeing how he's so happy just by talking about his dad, made me question if I really raised him right. Hindi ko naman ginustong ipagkait sa kaniya. I even fought for it. But fate is against it.

"Rizalde..." tawag ko nang marahan sa aking anak.

My son slowly looked at me. His smile instantly dropped and his head became low.

"Mommy..."

"Uwi na tayo?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"Can daddy come with us?"

Ngumiti ako, "Of course, he can come."

I swallowed my pride just to make my son happy. Hindi ko gusto, pero dahil gusto niya ay wala akong magagawa. And who am I to take away his right to have a father? Sino ba ako para tumutol sa kasiyahan nilang mag-ama?

"Really? You heard that dad?!"

"Yes, buddy!"

I looked at Reje's eyes and I tried to decipher what range of emotions he's feeling, and I sensed happiness. Parang musika sa aking tenga ang kaniyang halakhak.

"Thank you," he mouthed as he hugged my son.

Tahimik kaming naglakad pauwi. I'm just a foot away from Reje. He is carrying Rizalde on his arms whose hands are wrapped around his neck. Umpisa pa lang ito pero nahuhuniha ko nang hindi na sila mapaghihiwalay.

Binuksan ko ang trangkahan ng aming bahay. Reje entered and placed Rizalde on the floor. Agad namang nagtatakbo ang aking anak papasok sa kaniyang kwarto dahilan para maiwan kaming dalawa ni Reje sa dito sa sala.

"Uhm, meryenda?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

"Sure," he said and sat on one of our bamboo sofas.

Tumango ako at dumiretso ng kusina. Sinilip ko muna si Rizalde sa kaniyang kwarto para alamin kung ano ang kaniyang ginagawa. At nakita ko siyang inilalabas ang kaniyang mga laruan para siguro'y makipaglaro sa kaniyang ama.

Muli akong kinain ng konsensya at awa sa aking anak. If only I was wise before, he may not have experienced this.

Habang naghahanda ako ng meryenda ay rinig ko ang halakhakan ng mag-ama. Me and Reje, we haven't really talked since last night. No'ng dinala niya ako sa kaniyang condo ay ang anak ko lang ang aking inatupag. I didn't give him a chance to talk to me or start a conversation with me. Kung gusto niyang bumawi sa lahat ng taon na nasayang ay sa anak ko na lang. He doesn't need to apologize to me anymore, nor to ask for my forgiveness, because we're both wrong in the first place.

Nang matapos akong maghanda ng simpleng egg sandwich ay binalikan ko sila sa sala. I guess my son is not too old to play with toy cars when it's like he's playing like a three year old again, beaming with happiness as he tried to race his toy with his dad.

"Kumain muna kayo," singit ko sa paglalaro nila.

"Mom, have you seen my dad's car? There are too many!"

Natatawang umiling ako sa pagkasabik ng aking anak.

"Really? Tell me more about his cars," saad ko habang inaabutan siya ng tinapay. Kinuha naman niya iyon kaya masaya akong umupo sa kaniyang tabi habang nakikinig sa kaniyang mga sinasabi.

From my side, I heard how Reje cleared his throat, earning my attention.

"Gusto mo ng tubig?" tanong ko sa kaniya.

I'm acting civilly as much as possible. Gusto ko na lang kasing makalimot. Hindi ko na gustong ibaon pa ang aking sarili sa nakaraan. That would be a continuous torture and in the end, ako lang din ang mahihirapan.

Kukunin ko na dapat ang pitsel na may lamang tubig ng pigilan niya ako,

"Ako na. I can handle it. But you might want to hand me the sandwich,"

My forehead creased. Abot niya lang naman 'yung sandwich, bakit kailangan niya pang ipasuyo sa'kin? Kung tutuusin ay mas malayo pa nga itong pitsel.

Nagkabit-balikat ako at sinunod na lang ang kaniyang gusto. After they're done eating, they continue on playing. Habang ako naman pinapanood lang sila.

While watching them, I can't help but to think of the Math and Science Festival and the threat of the department chair. Tatlong araw na lang ay gaganapin na iyon, does that mean I also only have three days to enjoy this life?

Napabuntong hininga ako at mukhang narinig iyon ni Reje kaya napalingon siya sa akin.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"Wala naman," I said.

"Maiwan ko muna kayo, magpapahinga lang ako sa kwarto," paalam ko.

I didn't wait for Reje's approval and just went to my room. Hanggang ngayon ay palaisipan pa rin sa akin kung bakit siya biglang nagpakita sa'min ng anak ko. At kahit siguro sa mga susunod na araw ay magiging palaisipan pa rin kung bakit sa hinaba-haba ng mga araw na lumipas, bakit ngayon lang siya nagkainteres sa aming mag-ina?

Of course, there's a part in me that wants to listen. Pero nananaig sa akin ang kagustuhang manahimik na lang. I'm afraid to know his reasons, his side, because it scares me that once I do, I'll end up crawling back to him.

Dahil sa pag-iisip at marahil dahil na rin sa pagod ay hindi ko namalayang napaidlip na pala ako. I woke up and instantly went out of my room to search for my son. Napahinga ako ng magaan nang makitang payapa itong natutulog sa loob ng kaniyang kwarto.

I left his room and went straight to the kitchen. Luminga-linga ako, nagbabakasakaling makita si Reje.

Umalis na ba siya?

Why didn't he wake me up?

Nagsalin ako ng tubig sa baso mula sa pitsel at ininom iyon habang naglalakad papuntang sala. All of Rizalde's toys are put into one place. Malinis din ang center table, walang bakas ng pagkain o kaya mga plato roon.

Naglinis ba si Reje?

I shrugged my shoulders and sat on the bamboo sofa. Tahimik akong nagpatuloy sa pag-inom ng tubig habang iniisip pa rin ang paparating kong problema. I sighed because I'm feeling trapped again. Scared and helpless.

Dumungaw ako sa bintana at nakitang madilim na ang paligid. Malamig ang simoy ng hangin kaya naman imbis na bumalik sa kwarto ay nag pasya akong tumambay muna saglit. I was enjoying my alone time when I saw Reje talking to someone very familiar to me.

"Kuya Nono?" I asked myself, thinking really hard if what I'm seeing is right. Si kuya Nono ay isa sa mga katiwala ko na nagbabantay ng isa kong negosyo sa Catbalogan.

Dahan-dahan akong umalis sa may binatana at nagtungo sa pinto para mas mapalapit sa kanila. They are talking really low which makes it difficult for me to hear what they're saying. Kaya naman mas lumapit pa ako sa kanila.

"Sabi sa'kin no'ng tropa kong gwardya maaga pa lang daw pumasok na si ma'am sa eskwelahan tapos dumiretso sa opisina no'ng department chair. Hindi na alam no'ng tropa kong gwardya kung anong pinag-usapan sa loob pero sabi no'ng taga linis na nakakita ng paglabas ni ma'am ay namumutla raw ito,"

Nakita ko ang pagtango ni Reje,

"Then what? Did she cry?"

"Boss naman tagalog na lang!" kumakamot sa ulo na reklamo ni kuya Nono.

"Umiyak ba siya?"

"Hindi naman boss pero tulala raw, e. Hanggang matapos ang klase,"

I couldn't believe what I'm hearing! My worker called Reje his boss. Reje and kuya Nono talking about me. Them talking like they've known each other for years...W-what?! Binibiro na naman ba ako ng panahon?

"Good. Ipagpatuloy ni'yo lang po ang pagmamasid sa kaniya. Sabihan ni'yo po agad ako kung may masamang nangyari o kung nilalapitan siya no'ng department chair,"

"Sige, boss! Ikaw pa, malakas ka sa'kin, e."

Nagpaalam si kuya Nono kay Reje na aalis na. I hurriedly went back inside the house just before Reje could turn and bust me.

Hindi ko alam kung anong magiging reaksyon sa mga narinig. What the hell is happening?!

Agad kong nilock ang pinto at dali-daling lumayo roon ng bahagya. It didn't take minutes before I heard knocking.

"Sofia? Are you there?" tanong ni Reje mula sa labas.

I don't know if I should answer him or to even face him. Parang hindi ko kaya.

I gulped.

Paano niya nakilala si kuya Nono? Why would they talk about me? How long have they known each other?

"I know you saw us," Reje said, which made me jump on my feet.

"Open the door so we could talk,"

Hindi ako gumalaw sa aking pwesto. May pakiramdam ako na sa oras na makinig ako sa kaniya ay magbabago ang tingin ko sa sarili ko. And I don't know how that would make me feel. Me, being clueless of my own self.

"Sofia..." tawag niyang muli sa aking pangalan.

Oh, how I despised that name!

Sa mabibigat na hakbang ay tinawid ko ang distansya namin ng pinto. As I worked to unlock the door, I made sure my eyes were tightly closed. When I opened it, I found Reje staring at me with a stony expression, yet I could still detect a trace of nervousness emanating from his aura.

Nahagip ko ang aking paghinga,

Nakatayo lang ako habang inaantay siyang magsalita. Ang mga mata namin ay wari'y binabasa ang nasa isip ng bawat isa.

As I look into his eyes seconds by second, the longer I realize that he has sinned, and so I do. Simula no'ng bata pa kami, he was never a saint. But I've mistaken him for one just because of his innocent face. But I'm wiser now. He's not the same person I try to depict him to be when we were younger.

They said you are truly loving a person when you still love him despite his despites.

I did that when I was young. Yet, have you seen where it has led me?

Love for someone of the other gender or having a lifelong partner is something that, for me in general, is merely a sensation that I do not consider as a sine qua non.

Affection fools and imprisons many. It charmed many people, including me.

I have no desire to repeat that. No more fooling around. Done being stupid.

So, for whatever reason he may have acted that way. Nothing would alter because of that. I've had enough of being an idiot, so there.

It's ironic, because I resisted acceptance for a very long time. Funny why I've only just begun to understand.

That Reje and I...

We're a hopeless case.

A case that is not even worth to digest.

;

XXXIIII