Question

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I don't know why but every time I let myself get close to him, the more I sense that I'm putting myself more into danger.

Napansin ko na, na sa tuwing malapit siya ay tyaka naman dadapo sa akin ang malas.

Katulad ng nangyayari ngayon,

We were perfectly fine kahit kami lang dalawa ng anak ko. As I've said may negosyo ako, may marangal na trabaho, mahal ko ang ginagawa ko...and then suddenly, everything is falling into pieces. At the exact timing when Reje entered the picture.

"B-bakit ni'yo ako pinag-uusapan?" tanong ko sa kaniya. Mahigpit ang aking hawak sa pinto na para bang iyon ang pinagkukunan ko ng lakas.

Reje tried to advance but I was quick to block him with my hands.

"Diyan ka lang!" I yelled, catching breath.

"Bakit ni'yo ako pinaguusapan?! Why do you know each other?"

Pinilit kong tapangan ang sarili. Hinahanda sa kung ano man ang kaniyang sasabihin.

"He's one of my men,"

"A-anong sinasabi mo?"

"Kuya Nono is one of my guards,"

"Then why is he working for m-me?"

"Because I ordered him to do that,"

"W-why?!"

Gustong-gusto nang bumigay ng aking tuhod. Kuya Nono has been with us ever since Rizalde turned two. Siya ang kauna-unahan kong tauhan. I gave him my trust, but who owns his loyalty?

"Answer me!"

Tinawid ko ang distansya namin ni Reje at paunti-unting pinaulanan ng suntok ang kaniyang dibdib. If kuya Nono is one of his men, and he's been working for me for more than six years, does that mean Reje knows where we are all this time? And he's been watching us?!

Gigil na gigil kong hinampas ang kaniyang dibdib. Reje stopped my fist mid-air and brought it into his lips. Hinalikan niya iyon habang nakapikit nang mariin.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

Pinaulanan niya ng halik ang aking kamao na para bang sinusuyo ako. His face is slightly a bit red. Umabot ang pula mula sa kaniyang tenga hanggang leeg.

"Kuya Nono was once my father's trusted man. Pero lumipat siya sa'kin dahil gusto niya akong tulungan. He saw me devastated, and he helped me save myself."

"B-but why? Why did you have to do that? Why would you watch us?"

"Because I couldn't. So I let someone watch over you for me. It was too painful to think that all I could do was to send someone over, and never physically be there for the both of you..."

His voice was etched with pain. And I could feel it too...

"For how long have you been watching us?"

"Ever since you turned your back on me,"

I gasped.

Hindi ko na alam kung paanong pagpapalakas sa sarili ang gagawin. Does that mean he knows everything that happened between us and my son? Including my sickness?

"Yes," he answered as if reading mind.

Nanginig ang aking tuhod at tila anumang oras ay bibigay ako. If he's been watching us, he definitely saw me struggle.

Merong mga pangyayari sa buhay ko na hindi ko maipaliwanag kung bakit nangyayari. Katulad na lang ng bigla kong pag angat sa buhay. Did he do something just to make life easier for me?

"No. No, don't ever think that way. Kung ano man ang naabot mo, 'yon ay dahil nagsikap ka. You deserve all the riches in the world. You're my sunshine..."

My eyes automatically fluttered close when he grabbed my waist and buried my face on his chest. Hinaplos niya ang aking buhok ng dahan-dahan. Like he wants to calm me down as he narrates his side of the story.

"I never wanted to marry Sofia Marie...I never wanted you to witness that, and to see you cry as you turned your back on me as if that was your last time facing me,"

Ipinatong ni Reje ang kaniyang baba sa tuktok ng aking ulo. I tried to break free from his hold but he only tightened his hug on me.

"Listen to me please..." aniya, paos na paos at nanghihina.

Nagmistulang gulaman ang aking mga tuhod. I couldn't stand properly, I couldn't support my own weight.

Reje lifted me up by my bum. Kusa namang pumulupot ang aking mga binti sa kaniyang bewang. He even put his hand on my leg while carrying me to guide my legs to properly make sure it is clinging on his waist. And I gasped because of our close proximity when he entered the house and sat on one of the bamboo sofas.

Magkadikit na magkadikit kami.

He angled his face just so I could place mine on the crook of his neck. Hindi naman ako nagatubiling gawin iyon.

I craved his touch. I craved his comfort. Mula noon hanggang ngayon. Pero alam kong hindi na namin mababalik ang dati. May lamat na ang kung ano mang pinagsamahan namin. We were not the young Sofia Grace and Reje who would cuddle under the moonlight anymore. We've matured...we've grown apart.

Mas naisubsob ko ang mukha sa kaniyang leeg nang magsimula siyang magkwento.

"All the gossip that Sofia Marie and I are together is not true. I didn't bother to correct it because I know that's what my father and Sir Bong wanted to hear. Bata pa lang kami ay ipinipilit na kami sa isa't-isa,"

"I was so sure that I would end up with Sofia Marie. That I will marry her and build a family with her, just like what my dad wanted. But then...you came,"

Dahan-dahang inalis ni Reje ang aking mukha sa pagkakasubsob sa kaniyang leeg. He came into contact with my pitch-black orbs. His entire palm was on my face—no, his hand was grabbing my nape, warming my ears, and holding my cheek. It's like he's caging my face so he can easily capture my eyes.

I tried to angle my face and shift my gaze, but he still won on catching my sight. And when he laid his eyes on me...I got lost.

Walang-wala ako sa sarili habang sinusubukang basahin kung ano ang tumatakbo sa kaniyang utak. Gustong-gusto kong malaman kung anong iniisip niya ngayon habang sinusuri ako. At habang hinahaplos ng kaniyang hinlalaki ang aking pisngi.

"I always wanted to look at you. I wanted to comfort you. I would always look for your warmth, and would get angry every time you cry..."

"Gusto kong lagi akong nasa tabi mo tuwing umiiyak ka at tuwing tumatawa. I live watching you sleep while looking so small in my arms. I love how you inhale my scent, look at me with glittering eyes, convey wisdom with your tongue, and so many more traits that made me feel alive, that made me crave for more..."

Reje whispered his confession while giving me small-butterfly kisses. Napapikit na lamang ako sa tindi ng nararamdaman. I could feel this hollowing sensation that's digging something in my stomach. Kahit anong pigil ko ay patuloy itong naghuhukay hanggang sa lumalim nang lumalim.

"Trust me, I didn't believe that you're a criminal. I know you can't do that, you're kind, and soft, and sweet, you didn't deserve that cruel world,"

I closed my eyes while feeling Reje's breath slightly fanning my face. Dinaramdam ko lahat ng kaniyang sinasabi, itinatanim ko sa puso't-isip na para bang sa mga salita niya ako maliliwanagan. But no matter how much I tried to absorb what he said, it still didn't erase the fact that between us...I suffered the most.

Nagdusa ako kahit nag mahal lang naman ako.

And if his love would just bring suffering, then I have no interest in having it.

I didn't respond to what Reje had confessed. I don't think I can handle more. Wala pa ako sa sitwasyon kung saan gusto kong malaman ang lahat-lahat.

Kagaya nga ng sabi ko, hindi na mababago ng mga eksplenasyon ang nangyari na. At kahit i-kwinento niya kung ano ang kaniyang parte ng storya, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang magtanim ng sama ng loob.

Because he could've do something rather just leave me alone, clueless and overthinking of what he is doing. He could've informed me that this is what he's battling with rather than to not show.

Ilang sandali pa ay mas niyapos ako ni Reje. Tila ay para siyang natatakot na mawawala ako sa kaniya anumang oras.

Kahit gusto ko pang damhin ang init ng kaniyang bisig sa aking katawan ay ako na mismo ang kumalas dahil ayaw kong masanay muli sa kaniyang presensya.

"About Rizalde, you can...visit him any time. Hindi kita pagbabawalan sa kaniya. I think we will be excellent in co-parenting," sabi ko habang tinitingala siya.

Reje's eyes turned darker than usual. Pero saglit lang iyon dahil bigla naman itong napalitan ng hindi maipaliwanag na emosyon. I couldn't read him anymore when he released a deep sigh.

"Is that what you want?" he said, his voice so deep it gave me chills.

"Y-yes," sabi ko, bigla pang nautal.

"Alright, if that's what you want."

Bigla ay nawalan ako ng sasabihin. Bumukas-sara ang aking bibig ngunit walang kahit isang salita na gustong lumabas.

I tried to avoid his gaze again and finally decided to get off his lap. Ngunit mas hinapit niya lang ako papunta sa kaniya, at hindi hinayaang makatakas muli.

I looked up to him again, gathering all my courage to ask him this question.

"How about you? W-what do you want?"

Natulos ako sa aking pwesto nang dahan-dahang ilapit ni Reje ang kaniyang mukha sa akin.

He let the tip of his nose touch mine and slightly rub it together. Maya-maya pa ay naglakbay naman ang tungki ng kaniyang ilong patungo sa aking pisngi, he inhaled my cheek as if it has the most fragrant smell. Hinawakan niya rin ang aking baba at marahan iyong pinisil, marahan pero nanggigigil.

"You know what I want,"

Umiling ako,

"No, I don't have any idea. Tell me..." I uttered, slightly catching my breath as I anticipated what he would do next.

Reje's nose has now traveled into my neck. Taas-baba niyang pinadaan ang tungki ng kaniyang ilong sa kahabaan ng aking leeg. And I limped under his touch while he's doing that.

I instantly became defenseless. Hinang-hina at mas mapaghanap.

Hindi ko na namalayan kung ano pa ang sumunod na nangyari. I got instantly drowsy and the next moment I know, is when he laid me to bed. But not for romance, it was because I'm sleepy and he wanted to tuck me to bed.

"What do you want?" antok na antok kong tanong sa kaniya. Sobrang bigat ng aking mata maarahil na rin siguro sa sunod-sunod na pagluha. Plus, my brain is so tired trying to think of a possible solution to my current problem.

Hinuli ko ang kaniyang palapulsuhan no'ng akma na siyang aalis. I tried to fight off the sleep but I didn't win. Nagising na lamang ako kinabukasan na meron ng agahan na nakahain sa lamesa. At 'yong mag–ama ko naman ay masayang nagtatawanan sa sala.

Mag-ama?

That was so embarrassing to think. Yet, at the same time, very fulfilling.

Napuno ang buong kabahayan ng masayang halakhak ni Reje at Rizalde.

Oh, how I wish we can easily transition to something like this. Pero ang hirap pa rin para sa akin. Ang hirap magpatawad. Ang hirap magbukas ng pintuan.

I did my usual routine and went to work. Bahagya pa akong nailang sa guard nang batiin niya ako. Hindi ko nagawang batiin siya pabalik pagkatapos ng mga nalaman ko kay Reje. Pakiramdam ko rin ay bawat galaw ko, may nakatingin sa akin.

I sighed.

Gano'n pa rin tahimik pa rin naman akong nakakapagturo. Though, I don't know how long it will last.

Hindi ko rin masyadong napansin na unti-unti ko na rin palang dini-distansya ang aking sarili sa mga kapwa ko guro. At kahit ang aking mga estudyante ay apektado rin.

I became anxious as the Math and Science event got closer. Hindi ko ata magawang ikundisyon ang aking sarili sa kung ano man ang mangyayari. I know I handled much worse situations before. Ngunit iba ngayon.

The people here in Pagsanghan, I treasured them. They've been good to me and it was me who has been bad since the very beginning. Kaya alam kong lubusan akong masasaktan kung kamumuhian man nila ako. I am well aware that I am deserving of this, yet part of me wishes that I were not.

Mabilis na lumipas ang mga araw. The next thing I know, it was already the event.

"Gagalingan mo, a?" paalala ko sa aking anak habang inaayusan siya.

I fixed his shirt a bit and was about to fix his hair but he escaped. Kinuha niya ang sukaly mula sa aking kamay at inabot iyon kay Reje.

"I want my dad to do it!" he said, high-pitched.

Natatawang napailing-iling na lamang ako sa inasta ng aking anak. He's been like that, very hyper, always smiling, and always bragging about his dad. Kahapon nga lang ay nagreklamo ako sa kaniya na nagseselos na ko. Rizalde tried his best just to make me feel secure but whenever Reje was around, he would forget about me easily.

Pinanood ko kung paano agawin ni Reje ang suklay sa kamay Rizalde. Matangkad ang anak ko at kung minsan ay nahihirapan pa akong abutin ito ngunit maning-mani siyang inabot ng kaniyang ama. Well, Rizalde is still way too small for his dad. And I eagerly anticipate the day when they are of comparable stature.

Masaya ko silang tinalikuran at kinuha na ang mga gamit namin na dadalhin mamaya sa kompetisyon. My son is partnered with his adorable classmate, Mary Sophia.

Nakakatawa, talagang hinahabol-habol ako ng pangalang ayoko nang marinig o kaya sambitin man lang.

Nang matapos ayusan si Rizalde ay dumiretso na kami sa eskwelahan. Naghanap agad kami ng pwesto sa backstage at ipinagkatiwala ko na sa homeroom teacher nila ang gagawin.

I went out backstage together with Reje. Full support kami sa aming anak na lalaban para masungkit ang titulo na Mr. Math and Science. Naka-couple shirt pa kami ni Reje na may nakadikit na picture ni Rizalde.

"Are you happy?" Reje suddenly asked me, we're in the pool of audiences so I was slightly unable to hear him. Luckily, I was able to decipher what he said with the movements of his lips.

"Yes, I am..."

"I'm glad," he said while looking at me smiling.

Sandali akong napatitig sa kaniya. Natutulala sa ganda ng kaniyang ngiti.

Hindi ko alam kung anong meron pero parang mas gwumapo sa aking paningin si Reje.

"Ladies and Gentleman, let's all welcome...our Math and Science candidates!"

Naputol lang ang pagtititigan namin ni Reje nang magsimula na ang program. Nakaupo kami sa bleachers at mula rito ay kitang-kita namin kung ano na ang nangyayari sa stage.

Sabay kaming tumayo at sumigaw ni Reje no'ng lumabas ang aking anak. The cheers were loud and I didn't expect that my son would have this many fans.

Halos mawalan ako ng boses kasisigaw sa pangalan ni Rizalde. Hindi ako pumayag na ang sigaw ng mga fans niya ang maririnig, I want my son to hear my voice too! Kailangan marinig niya kung gaano ako ka-proud sa kaniya.

I heard Reje's laughter from my side. Hindi ko siya pinansin no'ng ipulupot niya ang kaniyang matitigas na braso sa aking bewang. He's back hugging me, yet instead of feeling uncomfortable, I felt the opposite.

Dumating and Question and Answer portion. Tahimik lahat ang audience at pumapalakpak lang sila sa tuwing napapa-bilib sila sa sagot ng mga kalahok. I wasn't nervous when it was Rizalde's turn to answer. Alam kong kayang-kaya niyang sagutin ang kung ano man ang itatanong sa kaniya. The only time where I felt nervous was when the paper that was supposed to contain the original questions for the candidates was replaced.

"Oh wow, mukhang may special question na nakahanda para sa ating Mr. Popular. Kabila-kabila ang nagchi-cheer!" naghiyawan ang mga tao sa sinabi ng emcee.

"How do you feel so far, Candidate number 5?"

"I'm feeling good, especially that my mom and dad are here to support me," Rizalde said, which made me teary-eyed. I mouthed I love you to him when he looked our way.

"Ang good boy naman ng ating Candidate! Mapagmahal sa kaniyang pamilya. So, are you ready for your question?"

"Yes," my son confidently answered.

Binuksan ng emcee ang papel at nagsimulang basahin iyon,

"We all know that Mother Nature is a woman. Based on the current situation today, where mother nature has suffered enough because of a man, and applying it in real life, who do you think has suffered the most? Is it a man or a woman? Explain why."

Binigay ng emcee ang mic kay Rizalde,

"Personally, I don't think one suffered more than the other. Suffering does not know any gender, and it depends on how one would define suffering. If a woman had suffered the most more than men, then why are we hurting? I know because I'm a man and vice versa. Not because a woman cried a lot and a man didn't doesn't mean the man isn't hurting. We all have different definitions of suffering. That's why we should not conclude, judge, or mistake the personality of others just because of how he or she looks or acts. We should not be biased and we should always be kind."

Isa ako sa pinaka-malakas ang palakpak at hiyaw nang matapos sa pagsasalita ang aking anak. I even heard Reje also screaming and cheering for his son when he heard how matured he answered.

"You raised him well," Reje tenderly whispered.

"Thank you," I mouthed, already shedding tears.

"Oh, wow! Mukhang hindi pa tapos ang question and answer mo Candidate 5 dahil may gustong itanong sa'yo si Chair!"

Nawalan ng kulay ang aking mukha nang makita kung paano umakyat ang department chair sa stage. The emcee gave him the mic.

"Good evening, everyone!" nagpalakpakan ang mga manonood.

"There are two things I want to ask this child. The first thing is, Candidate number 5, do you forgive easily? Yes or No?" he asked.

"It depends," my son answered.

"That's a very safe answer. But let's see if that would still be your answer once you know everything,"

Nanlambot ang aking tuhod nang lumabas ang aking mukha sa napalaking projector. It was my face before, skinny and bones.

Pinalabas sa screen kung paano ako posasan at kung paano ako magwala habang nagpupumilit na lumabas ng presinto. I didn't even know that I was being filmed at that time. I look...miserable, terribly going insane.

Rinig na rinig ko ang singhapan ng mga manonood. They easily found me despite how dark it is in my position. Pabalik-balik ang tingin nila mula sa screen papunta sa akin.

"What's happening?" rinig kong tanong ni Reje, ang kaniyang tinig ay nababahiran ng galit.

I closed my eyes tight. I know this will eventually happen, but I'm not yet prepared for this. I will never be prepared for this.

"Tell me, what's happening?" rinig kong tanong ulit ni Reje. However, I couldn't answer him nor give him attention. My eyes are just focused on my son, I want to know his reaction, I want to watch how he would feel when he sees the old me.

Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib nang ipalabas sa projector 'yong pangyayari kung saan ay pinapaliguan ako ng aking kapwa preso. I was naked, and my tummy is already swelling with Rizalde.

"Fuck!" mura ni Reje.

I instantly felt the coldness of the night when he left my side. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya pupunta.

I am scared.

I am reminded...of the past I keep trying to bury.

"Si Teacher Grace ay hindi isang mahinhin na babae katulad ng iniisip nating lahat. Niloko niya tayo. She is a criminal. Tumakas at dito mismo sa lugar natin nagtago. And guess what? Teacher Grace is not even a highschool graduate. She faked her documents and fooled all of us!" pagsasalita ni Chair sa mic.

Nagbulungan ang mga tao at unti-unti ay nilayuan ako. They formed a circle while disgustingly looking at me. Pina-gigitnaan nila ako, pinandidirihan. They appear to be in a state of shock, but at the same time, they have a look of betrayal on their face.

Sa gitna ng mga matang puno ng panghuhusga ay naramdaman ko ang paninitig ng aking anak. My eyes went to him and my heart broke more when I saw him already crying. Sa gilid ng aking mata ay nakita ko si Reje na nagmamadaling pumunta sa kaniya. He is shouting something to his guards, probably to do something.

"Now child, let me ask you again,"

Hindi ako makagalaw sa aking pwesto. It's as if my feet is glued to the ground as I watch a scene play live right in front of me.

Yumuko ang Department Chair sa lebel ng mukha ng anak ko. He wiped my son's tears before he finally asked his last question.

"Will you easily forgive your mom? After knowing that she has been convicted of a crime? Yes or No?"

;

XXXV