wow look at me, updating wattpad. next thing you know ill start writing a shitty fiction book that i never finish.

anyway. that was a joke if you couldn't tell. this is much more self indulgent than my last post - that was much more me going "holy shit i fucked up" and also like i felt like an awful person when i wrote that and im doing a lot better now. i just like to talk about myself lol. also i said things in my last post that are somehow already not relevant so im going to explain that.

first though. story time:

i started questioning my sexuality when i was about 10 or 11. i would lay in bed at night and just think "what if i like girls?". i was have always been very analytical so i didn't particularly think it was a bad thing, but i did think that i had to have experience to know how i identified. i specifically remember deciding that i would just kiss a girl and a boy when i got older and then i would know. i didn't like to think about it though, and every night it would end with me thinking "ok whatever just don't think about it" and after a while i stopped considering it at all - i would just be like "i'll figure it out later don't think about it" and then - surprise surprise - i stopped thinking about it. i had learned the fun skill of repression and denial. i actually fully forgot that i had ever questioned my sexuality for months at a time - it would pop up every now and then, but i would just repress it. i never confronted it until early 2018, when i finally went on wattpad and actually started seriously looking for a label. 

so if you were doing the math, that's 3 or 4 years of solid repression. it didn't apply only to my sexuality - once i learned to do it id do it to all kinds of things. an embarrassing moment? repress it. something exciting coming up? repress it (fun fact i rarely feel excited i trained it out). confused about something personal? repress it. my use of the label queer was really a form of repressing - i was confused and decided i just didn't want to think about it anymore. now i can barely remember anything and when things get hard or confusing my instinct is to repress it and deny it ever happened. and i grew up in an accepting environment!!! 

"wow", you might be saying. "ive always wondered these weird details about you that you've probably explained before but, and i say this kindly, what the fuck has it got to do with anything?" well my dear friend who talks exactly like the inside of my head when im being nice to myself i will explain. 

i got confused and scared and repressed my gender. i fully avoided thinking about my gender and when i went on my journey of labels and learned basically every single label i could i never looked at gender. i really wish i had because then i might have figured this out a lot sooner, but here we are. i started thinking that like "what if people called me they/them" a g e s ago - i might have had it on my wattpad at some point? i think i had "any pronouns" and maybe even "she/they" but i didn't think about it and eventually i changed it. then like 3 months ago i finally bothered to think about it and went "wow im nonbinary" and came out to? quite a few people? so anyway i felt a lot better identifying as nonbinary. i kept researching and eventually found the label agender and all that shit yay self acceptance oh wait here comes the self hate (id make a dan howell reference but honestly i don't remember how the line goes and im not going to look it up). 

this may come as a surprise to no one, but i don't like myself very much. we don't need to get into that (aka i refuse to be vulnerable haha that's healthy) but all that fun self acceptance was *scary*. plus if i really was nonbinary id have to come out and like,,, that's one of my least favorite things to do. i already sort of did that once it wasn't fun??? oh and also all the internalized enbyphobia (like transphobia or homophobia but towards nonbinary people). 

so i went through a fun couple weeks were i "stopped being nonbinary" (i repressed it) until like some youtuber did a fundraiser for the trevor project (an awesome lgbtq+ resource that has so much cool shit idk go look at their website) and i remembered this thing called trevorspace, which is kinda like reddit but for gay people. it's a place for lgbtq+ teens and young adults to connect and make friends and share experiences. i used to have an account like last year, but i stopped using it ages ago. so i decided that instead of just dealing with the inside of my head id go talk to some people who actually might be able to help. 

and guess what???? im dumb and i should have done that in the first place. 

so yeah!! ages of rambling later, we finally get to the literally only interesting part. my identify:

my name is jordan (middle name parker nickname jay just call me jay). im agender and i use they/them pronouns. im also pansexual because guess what the first fucking label i used when i was like 14 was correct all this time.