this is mainly bc i kinda feel like shit and i don't want to go to sleep while i feel shitty or ill feel shitty when i wake up and that never ends well. also apparently i use wattpad now idk lol. i have no plan or idea or anything abt what im going to write - as wack as these entries are i do actuslly plan them, to an extent. obviously not very well, but still. 

uhhhhhhhh im trying to not repress my emotions so does that mean i should talk abt them? that's. bleh. uhhhhh im feeling. shsjdhdjd? that's not an emotion but like oh well. its like 1 am and im pretty tired so im like,,,, kinda numb ig. and also writing these things puts me in a weird mood. like. bemused? does that mean what i think it does? 

"To cause to be mildly or wryly amused." 

yes it does. bemused with myself. i try to be funny in these things but like a) im very self-deprecating and b) im not very funny so like idk how well it comes off. honestly i have no idea how i come off online - i obviously write things with a certain emotion in mind but idk how it comes off. i said comes off way too many times in that paragraph let's not talk about it. 

im like. kinda getting into musical theater. mostly i watch versions of them that people post to youtube. is that shitty? i feel like it kinda is but like also. im never gonna see them live and even if i did i probably wouldn't a) remember it or b) enjoy it. i feel like i was definitely supposed to be a theater kid. ive *desperately* wanted to act since i was a little kid. it's one of the biggest reasons i wish i went to school. i actually avoided getting into theater for ages bc it makes me feel so shitty bc ill probably never rly be able to do it. even if i did have an opportunity i get horrible stage fright and id probably fuck it up. 

ok that's not helping me feel better lol. im going to stop this when my headphones die and ive got 20% left. i had 40% when i started this so. you might think "oh that means this is halfway done" but like probably not because i keep stopping to think of things to say. 

i can't tell if this makes me feel better bc it's almost like talking to someone or shitty bc it just makes me feel like im bothering people (which is why i didn't actually message anyone) (also because messaging people is scary). 

anddd my headphones died. im not gonna read this over bc editing is for losers and also if i do ill lose my nerve and not publish it at all and itll sit in my drafts and make me sad until i eventually delete it. definitely not saying that bc ive done that before. 

anyway night bye if you actually read all this bullshit nice job you get the prize of reading my shit writing ig.