"Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." – Unknown

Date: April 1st, 2017

Occasion:
April Fools' Day
All Fools' Day
Poisson d'Avril

Country: Worldwide

■ □ ■ □ ■ □ ■ □

I | Abby's Declassified Prank Survival Guide

Welcome, dear readers! I'm Abigail Gray, Abby for short, and it gives me great pleasure, along with five cappuccinos consumed within twelve hours, to introduce you to my own declassified prank survival guide!

Now, if you're expecting some sappy WikiHow tutorial with rainbows and unicorns and everyone being nice to each other like they were in middle school, you've come to the wrong place. Don't forget to push the door on your way out, because the last person who tried to pull ended up with a torn hamstring and two days in the emergency room.

However, if you're itching for some awesome pranks, then read onwards, brave knight.

Alright, let's cut to the chase. Ladies and gentlemen, it's come to my attention that April Fools has faded away in the hearts of many people today, and that's just not acceptable. To alleviate this shameful development, I've taken of my spare time and energy obtained from sugar rushes, to develop a list of ten prank ideas.

Was that announcement anticlimactic? Perhaps. In my defence, I only defined it as a guide because my parents were showing me re-runs of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide, and what can I say? I'm hooked.

Now, enough with the chit-chat. Let's get started. Cue dramatic music.

So, people say that April Fools' Day is all about fun, games, and joyful spirits, but come on, let's be honest with each other. It's actually one of the only days of the year that we have a legitimate reason to be a prick to our friends, family, and colleagues. This means that you have the chance to get back at that dickbiscuit who dumped you, or play a cheeky prank on your acquaintances. It goes so many ways, and I'm going to show you some prank ideas to make the most of it.

THE FIRST comes gift-wrapped in a pile of post-it notes. Classic, isn't it? Buy a dozen packs of those suckers, cover every surface of the victim's workspace that you can see, and voilà! They have the prettiest desk ever. Honestly, you're probably doing them a favour. It's simple but effective, and if you have loads of time to burn, give it a shot.

Now that I recall, my dad's friend once told me about a girl at his school who insulted his deceased father. Naturally, that turned his friend into a rampaging teenaged Godzilla. So, said friend decided to do the post-it note trick by covering the offender's car with exam papers, since that girl wasn't known for her stunning smarts. If that's not retribution at its finest, then I don't know what is.

THE SECOND? Oh, how funny you ask. In fact, I almost peed myself laughing at this one, which really isn't the best idea in this context. Anyhow, next time April Fools' comes around and you're feeling sneaky, try replacing every toilet roll you can find with a roll of duct tape. This is a mean one, but there's no denying that the horrified shouts when one realises that they have nothing to wipe with, are priceless.

If you're interested, I've actually tried this one and scared the living daylights out my boyfriend. He got me back by turning my hair a violent shade of pink for a week, but his expression made the price worth it.

THE THIRD is the sneakiest so far. Man, you're a total devil if you try this one. Also, your family's either going to be extremely confused or hate you for life.

Just a disclaimer in case you're one of those goody-two-shoes who can't stand to disobey their parents, or if you just need them to help you out with study because you have a physics test you need to cram for last minute and don't understand a thing about. If you're in the latter dilemma, which is most likely always, then I suppose you could just buy another bar of soap, but this prank is hilarious while it lasts.

What's the prank, my dears? Well, if you have some clear nail polish lying around, why don't you use it to paint an entire bar of soap and leave it out for your family? Make sure to use the cheap ones. It's not like April Fools' needs to cost more than five dollars. No sane person would spend more than a couple of bucks on cheap gags, unless they make money off of it, or they're a Kardashian-Jenner and actually have money to spare when it isn't being spent on plastic surgery. On another note, your family will go insane over the soap prank! I recommend hanging around and listening to their yells of frustration. It's an improvement over shower singing, at any rate.

THE FOURTH doesn't actually require much baking skill. Got an onion? You're halfway there. The only other ingredient is caramel, and it's not that difficult to make, pinky promise. Just head out to the grocery store to grab some sugar, vanilla extract, and corn syrup. Boil together and stir with a spoon while aimlessly scrolling through Tumblr using the other hand. Boom, caramel. Just don't burn yourself doing this. Third degree burns put a damper on the occasion.

So, I'm assuming you've heard of toffee apples. If not, then what have you been doing with your life, you savoury peasant? Now, back to the point. If you have a sweet-toothed friend who you know can't resist those sugary bites of apple delight, then stink up their day with something less sweet and way more pungent. That's right, give them a toffee onion! It's the same concept as a toffee apple. The bonus is that it's able to ward off hordes of vampires for weeks. What's not to like?

THE FIFTH is pretty subtle – until you hear it. Now you're spooked, aren't you? You're going to need to earplugs for this one. So, have any of you read Paper Towns by John Green, by any chance? Remember that scene when Margo and Quentin go out in the middle of the night and buy a whole bunch of random bits and bobs? Alright, now zoom in on the airhorn. Scared yet? You should be.

Now let's make use of that duct tape from the toilet paper roll prank. See? We're double-dipping here! Saving money like a boss. Or not, in my boss's case. He's useless, but that's besides the point. What I mean is that duct tape is such a multipurpose item. I sometimes tape it over my boyfriend's mouth, since he's just one of those people who doesn't know when to keep his piehole shut. Anyway, the prank. So, use the tape to attach an airhorn to the seat. Preferably an office chair, where you can stick it to the neck between the chair itself and the wheels at the bottom. If it doesn't have wheels, shame on you. Wheels are cool.

Now sneak over to a place near them, stay within earshot when they sit down – which isn't difficult, because airhorns can be heard from halfway across the globe – and let the fun begin. I personally recommend doing this to someone who hates loud noises.

Oh yes, I'm pretty acquainted with Satan. Thanks for asking.

THE SIXTH involves mayonnaise. Scared? You should be. Love donuts? You're going to be tempted to reach through your screen and slap me repeatedly for this one. It's fairly simple, but effective and a disgrace to the pastry industry. Alright, so get some donuts from wherever. Dunkin', a grocery store near you, donut worry too much about it.

Step two, grab a piping bag. Don't have one? Don't fret, just grab a plastic sandwich bag or something. Fill it with mayo. Maybe lite or fat-free if you're feeling particularly generous towards the victim's health and state of their liver. If you're using a plastic baggie, cut a small hole in the corner and fill that donut with some jelly. Wink wink, nudge nudge.

Now offer it to whomever you like, and watch them gag and spent the next three hours scrubbing their tongue at the nearest sink. Unless the person really loves mayo. Maybe don't try this with your mayo-loving friends, unless you want to be a saint and get into those friends' good books forever and ever.

THE SEVENTH involves lube. Yeah, I said it, but it's not really what you think, though that also depends on how dirty your mind is. You know what? Let's just get on with it. Now look, I understand, on a spiritual level, how weird it is to walk up to a cashier with a bottle of lube. Fight through the embarrassment, okay? Because the end product is worth it.

Even though it seems as though cashiers are always judging you, they're not. You might get a double take, but the person behind the counter is probably wondering what they'll do when they get home. Who knows, they may be using lube for other purposes, if you know what I mean. Seriously, you could walk past them with a stick of dynamite and they wouldn't bat an eye. Not like I'm encouraging it though. Don't take that the wrong way. That's a recipe for destructive disaster.

Besides, I doubt the average Target or Walmart actually sells dynamite. If your local one does, then you may have just uncovered a top secret military base. Change your name to Geronimo, dye your hair electric blue, and leave the country as soon as possible.

Anyway, got your lube? Got an empty bottle of hand sanitiser or hand wash? Perfecto. Go ahead and fill that bottle up to the rim with lube. Then proceed to watch your friends and family members be very confused, and if they work out what it is, very disgusted. If you'd prefer to use something less adult-y, try clear glue and watch the sticky magic unfold.

THE EIGHTH can actually be dangerous for the victim, so don't try this unless you know they won't be driving anywhere where accidents could happen, okay? So, remember in kindergarten or primary school, when you ate chocolate chip cookies and finger painted and coloured stuff with crayons and had the time of your life? Well, let's hope you still have some of those crayons laying around.

If not, go out and buy the most colourful pack of crayons you can find. I recommend the thick ones that transfer to surfaces smoothly, though they may be more expensive than the average type. Arrange the crayons in whichever order you like and press them firmly into the victim's windshield wiper. Then watch them gasp with joy or horror when they turn them on.

I'll admit, I've tried this one and it's beautiful. I like pretty things, okay? Sue me.

No actually, please don't. I'm way too lazy to file a lawsuit and our family lawyer's off doing rounds of vodka shots in Berlin.

THE NINTH is a classic prank call. I just had to throw one in there. This one can go so many ways that I might as well just give you a few options to choose from and you can go from there, alright? Some are malicious, some adorable, and some just plain weird.

The first one is a cutie patootie. Dial someplace random. I suggest an ice cream store, an optometrist, or a ski lodge, but it's totally up to you. Once someone answers, act dramatic and demand why the person on the line hung up on you. Pretending to cry will make it more convincing, but keep it realistic. People who tried this have reported that those on the other end of the line usually reassure them that they're beautiful and deserve much better than the person who hung up on them. That one actually gives me hope for humanity.

The second one? Way more audacious, but with tons more hilarity involved. Go ahead and dial someone random. Ready? Steady? Alright, now ask the person to confirm your order for strippers at your bachelor party. I guarantee much confusion and loads of awkward stuttering.

The third one is my personal favourite. Dial the number of someone who's obsessed with some kind of band or show or actor or whatever, and inform them in your best announcer voice that they've won an opportunity to meet them. Now listen to the person on the other end drop the phone, actually faint, or run around screaming nonsense for hours. It's cruel, I know, but such great fun, don't you think? No? Just me? Wow, you guys are such party poopers.

THE TENTH is one of the simplest yet most effective pranks in the April Fools' hall of fame, right alongside the airhorn one. Know anyone who uses a hair dryer frequently? Now imagine how they'd react if air wasn't the only thing that came out of it. Would their reaction leave you in stitches? Then you'll get up to loads of mischief with this one.

Just go ahead and grab some baby powder, flour, or basically any white powdery substance, and fill the hairdryer with it. I recommend being very cautious while doing this. We don't want any electrocution business going on around here, do we? Okay, now position a camera somewhere near the victim and watch them scream and splutter. What a perfect way to end April Fools' day.

Oh wait, was that the tenth one? Well then, I guess my job here is done.

Right, so I told you that this article would get pretty vengeful, didn't I? Don't worry, it's all in good humour. Anyhow, April Fools' Day is about spreading the cheer and infusing a little cheeky fun into our otherwise monotonous lives. It's to coax a laugh from others, brighten moods. It's to celebrate the sunshine that we so often smother with storm clouds.

However, April Fools' has been losing its gusto for quite some time now, especially for those over the age of ten, who seem to have forgotten about it entirely, you old grumps. Just kidding. Well, about the grump part at least, because let's face it, we're all eighty year old women living alone with cats, at heart.

The moral of the story is to make April Fools' Day as amazing as it can be. Next time you prank someone, I suggest you try one of my ideas. After all, how many opportunities do you have to ask for strippers?