A Reilin-focused Soulmates AU with a side-pairing of Shanbeke (vaguely brief) and Conbeke (currently angsty).

All The Things I Didn't Want To Lose (Pt. 1)

When Rollan first learned about soulmates, his mother sat him down during a rainy night.

At that time, he was 6. The walls of the rickety house creaked and groaned from the howling winds and the thunderstorms. Rollan shivered from where he huddled by his mother's side, less so from the cold and more in fear.

The sickness that seemed to hug his mother during that time was particularly worse that night. It was a constant, chronic coughing that always seemed to come and go.

"My heart," Ma calls out to him, voice raspy from coughing but warm with love all the same. "Do you see the words on my arm?"

He does, of course.

It was hard to miss the almost-faded, small, gray words on Ma's arm. He had always seen it but he hesitated to ask, especially when she'd always been hesitant to talk about it, constantly covering it up and dodging his initial questions.

Here take this.

The words were unassuming. It didn't quite make sense why Ma would have it tattooed on her arm.

"When you turn 10, Rollan, you will see words marked on your arm just like mine. Only, they'll be different words," Ma explains to him. "These are the words your soulmate would say. The very words you'll hear at the exact moment you fall in love."

Rollan screws his face. "Fall in love?"

Ma let's out a chuckle. "At least, that's what happened to me. I met your father on a rainy day like this one. These were the first words he said to me as he gave me an umbrella and I knew right then and there... that I found my soulmate."

A confused frown still sits on his lips. "What's a soulmate? You keep saying that word."

"Well, they can become many things. Your life partner or your greatest friend. The one person who understands you most or a person who impacts you greatly at one point in your life and not for the rest." Ma's smile dims slightly at that but she still smiles. "Either way, a soulmate is your other half and they're out there, somewhere in this world, waiting for you to meet them."

— — —

Rollan was 8 when he learned the true cause of his Ma's sickness.

It was a permanent pain that came from losing a soulmate. Chronic coughing that came around during the rainy seasons, that seemed unstoppable during important dates (like the first time they met, and the day his father died).

He was 8 when he saw that no amount of coughing medicine (no matter how many he stole) could alleviate nor take away the intensity of his Ma's pain.

At first, he thought it was unfair. That the universe could be so cruel to take away her mother's soulmate that led to her pain. That it was unfair that she had to continue suffering for an accident she wasn't a part of.

He was 8 when he decided that the universe was cruel and unfair to have given them soulmates in the first place.

— — —

Rollan was 10 when he finally got the words engraved on his arm.

His birthday was a party of two, consisting of his mother and him. He wasn't popular in school due to his troublemaking streak, nor particularly close with the people he often caused trouble with. It was raining that day, clothes drenched as he rushed home to see his Ma.

Ma scolded him when he came in, wetting the floor and urging him to take a bath.

He did so without complaint because he didn't want to risk triggering a coughing fit out of her.

He didn't recall the memory of his 10th birthday so fondly because of that. That it should rain on that day and 'cause his mother discomfort. That it should only be fitting for him to receive his soulmate's words on his arm on that very same day.

When the clock struck 10:12, the exact time of his birth, he saw the words engraved in black on his wrist.

I guess this is goodbye.

He was 10 when he received his soulmate's words on a rainy day, feeling numb about a promised farewell.

The universe truly wasn't fair.

— — —

Rollan is 15 when he first meets the people that would eventually become his true friends. Of course, they didn't all start that way.

"Didn't peg you for the troublemaking type," Rollan says to the innocent-looking, green-eyed blonde that sat closest to him in detention. "What are you in for?"

"M-Me?" The blonde stammers.

"No, I'm talking to the desk," Rollan sarcastically drawls. "Yes, I'm talking to you."

"Hey, lay off him," a dark-skinned girl warns from the other side of the room.

"What? I was just asking."

"You can ask politely."

"Can you two quiet down?" A second girl with Zhongese features and whose black hair was tied into a bun, scowls at them. "If you haven't realized, we're in detention."

"So? The teacher isn't here and probably won't be in the next thirty minutes," Rollan points out with a casual shrug.

She narrows her eyes at him. "And of course you'd know because you're no stranger to detention."

"Guilty as charged." The girl spares him one last scowl before ignoring him completely. Undeterred, he shifts his attention back to the blonde boy. "So, what are you in for?"

"I..." Blonde boy winces. "Was framed?"

"By who?"

"Devin Trunswick..."

Rollan snorts. "Makes sense. That guy could get away with murder if he wanted to. All he's gotta do is drop his last name and everyone conveniently turns the other way."

"Sounds like you know him," the dark-skinned girl comments.

"Sure, I know enough about him to steer clear of." He turns back to the blonde boy. "Either way, they'll probably keep your record clean in that case. Principal Olvan's decent enough not to put that in."

The Niloan girl raises an eyebrow. "You seem to have a lot of experience in the detention room."

"Of course," the Zhongese girl remarks without looking up. "It's Rollan. What else would he be known for?"

"Oh, so you're Rollan."

"So my reputation exceeds me!" Rollan exaggeratedly mocks a bow. "That's me, your guide to detention! Who named-dropped me to you guys?"

The Niloan girl hesitates. "Shane sort of mentioned you."

"Talk about friends in high places. How'd you land in detention?"

"Devin."

The blonde boy clears his throat. "She stood up for me. T-Thank you for that, by the way."

"Of course. He shouldn't have done that in the first place."

"How wholesome," Rollan flatly cuts in. "Let me guess, you're the blonde guy who got tripped up at the cafeteria by Trunswick and she was the one who made a riot standing up for you."

The aforementioned two looked at him in surprise.

"Word travels fast," Rollan casually waves off. "Also, I saw the whole thing. Not hard to miss."

"If you already knew, then why were you asking?" The blonde boy asks.

"Dunno. 'Cause I was bored? I was curious to see how you'd respond?" He blows out a breath. "We're gonna be here for the next hour, may as well entertain myself. Besides, maybe I was building up to asking why our fourth delinquent is in detention when she has no reason to."

All three heads swivel towards the Zhongese girl, who had noticeably stilled her movements on her pencil. "What's it to you?"

"Just asking. No harm in that."

"Well, clearly you know more than you let on while the rest of us are left in the dark."

He shrugs. "Fine, I'll even the scales then. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not in detention 24/7. I don't actually have to be here today, same as you."

"Kind of hard to believe."

"Suit yourself, I gave you an answer. So, why are you here?"

The Zhongese girl huffs, resuming on her homework as she responds, "It's usually empty in this room. I didn't know they held detentions here."

"Only once a week," Rollan smirks. "So you're here because you found it too awkward to leave."

The red that tinged her cheek confirmed as much. "And I suppose you're here to be annoying."

"Amongst other things."

"Wait," the blonde boy interjects. "You're only here to do homework?"

The Zhongese girl shoots him a piercing look. "Is there a problem with that?"

"N-No! Of course not! I think it's, um– it's productive."

"And the teacher lets you stay here?" The Niloan girl curiously asks.

"Miss Lishay knows, of course. I wouldn't be here if she didn't allow it."

"Huh," the Niloan hums before turning to Rollan. "And you're here... why exactly?"

"To avoid people," Rollan simply answers. "Detention's way better than dealing with that crowd."

— — —

Rollan thinks none of them ever really saw it coming.

But he eventually calls the blonde boy Conor, learns the Niloan girl to be Abeke, and knows the Zhongese girl to be Meilin.

History with Conor becomes a game of 'try-not-to-get-caught talking'. Chemistry class with Abeke was either a chaotic mess or a blessing in disguise (he sucked at Chemistry). He didn't do any better in Biology and although he also shared it with Abeke and Conor, the boys often ended up playing third- and fourth-wheel to Shane and Abeke. He's fairly well-off in Math and Physics, much to Meilin's surprise and oftentimes to her annoyance, which sparked her competitive streak (because she was an up-and-coming honor student and he thought it was funny whenever he puts in the extra effort just to beat her at a question).

PE class with all four of them slowly became the grounds for their either temporary team-building or chaotic rivalry. At some point, he feels loneliest most potently during English class (the one class he doesn't share with any of them).

None of them saw it coming, how they eventually sought each other during group projects or wondered where they had to sit other than with one of the others.

The "detention room" slowly becomes their hangout space, except for actual detention hours where they were forced out someplace else.

A group chat was made at some point at the pretense of study dates, group project purposes, or resource sharing transitioning into random meme posts, nonsense-filled conversations, and plans for the eventual weekly coffeehouse hangouts.

It becomes his source of entertainment, especially during English class.

IDK what to name this gc

KleptoMANIAC

guys

i'm boted

catniss everdeez

Hi boted

KleptoMANIAC

bored*

Ram Aren't Sheep

hi boted

KleptoMANIAC

screw you

Melon

Clearly she hasn't given you the essay assignment yet.

KleptoMANIAC

fock

kill me

Ram Aren't Sheep

wE HAV AN ESAY?/?/??/

Melon

Conor, she literally told us last period.

KleptoMANIAC

lmao

catniss everdeez

@Melon who'd you base yours off?

Melon

Jhi the Panda.

KleptoMANIAC

lol who?

Melon

Maybe if you read the book...

KleptoMANIAC

maybe i tRiEd and didn't understand sHeT

catniss everdeez

https://www.sparknotes.com/lit/greatbeasts/summary/

KleptoMANIAC

you're a real one

i'm still bored tho

we're meeting up at the cafe later right?

Ram Aren't Sheep

ye

catniss everdeez

Yup

Also heads up pop quiz for history

Melon

Chemistry quiz next Monday.

KleptoMANIAC

you guys just know how to bring down the mood -_-

It's safe to say that come the end of the year, they are friends.

— — —

Rollan is 16 when he realizes that the words on his arm doesn't necessarily mean it had to be the first words his soulmate would utter to him.

It starts off like any other normal day. They were at their go-to coffee shop, already a week into their second year in senior high. It's been a year since the four of them met in that detention room and somehow got stuck together ever since.

Rollan arrives at their usual table first, having ordered a cold frappe and a croissant. He may be the last one to class but you'll never catch him slacking when it comes to coffee hangouts.

It's a mere matter of priorities.

Meilin arrives next, wordlessly dropping her bag on the seat next to his before going up to the counter to order. When she returns, a steaming mug of coffee in her hand, she puts up a finger to silence him (just as he was about to make a remark) then takes a sip from her coffee.

He watches all this in amusement, waiting 'till Meilin finally places the mug down.

"Okay," Meilin promptly straightens her shoulder. "You can start annoying me now."

Rollan smirks. "Annoying you? Why I could never!"

"Nevermind, I need more coffee for this," she mutters, picking up her mug to take another sip.

"Oh, come on," he whines. "I haven't even said anything!"

"You don't have to. You just are."

"Yet you're still stuck in the same group chat as me."

"Abeke and Conor are decent company. You just so happen to be a part of it."

Rollan mockingly places a hand over his heart. "Meilin, did our camaraderie during Physics and Math mean nothing to you?"

"Right, speaking of," a glint enters her eyes. "Have you started on the Physics project yet?"

He stares at her blankly before reaching out for his drink. "I'm done with this conversation."

She snorts.

"No, but seriously," he continues, almost slamming his drink down as his frustration spills over. "Mister Dorian is insane for assigning a project this early in the fricking year!"

"How terrible," she half-heartedly responds.

He scoffs. "At least say that like you mean it."

"You are absolutely right, he is insane for giving us a project this early in the year."

"Now it just feels like you're mocking me."

She rolls her eyes. "Be grateful I'm even playing along with your antics."

"You're right," he sarcastically huffs. "I should appreciate the small victories. My bad."

Sometime in the middle of their bantering, Conor and Abeke had both arrived, taking the other two empty chairs. Rollan casted a quick glance at them, only to linger as he immediately noticed something off.

"It's okay," Conor intercepts just as Abeke makes a move to the counter. "I'll take your order."

Abeke momentarily hesitates before nodding, slowly sitting back down as Conor heads off to the counter. She looked distracted, and one glance exchanged with Meilin proved that he wasn't the only one that noticed.

Meilin tactfully starts. "Busy day?"

"No, not really," Abeke mumbles, almost slumping down on her chair.

Rollan decides the direct approach. "Did something happen between you and Conor?"

"What?" Abeke blinks in confusion. "No. Why? Is there something wrong?"

"Nah, forget about it," he waves off, crossing that off his list.

The two say nothing as they watch Conor come back with both their drinks and snacks in hand. Conor spares Abeke a concerned glance, the latter completely oblivious to it as she murmurs a quiet 'thanks'.

When Rollan catches Conor's eye, he raises an eyebrow. What happened?

Conor shrugs. I don't know.

Meilin sighs outloud. "Alright, Abeke, what's wrong?"

The Niloan stills. "Huh?"

"You've been acting off since we left school," Conor gently explains.

"We're not blind," Rollan adds.

Abeke hesitates before sighing. "It's nothing bad, really. Just a little confusing, I guess. I was talking to Shane for a bit after school–"

Rollan snorts. "You mean your very good friend Shane, right?"

"We're just friends," comes her automatic retort, but she winces. "Or well, we still are but..."

"He confessed," he teased.

Conor noticeably blanches while Meilin rolls her eyes. "Be serious."

"What? It's possible!"

They all turned to Abeke who was flushing. "Well– kind of?"

They stared at her.

"Shit, really?" Rollan chokes out. "Finally grew some guts, huh–"

"Let her talk," Meilin exasperatedly interrupts him before nodding at her. "What happened?"

"We were talking when his arm suddenly flashed gold," Abeke mumbles, noticeably rubbing her own arm. "Basically, his soulmark lit up after I said his words and..."

She didn't need to finish the sentence for the rest of them to come to the same conclusion. It was weird because the topic of soulmates seldom ever entered their conversations– probably because none of them found theirs yet 'till now –and it was common practice for people to hide their soulmarks so as not to get 'baited'.

Abeke lets out a breath. "I think I found my soulmate."

Conor momentarily stills from beside her, something that went unnoticed by everyone else but Rollan. He shoots the blonde boy a questioning look that goes ignored.

"So, Shane's your soulmate," Meilin murmurs in thought. "It's interesting, I guess, that you've already met him before you knew it was him. My dad was the same."

"Ma met hers the first time he spoke to her," Rollan mumbles. He clears his throat before changing the topic. "So you found your soulmate. Cool. What about it is bothering you?"

Abeke sighs. "His words lit up but mine didn't."

"Don't the words only light up the moment you fall in love with them, though?" Rollan questions. "Maybe you just haven't fallen in love with him."

"It's not always like that," Meilin interjects, shaking her head. "It's more like a moment of epiphany. Maybe that's realizing you've fallen in love. Maybe it's realizing their particular impact on you or something else."

He raises an eyebrow at her. "Didn't take you for a romantic."

She scowls. "It's not that. My dad's words lit up when his soulmate was already married to someone else."

"Oof."

"Besides, he fell in love with my mom. Not everyone ends up with their soulmates." Meilin hesitantly glances at Abeke. "Not that I'm saying yours would turn out that way–"

"No, I get it," Abeke reassures her with a smile. "I guess it's just a little weird for me. I've only ever seen him as my friend so I don't really know how to feel knowing we're... you know."

"I think you should give it time," Meilin suggests. "Everyone goes at their own pace after all."

"With how much time you guys already spend, you'll be falling in love with him in no time," Rollan drawls, earning him exasperated looks from everyone other than Conor, who'd been quiet the entire time. He nudges him with his foot to get his attention. "You've been quiet."

Conor jolts. "Sorry! J-Just lost in thought. I'm gonna go to the bathroom real quick." He hastily stands up, sparing Abeke a quick glance. "Um, congrats by the way. I think?"

Abeke huffs a small laugh. "Thanks."

The day goes about as normal as it can get, the topic drifting off to assignments and other gossip and some other nonsense but Rollan notices. When Conor returns from the bathroom, he looks paler than usual and stays quiet far more than he normally was.

So, he waits 'till they're saying their farewells.

And like the good friend that he was, Rollan decides to pester Conor about it on their way home. Luckily, they were headed in the same direction.

"Alright, what's been bothering you this time," Rollan drawls.

Conor sighs, "You're not going to drop this, are you?"

"You're welcome to try me."

Conor stops walking, making him stop as well. He sucks in a breath then lets it out, his shoulders slumping as a dull look enters his green eyes.

"My soulmark lit up."

"You too?" Rollan exclaims before letting out a whistle. "What are the odds?"

"Almost impossible," comes his shaky reply.

"Well, maybe highly unlikely but I wouldn't say–"

"Rollan."

And Conor had rolled up his arm sleeves, revealing the words now ablaze in gold. Words that even Rollan could recognize with clarity because he's been there when Abeke said those words.

I think I found my soulmate.

Rollan was 16 when he was reminded, once again, that the universe wasn't fair.

— — —

Rollan is 17 when he first meets Jehan.

It all started in English class, which he shared with Conor during their junior year. For the past two years, Conor always had English with Meilin, who'd been a huge help for him since he had major dyslexia and struggled to read more often than not.

However, being stuck with Rollan for English class– much less any class –meant they were doing anything other than classwork.

"Before we dive into our lesson today," their English teacher brightly asks the class, a bubbly woman named Maya. "I'm sure everyone here is already familiar with the concept of soulmates. Maybe some of you have already met them!"

Rollan huffs out a sigh, glancing over at the window in boredom. Beside him, Conor sinks further into his seat.

"But today, I want to talk about something, uh, similar you could say?" She switches to the next slide, displaying the word for all the class to see. "How many of you are familiar with the concept of Twin Flames?"

A few hands shot up as others murmured, probably talking about their answers to anyone other than the teacher asking the actual question. Having become pretty desensitized about the topic of soulmates, the only thing he knows about it is the fact that it's like a soulmate but deeper and more stronger or special or whatever.

"Yes, Jehan."

A girl sitting in front of them, stands up to answer. "I'm not really sure? But I heard that they're like soulmates but it's a more intense soul connection. They're said to be a person's other half because there's an idea that they were cut from the same soul. Either way, they're drawn to each other so they're bound to bump into each other eventually."

Maya beams. "You're pretty much on the ball there. Thank you, Jehan. So class, just like Jehan said, Twin Flames are a stronger soul connection than soulmate bonds. Sometimes, they're called 'mirror souls' because it's speculated that one soul had been cut into two, hence they understand and reflect each other so deeply."

Another girl's hand shoots up. "I have a question, Miss Maya."

"Yes Tasha?"

"Are Twin Flames real?"

Maya hums. "That's a good question. Some claimed to have found their Twin Flame but they're so rare that it's hard to really differentiate them from soulmate cases. Do you have another question?"

Tasha sheepishly nods. "Yeah."

Rollan mutters under his breath. "Great. We're getting into the soulmate hole."

"Is it possible to have more than one soulmate?"

"Yes, actually," Maya says, lighting up. "There have been very rare cases of a person having more than one soulmate in a lifetime. However, they never have two at the same time. Of course, these are very rare cases, and one's bond differs from another's, but there's still a very small possibility!"

"Hear that?" Rollan asks, nudging his friend. "Maybe if you say her words first, she'll be your soulmate for the first half of whatever."

"Highly doubt it," Conor grits, hinting at him to drop it (which he thankfully does).

"Anyway, the reason I brought up Twin Flames is because–" she switches to the next slide, showcasing the picture of their next novel (ugh). "—we're going to be studying 'The Flame in Phos Astos'."

Surprise, surprise, it was a story about Twin Flames. Apparently, the main character, a monk, was always drawn to the underground world of Sadre and eventually made his journey down where he meets his Twin Flame. It's a tragedy of a love story, truly, that they were eventually separated due to how different their lives were turning out to be.

Ultimate soulmate angst.

"Now, I've put up some discussion questions on the board. Please group yourselves into four and share your ideas."

And that's how Rollan and Conor found themselves in the same group as Jehan and Tasha.

"I think soulmates are unnecessary," Rollan drawls out. "You won't even know you've met them until you already like them or something. Even without the words, it won't change much that you still ended up liking them."

"I disagree," Tasha counters. "I think it's nice to have reassurance, you know? That this person is really meant for you."

Rollan scoffs. "Meant for you for a while, maybe. Doesn't mean it's always for life."

"I can agree to that," Jehan piped up. "Maybe you click really well but it's still a choice whether you stay together or not."

Rollan grins. "Someone here gets it. It doesn't always have to be romantic."

"You could say that again," Jehan huffs. "My soulmate's words lit up first but I can't even see the guy as anything more."

Tasha pouts.

Conor clears his throat. "I think soulmates aren't all that bad. Yeah, it doesn't really change what you already feel when you find out but we encourage each other to change as we grow. In some ways, I think it's still love. Not always the romantic kind, but some deep form of it nonetheless."

"Sounds like you're projecting," Rollan teases.

Conor sighs exasperatedly. "I'm not."

"Well, maybe you're right but my soulmate's kinda..." Jehan frowns. "Not that I'm trying to badmouth him but he's always been annoying to me. It was quite literally dislike at first sight."

"Maybe it just isn't the right time," Tasha suggests.

Jehan snorts. "Ever since I found out I was his soulmate I literally wanted nothing more to do with him. Why should I have to spend time with this guy when I don't want to?"

"Exactly!" Rollan exclaims. "Just 'cause the universe chose a soulmate for me doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Now it just sounds like you're projecting," Conor mumbles. "And you haven't even found yours yet."

"Thank the Great Beasts I haven't."

Jehan straightens up. "You haven't found yours?"

"Yup."

"So you're saying," she smirks, "that you're a free man."

"Free as a bird," Rollan grins. "Not that meeting a soulmate would change that for me."

"Hm. Sounds like you and I are on the same boat."

"Huh, I could've sworn I heard that you already had a soulmate."

"Technically, my soulmark hasn't lit up yet. And weren't you the one that said we weren't obligated to please the universe?"

He mirrors her smirk. "I guess I did say that."

"Um, hello," Tasha interrupts, waving a hand between them. "We're still here."

"Get a room," Conor adds with a huff.

Suffice to say, the two of them clicked pretty well and the class ends with all four getting together for the novel's accompanying group project.

"You know," Rollan casually starts as they were walking to the cafe together. "You and Tasha seemed to get along nicely."

Conor raises an eyebrow at him. "You're not setting me up, are you?"

"Nah. I'm merely suggesting the possibility."

"She's not my soulmate."

"So? Just 'cause you found your soulmate, doesn't mean you have to devote all your time to her. Besides, she gets to have another option either way, so how fair is that."

Conor's gaze hardens. "It's not Abeke's fault."

"Of course not, just– I didn't say that right," Rollan sighs. "All I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with... branching off from the soulmate thing?"

"Sure, like whatever the 'thing' that's going on with you and Jehan," he mumbles.

"I like Jehan."

Conor blanches. "She has a soulmate."

"And?" Rollan scoffs. "Nothing's set in stone, sheep boy. Nothing wrong with living a little either."

"Even if there's the possibility that she might leave you afterwards?"

"Sure."

"Damn?"

"We're in highschool," it comes out a little exasperated. "It's not like I'm looking for anything serious. We clicked. I enjoy her company, so I like her. Simple as that."

"Simple for you guys to say," Conor mumbles. "None of your words lit up."

That makes Rollan stop walking to consider his words, causing Conor to slow to a stop beside him.

With a sigh, he nudges his friend's shoulder. "Look, I won't lie. It sucks that your soulmate happens to have two. It's unfair and you clearly know that better than I do. I thought you would at least understand why I'm not exactly keen about this whole soul bond thing."

"I think I liked her for a long time," his friend chokes out. "Obviously, we're friends and all, but she stood up for me when she barely knew me, so it was the next easiest thing to be her friend. If she was having a rough day, I'd do what I could to just be there for her because she did the same for me and I didn't realize that..." His voice trails off before shaking his head. "At the cafe, when she was telling her story about what happened, I just had this sinking feeling and I thought 'was I about to lose her?' Then she says the words and it's both the most relieving and suckiest feeling ever."

Rollan is momentarily stunned. He hadn't realized that it affected Conor this much. Finally, he sputters out an eloquent, "Shit man."

Conor chokes out a teary laugh. "Thanks."

Rollan shakes his head before extending his arms. "Here. Let me give you a hug."

"That's weird." He accepts the hug anyway.

"You're weird."

"We're right in front of the cafe."

"Who cares?"

They get a few weird looks from passersby but he was not going to let his friend walk away without an action of comfort from him. Rollan was gonna be a good friend because it was one of those special occasions that required him to be one.

"Why are you guys hugging?" Meilin asks, who seemingly appeared out of nowhere.

"'Cause we felt like it," Rollan shoots back.

When Meilin raises an eyebrow, Conor only shrugs while giving her a weak smile.

"Okay then..."

"Wanna join us?"

"I'm good."

"Your loss."

— — —

"He likes you."

"He doesn't."

"He totally likes you."

Meilin spares him an exasperated glance. "Just 'cause Yenni's asking me for physics help doesn't mean he likes me."

"That's the thing, though. He only asks you," Rollan points out.

"Who else would he ask?"

"Uh, me?"

She snorts. "Maybe if you didn't give him the stink-eye every time he came over, he might just feel inclined to."

"Woah, don't act like you're any better, Miss-Queen-of-judgemental-side-eyes."

"If you're jealous of the attention he's giving me, you're free to go help him out."

He wrinkles his nose. "I don't wanna help him."

She groans. "Then why are you complaining?"

"I'm not jealous, either. I also don't like him."

"I don't like him either?"

"Yeah, but he likes you."

"And what?" Meilin gives him a look. "That makes you jealous?"

"I'm not jealous," Rollan repeats with a scoff, turning back to the worksheet they were on.

"Sure," she teases.

"I'm not."

"O–kay."

— — —

In the three years that they've all known each other, it was only by the second year that they started hosting hangouts at their respective places (for some of them at least).

Meilin's dad wasn't often home so a guardian stayed with her, a grumpy old lady named Xue. It was a high-end unit, the fanciest Rollan's ever stepped foot on, but the dullness that sometimes enters her eyes at the mention of going home knowing her father wouldn't be there, didn't go unnoticed by everyone else (so they came to a silent agreement to offer their places up for hangouts more often instead).

They went to Abeke's house once to study for their midterms, but the stifling air that seemed to appear whenever Abeke's father did made it a little hard to focus. The concealed quips didn't go unnoticed by everyone else (most especially by Conor, who seemed to have bitten his tongue more than once).

Conor's place was warm and full and though their family always has the best meals to offer, it isn't necessarily the best place to study. The house was too full, pairing that with a bunch of rowdy brothers, a kind yet nosy mother, and a father who sneezed up a nuclear bomb. (Rollan's lost track of how many heart attacks he got from Mr. Fenray's sneezes.)

That left Rollan's place, which only consisted of him and his mother. It wasn't fancy like Meilin's, spacey like Abeke's, or full like Conor's, but in Rollan's humble opinion it was the perfect fit.

Which is where they found themselves now, each taking up a spot in the living room with their respective study materials.

"Are you guys going to the dance?" Abeke asks at some point.

"Maybe," Rollan mumbles as he recalls Jehan mentioning it. "Why? Are you?"

"Well, Shane asked me."

He carefully watches Conor from the corner of his eye. "And? Did you say yes?"

"I told him I'll think about it."

Rollan hums. "So, you were wondering if any of us were free to substitute?"

"Don't say it like that," Abeke scowls. "I just... didn't wanna go alone."

"You have Shane."

"Yeah but," she hesitates, "it's still a little weird."

"Then go with someone else," he suggests, trying to act casual, "like, I don't know, Conor– Ow!"

Conor, for his part, turns to Abeke like he hadn't just kicked his shin. "Do you want to go with Shane? I mean, yeah maybe it's weird right now but you guys were friends. Are friends."

Abeke looks at him, an unreadable look on her face before she slowly nods. "I guess..."

"That's settled then," Rollan flatly drawls on. "Conor can go with Tasha, I'll ask Jehan, and Meilin goes with Yenni."

Meilin, who's been quiet the entire time, rolls her eyes. "You're still going on about that?"

"Watch." Rollan turns to Abeke. "You know Yenni, right?"

"The guy that has a crush on Meilin?"

"Hah! See?"

Abeke sheepishly grins at her. "I mean, it was kind of obvious."

Conor frowns. "Who?"

"The Zhongese guy in their physics class," she clarifies.

"He has a crush on Meilin?"

Rollan rolls his eyes. "You're hopeless."

"Actually," Meilin pipes up, "I think that proves my point valid."

"It proves you're both oblivious maybe—"

"Wait. Time out," Abeke cuts in. "Tasha and Jehan? Your groupmates from English class?"

"Yup," popping the 'p' as Rollan casually answers. "It's a thing."

"Since when?"

"Since being project buddies."

Conor clears his throat. "Just to clarify, there's no 'thing' between me and Tasha. That's just Rollan."

Rollan snorts, "Maybe not yet–"

"I'm not going," Meilin abruptly cuts in. "I'd rather spend it on more productive things, but hope you have fun."

"Come on, really?" Rollan whines. "It's just one night of fun. Aren't you used to attending big fancy parties?"

"Yes, and they were dull and monotonous and full of pretentious individuals I'd rather not waste my time with," she mutters.

"Damn, you're really gonna turn down Yenni like that?"

"I already did."

A stunned silence followed, staring at the Zhongese girl who calmly continued whatever assignment she'd been working on. Naturally, this was the moment that Rollan's mother walks in.

"Snacks, anyone?" Ma announces.

"Snacks sounds great, Ma'am," Abeke pipes up.

— — —

Jehan says yes. They go to the dance together.

Conor on the other hand–

"She what?!"

"She already found her soulmate," Conor calmly repeats. "And honestly, it's fine. Tasha was pretty understanding when I explained."

Rollan whistles. "You ask for a date and leave with a friend instead."

"It's fine," Conor insists. "I didn't feel like going anyway. Seeing my soulmate with her other soulmate isn't exactly something I'm looking forward to."

Which was understandable, so Rollan let it go without any more insisting on his part. So the dance comes around, he picks up Jehan like he's meant to and they head over to the school together.

Shane and Abeke were already there. There was something tense about Abeke but as the night unraveled, the tension seemed to give way to fun. Before long, it felt like third-wheeling Shane and Abeke all over again. Ugh.

At least he had Jehan.

"I'm gonna hit the snack bar," Rollan announces, turning to her. "Want anything?"

"Sure."

Rollan heads to the snack bar alone, weaving through the crowd of dancing, sweaty, highschoolers until making his way to the side of the room to the table lined with snacks. There he finds– not only some baked goods, snacks, and juices –but also-

"What are you two doing here?"

Conor and Meilin– the hypocrites who said they didn't want to go –were standing by the snack bar, each with a plate of snacks in their hands.

"Eating?" Conor answers, a little confused.

"No, I mean–" Rollan waves an incredulous hand at the two of them. "You guys said you didn't want to go!"

"We didn't," Conor admits, glancing at Meilin who shrugs. "But the food was free so we decided to briefly stop by."

"I heard Conor wasn't going," Meilin adds. "And staying in was too boring."

"If it was too boring, why couldn't you have gone with Yenni?" It comes out more accusatory than Rollan intended.

"Maybe 'cause I didn't like Yenni."

"So you went with Conor instead."

"I did."

The conversation stops, weirdly stilted and tense and he doesn't really know why he feels so annoyed about seeing the two of them together.

Conor awkwardly clears his throat. "Um, I told her about my soulmark. She knows."

"Oh, and her bright idea was to bring you to the dance as her date," Rollan sarcastically shoots back.

Meilin's eyes flared. "Right, 'cause making him ask someone he clearly wasn't as comfortable with was a way better idea. You wanted to drag him here in the first place."

"I wanted him to have fun," he emphasizes.

"We will have fun."

"Great! I'll have fun too. With Jehan."

"Good for you."

"Right," Conor cuts in with a nervous chuckle. "It's getting pretty hot in here, huh? Juice anyone?"

"I'll pass," Rollan abruptly says, grinning at them stiffly. "I better be getting back."

When Rollan gets back to Jehan, he's still stewing in his unexplainable frustration at seeing his two friends at the snack bar together. It was fine. They were friends. Conor had his own soulmate and Meilin's just being Meilin. And he had Jehan anyway. Jehan, who he likes just fine.

Jehan looks at him in slight confusion when he arrives empty-handed. "I thought you were getting drinks."

"They're probably spiked by now," Rollan quickly explains. "Let's dance."

The night drags on slowly and by the time it's over, he's ready to go home. He doesn't leave with Jehan, she'd gone with other friends to some after party he wasn't interested in. Abeke's already gone with Shane.

So Rollan walks home alone.

Rollan is 17 when he admits to himself that he didn't actually like Jehan.

— — —

Rollan is 18 when he realizes that time is all they had left.

He didn't see it coming, how attached he's become to their little group of four. He didn't see it coming, how he sought their company in every class, came to anticipate their coffeehouse hangouts, or enjoyed their group chat shenanigans way too much.

He didn't see it coming, how empty it got when the four of them left his house to return to their own and that's where he realizes that time is all they had left.

"They're good friends," Ma told him one time in passing.

Rollan hummed non-committedly. "I guess."

"Good friends are hard to find, my heart. Cherish them well."

Rollan stays awake, dwelling on her words.

It was their last year of highschool and they were bound to part ways as it was often the case. In the back of his mind, he knew that friendships were unpredictable and temporary, that they were bound not to stick afterwards.

He just didn't think he'd anticipate seeing a future where that was the case for them.

— — —

It starts hitting him when Meilin announces she's returning to Zhong.

It was a quiet revelation. It wasn't said lightly. The Zhongese girl herself had her hands gripped into tight fists, eyes dull, tone deceptively calm but even she fails to reign in the waver as she explained.

"My father isn't..." Her voice trails off and she clears her throat. "He's not well. So he's being sent back home and I need to be there."

And they understood. Of course they understood. She loved her father and it just shows.

"You'll still be here by the end of the year, right?" Rollan lightly asks.

Meilin gives him a small smile. "Of course."

— — —

It starts hitting him when Conor finds his university.

Rollan and Abeke were lucky to land in the same university, perhaps an hour away from their neighborhood, farther into the city. Conor had tried to do the same but he hadn't been accepted.

"It's only a 5-hour drive away," Conor reassures them.

Rollan snorts. "It's 'only' he says."

"At least it isn't a 17-hour flight," Meilin mumbles.

"Well, it could be worse," Abeke offers with a smile. "Just make sure to visit often."

"I will," Conor promises. "Of course I will."

Abeke turns to Meilin. "That goes for you too."

"As long as you guys pitch in for my plane ticket," Meilin jokes.

— — —

It finally hits him when they were at Meilin's house for the last time.

The three of them had visited to keep her company as they waited for the taxi to drive her off to the airport. The grumpy, old lady, Xue, grumbles something under her breath but thankfully leaves them alone as they sit by the curb, counting down the seconds of their remaining time together as four.

"This sucks," Rollan comments, breaking their momentary silence.

Abeke snorts.

"Yeah," Conor agrees.

Meilin stays silent, but she cracks a small smile.

Rollan gives her a little nudge. "Hey. Don't act too excited that you're leaving us behind."

"I could never," she softly counters, momentarily stunning him from going on with his joke. "Believe it or not, I'll actually miss you guys."

Rollan hums. "Going soft on us, Meilin?"

"Just this once."

"We'll miss you too," Abeke says as Conor smiles in agreement.

When the taxi arrives, they help her load her things in the back. Grumpy, old lady, Xue, grumbles as she hobbles past them and into the taxi but Meilin stays back awhile.

One by one, she goes to hug Abeke first, exchanging quiet words that leave them both with tears glistening in their eyes.

Conor smiles at her warmly when she hugs him next. "Don't be a stranger in the group chat."

"I won't," Meilin promises. She lowers her voice, Rollan catching her words as she says, "Be patient. She'll come around."

When she finally turns to Rollan, it finally starts hitting him. They never hugged often, they never hugged at all really, and this would already be their first and last. He's been so used to seeing her so often and now she's leaving and he'll never know when he'll see her again. He's been so used to their constant banter, the inside jokes that developed in every math and physics class, the conversations they'd share as they wait for the other two to get to the coffeehouse, and he realizes–

–he wasn't going to have this for a long time.

Meilin smiles at him– she's never done that often and it's only hitting him now that this could be the last one he'll see in a long time –and it's sad.

"I guess this is goodbye."

He forgets to breathe.

Rollan was 10 when he received the words on his arm. Rollan is 18 and it's hitting him all at once.

There's something burning in his arm, words once black still hidden under his sleeve and the realization is hitting him all at once.

He wasn't going to have this for a long time and it's finally hitting him all at once.

"No," he manages to choke out, a weak laugh disguised in a cough. He shakes his head– perhaps a little in denial –as he says, "No. This won't be goodbye. I'll see you again."

"I... I'd really like that." Her smile is still sad and he hates it.

She hugs him and it takes him another moment for him to return the hug just as tightly because he won't have this for a long time.

He doesn't want this to be the last and the realization is hitting him all at once.

He doesn't want to let her go.

But she eventually lets go. She repeats her farewells with the same sad smile. She enters the taxi and it speeds away until it disappears around the corner.

His heart feels numb.

It stays numb on his walk home. It stays numb the minute he enters the house.

"Oh, you're back! How did it go? Here, I made us dinner."

He finally rolls up his sleeve, and there ablaze in gold was the words of his soulmate. Unfair. The universe truly wasn't fair.

"What's wrong, my heart?" Ma's worried voice cuts through the haze. "Did something..."

"It's her, Ma," he croaks out, numbness giving away as he finally feels his heart break. "It's her."

The realization is hitting him all at once as he's swept in the loving embrace of his mother's arm. The realization is hitting him all at once, of the ones he didn't want to lose.

— — —

(It starts hitting him again when he sees the exact moment Abeke loses her soulmate.

He was with her at a new coffeehouse they found in the city, near the university they were staying at. Abeke was on the phone, most probably with Shane by how her voice seemed to soften. Moments of seeing her like this made Rollan reconsider how he saw the whole soulmate situation between the two of them.

"Yeah, we're just taking a break," Abeke was saying. "I'm at the coffeehouse right now. Rollan's with me."

"Is that Shane?" Rollan asks anyway. When she nods, he says, "Put him on speaker."

Abeke gives him a look but complies. "You're on speaker."

"Hey!" He exclaims. "Heard you're attending the same university as us. Doesn't have anything to do with a certain soulmate, is there?"

"Rollan," she hisses at him.

Shane lets out a short chuckle. "Not entirely but it is a reason. The university also offers a good course for the one I want."

"And here I thought you were just hopelessly whipped," Rollan quips.

"Okay, talking done," Abeke announces, putting him back off speaker.

Rollan only snickers before taking another sip at his cold frappe. Discreetly, he watches as Abeke went back to her softened demeanor as she resumed talking to Shane. He had never been particularly close with Shane, but even he could tell from how he responded to her– heck, even seeing them interact without the lens of annoyance –that he truly did care.

That he treated her well.

"I'll see you later then?" Abeke asks, wrapping up their plans for a future meeting.

"Of course," Shane replies in a gentle rumble. "I'll see you soon."

He sees the exact moment, as the call ends and the phone slips from her grasp. He sees the flash across her arms, sees the black words shining into gold. He sees the exact moment the realization hits her, his shock mirroring her own.

I'll see you soon.

"Holy shit," Rollan swears, staring at her arm in shock. "You found him."

Abeke's free hand flies to her mouth as she also stares at her arm in shock. "I... I guess I did."

They both stared at each other for a couple of moments. Then small, growing, and hysterical laughter bubbles through them. There were unshed tears glistening in her happy eyes and Rollan couldn't stop the grin on his face. Some part of him felt a pang of pain for Conor, but even he couldn't deny Abeke's happiness.

It's only cruel of the universe, that the moment he starts thinking 'perhaps this whole soulmate business isn't so bad all the time' that irony hits them back.

Just mere moments of them walking out of the coffeehouse, he sees the exact moment the golden words on Abeke's arm fade into gray. The very familiar gray that he's seen on his mother's arm, a meaning he knew all too well.

He sees the exact moment Abeke realizes what happens.

The phone call comes a moment later. A car accident.

Rollan is 18 when he's reminded, once again, of how cruel the universe was for giving them soulmates. Rollan is 18 when he's reminded of the dwindling time.

Rollan is 18 when the realization hits him all over again, of all the things he didn't want to lose.)

— — —

I'm alive? Um... 7k words sheeeesh-

Anyway, I got inspired and decided to pop this idea out into the world lol. I've actually still been writing in AO3 (just not Spirit Animals), so if you see this story on there, then that's PROBABLY me.

Uh, sorry for the Conbeke angst? And killing Shane off? And, uh, Reilin angst? Yeah, I LOVE angst :)

Will Part Two ever see the light of day? Hopefully! I'm not sure yet though but I hope so!

Anyways, hope y'all enjoyed this piece of angst!