'I hate you so much but I love you'. I look at Jisoo unnie when she sing the lyric, my hand is trembling as I look at the kids in front of me watching us performing the song that J-hope oppa wrote for us. It's so sad, too sad, just like my life.

'So stay, wherever that maybe

Sometimes, when darkness comes, I'll be your fire

In this world that is a lie the only truth, it's you

This a letter from me to you'. It's feel like I cry out my my own feeling when I sing the song.

'Do you still love me? If you feel the same, don't leave today'. I thought I will lost into this pain and ruined the performance when Jennie unnie take the part of mine while holding my hand.

'Don't ask why it has to be you. Just stay with me'. I force the smile while singing with them and the kids after I look at the worried Rose who's workd hard playing the guitar from the other side, I can't let this performance ruined.

"Thank you." Jennie unnie saying while everyone is giving us applause. The kids is so cute, they are smiling like crazy.

"How's the song kids?" Jisoo unnie take her part to cheer the kids, they are the patients of cancer. Mostly of them have no hair and look so pale. I like kids, but to see them like this make me want to shed the tears. But Jisoo unnie telling me to smile, to give them strength to fight. They are all, this little army, had their own war. They are the hero for their own self.

"Goooooood." They said in unison make me giggling.

"How about us?" Rose ask them playfully.

"Beautifuuuuul." They said again responding with full spirit while give us their both thumbs.

"Which one is the most beautiful?" and then the chaos begin. I never know that they could fight over something like this. Jisoo unnie look so confuse and pointing to one kid who's seems so calm, he is so tiny and pale but he looks handsome. "Which noona is the prettiest?" she ask again. And then he pointed at me make me cringe, I was hiding my face on Jennie unnie's back when another participant of charity, mostly is guy whistling over me. Jisoo unnie walk to him and gave him the microphone. "Why?"

"She looks like barbie. Yeppeo." He said innocently while me only look down to my foot, barbie again. "Does noona have a boyfriend?" he ask make all of them chuckled and Jisoo unnie teasing me with her flirty stare.

"Why?" I ask him embarrassing.

"If not, can I be your boyfriend? Ah ani~ will you be my wife?" I laugh along with Jennie unnie not believing that he is only a kid with that kind of confession.

"You should grow up. Noona only liking oppa." I tease him again. But then he smiles and nodded.

"I'll come to you when I am mature." The laugh can't stop even after we leave the hospital.

--

"That was awesome." She said in the middle of our dinner make me uncomfortable. I'd like to eat inside my room like any other night but mom force me to eat with them. It's already 7 days but she is still in here, sticking on him like tattoo.

"You are watching their charity?" mom asked her make her nodded energetically. "Well I want to go, but my daughter telling me to not. She is so mean" My mom then look at me hint me to laugh along with them, I fake my smile in 2 seconds, not more and then back to my daily poker face facing Marco who look at me with a smile. He try to calm me, we kick each other foot under the table and I chuckled when he trapped my feet.

"There was a boy who confess to Lisa unnie." She said while I drink the water. "A little cutie pie. But she reject him, telling him that she only likes an oppa." Mom is chuckling along with Marco.

"Lisa always been like that. When the first time I ask her what's his ideal type." I whined to Marco but he only chuckled and go on with the secret I had with him. It was our first conversation anyway. And I was clueless and too innocent to only keep that secret with me. "She said she loves oppa."

"Can I have the sauce, please." His voice interrupt our conversation, he look at me asking me to hand him the sauce bottle in front of me. I was about to take it but then Soomi grab it harshly from my hand make the bottle falling and spilling the sauce all over my not finish meal.

"Sorry." She apologetically stand up and then taking the napkin trying to wipe the sauce on my skirt.

"It's okay." I said but she keep touch my chest because the sauce is all over my front clothes. "No, please. Let me do this by myself." Minutes later I don't know how my anger taking over until I heard my mother's voice shouting on me. "I said no."

"Panpriya." My mom shouting on me, glaring like it will kill me. "What's got into you?" she ask angrily and then watching Soomi in front of me worried. I bit my lips and turn around running to my room. Even my mom, even my mom don't know what I feel. How can I live like this? I take off my clothes and angrily throwing it to the mirror and slamming my body onto the bed. Crying.

I heard the knock from the door, I lock it. "Barbie." I look up to the door, I want to open the door and hug him, but then I will only showing him that he is success wrecking me. No. It will never happen. "Barbie please open the door." I wipe my tears and standing up, giving up, I need him. I really need him.

"Kookie." I am freezing on my spot, I hold the knob of the door, almost unlocking the door when she approach him. "I need you." she said and sobbing.

"Mochi, it's okay." He said softly. I can imagine how he comfort her, just like the way he comfort me before. Hug me and kissing the top of my head. It feels good. "I am here to protect you." that time my heart aching knowing that I've lost him. I lost him. The fragile heart that I try to glue piece by piece patiently, wrecked by the tiny storm in a second.

--

"Bonnie." He call me again, never had enough bad day because I always rejecting him. "How are you today?" he said when I wait for the traffic light.

"Terrible." I said. That was my first respond after I rejected him that day. And he smiles at me when finally I talk to him.

"So do I." He said make me look at him, what's the thing could make his day terrible? "But to hear your voice again, it heal me." He said smiling as wide as the moon. Should I make his day beautiful by talking with him? He was the one I ever love by the way, I once want to be happy with him. I want someone to comfort me but no one capable to do that, should I try to comfort him?

"How's your mom?" after long thought I fully facing him and then put my both hand inside the pocket of my hoodie.

"She is great. Natty also is in good condition." Then I remember about the incident awhile ago, so she is still alive. I nodded, have nothing to talk again. We awkwardly standing facing each other for few minutes saying no words but it did feel comfortable.

I looked up when I feel someone is watching us and found Jungkook froze on his spot, looking at me with a sadness eyes. Not that again, I won't get into that trap again. "Should we go to somewhere nice?" I ask B.I earning a bright smile from him and then he lead me into his car. Leaving the street, and him.