"Jinny..." I scream while running out from the hospital. "Jinny..." I cry out and call her name wanting her to hear my voice, please answer me.
"Barbie..." I heard his voice behind me, but I keep run and run. I need to go to Hongdae where she always hangs out with B.I. She must be in there, drinking that damn fucking cola she loved more than anything.
She is gone.
Mom's voice keeps on playing in my mind. No, there is no way she leaves me alone. There is no way she was gone alone without even one of us with her. I saw Jennie in the other room of mine in the hospital, she looks so calm and peacefully looking at Yoongi oppa who's reading story for her. She looks so damn happy, but why did I want to scream on her. I want to tell her that Jinny is gone, that Jinny will never be there when we need someone to think crazily about something.
I also saw Min Jisoo lying unconscious, sleeping peacefully like a new baby born. Why must Jinny? Why must take only Jinny? Why must my sister? This is my mistakes, this is my sins that I let my greed took all over my self, again. Persuade Jinny to do something dangerous and in the end ending her life tragically.
How about you have daughter and I have a son. They will fall in love, and we will be the true family. How's that?
The tears fall like the stream make my world goes blur as the memories of her playing in my head. She had planned everything with me, about our wedding which will be held at the same hall, same time. About our child, about the promises. Then what should I do now if she gone? Why did you leave me, Jinny?
"No." The shout from my back startled me make me stop my step instantly as I saw a car almost hit me, loud horn come from every direction make me dizzy. Covering the ears with both of my hand I start to run again, I don't care about people who scold me, saying that I am a freak when they see me run with IV drop being dragged as the needle still stuck in my hand.
This must be a dream. This can't be true. I must be dreaming; I have to wake up. I almost reaching the other side of the street when I heard loud horn from my left make me look back, only to see a car hitting him, Jungkook.
I gasp when the car stops immediately after hitting his body, make his body flung few meters away. I stop my track and only could watching him, limply stand up using his right hand, dragging her left bleeding foot to reach me.
"Please stop running, barbie." He said as he hugs me.
--
She is still look lost in her own world after I take her to Jinny and B.I's funeral. She doesn't cry or speak, she only looking at both pictures of them emotionless. I try my best to be by her side, that day when we back to the hospital, watching my bleeding foot after catching up Lisa, mom already gave up and never asking me to go again. I should've just hurt myself in the first place if I knew it will work.
She refuses to visit Jennie; she refuses to meet Jisoo and Rose. She refuses to show herself to the world and only lock herself in her room. She keeps looking at the window, she had been a good friend with silences. The only thing I could be grateful that, she is not rejecting me. She is still kept in silences but sometimes I know that she always watching on me as I sleep with her every night. I never sleep thought, because she does too. I want to be the only one she can depend on.
But today, she changes. I wake up from my short sleep to only seeing an empty spaces beside me. Freak out I jump from the bed and start to hurry myself running down stair in case she does something stupid again. My mind starts to make the plot about something scary until I smell something nice from the kitchen as I saw her back facing the stair, holding the spatula she places the pancake to the plate while whistling. Slowly I went to the kitchen counter and walk closer to her.
"You wake up?" I am a bit startled when she asks me without facing me, still busy with the pancake. I bit my lips as I stand beside her, watching her pale face and puffy eyes trying to smile. She looks at me when I can't take my eyes away from her, and she smiles. "Just wait a little more, pancake will be ready."
My heart fluttered when I see her smile, it's been a long time since she smiles this way to me. It's been a long time since the last time I feel her feeling to me, nodding my head I give her my sweetest smile and reaching her hand. The warm body of her.
"I love you." I tell her out of blue make she punch my chest lightly as I catch it and bring both of her hand to my lips.
"Stop flirting, it's still too early to start your playboy habit." I show her my bunny smile, which is instantly make her cheeks burning, every time. I had my own pleasure every time her cheeks turn red. She looks more beautiful that way. My barbie.
The next minutes we spent to eat our delicious breakfast, and I willingly exchange anything for this moment, anything. I look around try to find mom or Marco but seems they already had their own special time somewhere, until I found one small paper under the book on the table. I look at her figure who's now back facing me doing the dishes she insists to do without my help. Carefully I took the book she had been red this day and took the paper. The paper which is capable to make my heart break.
Plane ticket.
--
We strole around the city just like a lovey Dovey couple, holding hand while sometimes chuckled about something which is mostly not interesting. But everything will be interesting when I see it with her. She giggled much today, we ride the bicycle at the park, playing with the fountain at the park which is make our shirt get wet.
We run among the kids at the park until she surrenders and then sitting on the ground, folding her knee and hug it on her chest. I look at her and then sat beside her while eyeing the kids who's play tirelessly.
"We can't beat them." She said while laughing pointing at the kids. I nodded laughing with what her think is funny. I am being passive this day, I let her talk mostly, when in a normal day I was the one who's always talking and nagging on her. Today, I will let her full filling my memories. Today I will remember everything clearly and will never forget it.
Minutes later we got silences, and it feels uncomfortable. Stiffly I lay my back on the bench, which is right behind our back, while her, laying her head on my shoulder. I want to cry but I should be happy today.
"Where will you go?" hesitantly I ask her who's now peacefully closing her eyes while resting her head on my shoulder. Her breath sounds relax. At least I should know what kind of place it is. At least I can come whenever I miss her.
"Somewhere." She said after long space. I bit my lips as I feel the pain inside my chest, I don't want you to go.
"When will you come back?" I don't want her to go, but there is no one could make her stay, even not for me. At least, she will come back home someday, won't she?
"Never."
"Okay." That's it. I should know this will be painful, but I still want to hear it from her mouth. I still want to know how cold and harsh her words could be when she let me know what will happen after such a bright and beautiful day, it's a trap. I look down at my lap as I cherish the last moment between me and her. Feeling how warm her touch, feeling how her lavender scent never fails to ease my mind, my favorite one.
My head keep replaying the first meeting between me and her, the crowd in Hongdae, we did performances among the crowd, me and the boys. Never feeling happy that day, after I saw blonde barbie girl watching me with such sweet smile which is never leave my mind, till now. How I remind myself to not fall for her because she is my stepsister, and I am her stepbrother. But I failed. I fall for her, hard.
That day, if I weren't mistaken calling Soomi with Lisa, Soomi will never know and will never come to my life again. Which is mean, I will become with my barbie girl, life gratefully, happily. But again, this is my mistake. This is what you got when you always can't help but standing in front of a weak one no matter how terrible that person was.
I am too weak to let anyone in pain, I want to hug everyone in my embrace. But I end up hurting them. Sewon, can you hear me? Will you forgive me? Will you forgive me if I still can't get over this one? Once you tell me that Soomi was the best friend you ever had, that you want me to take care of her until the last drop of my blood, and I agree without hesitation.
Will you, forgive me if I break that promise?
She held my hand as mine was trembling holding my pain, carefully she touches mine, so warm.
"I will never force you again." She said softly, more like whispering to my ear. "I will never be trying to set you free when you yourself even didn't want to." I hold my hiccup clenching my jaw so I wouldn't make a sound. This feeling is weird, it feels like someone pulling out and pushing in the sharp knife to my heart. The never-ending pain.
"I will never blame you." she said again even softer. "I won't blame you by choosing to protect other people, you are a good man." I shake my head still holding my hiccup as the tears come. "And I am a bad girl."
"No." I softly said. Please don't say that. I am the jerk one in here. I am the pain maker; I am the trouble. She then straightens her sit position, facing me while sweetly smile, innocently. Looking at me like 5 years old girl.
"I want to stay but I couldn't help only feel the weird sad feeling in here while looking at you." Please try harder barbie. Please stay. She then smiles bitterly as she went closer, watching my face carefully as if she plans to not see me again, blinking her eyes slowly before she lands her lips on mine. The warm, soft and sweet lips kissing mine softly, genuinely.
I understand. This is a goodbye kiss. The most meaningful and the fastest kiss I had, I want more time to imprint this moment when our lips parted, our eyes meet, then she spoke on my ear. She spoke something that I cried when I heard it, something that will leave the eternal scars in my heart.
Touching my forehead with hers she smiles once again, beautiful. Before I could process what had happen, she then stands up, walking away without even looking back at the pitiful man she left behind. As I want her to stay so bad, my body just glued to the ground as if my brain will only obey of what she asks me to do. Blankly I could only staring at my half who's now walking far away from me, not knowing when to comeback, until she completely gone and disappear from my sight. The blonde barbie girl, who is dump me again and again.
Even after years till now, even after Soomi wake up and staying beside me as a best friend her words keeps replaying in my mind without I know what to do about it. The words that slowly build a big hole in my heart, the greatest rejection which is I reject to understand.
Even until now, I am still trying to find her, living with an empty feeling inside is not alive. I guess now I understand what that sentences means. Every now and then I am still telling myself that one day she will come back show up at the door, while saying surprise and then hug me. Kiss me. Hold me as I cry hard in her embrace. I am holding the grudge to nag on her, and she is still having one promise she needs to full fill.
I just need to wait, a little longer. Probably the next year, or the next ten year she will come back. She must come back, carrying one big size package of happiness, that she stole from me. Just wait a little longer till she brings it back for me.
Barbie, I didn't understand what you said. Back then I was 21, and I don't know such a heavy word you said. I'll wait, I don't know when you will comeback. But I know that you will. Sitting on the ground where you left me years ago, holding my aching chest I close my eyes, trying to feel the same warm body of you, trying to replay all the most beautiful memories of us. Until that words come again, cutting my everything in pieces. Barbie, where is my happy ending?
"Unlove me."
-The End-
--
PS : Finally, tonight I don't feel like writing. But the sequel already on my head and I can't wait. I should end the first one and start over with the new one. I hope you had a good time reading this story. Over my lack in English, I wish you had a good time. And I'll be back as soon as possible with the new story. Anyone willing to make the cover for the story? Since I was too busy with my job. The title would be STEPSISTER.
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