"The choices you make now, the people you surround yourself with, they all have the potential to affect your life, even who you are, forever." 

--Sarah Dessen  

Dear Isaac,

Thank you. 

You really made my day. But I'm sorry to inform you that I've been depressed for a very long time. I don't think you should feel bad that you couldn't sense that, or you didn't at all. Because we've only just started to talk, and I wished that me and you could've known each other sooner, 'cause I absolutely did enjoy spending time with you, and burning you a CD. I'm sure now, that you won't always have to turn on the radio, and listen to whatever nonsense there is on the radio today. 

You must be wondering why I've been depressed for so long. I guess you could say, I lost hope in everything. I lost hope in finding true friendship, I lost hope in finding true love, and I lost hope in ever making it in the world. I don't think I'm particularly good at anything to get me noticed. And that makes me sad. 

Yes, I had faith. But something happened, and I'm not sure what it was. Was it the fact that I'm starting to realize that time passes by so quickly? And that in my life I'm destined to be forever alone? You asked me today if I believed in soulmates, and I told you yes. But I lied. I don't think I believe in that type of thing either. I'm not sure what I believe in.

My mother told me once that you should live life to the fullest, and that with God's will everything will happen the way it's supposed to happen. I wished that I was more prepared for my life, because this depressed feeling keeps coming over me, and I hate it. Isaac I did enjoy the kiss we shared, and you made me feel content and loved. And I'm sorry that I let you down if I did. Sorry if I was a bad kisser. Sorry that I wasn't a good enough daughter, because if I was, if I really was, then I'm sure both of my parents would've wanted to spend time with me.

I want to continue to keep the faith, I do! But I'm scared for tomorrow. I'm scared of disappointment because people always let me down. Lawson did by breaking up with me for Larissa Sansdine. And my mom hardly comes home in the day anymore, and my dad. I'm sure he's forgotten about me. Isaac, I can't say you would've let me down, and I can't say you wouldn't have. But I'm glad you were just finding who you are. So, there's a high chance you wouldn't have let me down.

I'm sorry for leaving so soon, but I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of feeling depressed and uncertain. Questioning myself for no reason; wondering if I'm pretty enough or good enough. Thinking back to the school day, hardly interacting with anyone, and thinking did I say anything wrong? I'm just a girl who sat by so-and-so in English, or Music Appreciation. No greater significance whatsoever.

I'm sorry I couldn't hold on anymore. I'm sorry to anyone I've let down. I'm just sick of this feeling of anxiousness, and depression. I want to cry right now even. But I can't get too emotional right now, or I won't be able to do what I need to do.

Isaac continue to figure yourself out. If not for me, please for yourself.

Sincerely,

                   Zoey

:: :: :: 

   When I woke up this morning, unexpectedly I didn't smell any pancakes cooking. But that couldn't happen, because I wasn't done yet. I still blacked out, and I thought that wouldn't have been the case. But it was!

   "It isn't tomorrow, is it?" I whispered to myself, sitting up. "Lawrie would've warned me, and Zoey would be alive...maybe she is alive. Maybe, I just blacked 'cause that's what just happens." I hoped.

   When I walked to the kitchen, there was a stack of burnt pancakes left on the counter, and a note next to the plate of suffering pancakes.

   It was a note from Mom.

   Isaac&Todd

   Your grandmother is doing better, but I'm going to have to stop by her place this evening. So, I went to work early today. 

   Isaac I need for you to drive your brother to school. Since he has soccer practice, there's no need to pick him up after school.

   Todd it's a school night, so if you're going over to Leyton's house for a little bit, you need to be home between 8 and 9. Because I won't be home until 11, the latest.

   Oh, and for dinner. Order pizza or chicken. I don't care which. Call me you two! Doesn't matter the time—I just want to know you guys are safe and well.

   ~Mom

  Yep. If waking up to no cooking pancakes—then, the burnt pancakes and the note was a good indicator that I was living in the now. And as grateful as I would've been awhile ago, I was slowly freaking out. So, to keep my nerves from getting the best of me, I told myself that Zoey was living and well.

  By the time I was done getting dressed, and Todd and I were out the door, I came to the conclusion that Zoey was all right. Lawrie would've came and talked my ear off it that wasn't the case.

  "So, how's soccer?" I asked Todd. I put the key into the ignition, and put the car in drive. "Are you getting more in shape? Or whatever?"

Todd took an earphone out of his ear. He looked rather annoyed, but it was surprising that I wouldn't have to repeat myself.

  "Yeah, it's going alright, I guess," he said nonchalantly. "Coach is just having us do drills and stuff. Hasn't assigned us yet."

  "Alright, cool. What are you listening to?"

  "Heathens by Twenty-One Pilots."

  "Oh, okay."

  We continued the rest of the drive to the middle school in silence. Todd continued to listen to his music, and look at his Instagram. 

  After awhile, I pulled up to the middle school, and Todd opened the car door. Stepping out of it.

  "Todd?"

  "Yeah?"

  "If you ever need me to help you practice soccer, just ask."

  Todd smiled a little. "Sure," he agreed, "See ya bro."

:: :: ::

  When I pulled into the parking lot of Warner High, I didn't see Zoey's familiar green Van.

  She might just be late, I thought. Putting my car in park, and taking the key out of the ignition, I got out and walked up to the entrance of the school. 

  Yes, I forgot about some of the things that had transpired yesterday. Honest.

  I forgot about the text message Grady sent me. I forgot about Simon Moore punching me, but how could I have done that? The evidence is right on my face; a big bruise. So, walking up to the school entrance, I saw Justice and Peyton making out. I didn't know how to particularly feel about that. If I did feel a little angry or stupid it was because of the fact that it looked like they wanted to rub it in my face; that they were together.

  Why didn't Zoey show right this minute? I should've seen her old green van pulling into the parking lot right then. Maybe in a minute or so.

  Thinking about that, I didn't see that Simon Moore had approached me. And this time, he pulled my hoodie causing me to stumble. "So, where's that one chick you fucked?!"

  I looked at him with the meanest look I never thought I had. "You don't know shit," was my response.

  He laughed, and looked at each of his followers who did the same. I couldn't believe I used to be one of them.

  "Where is she then?" Simon asked testily. "Is she afraid to show?"

  Everyone who stood in the entrance, and around it. Were looking at us. Everybody was quiet.

  "Get the fuck away from me man," I said with my teeth tight. "You don't know me."

  Simon Moore crossed his arms. "Whatever you say Isaac. Go fuck yourself, or something."

  With that said, Simon Moore and his followers walked away, and the crowd dispersed. From the corner of my eye, I could see Justice and Peyton just standing there and looking at me. Smirks were at their lips.

  "Isaac," Justice said in her usual time of voice. "If I'd known who you were breaking up with me for, I'd o' moved on a long time ago."

  They walked into the school, and I just stood outside for a little while longer. Waiting for Zoey to appear.

  She never did.

:: :: ::

  It was during second period when all the students were told to come to the gym.

  While I was walking to the gym, I overheard some of the things people were say in to each other; to friends 

  Everyone was clueless on why everybody was told to report to the gym, so basically everyone had their assumptions.

  "I heard some girl committed suicide."

  "Who do you think it was?"

  "I dunno."

  "I heard somebody had been caught with weed in the bathroom. It might just be a drug assembly, ya think?"

  "Nah. Maybe the guidance counselor wants to talk with everybody 'bout college and shit like that."

  "Yeah, maybe."

  For the first time in my school career, I sat with the weirdos and outcast. They didn't necessarily look alarmed, but they weren't very welcoming either. Was I expecting that?

  Fuck, I didn't know what to expect. I knew one thing though, Zoey was gone.

  Had it sunk in? Yeah. But I didn't know how to react just yet.

  It irked me how everybody here, at school, could just walk around and interact in their respective groups like nothing was amiss. They didn't know Zoey Graves took her own life. They didn't know her like I did.

  All the teachers, along with Mr Benjamin, walked into the gym with serious face expressions. I think one teacher looked to be in tears. Maybe I hadn't been the only one affected.

"May I have your undivided attention everybody," Principal Benjamin said into the mic he was holding. "...Undivided attention."

  I shook my head angrily at the fact that the whole student body was conversing with one another, and still talking. If it weren't for the time loop, I'd hate to think that I would've been one of the students still talking.

  Principal Benjamin still attempted to quiet everybody down, and if it weren't for Mr Hill nearly tripping over the mic chord, causing a loud screech to be heard from the speakers, his attempt would've simply been in vain.

   He smiled at the silence, and continued speaking. "Okay. Welcome everybody, you may be wondering why you were all told to report to the gym...Well, I bring to you some unfortunate news today. A classmate of yours has passed today."

  Then did quiet murmurs fill the room, and somebody screamed dramatically. I rolled my eyes and shook my head frustratedly. 

  "I wonder who the fuck it was," someone whispered beside me.

   I turned around and looked at them, giving them a harsh glare. 

  The person who said that looked like any outcast. Maybe someone part of Lawson's group.

  Speaking of Lawson, where was he? Didn't he know that his girlfriend went and offed her head? Or was he somewhere too busy canoodling with that Larissa chick?

  "Quiet please!!" Principal Benjamin demanded. "Quiet please!!

  Eventually it quieted down, again.

   "The students name was Zoey Graves. She was a very smart girl, and I'm sure at one point all of you had talked to her, right?"

  More murmurs came.

  "I think she sat beside me in Chemistry last year..."

  "I think she sat beside me in class too!"

  "You think?"

  "Didn't Lawson Denver go out with her?"

  "I wouldn't know."

  "She let me copy off of her homework in Financial Lit."

  This girl named Ruby Trent even had the nerve to start crying, and say, "She was my friend!" I knew Ruby, and she was the type of people who most likely talked about Zoey, as if she were a disease or some shit. Ruby was just being a two faced-hypocritical-liar.

  I used my pointer fingers as ear plugs, trying to block out everything. It was all too much.

  Mr Benjamin attempted to quiet everybody, and eventually did after five minutes. "Well, her funeral is tomorrow. And it would be nice if you went over to her house to pay your condolences to her mother, Naomi Graves."

  "What was her cause of death?!" Someone asked out loud randomly.

  "That hasn't been disclosed."

  Then out-of-nowhere, the principal opened up a letter he took from the secretary, who stood beside him. And he began to read it. "Dear, Isaac. Thank you..."

  My blood went cold. This couldn't have possibly been happening. Everyone's eyes at the same time landed on me. Horror was written on their face. Disbelief.

  Someone decided to give me the finger.

  Everybody was giving me a look, as if I killed Zoey, when in fact, I was trying to save her.

  What was happening?!

  For some reason, as the letter continued to be read aloud, I couldn't move my legs. They stayed there.

  Why couldn't I leave? I wanted to run, and go to Lawrie. Asking him why he didn't warn me.

  "Manipulator!"

  "Sicko!"

  "She killed herself because of some shitface like him..."

  Simon Moore and his followers pointed at me, and smirked. Their vengeance for me was justified.

  Everybody hated me,

  After Mr Benjamin was done reading the letter addressed to me, that Zoey wrote. He looked at me pointedly, like I had something to do with her death.

  "I- I, uh, I..." My attempt to explain myself wasn't very successful. Especially due to the fact that my mouth was suddenly very dry.

:: :: ::

  I woke up sweaty.

  It was a dream. It was a dream.

  It was only a dream.

  I could smell Mom's perfect pancakes.

  It wasn't tomorrow.

  I still had time.

  And Lawrie had indicated to me right then and there, I still had a chance.

  I still had a chance to save Zoey Graves.