Dear Zayne,

I just realized that this is my first letter to you.
But here it goes.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the complications in your life because of me. I'm sorry that in the process of rising up for air, I've been pulling you down. I'm sorry that I didn't see that you were drowning too.

I hope it isn't too late but I wanted to tell you all of it. You are not second in my heart to anyone. You are my husband and I love you more than anything in life. Maybe I'd hold a flame for him forever. But I burn a blazing fire for you.

I know I let myself dream of him, write about him. But that's all he is. A dream. You are my reality. A reality that I'm happy to wake up to.

Please don't mistake my guilt for regret. Please don't mistake my dwelling in the past, a time when life wasn't as complicated, as a lament of the present.

I met you nearly four years ago. It wasn't lost of me even then that you were everything I had wanted in a husband. But I was engaged. I couldn't allow myself to explore the possibility of us.

When I got to know you better, I realized how kind you were and how intelligent. If there was anything that attracted me to you back then, it was your brain. I found it fascinating, the way you broke things down and connected them to physiology. How you explained things to me. I had always been the one teaching, explaining, reasoning. But with you, it was different.

I didn't fit in during PG. You and Maya were my only friends. You were such a support during covid, when we were tired beyond belief, when we witnessed families being destroyed and faced the best and worst of humanity. I felt more connected to you then than I had with anyone before. I attributed it to trauma bond. I was engaged. It couldn't have been anything more.

Then you left. And I felt this emptiness, like there was something missing in my life. How had  you become so important to me? We had never even held hands. We hadn't spoken much outside of postings. But the thought that maybe I would never see you again was scary.

And then you moved in with him. It was just for a few months. But we spent a lot of time together and I felt closer to you than ever. I was engaged. I was careful not to cross any lines with you.

I noticed the way you stared at me. I noticed the change in the way you interacted with me.

But I also noticed the little acts of kindness - getting me dinner while I waited for him to come from his posting, the bathroom slippers you got me when you noticed I didn't have any, the way you helped me get two months of hepatology rotation here though you knew I would be staying with him during that time.

I didn't forget how you were there for me when I had been at my lowest, keeping aside anything you may have felt for me, just to help me.

Maybe I should have paid more attention to the signs that you were starting to fall for me. But I didn't want to. Because if you were in love with me, I would need to cut you off. Because I was engaged. I looked the other way, I didn't want to lose you.

And then you started to hint at your feelings for me. I pretended not to understand. You started telling me that he was not right for me. I didn't want to believe it. But you were right. We had been fighting, my relationship with him had become toxic. I just hadn't wanted to see it. I was engaged. Wasn't he my soulmate?

I had decided a long time ago that I would only date the person I intended to marry, that I would only be intimate with my husband. I was engaged, I did everything a wife would do with her husband with him. How could I be with anyone else after that?

And then he crossed the line, hurting me in a way I never imagined anyon would. I feared for my safety. I fears for my life.

I told my sister who told my parents. The wedding was called off.

I reached out to him desperate to want to keep alive the only love I had known, to keep the only man who had touched me, seen me. He had done the unthinkable but in my mind, he wasn't a monster. His actions were a result of his own trauma, a momentary loss in control. He had his demons but I could help him. I would save him from himself. But he asked me to leave, not because he didn't love me. He asked me to leave because he loved me too much.

In saying that, every harm that had come up on me from being with him became irrelevant, understood, accounted for. He loved me. He would love me forever. What do you do when someone says good bye forever but also tells you he would love you forever? I forgave him.

You though, you married me and I saw hope. Everytime I felt like I was drowning, I saw you and I knew I would be safe. When you held me on our wedding night, I knew that everything would eventually be okay. You were there. It was you with me. You'd get me through this. Just like you got me through the pandemic, the harrowing night shifts, the hardest year in PG. You'd know what to do.

Things were getting better and then approached my 'wedding date'. The date that had been set for my marriage with him. Anxiety bubbled within me. I didn't know how I would get through that day. But you showed up. I didn't remind you. I didn't even tell you how I felt. But you showed up, flowers in hand, a box of chocolates and a big heart pillow. You made me laugh when I had thought that sorrow would engulf me and I would never find my way out.

You had arranged a helicopter ride, a candle lit picnic. It was a dream date. I asked you about it and you said, "I knew it would either make you happy and laugh or you'd find it funny and laugh."

It made me happy. Not because of how extravagant or cheesy the date was but because of the thought and effort that went into planning and executing it. And the journal you gave me with the cover "Fifty shades of Pink!"

That night, I thought it would be right for us to finally consummate our marriage. It had been nearly six months. But I couldn't go through with it. I broke down and cried for him. After all effort you had put in. You held me. Like you always did. You held me and let me cry in your arms till everything was okay. And I knew everything would be okay. Because I was with you.

The first time we actually did make love though, it was beautiful. You didn't rush me. You asked me if I was okay, every step of the way. You were so gentle, so kind. And when I had tears in my eyes, you stopped. I wasn't crying because of him. I was crying because I didn't know what I did to deserve you.

Then  he posted himself singing "Aadat" and wrote that every breath he took was difficult and that he missed me. I couldn't bear the guily. I could see beyond his pain. My pain. I ran off to him. I didn't know what I would do once I got there but I needed to see him. Seven years of being intertwined with someone as closely as we were would do that to you.

But I came home to you, didn't I? You locked me out of the house for hours, refusing to let me in. Refusing to come home. Do you know why I stayed outside the door? Because I love you.

And when he said he wanted to talk, I asked you to come with me. I told you I cheated on you because of couldn't believe I had kissed him back.

I didn't realize you would think that I had been intimate with him. You told me you were leaving me. I had a choice that day. To end our marriage and go back to him. Or to do everything I could to fight for us.

I chose you. I chose you because I love you. Because you come first. You will always come first.

Not knowing then that it had been little more than a kiss, you still took me back. And I knew that with you, I would always be okay.  I woukd always be loved.

That night at the hospital when he tried to force himself on me, I had just one thought. You. I had one fear. That you would leave me.
But you stayed by my side. I felt safe, I felt protected. I felt like everything would be okay, because I'm with you.

Even with your parents cutting you off, you stayed by my side. You told me you loved me. You told me that you made a promise to Allah to cherish me. I knew everything would be okay. Because you keep your promises.

We finally moved in together. I was happy beyond belief. Moving into a new apartment, making a home out of it. You and me. I finally felt like everything was in fact okay. My broken pieces somehow started to fit together, and I bore some semblance to me again.

But today, I needed you. I needed you when I was having flashbacks of the last time I had a miscarriage. I needed you to be happy for me, for us. I needed you to see this as a blessing. When your mother accused me of cheating, I needed you to believe me.

I was angry because I had wanted this for you and me. But you didn't. I was angry because everything I loved about you seemed like a lie.
I was angry because I expect more from you than I have from anyone else.

I need you because I love you. I need you because I'm hurting and only you can make it okay.

I need you because you are my reality and you are more precious than any dream, any lie.

Love,
Naina

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