Chapter Four;

Dinner that night was... tense, to say the least.

Qian had directed Zuko to his room, following the acceptance of the others. They struck light conversation on the way, asking each other the basic questions: favourite foods, colours, animals. Qian had been a little surprised when Zuko confessed his fondness for the turtleducks. Though now she thought of it, she could understand why he would adore the tiny little critters.

When they'd reached the room Qian had offered to stay, but Zuko had opted for some time alone. She could understand that. Some time to gather his thoughts would probably be appreciated at that moment. She bade him farewell, and spent the rest of the time until dinner exploring the Air Temple.

At dinner, no one had talked much. Everyone had been absorbed in their own thoughts. All of them – even Haru, The Duke, and Teo – had suffered at the hands of the Fire Nation. Zuko was the Crown Prince, a walking reminder of all of that. Zuko offered some tentative smiles and received some in return, but people were still a little unsure how to act. Qian sat close to him, though, which seemed to relax him a little.

It had been a relief to retire to bed that night. Qian fell into the room she had claimed as her own and collapsed. The day had been draining – and she hadn't slept properly since before the invasion. She didn't even consider going off to help a village: she didn't have the strength. Her eyelids were heavy and she dropped off to sleep almost instantly.

She'd hoped for a restful sleep.

Instead, she was plagued with nightmares.

She saw a forest alight in flames – her flames. She felt the smoke in her lungs, threatening to choke her. She felt the heat searing against her skin, the burn in her legs as she ran. She dreamed of reaching out for her father has he walked away from her, but he was made of smoke, and she couldn't reach him. Her mother's voice screamed at her, cutting her deeper than any wound could, until Qian was consumed in her own flames.

Qian woke with a start.

Her breathing was ragged, and cold sweat clung to her body. She held the wall to steady herself, forcing herself to breathe. She placed a hand over her mouth to force herself to breathe through her nose.

In. Out. And again.

I don't think I can do this.

It had been a dream, to imagine herself in control of the flames inside of her. But she had lost control so terribly in the past. The prospect of firebending terrified her beyond measure.

Qian bit her lip. She had to talk with Zuko.

The moon still shone bright overhead, so she hadn't been asleep for very long. It was possible Zuko was still awake. Qian wrapped her arms around her body and trudged to the room she'd shown to Zuko earlier. When she arrived, the door was closed.

Qian rapped lightly on the door.

"Zuko?" she called. "Are you awake?"

Not a second later he responded, "I am."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Qian opened the door and stepped into the threshold.

Zuko's room looked very similar to her own, the only differences being their choice of decoration. Being on the run from the Fire Nation, they had very little they could lug around with them. Most of Qian's possessions were clothes. It looked like it was the same for Zuko – exempting a portrait of an elder man Zuko propped up against his bed. Qian recognised the man as General Iroh, Zuko's uncle. From what she'd last heard, he'd been imprisoned and branded a traitor.

Zuko sat up on his bed. Dark bags circled his eyes, and Qian wondered when he had last slept. Had he been awake all this time? If he had a lot on his mind, then it was plausible.

He stood when Qian entered "What's up?"

She sighed. "Nightmares."

"I can understand that."

Qian clasped her hands behind her back. She fixed her gaze just behind the Crown Prince. "Zuko... I'm not sure if I'm ready to learn firebending. I've shut if off for so long. I've become so frightened of myself."

Zuko gestured to her to sit down. Qian did so, the ground hard and uncomfortable beneath her skin.

"You don't have to learn if you don't feel comfortable. I've seen you in action – you're quite good with that bow. You don't need to firebend."

"No," she whispered. "A part of me wants to - I don't want to be scared anymore. But it's been that way for so long. I don't know what to do."

He frowned. "Do you need to talk about it?"

"I don't like remembering..." Qian bit her lip. "But that might help."

Zuko nodded. He stayed silent, but leaned forward, as though anticipating what she had to say.

I'm here, he seemed to be saying. I'm going to listen. Whenever you're ready, I will be willing to listen.

Qian closed her eyes and drew in several deep breaths. She felt feverish, as she always did when her thoughts strayed to the incident. She had spent so long shoving that memory in the deepest, darkest corner of her mind. If she spent too long thinking about it, Qian would splutter like fire struggling to find oxygen to burn off, and her body would begin to shut off.

It was the most traumatising thing that had ever happened to her.

Qian reached for that memory now. She felt like throwing up, recalling the pure terror and shame. Her breathing picked up, ragged in her chest. Qian felt like she'd run miles while suffering a fever. Her hands clenched into fists, nails digging deep into her palms.

Breathe. Breathe. Just breathe, Qian. You're not there. Get control of yourself.

"Qian. Qian!"

Zuko's voice cut through her panic. Qian's eyes shot up to find him kneeling before her, eyes wide. He gripped her hands in a gentle hold.

"Breathe," he said urgently. His voice had raised slightly in pitch. His grip around her wrists tightened, but he hastily slackened the grip again. "Look at me, Qian. I don't know – just breathe. Maybe try in time with me. That might work."

He was a fish out of water; his eyes darted around like an agitated insect. He had no clue what to do, but he was trying.

Qian's eyes rested on Zuko's chest, detecting the slight rise and fall of his lungs. She tried to do as he said and match those breaths – slow breaths, deep breaths, which filled her lungs with air and cleared her mind of her blind panic.

It took some time, but eventually her heartrate slowed to normal. The heat dissolved from her skin. Qian groaned and pressed her head on her knees, as though to shelter herself from her fear.

"Good." Zuko hesitated, then placed a hand on her back. He barely touched her. It even felt awkward, but the gesture was appreciated. "You don't have to tell me if you're not up to it."

It would be easier to do that, so much easier. It was what Qian had been doing all her life: working her way around her problem, avoiding it like it was a whirlpool. Even just touching the edge was enough to suck her in and consume her in its depths, suffocating her with fear.

Qian had grown up afraid. It had been hammered into her by her mother.

She was free from that environment now. She was her own person. She wanted to stand on her own two feet.

Qian realised she was going to have to be like an earthbender, like Toph, and face her problems head-on, rather than skirting around them.

"I've been running for too long," she whispered. Qian raised her chin. "I – I have to, Zuko."

He frowned, but nonetheless nodded. "Whenever you're ready."

Qian's entire mouth was dry. She forced herself to swallow, attempting to moisten her mouth with the little saliva she could produce. Her throat was thick. It was difficult to find the words to speak about it.

She hadn't spoken about the event in years.

You are stronger than this memory, Qian, she told herself. Remember the arrows you fired earlier today? You can do this. You can soldier on. You can and you will.

Qian focused on the aftermath of that battle. The satisfying twang of the string. The pride she felt when her arrows hit their mark – and the strength surging through her veins when she proved her mother's voice wrong. For a brief moment, she'd felt unstoppable.

Qian channelled that emotion now and wore it like armour. She dove for the memory once again, and though she felt her heartbeat increase, she focused on her breathing and managed to keep her head on straight.

"We came from a poorer town," she started slowly. "I was actually the first person in decades to be born there with the ability to firebend. I was so excited, but there was no one to train me, and my parents couldn't afford to send me off. So I tried to train myself." She paused, and took in a shaking breath. "I went into the forest and tried to summon the flames. The first few times, when it was just fire in my palms, I could do it. Then I tried to extend my abilities." Qian heard her voice tremble. What came next... She had to stop and take several deep breaths before she could continue. "I overestimated how destructive fire could be – I attempted to shoot a column of flames. It hit a tree and caught fire

"I panicked. If I had been in a decent mind space... But I wasn't. I was six, and I was terrified. I tried putting the flames out, but I only made it worse. I barely escaped the forest with my life, after I realised how out of control the flames were."

The memory was horrifying enough: the flames climbing higher and higher, refusing to obey her. The imposing wall they'd formed. The smoke, thick and grey, filtering into her lungs and choking her. The searing heat, feeling like it was burning her alive. The tears in her eyes, tears of pure terror, as she sprinted out of the forest to evade her death.

Qian knew she was remembering only a fraction of what actually happened. The event itself had been so terrifying, her brain was only able to process so much. But even what she did remember was enough to make her quake in her shoes.

Zuko shifted a little closer to her. He swallowed and placed an arm around her shoulders loosely, as though wondering if he was allowed to do that. When Qian moved closer to the warmth and reassurance his presence provided, his hold relaxed.

"Our village was used to chop firewood and construct basic materials, since we were situated in a heavy forest area. The military stationed there weren't happy. They wanted to find the perpetrator." A tear fell down Qian's cheek. "My - my father... He confessed to the crim. To protect me. He was arrested." The tears came faster now. "He gave himself up so I could be spared. I never wanted to firebend again since that day. I was terrified of what I could do."

There was more to the story, so much more, but that was all Qian could bring herself to face right now. Already her emotions were getting the better of her: it was like she had been holding the memories and fears behind a dam for years and suddenly yanked the blockage away and for the first time in years, she was allowing herself to feel.

She rested her head on Zuko's shoulder and, despite stiffening up at first in shock, he allowed her to cry. His shoulder was soon soaked through as all of Qian's bottled fears cascaded out of her body.

Even as she cried, she felt something loosen inside her. It was as though she'd been tied in a knot for years, a knot that only pulled tighter over the years. Now it was loosening, and Qian felt freer as a result. Not trapped. She'd started to share, to allow herself to feel terrified... It was almost liberating, getting all that fear off her chest.

Zuko squeezed her shoulders. "I'm so sorry, Qian," he murmured. "That is more burden than you should ever have had to bear. I know... My mother sacrificed everything for me, too."

Zuko told her what had happened to his mother: how Fire Lord Azulon had ordered Ozai kill his son, Zuko, as a punishment of attempting to undermine Iroh's birthright; how his mother had found out and to save Zuko's life, assisted Ozai attain the throne; how she had been forced into banishment just so her son could remain alive.

Qian wiped her eyes. "I had no idea," she croaked. "Zuko... I'm so sorry."

"It's okay. Once this is over, I'll find her. She might still be alive." He shook his head. "But this isn't about me. I just told you that so you'd know I understand what it's like, to lose someone, partly on behalf of you. It was his choice." He smiled. "Your father was a brave man."

Qian lowered her eyes.

She had been so close to her father. He'd been so excited to discover she was a firebender. He'd played with her, carried her on his shoulders so she could reach out and feel like she could touch the sky. He'd taught her to be kind, to help those who needed it. He'd made her hot drinks whenever she couldn't sleep at night, gave her warm hugs when she was scared, ruffled her hair whenever she played around.

She'd owed him the world, and she'd repaid him with a prison sentence. Qian had been passed out from smoke inhalation at the time. She hadn't learned out he was gone until she came around.

The guilt had never left her. She hadn't even been able to say goodbye.

"If I hadn't been so reckless..."

"Don't do this to yourself," Zuko said quietly. "You were six. You couldn't have known any better."

"I suppose."

It wasn't enough to fully convince her.

Zuko ran a hand through his hair. "Look... I know fire's destructive. The Fire Nation has burned places and people to the ground. But you don't need to fear it, per say. You just need to respect it."

Qian tried to smile. It didn't reach her eyes. "I'm still scared."

She'd been scared for years. Though she felt a little freer now, one cry was not going to solve all of her problems.

"That's only natural. But I'm your teacher for a reason." He indicated to the two of them. "You won't be on your own this time, remember. I'll help you."

Qian nodded. "Okay."

"Maybe we could try summoning a flame in your palm, to give you some confidence. This room is made of stone – it's not flammable. It will be contained."

Qian balked. Summon fire? Now? Where had that come from?

But looking at Zuko... He knew what he was doing. She wasn't six years old, attempting to wield fire in an environment that could combust in flames at any given moment.

And he smiled a small smile at her, and she could tell, he believed. But if she wanted to back out, he wouldn't argue. Ultimately, this was her decision, and whatever she chose, he would respect.

I don't want to be afraid. I want to be my own person. I don't want to live in fear anymore.

Qian licked her lips. "Right."

"Hold out your palm."

Qian did so. Her hand shook a little, but remained relatively steady. Considering her smouldering fear of her own ability, Qian was proud of how calm she was.

Looking at Zuko helped. He was a firebender. He was close. He could help her. She wasn't alone this time.

I'm not alone. I can trust him. He will help me. This place won't burn down. It's different this time. Remember that. Qian blew out a long, heavy breath.

"Imagine the flames there. Just sitting there. Firebending power comes from the breath, so focus on your breathing."

Qian nodded. She stared at her palm and took several deep breaths, inhaling through her nose and exhaling through her mouth.

Once she was in control, she tried to summon the flames. She stared at her palm, as though she could set it alight with her gaze. Her face turned red from the strain, but still, no flames appeared.

"Keep trying," Zuko encouraged. "Breathe. Feel it coming from inside of you."

Qian imagined there was a well inside of her, and by drawing her power out from those depths, she could summon her power. She was self-conscious of her breathing, and intentionally deepened it.

Flames sparked in her palm.

Qian was so shocked she almost fell. The flames started to sputter, so she regained her focus. The sparks grew to a tiny flame, which she held in her hand like something precious.

Qian gasped. Her body was trembling, but not from fear – from shock. "I - I did it!"

The flames grew a little in size. Qian flinched and hastily worked to decrease their size.

"Keep it steady," Zuko advised, though he was grinning at her.

Qian kept the flames going for a little while longer before she extinguished them. She stared at her palm a long time after the flames had gone out.

"I did it," she whispered. She was breathless. The world had turned upside down. Qian shook her head. "I was firebending."

Zuko clapped her shoulder. "You did well, Qian," he said earnestly. "I'm serious. To summon fire despite your fear is commendable."

Qian shivered. "Thanks."

It was a small step, but Qian felt like she'd just kicked down a wall. It was like she had been imprisoned but, slowly, she was breaking herself free, one step at a time.

"Would you be ready for a lesson tomorrow?" Zuko asked. "Or do you still want to just do this until you're more confident?"

Qian considered.

"I'll join," she decided, "Though I might be a slow learner. Aang's talented. You'll have to start us on different levels, I think."

"At whatever pace is comfortable for you."

*********

i hope this was realistic!! i did my best to ensure that i didn't romanticise qian's panic attack. tell me if i handled that scene well or if i need to revisit it

also i hope i kept zuko in character - he wants to help, but he's also an awkward little bean!