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2 years ago : May 2nd 2018

"Could you pass the ketchup?" Quinn says as we sit at our usual table for lunch.

Today, I have a ham and mustard sandwich with Doritos and a Coca Cola. And it tastes so good. Using the back of my hand, I wipe the corner of my mouth where some stray mustard is. Still hungry, I steal some of Esther's chocolate mousse, smiling smugly as I spoon it into my mouth.

Me and my friends talk about a recent maths test we did, comparing answers and seeing which ones we're more certain we got right. Were in the middle of talking about quadratic equations, when I see my boyfriend walking up to our table.

"Hey Allie, can we talk?" he says as he puts an arm around me, making my friends 'aw'. But it's less sweet than it looks. Gripping hard, his arm is tight against me. Too tight. Looking up I can see him smiling his charming smile but ushers me to leave somewhere else.

"Can i talk to you in like 10 minutes, i just wanna finish off talking to my friends about a test we did-"

"Allie, I said I want to talk now." His tone is threatening...dangerous even, and it sends chills down my spine. Why is he being so impatient? Surely he can wait 10 minutes while I finish up a conversation?

"And I asked you to wait, Thomas!" he's obviously had enough of my attitude as he grabs the top of my arm hard and starts to pull me out of my seat, "Thomas! Ow, get off your hurting me!"

He drops my arm once he sees people are starting to look but he still carries on having a go at me, "You never spend time with me Allie?! Why is that? Am I not good enough for you Allie?!"

I huff and raise my hands, "No it's not that Thomas! It's because everytime we're together, we fight and probably about something I've done wrong! And you can't deny we do it because we're literally doing it right now!" . 

He runs his hands through his hair and I stare at the people around us. They're all silent, desperate to find out what's about to happen in our relationship. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he whispers, "What's even the point of us being together you don't even try..."

"I try-"

"No Allie, you don't! Because you're always with him!" Throwing a hand at the other side of the lunch hall, he points at a group of boys who are also staring at us. Levi stands there midbite into a sausage roll.

My whole body flushes red at the mention of Levi, no matter how hard I try to restrain myself. Looking back up at Thomas and say, "Levi is my brother's best mate, and a close family friend. Stop being so dramatic, I just don't spend time with you because I'm always busy?!"

People watch as I stride back to my seat, bored of this pointless conversation. Holding up my sandwich, I take a big bite completely disregarding my boyfriend who stands speechless a few metres away.

"What is wrong with you Allie! You don't even care?!" He says as i shrug. My mental capacity to deal with one of Thomas's stupid arguments is at a minimum. And to be honest, I don't care? Yes, I care about him but these arguments...they drive me insane. Either way, it'll be over in around 17 minutes after we argue about how bad of a person i am again-

"I can't do this anymore- i...i just can't. I can do so much better than you Allie..."

My body goes still at his words. I can feel the loud thump of my heart as he goes silent. The way my heartbeat quickens, while my mind slows. It takes a few moments to process the words he said.

Over.

We're over.

"Okay." Is the only thing i can say without bursting out crying. There was no way in hell I was going to show him how he just made me feel.

Taking the spoon of Esther's chocolate mousse, I play the pot and scrape some of the last of its contents into my mouth. I gulp hard when I hear him groan and kick over some chairs that were stacked nearby.

"YOU DO REALISE I COULD HAVE ANYONE AND I CHOSE YOU?! GOD KNOWS FUCKING WHY, I MEAN LOOK AT YOU," his eyes scan up and down my body, making me feel uncomfortable under his scrutiny, "YOU LOOK LIKE AN OVERWEIGHT 10 YEAR OLD BOY!"

It feels as if a knife has been driven through my gut and gone straight through to the other side. In all my life I have never felt so ashamed and embarrassed about the way I look. And the fact it was my boyfriend who said it...it makes me feel more worthless than ever. I can't just brush it off like if it was a random person because he- he was supposed to love me. And you don't say that to someone you love.

Suddenly a teacher comes up behind Thomas but I'm already sprinting off, with my friends close behind, "MR BRENT I NEED YOU TO CALM DOWN AND COME WITH ME!"

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My friends surround me in the cubicle hugging me as I cry next to the toilet where my vomit floats on the surface of the water. The acidic taste lies bitter on the back of my throat. Patting my back, they mutter words of comfort as more sick comes up my throat.

In truth, I'm not exactly sure why I'm throwing up, but a part of me feels like it's my subconscious mind telling me that Thomas was right.

That I am overweight.

And even though I'm ignoring the feeling, I'm starting to think that I've always felt this way but I've just denied it my whole life.

Once my stomach is completely empty, I go to the school nurse who sends me quickly home. My mum doesn't ask questions as we sit in silence on the way back to our house, but instead gives me a subtle side eye every few minutes to check if my body has moved from its frozen position. She opens my car door and leads me slowly into the house.

Once we're inside, I go straight upstairs. A few moments later she comes in, lays some water and crackers next to my bed and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "I'm not going to ask what happened Allie, but if you're ready...when you're ready you can come to me and I'll just listen," she says as she's leaving the room. I shake my head, nodding at her request and press play to 'Love, Rosie', pulling my headphones back over my ears.

But only 15 minutes in I start to feel the tears fall down my face like they were in the toilets.

He betrayed me.

He made me feel worthless.

Broken.

Like I was nothing.

Tears fall faster as I sit alone in my room, isolated from happiness. My heart thumps against my chest and I can hardly breathe. My lungs feel as if they're closing off as my mind flashes back to the things he said to me. Thomas Brent has left me with open wounds when his words slashed against my skin. He's left my mind whirring at a million miles per hour with no sign of stopping. And a hole is growing from where he ripped out my heart and tore it into pieces.

I drag my body to Ezra's room, searching through drawers with reckless desperation. I don't stop until I find the box of alcohol under his sock drawer.

One bottle.

Two bottles.

Three bottles.

Scooping up a collection of half empty bottles of various alcohols, I wipe away a stray tear and strom back to my room.

The first drink I chug was the gin, a depressant. But then I switch to vodka, then whiskey, then back to gin. I refuse to stop until I'm laying in a pool on the floor with Trainwreck by James Arthur, blasting out of my speakers nearby. My mouth mutters the lyrics under my breath as I lay there feeling numb.

As far as I'm aware, there's no one left in the house. But then if there was, I'd be sure that somebody would've checked on me by now.

Unbreak the broken
Unsay these spoken words
Find hope in the hopeless
Pull me out of the train wreck
Unburn the ashes
Unchain the reactions, I'm not ready to die, not yet
Pull me out of the train wreck
Pull me out, pull me out, pull me out
Pull me out, pull me out

The door opens slowly, revealing Liam staring at my limp body. His eyebrows knit together and his nose scrunches up in confusion. Taking cautious steps, he walks towards me and bends down beside me. He whispers my name but I don't respond.

Instead the corners of my mouth just turn up slightly for the first time since lunchtime. A small palm strokes my hair and he kisses my forehead.

"Allie?" he asks. This time i dont move at all.

"Allie?!"

My voice is slurred when I speak but I manage to get out a few words, "Don't worry Liam, I'm okay..." but when he sees my look of discomfort, he shakes his head and demands that he should get me something to drink. He stumbles off to the kitchen and returns swiftly with a tall glass of water. I gulp it down however my head still aches.

My head throbs at the sound of the music but I don't care. The hurt from the headache eases the pain of Thomas. But the thing that hurts the most is that even though I hate him with everything I have...

I still love him.

Or at least I loved the validation he would give me that would finally make me feel alive.

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Liam sits beside me in silence as we stare at the stars from my window seat. Droplets trickle down my face as he squeezes my hand softly in comfort. The stars twinkle through my tears, making them sparkle in the darkness, looking dangerously beautiful as they speckle the sky like splashes of paint. Now I understand Liam's fascination with stars. They're captivating.

"I love you Allie," Liam whispers as he cuddles up next to me. I smile and tell him that I love him more. Liam moves his body closer to mine and grips onto my finger.

"Your boyfriend is stupid," he says out of nowhere. Looking up in shock, I chuckle and kiss his forehead in a motherly way.

"Ex-boyfriend, remember," I correct him. Playing with the white blinds that sit open, I frown at the thought of no longer having a boyfriend. But then I guess it had to end.

Liam nods his head repeatedly, then sneezes before carrying on talking, "Well yes, ex-boyfriend. He was very stupid because he lost you," he climbs over to my ear and whispers the next bit even though were the only people in the room, "I didnt like him very much though so I'm happy he's left. And you don't need to worry Allie, there are plenty more fish in the sea!"

Looking over to the window, he crawls up to the glass and presses his face up to it in fascination, "If you look here," his small hand points to a single star in the sky, "That's you. And that ugly shaped one next to it is Thomas."

Chuckling, I join him next to the window to get a better look at his odd analogy. He takes my hand softly in mine and points to the stars in the sky, "And now, all of these are your little fishys. You can have any of them, Allie. Any of them."

And it was at this moment I knew that things were going to be okay.

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