August 25, 2018
Dear Diary

I'm scared of happiness,
Because it always leaves

I'm scared of loving people,
Because they always vanish

I noticed that the things that unravel a smile across my lips,
Always manages to fade away

I fathom that the deadliest things in life,
Are permanent
They won't ever leave not vanish,

Though the things that unravel a smile, the things that actually make me happy,

Always leave me after awhile.

~~~~~~~~~~

“You okay?” I hear a voice ask me. I look up and see Shannon, sitting down in the desk front on me.

“I'm fine. Why?” I ask.

“You kinda freaked out at lunch.” She said in a sympathetic voice.

“I'm fine.” I said again, trying my hardest to smile.

Shannon sighed, she saw right through me. “I know your not. And although I can't force you to talk about it. I'm here if you want to.”

I don't know what to say to that. No one ever talked to me like that before. Told me they were there for me. Not even, Caroline. I was always the the there for her, so it didn't leave a lot of time for her to be there for me. I couldn't say what I was feeling because I had to be strong, for her. I bury things deep inside me so often, it's just a reflex to pretend like nothing is bothering me.

“Its, it's, Evan. I don't know what's going on with him.” I whisper. Truthfully it's not just Evan that's killing me inside. It's a little bit of everything though I cannot describe it.

“What do you mean?” She asked.

“Well I think I might like him, like, like-like, him. But he's so totally into you.” I tell her. Truthfully, there's not much that indicated that Evan had any feelings for Shannon. Though she's tall, pretty and skinny, how couldn't he like her? How couldn't he pick her over me?

“Me?” She exclaimed and than started to laugh. “He better not, he knows me and Markie are dating.”

“What?” I almost choked on thin air.

“Ya, Markie is my boyfriend. Evan knows that.” She laughed again. “Look Bella, I see the way Evan looks at you. He really likes you, believe me.

“I just thought-” I couldn't even finish the sentence, I felt so embarrassed. “I made a complete fool out of myself!” I dropped my head into my hands.

“Don't worry girl.” She tries to comfort me.

“But he grabbed my hand, and I rushed out like I wasn't interested. He probably thinks I'm a total weirdo.” I mumble into my hands.

“Only one way to find out. Come skating with us.” She said to me. “You can talk to him there, talk things out and say how you're feeling.”

 I'm not sure if I actually would want to do that or not, though I know no matter what, I couldn't. “I really can't, I have plans with my friend Caroline and I can't blow them off, no matter what.” I tell her, even though I really want to go.

“It's cool Bella.” She smiled at me. “And don't beat yourself up over what happened. Boys forget things really quick.”

We both smile and let out a small laugh.

I walk to the art room, feeling slightly better about everything. Shannon was a good friend, saying those words, even just to myself, sounds weird. I've never had another friend besides Caroline. So to call somebody new a 'friend’ is a strange but also nice change. I walked into the art room and sat down by Marquis. He was drawing in his book and didn't notice me until I slammed my books on the table quite loud.

He jumped, than looked up at me. He seemed frightened for a second but then a large smile girl on his face. That's a new thing as well, seeing someone actually smile when they see me. “Hey hey pretty lady!” He said to me with a goofy grin.

“Hey Marquis.” I said sitting down next to him.

“Oh please no girl, Marquis is my father, and no one wants to be like him. Call me Markie.”

I laughed at him, if I didn't know he had a girlfriend, I would call him my official GBF. “Well then, Markie.” I nudged his shoulder a little bit. “You didn't tell me about you and Shannon.”

“Well to be quite fair I've only known you for like a day.” He laughed. “And quite frankly when I tell people I have a girlfriend they tend to laugh.” He told me.

“What? Why?” I asked in a more serious tone.

“Because I'm so obviously gay!” He laughed. But when he saw my expression go blank he just laughed harder. “Girl, girl, I'm joking. I literally have a girlfriend.”

“Doesn't  it mean you're not gay.” I wink at him.

“Girl, your too much.” He said as he waved his hand in the air dramatically. “Off with my boring little love life, let's talk about yours. You made quite a scene at lunch when Evan touched your hand.” He leaned in real close to me and put his elbow on the table and his chin on his hand. Then he lifted his glasses the bridge of his nose, and puckered his lips together.

“Oh no not this again.” I sigh as I roll my eyes. “Can we please not talk about how much I humiliated myself.”

“But that's the best topic!” He whined. I playfully punched him in the arm and he pretended like it hurt. “All right all right, well, if you don't want to talk about you, let's talk about me!” He smiled as he clapped his hands together.

All during class we drew as we talked about random things. We went on about fashion, how Riverdale makes no sense, types of music and how we both despise rap. We talked about our shared love of candles and even ended up on the topic of green. It was a fun class just to unwind and chill out. It almost made me forget about the whole lunch incident.

Would Evan think I was too weird? would he think that me freaking out was a sign not to date me? Did he even like me at all? Maybe his hand touching mine was a complete accident and I freaked out over nothing. Or maybe he did like me, maybe we can actually be something. Maybe.