August 25, 2018
Dear Diary

Maybe not today

Or tomorrow

Or even in a year

But eventually

Things will turn up

Things will get better

You will get better

You'll be able to look back

And say with relief

“I made it.”

     There will be those days that really, really suck. The ones where you just feel like all hope is lost and you want to curl up in a ball and die. But when you hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. So as those days may seem so terrible in the moment, they're actually quite nice. Because no matter what happens tomorrow, it will always seem better.

Today is a prime example of that, just like any day it was not perfect, though it was a whole hell of a lot better than yesterday.

I sat in my usual spot at the little Cafe me and Caroline always go to. I write in my diary as I sip my drink. I see Caroline walk into the store and I'm overjoyed when I see that she's not with anyone else. “Hey!” I say as I stand up and wrap my arms around her. “I'm so happy that we decided to do this! I hate fighting with you. I missed you so much!”

She hugged me back, though when we pulled away, her face said anything but happy. “What's wrong?” I asked, getting slightly worried.

“Bella, please, don't be mad at me.” She pleaded.

“Why?” I asked her worriedly. “What happened?”

“Bella, I want you to know that i'm so so so sorry. I really wanted to hang out with you today.” She said incredibly fast. “But, I can't.”

“What?” I said, my smile dropping from my face.

“The volleyball girls are hanging out, and I think I'll have a better chance of making the squad if I hang with them.” I said nothing, nor did I express what I was feeling onto my face.  She was trying to read me, see what I was feeling and thinking. Though at that second, I didn't even know. Am I mad? Upset? Hurt? I think a mix of everything. Everything emotion besides understanding. I get that she wants to make the Volleyball team. I get that she wants to hang out with other people. Though we had plans, and she just ditched me as soon as a better option came along. I had plans too, I could have gone out with a really cute and awesome guy, though I didn't! I stuck to our plans because I knew they were important! I knew we had to get over our stupid fight and just talk. Though, apparently making the Volleyball team is more important than her best friend.

“Say something.” She said, after a long silence.

I wanted to explode, say everything I was feeling. Though I just let a single tear slips down my cheek as I said “I can't do this anymore. I can't be your second choice, or backup. I can't be the person you just ditch when something better comes along. I can't let you make me feel like crap when I your supposed to be my best friend. I guess that word means something different to you than it does to me.” She stood there silent, maybe shocked at how calm I was, or what I said, or maybe she just didn't care. Though I stared her in the eyes, and when she said nothing, I walked passed her out of the Cafe. And she didn't stop me.

I took a slow walk to my house, though it wasn't me who took the walk. My body moved though my subconscious was not there. I was lost in my mind that wasn't thinking much, I just kept on playing the conversation in my head, I regret nothing that I said, nor do I regret not yelling at her. I feel as if my part in the conversation was perfect, I wouldn't go back and change a thing. Though her part, was less of a part and more of a stare. After she told me that she was going to ditch me, ditch me on the plans that she originally made, the ones that we were supposed to make up in, the ones were we would become best friends again, after she said that she was going to ditch me in those plans, she just remained silent. Saying nothing, just staring at me. I wish she said something, I wish she didn't just stare at me, I wish she would have apologized, explained herself a little. Even if she tried all I heard was that she was picking them over me, because wasn't she?

I wanted to scream though before I knew it I was sitting outside of my house. I quickly went inside and I saw my parents in the living room, they either didn't realize I was home or they didn't acknowledge it.

I went up to my room, opened the door and threw my bag on the floor. Though I left the lights off. The curtains were covering my windows so the room was rather dark. I went over to my bed and sat on it, pulling my knees to my chest and just sitting there. Not knowing if I wanted to scream or cry, so I just sat there. In the silence.

I let myself be buried in the thoughts of my head. I let myself sink into the deep darkest despair that I normally refuse to let myself go into. I let myself go to the part of my brain where I push everything down, hide all of my feelings, and keep away from everyone, including myself. Though here I am, in the darkest part of my head just trying to search for some light. Trying to stop myself from falling down deep into a hole that I cannot get out of.

Why do I only have one friend? And why does everyone seem to like her more than me?

Why is she turning on me and choosing new people over the person who's been with her for years?

Why am I so fat and ugly?

Why have I never had a boyfriend before?

Why has everybody always had a crush on Caroline yet no boy has ever liked me?

Why am I so socially awkward and can't seem to talk to anyone?

Why do I caused so many problems?

Why do my parents like my sister more than me?

Why do I feel as if I try my hardest yet I never good enough?

Will I ever be good enough?

I reach over to my phone and I put on the one song that really speaks to me when I'm feeling down. I turn on “You Say” by Lauren Daigle.

I sit there, hugging my knees, staring at my wall like it is the only thing left in the world. I feel tears run down my face, though I make no sound. They just run down my face and I don't try to stop them. I just let my eyes go blurry and my cheeks wet.

I sit there, staring at my wall for what feels like an eternity.

Why does this always happen to me? It has to be my fault. Something has to be wrong with me. It's the only explanation.

As the song comes to a end, I see my phone glow beside me, creating the only light in the room. I look over to it and see the very last thing I thought would be on there.

Evan: Hey, U sure U can't come roller skating with us? It would be awesome if you were there

A tear drop slips off my check and falls into my phone screen, creating a small splash. I stare at the text for a long while. Through the blurry reflection of my phone, I see someone staring back at me, someone who is wearing a peculiar expression on their face.

A simile.