Isha

The expectation of Calix not waiting at the doorstep longer than ten minutes, or perhaps even five, and the desire to have him wait for me and suffer and wonder for my return, creates a perfect contradiction of thoughts. But it is only natural the former will become my new reality and we will forget today's reunion that passed by like a nightmarish but ridiculously joyous blur. None but an insane person will only wait for their ex, in the bitter cold, wintry weather, when they know (or, think) that the other person is on a date. It is utterly ridiculous of them to loiter around when they are the same person to hurt and break off the perfect relationship with their ex. Waiting, apologizing, confessing, all done at the one and same time by them, wouldn't make the entire hilarious scenario appear less irrational.

Oh but how did I forget? Love ruins all sense of rationality and just as I speed up my pace to perhaps have a glimpse of the man, I find him there too. Still waiting. Even after it has been over two hours now.

Calix is sitting at the front porch, and on the cold concrete doorstep, having few freckles of snow here and there. His nose is red from the snow and so are his cheeks, as he hugs himself and rubs his arms up and down. No winter clothes, nothing. Just how he had come to me, running and desperate, he stayed the same. He did not even call for someone to bring him warm clothes, nor did he take a moment to go back and possibly return all dressed up warmly. He stayed and remained unmoved, this entire time.

"You are still here." The voice breaks even though I try for it to not.

A wind blows past by the moment Calix's deep blue eyes meet mine, his head jerking up almost instantaneously. From what it seems, the prince finds it unbelievable to have me standing in front of him. Trying to appear as cold as ice but failing wretchedly.

"Isha. Are you here?" A tremble ripples through him, mirroring the own tremor of my beating heart. Calix stands up, approaching me with staggering steps. They are slow, they are uncertain, they are seeking for my permission. "I have been hallucinating you so much since the time I last saw you, that it's hard to believe you came back early," he chuckles weakly before hesitatingly uttering, "From your date."

When he sees me not protesting or replying, his strides fasten and in a blink of an eye, I find myself in his embrace. But I do not hug him back. My arms, which are wanting so bad to tighten the grip around him, stay limp by my sides. A breath of relief leaves Calix, as his lips press on my clothed shoulder.

"My life is incomplete without you, I have finally realised. And trust me when I say this, Isha. I have never been happier before to realise something."

When he feels me not replying, he speaks. Faster. With heartache dripping down his tone.

"I know it is hard to believe everything that comes out of my mouth when I not long ago behaved like an idiotic jerk towards you," a bitter chuckle leaves him, "But I just want to say, you are my first love and similarly, my last love. And if you'd..." he trails off, "If you would give me an opportunity to explain myself, I will. Perhaps, you want to—are moving on from me and I will not hold you back. I will not, even though it will rip me apart to see you with Harvey or any other man who is not me. But I will do so, silently and bear the pain, do you know why?"

"Why?" I manage to croak the word out.

He pulls away from the embrace but still having a tender hold on me as he looks into my eyes, deep with passionate love. Only for me. "If you are happy, I am happy. And I will do anything in this world to keep you safe, protected and happy, even if it means sacrificing my own happiness. Because, I love you. And I will always love you."

"This isn't fair," surprising me, a sob bleeds through as my fists meet his chest, "You cannot just pretend everything is fine when it is not! Nothing is." Calix's fingers delicately wipe my trickling tears but I do not move away from his touch, nor does he stop me from putting my punches on his chest. "You cannot, you cannot," wet hiccups follow suit, "Avoid me like I am a stranger for four days straight and then when I try to understand you, communicate and perhaps figure out whatever shit you are going through—together...you push me away. Harshly."

"Isha—"

"Do you know how it feels to wake up to an empty after having sex with the man you love, for the first time?" The shaky breath I have been storing inside, releases from me when memories of that exact day rushes through my mind. "Do you know how it feels to be abandoned, Calix?"

"Yes." His voice cracks. Of course he knows.

"Well, I did too." My smile hardens. "But it didn't pain me before, as much as it does now. It feels horrible and all sorts of doubts, insecurities that you have tried your best to run away from, captures you. Your mind fills up with nasty thoughts and one thing leads to another. I tried Calix. I tried to remain positive. I told myself over and over again that Calix would never play with me, Calix would never think of what we have between us as a mere infatuation. That Calix would never hurt me." My tearful eyes meet his and I suppress the expression of shock witnessing his very own tears, now leaking out of those oceanic eyes. "But guess what Calix? You hurt me. More than Killian ever did."

"Isha," Calix sobs murmuring my name over and over again like a chant as his grip tightens, as if he is afraid that I will disappear from his sight any moment now. His breath hits my neck when he trails soft kisses up them, uttering words of apologies, whilst his tears wet my coat. "I was a coward. I was a foolish coward. I lied Isha. I lied to protect you. I thought I was protecting you, and you'd be happy living a safe life but I was wrong Isha, so very wrong."

I wait for Calix to finish speaking what he had to. And he explains everything. Beginning from the email and call he had received at Fleurina, former Queen Veronica's betrayal, his sudden change of status, King Richard's orders and threats to harm me, His Majesty forcing a fiancée onto Calix (and both the parties not wanting the marriage), realisation of the certain Syncitian law, and ultimately his decision to not alone ascend the throne, and rather do so, with Carlos. Everything. He spills everything while shedding tears and hugging me close. When he finishes explaining, Calix gives me space to gather my thoughts. Because this? This situation is more bizarre than I thought it was.

The first thing I felt was utter anger towards His Majesty. Queen Veronica's betrayal was shocking for sure but I cannot fathom how evil could a father be to sacrifice his sons' happiness, make decisions for them when they are perfectly capable of making their own, just to please his selfish reputation and the so-called royal lineage.

"Isha," Calix whispers into my neck, "Please say something, sweetheart."

I close my eyes, even now trying to collect the scattered thoughts. "I don't know what to think."

"If you still don't believe me, it's fine," Calix begins urgently, "I can give you evidence—"

"It is not that I do not believe you, Calix. But it is the fact you have kept me in the dark. I understand and I am thankful to you for protecting me but, there could have been better ways to keep me 'protected', Calix. If you had simply explained the circumstances to me, then I would've have helped you through highs and lows to find a solution.

You gave up so easily on us. And that is what's hurting me."

"I wanted you to hate me," Calix's throat moves up and down, the nerves deepening in his face, "It killed me to say such harsh words that I could never even imagine myself to utter. To you, Isha. But I had to force myself."

My eyes graze over his bandaged palms which I unknowingly touch in concern. "What happened?" And then my gaze goes over to his swollen cheeks, questioning.

He chuckles sadly, "Well, I deserved to bear such a little pain of pierced glasses after pulling such a dick move. As for my bruises, let's just say, it was necessary as well to bring me back to my senses."

My eyes widen in realisation. "Did Lola...?"

He nods, a soft laugh leaving him, "She did inflict upon minor injuries and the rest was done by Carlos. I must add, Lady Crystal had a part in talking the sense into me too. In fact, she was intrigued by your personality and wanted to befriend you, after your meeting with Duchess Leonora."

Calix's smile disappears seeing me not lightening up despite the air being cleared up. "Are you dating Harvey or anyone else?" he questions abruptly.

"No." There is no reason to lie to him anymore, I figured. But did that decrease all the negative thoughts in my mind? It did not.

"Isha then, please allow me one chance to make everything right. Tell me what I have to do, and I shall do so." Calix's eyes shine with determination with the lingering desperation.

After a moment or two, I speak my mind, the tears from before now staining my cheeks. "To be honest with you Calix, I don't know. It is all a blur and I don't know what to think anymore. Yes I am aware of the reason of your actions but it is also true that you could have chosen another path. A path which wouldn't have unlocked my past insecurities. And a path which wouldn't have made me realise that after all, I am none but a common citizen of this country. Not worthy of your status."

"No Isha," Calix immediately retorts in protest, "You are not just anyone to me. No status, title or amount of wealth can equal to you. You are the woman I love and will always love. So please, please do not let the false words I had said that night to make you hate me, take control of your mind." Calix gently brushes his lips against mine. It wasn't a kiss but it was enough to make me feel as if my body has started its respiration process again.

"You are my sun, Isha because my entire world revolves around you."

As a romantic since I was a little girl, I had always dreamt of my 'the one', addressing me as the moon of his life. But never had I ever thought that being considered equal to sun by the man I love, will feel even more surreal.

"If you claim to be so in love with me, why did you not confess back that night?" my voice appears small when I let out those words holding me in a chokehold.

Calix's eyes soften, his fingers tracing lines on the small of my back. "I thought I didn't deserve you. You are a wonderful woman Isha who deserves the very best for everything. I thought...I thought that you do not deserve a coward, bastard prince like me. The insecurity only increased by each day when I couldn't stand up against His Majesty to protect our love.

But not anymore." Calix's forehead presses against mine once again, his voice dripping with genuineness, "And I mean it. Now I know what a wrong step I was taking. You will be happy. With me. Give me one chance to prove how much I am willing to win you and our love back, Isha. Please."

I close my eyes with a shaky sigh. "I don't know, Calix. It's not easy. Relationships require communication—"

"One chance." Calix presses further. "That's all I ask of you. Let me prove myself to you. I can be your the one. No insecurities. No fear. No politics. No throne. Just you, me and our love this time, Isha."

A single tear slips out of my eyes. "I must be repeating myself but it is very hard to forget everything, forgive you and move on with our lives together. Especially when the seeds of doubt—of our relationship not being compatible enough, is already planted deep in my mind."

"And I promise to dig the seeds out before they can properly grow into plants. Don't forgive me now. Take as much time as you require. Meanwhile, I will try everything possible to prove to you, that I have changed. For the better," Calix whispers into my hair, wiping off the tear in the meantime. His own tears stream down, the salty liquid mixing with the smile ornamenting his face. "And you know what, Isha?" His wet chuckles hit me before, quivering, he says something I had least expected.

"Hurt me. Break me. Shatter my heart into pieces. Ruin my soul. Use me, if you must. But please...please don't hate me."

"Why?" My voice trembles.

"Because I love you, and this heart? This heart is all yours. Forever and more."