Gem and Creed:

Gem: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
Creed: Killed without hesitation.
Gem: No.

Gem, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium
today!
Creed: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Gem: WHAT'S YOUR TYPE
Creed: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially
Gem, desperately, as Creed bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE
Creed: Oh! B positive.
Gem: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE
Creed:

Gem: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming
Creed: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak

Gem: Ok, maybe playing 'Whose family is most dysfunctional' wasn't the best idea we've had. Creed's been crying in the bathroom for an hour.
We can't get them out...

*Gem and Creed skipping stones on lake*
Gem: It's such a beautiful evening.
Creed, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

Gem: What is your biggest weakness?
Creed: I can be uncooperative.
Gem: Okay, can you give me an example?
Creed: No.

Gem: Creed... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Creed: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Gem:
Gem: I wrote sanitize, Creed.

Gem, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something.
Creed: I saw a squirrel in a tree
today!
Gem, with the tone of someone who is used to Creed: Outstanding.
Gem: This is what I'm talking about people.

Gem: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.
Creed: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

Gem: Someone will die.
Creed: Of fun!

Gem: Hey, you want some leftovers?
Creed: What's that?
Gem: You've never had leftovers???
Creed: No, because I'm not a quitter.

Creed: Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year... is me. That's right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.

Creed: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

And here's a random ESMP season 1 one because it was just too damn perfect—

Sausage: I was thinking I'd do some magic-
Gem: You? Magic? Sausage, it says talent show.