Merrick

Seconds, minutes, and hours tick by as I remain immobilized in my car exactly at the same place where I had been last since I saw Monica and Liam together on that balcony of his house.

There are times in life when you become completely void of any emotions. And the present moment tastes somewhat like it. I don't feel angry, nor do I feel hurt. I just feel numb. Absolutely numb.

I don't know why am I even surprised when I was expecting the same thing that I have witnessed to happen since last night when I saw that message. The insensibility begins to dissipate from my body, filling it now with re-emerging raw anger. Inadvertently, the images of them both kissing replay again and again in my mind, and I can't help but wonder where did I go wrong. There hasn't been a single day when I didn't let Monica know how immensely I loved her. Then why did she do this to me? Of course, there were times when we were both engrossed in our works, trying to focus on prospering our careers, but that didn't give either of us the liberty to be disloyal.

I sigh and pull myself out of the awful trance when the dark sky shadows my surroundings. It's already night, and Monica is probably still in there with that bastard. I wouldn't have to be a genius to know what they would be doing together.

Sinking back in my seat, I close my eyes and try to reminisce about the slightest moments of our relationship. I see nothing but a blur of ugly darkness.

When I open my eyes, I let out a painful exhale and then turn my car to speed towards my house.

Having no clue about how I managed to get back in this state, I slowly register my surroundings when I park my car in what looks like my very own driveway. Pushing through the large double door, I sprint inside hurriedly. The house is dark, and it makes me assume that Claire and Anna are asleep. Usually, Claire would be waiting for me when I used to get back late from work. She didn't complain about it ever, but I felt bad for keeping her up late at night, so I instructed her to go to sleep, leaving the food on the table whenever it was past my usual time.

I am glad she isn't up for another reason, too. Because if she was awake, I had to confront her, and I wouldn't have known the way to explain my state of despair to her. Without having any other thought, I head straight to the ornate wet bar situated at the corner of the dining room. Taking out a glass from the cabinet, I pour myself a whiskey and plop on the stool in front of the counter. I look at the glass and then look back at the dining table where Monica was sitting yesterday. Now I know the reason why she was acting so distant.

I clutch the glass in my hand with a feeling of betrayal looming in my heart. I wish I could empty the whole bottle that's in front of me, but I know I can't. This is not the time. I need to be sober to have this conversation with Monica. This needs to be settled tonight. Whatever the hell is going on with her and Liam needs to fucking brought in the light for me. And only Monica can do it. Our future depends on what Monica has to explain, and I am not leaving her without getting my fucking answers.

I trace the rim of the glass with my fingers as silent tears fall from my eyes. It feels like an eternity has almost passed until I hear the front door creaking. I straighten up but don't make an attempt to move from my stool.

I watch Monica making her way inside the house hurriedly. Her steps are cautious, and I know the reason behind them. When she is about to reach for the stairs, her eyes catch the moment of my arms. She begins to walk towards me and gasps when she notices me sitting at the bar on the other end.

She comes closer, and I stand up, startling her. "Oh, Merrick, you scared me!" She places her hand over her chest and sighs. "What are you doing being as quiet as a creep...huh?" She laughs shakily, and I just stare at her. "Why aren't you asleep yet?"

"Where were you, Monica?" I ask in a low voice as I tilt my head to look into her eyes, ignoring her question.

"I was with a friend." She says with a tinge of nervousness, taking up her tone now.

"Which friend?" I question, and she averts her gaze from me for a minute. But I don't miss the slight tremble of her lips.

When she looks back at me, I notice the fine lines of annoyance appearing over her forehead. "What's up with you today? Why are you being so interrogative?" She huffs.

"Tell me one thing. Do I look stupid?" I say, getting up from the stool and storming towards her. "You were with that fucking bastard Liam, weren't you?"

She says nothing in response, but I can see very well a mix of shock and anger glazing on her face.

"How long has this been going on?" I ask, my nose flaring in anger as I stand in front of her. She takes a step back and crosses her arms, still not meeting my gaze.

I put my hands on her arms and shake her up.

"Tell me what you and that asshole were doing together?" I spit, making Monica clench her jaw. "Floating around in a paradise?"

"Come on, Monica. Speak up?" I seethe, keeping my voice low, making sure that Claire and Anna don't wake up.

She doesn't look at me, and I rock her shoulders again, losing my patience. "That son of a bitch just lured you with his charms, didn't he?"

"Enough, Merrick, what's wrong with you?" Monica pushes my hands away and finally looks at me with a frown. Crossing her arms over her chest again, she glares at me. "Yes. I was with Liam, and we had an amazing night together. If that's what you wanted to know."

I stare at her in disbelief, hearing her confession. "Monica?"

"Don't act like this caught you off guard. You weren't blind, Merrick. You knew this was going to happen one or the other day..."

"Oh, I see. So you were not happy with me?" I ask her, feeling a bit shredded and stunned.

"It's not about being happy, Merrick." She sighs. "You know what? I'll tell you." She shakes her head and I look at her in confusion, waiting for her to continue. "I never wanted to marry you in the first place, Merrick. Before meeting you, my life was different. I had a nice start to my career and had a chilling life. When I met you, I thought we could be a great headline." She looks at me and my jaw almost drops to the ground with her words. Never in my worst nightmares, I would have expected her to say that.

"You know, you were rich, handsome, and the most eligible bachelor in the town. And I was this hot budding model. I thought being your girlfriend would give a great push to my modeling career, and I would gain some popularity. It did happen." She pauses for a moment and looks at me. "But my thoughts about us together weren't like what I assumed. I thought we were both young and shiny. We'll have a fun time together. You know what I mean, right? Like date for some time and then go our separate ways." She exhales deeply and finally admits. "Merrick, let's be sensible. I needed to focus on my career. I wasn't ready for a commitment."

I feel like I've been hit by a truck when she finishes talking and gets to the point. I look at her and my throat constricts. "I never stopped you from doing anything you wanted."

"Of course, you didn't. But I wasn't ready for marriage." She shakes her head. "I have my entire career ahead of me. I can't get married and let it ruin like that."

"You could have told me this before," I whisper. My shoulders sag in defeat as I gaze at her in distress.

"I don't know. You seemed so in love and happy...I didn't want to break your heart." She shrugs as if it isn't a big thing for her to reveal this to me now.

"Didn't want to break my heart." I chuckle dryly at her fake concern and look down. "At least it would have been less painful than what you are doing now."

I take a deep breath, trying to calm the nerves that are threatening to pop out of my head, and then look back at her. "I get it. Sure, your career is important. Liam is a celebrity. He is way more popular than me, so you are inclining towards him to get better exposure, right?" She doesn't say anything, but her silence and the careless look in her eyes give it all away.

"You never loved me, did you?" I cringe, hearing the deep crack in my own voice as I ask her.

"Merrick..."

"Just answer the fucking question, Monica," I growl, having that awful lump form in my throat. My hands curl into fists involuntarily as I wait for her answer.

"Merrick, look. This might sound lame, but we never even had sex. How do you expect me to go on without getting laid for seven fucking months?"

I stare at her face in shock. Seriously? Is this her justification for my question?

"If you wanted a life like this, you could have opted for celibacy. Why torture me?" Monica scowls and continues, making a disappointed face. "You never understood my needs like Liam does. I hate to say this, but he satisfies me. You never even...forget it."

"So it was always about sex for you. My love for you didn't fucking matter." I ask in desperation. "For god's sake! I wanted us to know each other better. I just wanted us to be emotionally connected before we went to the next level, Monica. Was it too much to ask?" I run my fingers through my hair and shake my head, feeling devastated by her explanation.

Monica stares at me for a long time before she reaches to grab my hand. "No...but that's not how this works, Merrick. Not for me." I watch her in confusion as she takes out the diamond ring that I'd given to her and places it in my palm. "I am not going to ask you how you found out about me and Liam. I am glad you did because I didn't know how else to spell it out to you." She takes a step back and I look at the ring in my hand before turning my gaze back at her. "Sorry, but we are done, Merrick. It's a good thing that we got to this before you started planning for our wedding."

I don't know if I am not being able to comprehend what she is saying or I am just not at all listening to her. All I can hear is a single voice screaming in my head. A voice screaming that it was all a lie. An act of deceiving me. All these months meant nothing to the woman standing in front of me - The woman that I loved with everything in me.

I can't believe that I was planning to marry a woman who wasn't even scarcely in love with me.

"I guess I am going back to my apartment. You don't have to worry. I'll ask my driver tomorrow to collect my stuff from here."

"Goodnight, Merrick." Her words echo in my ears as she walks away from me.

I watch her as she makes her way out of the house and I wonder how can a woman be so heartless. She broke off our engagement so easily like it was just a lipstick stain that she would have rubbed off the corner of her mouth. All these months that we spent together literally meant nothing to her? Did my love mean nothing to her? Did I mean nothing to her?

I run my fingers through my hair again, almost pulling at the roots, trying to control the volcano of emotions rushing through my body. No. Fuck! This can't be happening. This is fucking crazy. I shake my head and storm out, taking my car keys. Monica seems to have probably left because her car is nowhere to be seen now. God! Why am I even thinking about her? I get into my car and bolt through the gates. I have no idea where I am going and what am I doing, but I know one thing: I couldn't have stayed in the house after the drama that I had with Monica there.

I race through the roads for a long time, wondering how did I get so lucky to not be caught for speeding. It actually felt good, roaring around the city through chilly night winds. I wish I could have gone all night like that, forgetting my heartbreak and misery, but exhaustion had to get better out of me at some point. So I halt for a moment, trying to stabilize my racing heart. Shutting off the ignition, I lean over the steering wheel, thinking about what just happened between me and Monica.

When I pull back, I take a glance around. I don't know where I am or how did I get here, but as I look around, something on the opposite end of the street catches my attention. It's a bar with the words 'Moods' sparkling over its board. I know I have an important meeting tomorrow and this might be a bad idea. But for tonight, I don't care because I need a way to fucking forget everything.

So, parking my car nearby, I get out of it and make my way towards the bar before I can change my mind.