I woke up and prayed to God last night was all a dream, or nightmare I should say. But I knew it wasn't, everything that happened was true. Gray Anderson came to my house and told me he liked me, I went to a party wearing nothing but a jersey, I danced, I laughed, I drank and Gray... Gray did something I couldn't ever forget.

 I rolled over and looked at my phone, countless Snapchat and Instagram follow request. "What the heck?" I went onto Instagram first and there were countless pictures of the party, and me and Gray were in almost all of them! I don't even remember taking photos, but honestly I don't remember a lot of details from last night. Besides the end of the night, I could remember every little detail.

 I didn't think people knew me, I thought calling myself Riv would throw them off but obviously that didn't work. Everyone knew I was there, my reputation as a good smart innocent girl was forever gone.

 I thought that's what I wanted. I thought I wanted to be seen. But no, that's not what I wanted at all. I just wanted to be invisible again.

 I threw my phone across the room and went back to sleep. I wasn't planning on getting out of bed until graduation.

 "River!" I woke up again to my mom pounding on my door. "There's someone here to see you." She told me as I rubbed my eyes and got out of bed. Before I left the room I glanced over at my alarm clock and it read '2:35' damn I slept for a long time.

 I went downstairs, still half asleep and not even thinking about who could be at the door. But it was him. It was Gray. He still looked sexyer than ever and I still had the urge to rub his lips against mine. But as soon as he spoke it all went away, and the feeling of fear rushed over me. "River, I'm so sorry about last night, I don't know what got into me and-"

 "Get. Out."

 I turned around to see Logan at the top of the stairs. He had fire in his eyes and I really thought he was going to kill Gray.

 "Logan, I'm just here to apologize." Gray practically begged.

 "You heard me. Get. Out. Now!" Logan ran down the stairs and stood in front of me. 

 It shocked me just how protective Logan was being, but I wasn't complaining. Gray was the last person I wanted to see so hopefully Logan would make him go away.

 "River." Gray ignored Logan and looked me in the eyes. They were different from last night. They didn't scare me, they were gentle, kind, and loving. But he still scared me, made me feel vulnerable. "River I'm so sorry, please just listen to me-"

 Before Gray could say anything else Logan pushed him got the door and slammed it shut.

 "Is everything okay?" My mom came rushing down the stairs.

 "Ya." I mumbled. "Everything's fine." I lied. It wasn't fine. I wasn't fine.

 I spent the whole day in my room, I locked the door and didn't even let Logan in. I turned my phone off and put it in a drawer. I watched Netflix all day long and only left my room for food.

 It wasn't the fact that people knew I was at a party, or that I drank a little. Ya maybe my reputation was damaged a bit, but that could be a good thing if I really think about it. Though the thing that really bothered me, was every time I closed my eyes, I saw him over me, trapping me. My heart beating out of my chest. And my breathing picked up. I felt trapped all over again

 "Ahhh!" I couldn't take it. I yelled and screamed and kicked but it wouldn't go away. "Get away from me!"  Maybe no one heard, or maybe they weren't home. But I was left in my room alone and afraid. Nothing I did would get the feeling out of my chest.

 I ran out of my room and to the bathroom. I turned on the water and let the coldness consume me. My heart slowed down and I was able to breathe again.

 I stood in the shower for about ten minutes until it came back. The crushing feeling, my heart bounding. "Stop!" I yelled and slip down the shower wall. I sat curled up in a ball as the water fell on me.

 My eyes locked on the razer sitting inches away from me.

 I can't. I won't.

Yet I did.

 I picked it up and slid it across my wrist.

 Then it stopped. Everything stopped. The pain in my heart was replaced by the pain in my arm. I was more focused on the blood turning the shower water red than the memory if last night.

 I sat there in silence, total silence. Everything felt different. Everything felt empty.

 I was empty.

Five.

 That's the number of cuts in my wrist by the end of the night. I sat on my bed and fixated on them, how long they were, how deep. Some still hurt but only a tiny bit.

 I never thought I would be in the position I was in right now, yet here I am. I never understood why people cut themselves. I thought it was just for attention but now I see why. It takes away any other pain by focusing it somewhere else. It takes your mind off whatever your thinking about, and it makes you feel. So when your empty inside, when you just feel dead, it lets you know that you're alive.

I wanted to write in my journal about everything that happened, but I didn't want to relive it any more than I already do. I pulled out my guitar and did the one other thing that calms me down when I'm stressed.

"She leaves her parents house around midnight
Meets her best mate at the shop buy some cheap wine
And go to space
See the Milky Way
Get away from the teenage everyday cliche pressure
Absent on absinthe, dancing to bad synths
Saturday night ain't about romancing anymore
Just you getting lit in the queue to the dance floor..."

I didn't even notice I started crying until my tears splashed down on my guitar.

"Too many blokes are getting heavy
When a girl looks unsteady
Blisters on your bleeding soles
"Here have my boots, I'll walk you home"
He walks her straight up to the front door
As she stumbles on the floor
We all know what happens next
A bit of fun turns to regret.."

I closed my eyes and sung as I saw the night reply in my head.

"Leave it alone mate
She doesn't want to go home with ya, home with ya, no
Leave it alone mate
She doesn't want to go home with ya, home with ya
Leave it alone mate
She doesn't want to go home with ya, home with ya, no
Leave it alone mate
Leave it alone mate
Leave it alone mate.."

 "River?" I heard my brother from the other side if the locked bedroom door. He probably heard me singing / crying all the way from his room. "Can I come in?" I haven't let him all day, nor my mother. I told her I was sick so she let me be, but Logan knew the truth.

 I rolled down my sweatshirt sleeve and walked over to the door. I opened it and he immediately hugged me. "Are you okay?" He asked. Gosh I really didn't want to talk about it, I just wanted to lay down and be in his company.

 "Do you wanna watch a movie?" I asked him, completely ignoring his question.

 "Ya, I'd love that Riv."

We layed on my bed and watched Marvel movies all night. We threw popcorn at each other and even had a pillow fight. He made me forget about all of my worries, I loved him so much. I didn't know what I would do without him. He wasn't just my brother, he was my best friend, no matter what.

 I fell asleep cuddled up next to Logan in the middle of Avengers Civil War. He wanted to continue watching the movie so he just let me sleep on him.

 My sleeping mind was still at work, and I dreamed about a feild, an empty peaceful field.

 Then I saw him, Gray Anderson. He was running towards me, his beautiful blond hair flowing in the wind, his smile sparkling, and his laughter filling the air. He picked me up and spun me around causing me to laugh from joy. I looked into his green eyes and he kissed me, sending shivers down my spine. We pulled away smiling and happy, though the sky soon turned black. Thunder cracked and lightly hit, causing the field to burst into flames.

 I tried to run but the flames only grew bigger, trapping me in a fiery cage. Gray emerged from the cage and grabbed me tight. He pinned me down and his eyes turned black. I was trapped, again.

 I screamed through there was no help this time. I started crying and Gray did whatever he wanted. I kicked and begged but nothing worked.

 "Ah!" I yelled and my eyes shot open. I saw my brother looking at me with concern, and I just wrapped my arms around him. I cried into his shoulder and he told me that everything would be alright,

but would it?...