Show me
the most damaged
parts of your soul,
and I will show you
how it still shines like gold.

- Nikita Gill

"What happened?" I ask Josh, breathless.

In the years after our breakup, I spent hours wondering where Josh was, how he was, what he was doing. I hoped he was happy, and when I found him at the camp he started, I was convinced that the last four years had treated him kindly.

Josh takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands, a muscle in his jaw clenching. "What did Ellie tell you?"

I scan through my memories of our conversation. "She mentioned that you had a few tough years, but then things got better. What happened, Josh?"

"Ellie doesn't know everything that happened because she was still a kid, but after you left, I fell apart too." Josh heaves a sigh. "My version of falling apart was just a lot more...destructive."

An image of Josh sitting on the ski hill and downing a bottle of whiskey returns to me, and the way he dropped off the face of the earth after his first bad breakup. He stopped eating, stopped studying, and fell into a pit of depression.

"What happened?"
"I fell apart, Rach. I...I drank. A lot. I'm really lucky that alcoholism doesn't run in my family or I don't know if I'd even be here right now. I was always drunk and I stopped going to classes or doing homework. I...I don't know how much of this you want to hear."

I already see the direction this is heading. "I want to know everything." Josh's tortured eyes jump to mine as if he knows this is going to hurt me.

"I was really self-destructive, Rach. I drank a lot and I...I slept around. I thought the alcohol and the sex would numb the pain I felt, and it did as long as I stayed drunk. Every time I'd start to get sober, I was hit with the emptiness of my life and the guilt I felt for hurting you, so I just kept falling deeper into this spiral of self-destruction."

My heart aches--for Josh and myself. I hate that he wasted his time and affection on girls who never cared about him. I feel guilty for not being there to pull him out of this cycle, that my absence was what initiated all of it.

"Josh, I'm so sorry-"
"Stop, Rach. Don't apologize. It was my choice." His voice grows sharp and he straightens his back. "I should have dealt with my guilt and tried to change, but I didn't. I hated myself. I thought I was worthless and good for nothing more than drinking and sleeping around and losing myself in my own pain."

"What changed?"

"I almost got kicked out of Regent. My grades were so bad they threatened to kick me out if I didn't get my act together, and I knew that if I didn't change something quick, I would have to ask Dad to bribe them into keeping me there. I realized I was living up to his expectations for me and that wasn't who I wanted to be. That wasn't who you thought I was, Rach. I changed. I graduated from Regent. My GPA sucked, but I made it."
"And that's when your parents decided to get divorced?" I say, drawing the timeline in my head.

"Yeah. That's when I put it all behind me and became who Mom and Ellie needed me to be. I didn't really have a choice."

"Of course you did," I say, no longer able to resist comforting Josh. I reach across the table and take his hand in mine. "You could have lost yourself and let yourself go, but you didn't. You came back. And you didn't just become the person they needed you to be--you became the person you always could have been. You became the person I saw, the person I fell for all those years ago."

Josh shakes his head and smiles softly at me, one dimple appearing at the corner of his mouth. "You're so good for me. Everyone else, even my dad, only saw the person that I was, but you always saw someone...someone who wasn't even there for you."

"But don't you see, Josh? Now you are that person."
Josh scratches his head. "I'm afraid that the past will replay itself, Rach. That I still won't be good enough."

"You said you'd stay by me. That's all it takes, Josh."

Silence stretches between us and I lose myself in his eyes, the pain and history that I've only just started to unravel.

"But I didn't, Rach. I didn't stand by you."
This is the crux of it all; all I needed was loyalty, solidarity, constancy, but he left. Despite that, despite his inconstancy and mistakes, I only need to know one thing to give him a second chance.

"Have you changed?" I ask him, voice quivering.

He looks down at where my hand is hidden in his. "I swear."
And crazily enough, I believe him. I believe that he's not the same boy with the sparkling eyes and hidden sadness that I met six years ago. I believe that he's grown and changed and evolved into someone worthy of every happiness. I believe we both deserve a second chance.

"Are we crazy?" I ask, tilting my head sideways and scrunching my nose. "For...for trying this again? After everything that happened?"

I'm pretty sure everyone I've told about the two of us thinks we're certifiably insane. After everything that happened, are we masochists for throwing ourselves together again? Even if we should, could we stop ourselves or is the gravity between us too strong?

Josh laughs. "Probably. But are we happy?"
A smile spreads across my face. Happy. For so long, I forgot the meaning of the word. I was content, but I missed the unspeakable joy that bubbles from within and forces itself out through smiles and laughter. My happiness will never be as carefree and uninhibited as it used to be when I was younger and unscarred, but happiness despite all of the pain is a greater feat than happiness with no knowledge of sadness.

"Yes. I'm happy, Josh. I'm so happy."

He grins back at me and I see a shadow of the fun-loving, light hearted boy he used to be. "Me too. Are you ready to go?"

"Yep," I answer, rising and grabbing my purse.

Josh pays at the cash register and I make sure not to look at the bill--we won't be back here. I don't know how much directing a non-profit summer camp pays, but I'm confident it's not enough to finance these sort of eating habits. Plus, if I'm honest, Olive Garden's shrimp alfredo is just as good and they have unlimited breadsticks to boot.

As we head outside, dusk has already fallen. I wrap my hands around Josh's arm and lean against him. There's nothing standing between us anymore, nothing to keep me from holding onto him as my island in the sea. With the past behind us, I can rest in the present.

"So are you going to keep your promise?"

Josh laughs. "You still want ice cream? That dinner was huge!"
I slug him in the arm. "You better not be making fun of me for how much I ate."
"Never. Chocolate chip cookie dough, here we come."

He remembered my favorite flavor. It might sound insignificant, but ice cream is no laughing matter.

We climb back in Josh's truck and drive to Coldstone Creamery, the Wegman's of ice cream. After ordering an overflowing waffle cone that I'm certain will leave me with a stomach ache, Josh and I sit on the metal picnic table outside, the night sky and humming traffic our only company.

"So what do you say?" Josh asks. "Can I convince you to go on another date with me?"

I tilt my head in contemplation. "Yeah, I guess so. Can I convince you to buy me ice cream again?"

"Anytime," Josh says with a laugh.

He reaches across the table and uses the pad of his thumb to wipe ice cream from the corner of my lip and a smile spreads across my face at his touch. Gosh, I already want to kiss him.

He pulls away but smiles back at me. "This has to be the weirdest first date ever," I muse while taking a big lick from my ice cream.

"You think?"

"I mean, we didn't ask any of the first date questions. What do you do for a living? What are your hobbies?"
Josh laughs. "Yeah, well, I meant to take things slow, but, well..."

"We don't really know how to do that, do we?" I say with a laugh.

"Not really," Josh agrees.

"Maybe this time we won't screw it up."

"You mean, I won't screw it up," Josh corrects. "If I hadn't screwed things up with Sierra and then kissed you and never told you..."

"Then we wouldn't be here," I say. As much as Josh's betrayal hurt, it has to stay in the past. I know better than anyone how easily the past can take over the present if you let it. "It happened, it sucked, but it's going to be different now."

"How do you know I won't let you down?"

"How do you know I'll be enough for you this time around?" I answer.

A tense ripple of energy passes between us--our greatest fears lie between us along with the chance that they'll come true.

"We don't know," I finally whisper.

"But we're trying anyways?" Josh asks, reaching for my hand and intertwining our fingers together.

"We're trying anyways." I summon a smile, but it's darkened by the fear that shadows us.

I want you and you want me. What else matters?

Josh and I get back in the truck and as he drives me home, I lean against the window and watch the street lights go by, blurring into one yellow line as the truck glides down the empty street. I feel tired from bouncing between two extremes: sheer happiness and aching vulnerability. On one hand, being around Josh brings me a joy that I've never known elsewhere. On the other hand, I'm afraid of where this path leads. I'm afraid that for all our words and promises, we'll still end up hurting each other again, maybe this time beyond repair.

How do I know that this won't end in heartbreak? I don't, but if I move forward in fear, I'll never be able to let myself go; I'll never be able to find what we had before in the remnants of who we are now.

Josh parks his truck in front of the apartment building and helps me out. The silence is heavy between us with the weight of both of our fear. Josh keeps my hand in his and we face each other, but I can't quite look at him. My heart ricochets inside of my chest, threatening to race out of control.

"I want you and you want me," I finally whisper, my eyes crawling up his face. "Does anything else matter?"
Josh looks down at me, his eyes pale and bright against the dark sky that frames the silhouette of his face. "Only if we let it," he whispers, voice hoarse.

"Will we?" The space between us grows closer as we're drawn to each other by a force beyond ourselves.
"I want you and you want me," Josh repeats, his eyes lingering first on my eyes then dropping to my lips. "And nothing else matters."

"Nothing else matters," I echo him, leaning forward so I whisper the words against his lips.

Josh eradicates the final few centimeters between us and kisses me, capturing my mouth with his. Gone are the tentative shyness and fearful caution; instead, I taste the desperation of a man who knows what he wants and finally has the chance to go after it. All of the passion we used to share is channeled into this kiss, but there's more than that. There's the knowledge of the past, the fear that this will be our only chance to feel this way again.

I can no longer think straight as Josh's hands reach for my waist and mine reach for his shoulders and then tangle around his neck. I reach for Josh's face, my fingers running over the rough stubble of his beard, and tilt his head so the kiss deepens. We explore each other with feverish hands and mouths searching for lost memories. Josh steps toward me, pushing me backward until my hip digs into the door of the truck and our bodies press against each other. We fit together like pieces of a puzzle, and my skin burns hot everywhere he touches. We are the day and night colliding, sparking across the sky.

We have yet to see whether we are a sunset or a sunrise.

~~~~~
What did you think of Josh's confession? Would you still trust him like Rachel does? Let me know in the comments, and tell me your favorite ice cream!