Friends. No one ever told you it would be this way. *clap clap clap clap*

I don't blame my friends, I think I that should be stated because it could be easy to hate them. I don't. Not really.

I did have friends despite what this depressing dairy, I mean journal, suggests. I did once possess friendship but then life happened.

Not really life but explained illness.

They didn't disappear over night, it just happened...

(I used the ellipses so you feel my sense of forlornness, not sure that's a word but whatever)

Should I have told them what I was facing the last semester of junior year?

Probably.

But the thing is I was heavily self medicated on large douses of denial.

I was 17. I was supposed to bounce back. Sickness didn't last that long, I just needed to get through it. Yeah, like I was going to logically realize or even admit that life changed.

My life had changed...

(Again feel my sense of despair. No that's too depressing. I'll go with resignation, thats better)

By the time summer came around and I couldn't leave my bed, well that's when it happened. I will now portray the slow breaking down of friendship in the form of text messages.

Friend A (Who will be known as FA from here on out): Hey! Want to come over and binge watch something with me?

Me: Sorry, I can't. I'm not feeling well.

(You would think sitting on one couch and watching something would be the same whether I was sitting on one or another but its not. She'd have energy and I'd be a blob. An unclean, unentertaining blob.)

FA: Aww that sucks! What's wrong?

Me: Not sure.

FA: I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do?

Me: no but thanks.

(We go onto chat about other things until it exhausts me and I have to give an excuse to stop)

Friend B (FB): FA told me that you weren't feeling well! You better get better by this weekend because I'm having a pool party and want you there!

(I'm using FA and FB for amenity sake)

Me: I'll try to make it.

(I say this knowing full well I won't be able to but hate not being able to go. Again denial is a strong pill)

Day of the party

FB: Are you going to be able to make?

Me: So sorry. Still feeling sick.

FB: no worries. Next time. Will miss you!

Me: yeah, next time.

(Denial, yet again)

I then proceed to watch the party unfold through photos posted. Also good to have a healthy douse of self-pity. Though eventually I stop looking.

Next conversation.

Group chat:

FA: Ice cream. Let's go! There's a new cashier and he's so cute!

FB: Alex, we'll pick you up.

Me: Oh! Sounds like a good plan. Still stupid sick though. It's the worst.

FA: Still? Awww. Okay, we'll get you ice cream and stop by your house to tell you about the new cutie.

Me: kay.

(Why do I say yes when I know I look awful and the energy of two healthy, vibrant friends will not only exhaust me but make me feel depressed in comparison? That's right say it with me - DENIAL!)

I won't tell you how the visit went, just imagine a blob on a couch trying to smile and talk while two firecrackers bounce off each other.

End result: firecrackers uncertain about the change to blob. Blob more blob-ish than before. Conversation in text form about nothing of consequence take place over the span of days. Then...

(This time feel a sense of foreboding)

Group chat:

FB: Ladies it's shopping time! Cute ice cream boy asked me out and I need a new date dress!

FA: Good! I'm bored. I'll come round you both up.

Me: You'll have too FaceTime me so I can help.

FB: really?

FA: Did the doctors figure out anything yet?

Me: No. But I'm going to a specialist soon.

FB: I hope that helps.

Me: Same.

FA: Okay, will FT

The FaceTime is almost as challenging as the ice cream visit, one more barrier between me and them.

Honestly retelling all of this is making me depressed and my arm is starting to hurt.

Just know that bit by bit one unattended outing or meet up after another the divide got bigger.

The final break isn't the first day of senior year and I'm not there.

No that is fine because I constantly get update messages about out classmates that we usually spy on. And laughing texts about how my name is called in attendance. (It seems my mom forgot to unenroll me)

That day is fine. Even the week is fine.

The break is the weekend when they go to a football game, flirt with cute boys. They tell me about it and I don't know the guys and the denial pill is no longer swallowable.

I pull back and their lives in high school take them further away.

I'm left on the shore as they drift down the river.

So you see I can't blame them.

Can I blame me self? I have too much perspective to know that it was bound to happen.

Still, it hurts.

**********************************************************************

My dazzling, brilliant Sunflower! 🌻

Ah, well anyone else feel depressed because Alex's lack of friends? 🗯💭💬🫤

This I relate to because when your lives aren't aligned it makes it harder to connect. It's how I've lost a lot of friends.

I always look at those people who have had a friend or friends since elementary school and think: how?

My constant shift of friends kinda makes sense, I moved schools a lot. Like six times. It meant I lost contact with friends because we no longer went to the same school.

What about you, do you have friends since forever or do you shift as well?

Anyways! Vote, comment, follow! It might sound funny but you're a chum that I've had in my life longer than some friends!