Oh, Baby Look What You've Done To Me: How I Became a Directioner
by styles_orama

I never intended to become a directioner.  I am a grown woman who teaches middle-school and currently working on a masters' degree. I own a house, for chrissakes. I live in the United States and didn't witness the formation of the band on X Factor or their sudden rise to stardom. I often ask myself, "How did this happen? How did I get sucked into the band, the social media, and the fandom? Why am I writing smutty fanfiction on Wattpad? And most importantly, why do I have a full-size cardboard Harry Styles in my bedroom?"

    My initial exposure to 1D was limited. I knew the song "What Makes You Beautiful," and it was MY JAM. I knew who sang it – some British boy band – but I'd never seen them, or the video. To me, they were a one-hit wonder much like Hanson with "MMMBop" or Vanilla Ice with "Ice Ice Baby." When WMYB came on the radio, I'd yell out "ONE DIRECTION" and belt out the lyrics from the top of my lungs, not only cause I loved the song, but it also annoyed my peers, which in turn brought me extreme pleasure.

    In November of 2013, I was on the school bus with my students for our annual trip to the theatre. The kids were singing random pop songs, or whatever kids listen to these days. At this point, I wasn't listening to much radio because they tended to play the same seven songs over and over until I thought my head would explode.  The kids are singing, "Tonight let's get some, and live while we're young!" Apparently they really enjoyed that one, cause they sang it multiple times, prompting me get up and say, "Alright! Enough of that Bieber crap! Sing something else!"

    "Miss! That's not Bieber! OMG, Miss!" The protests were hurled from all directions.

    "It's not? Well, who is it?"

    A chorus of adolescent voices chimed, "One Direction!" Oh, those kids that sing the "beautiful" song I like.

    Back at school, some of the girls were still in awe over my lack of One Direction awareness. "We'll show you, Miss!" They pulled up the "Live While We're Young" video, and we watched it on the ActivBoard. There were "the boys" (as I would learn they were called later) in all their goofiness, being cute and doing their thing.

    My initial response was, "That one with the curly hair is sorta cute. He's not bad." Amazingly no light from the heavens shone down at this particular point. IKR? I was informed that curly one's name was Harry. Harry Styles. My students giggled and filled me in on the names of the other boys, all of which were immediately forgotten.

    On 11/21/2013, after a day of shopping with my aunt, we were enjoying an adult beverage and channel surfing. We happened across the X Factor USA just as they were announcing One Direction's performance. "Oh, that's those British kids my students like," I mentioned to my aunt. (Poor Niall! British! LOL)

    Then they sang. Since that performance, I refer to "Story of My Life" as my "gateway song," citing it as the beginning of the end. I still struggled afterward, but resistance was futile. The boys walked in their little circle, each taking their turn front and center. Those aren't boys anymore. They're men. Harry was serious, a little awkward, pointing his index finger down between his thighs whenever he sang the chorus. The audience squealed each time a different member took the front spot. The song was beautiful, as were the boys surrounded by vintage bulbs strung for ambiance. I definitely felt a pitter-pat for Louis as well, though at that point Harry's was the only name I knew! My aunt singled out Niall as her favorite.

    Days later, the boys performed the same song at the American Music Awards. There it was again.  There was Harry doing his finger-pointy thigh thing. OMG. They are kinda hot and I like a couple songs...maybe I should get a CD? I hinted that I was curious about them in hopes of scoring a CD for Christmas. I mean, I wasn't going to buy it myself. One Direction?!  Absolutely not.

    Christmas came and went and my stocking remained empty of One Direction cd's, though I occasionally heard SOML on the radio. Thinking back to the kids showing me the LWWY video, I wondered if they had one for SOML. It was February 2014 when I drifted onto YouTube and looked it up. This was a baited trap waiting for me to stumble upon it, because afterwards there was no escape. That video reduced me to a quivering mass of flesh, or what I've since realized is referred to as "the feels". Zayn and his sister. Harry eating sausages and gazing at his mother. Louis, oh Louis – his grandparents disappearing before my eyes. Tears fell, and I knew I was f*cked as I stayed up until 3:00 am clicking from one music video to the next, moving on to interviews, X Factor performances, etc. I was in One Direction quicksand, and I liked it.

    Within a couple of days, I went to Target and purchased all 3 cd's. I begin listening to "Midnight Memories" first, on repeat until I knew every song by heart before I opened up one of the others. While I babysat my niece over Spring Break, we watched YouTube videos for 1D Day, "Adventurous Adventures of One Direction," "This is Us," the boys' webcams, the video diaries – we were like kids in a candy store because there was so much media instantly available to us, whereas everyone else had already been in the fandom for years!

    I became aware of other forms of social media and created accounts on Instagram and Twitter. I followed the boys, some update accounts, directioners, etc. Because I was a teacher as well as an adult directioner, I didn't use my real name or photo for any of these accounts. At this point, I didn't realize how big of a presence the fandom was on social media. I remember witnessing events unfold when Harry accidentally favorited a porn tweet, Twitter spiraled out of control as #harrydontlickanything trended and appeared in national news the next day.

    Everything was happening so fast. I was angry with myself for not discovering the fandom sooner. As I tried to catch up, other directioners referred to me as "carroty." I tweeted and was never acknowledged. I thought directioners were bullies until I realized I had my settings so private that for months I'd tweeted things no one had permission to view! I felt like an idiot. I think I've got Twitter under control now, yet Tumblr remains a mystery.

    I kept seeing mentions of a 1D story called "After." After, After, After. WTF was "After?" After a bit of Googling, I soon had this app called Wattpad downloaded on my phone and was lost in the world of fanfiction. I breezed through the "After" series followed by countless other smutty fanfics.  Harry Styles erotica. For FREE. I haven't read a regular book since. I believe it was a through an Adult Directioner group on Wattpad where I was first able to connect with fans my age. Since this time, I've realized there is a whole counterculture of adult directioners out there. Many keep their online directioner status completely separate from their real lives, much like I do.

    The boys were deep into their WWA tour and rumors of a breakup were all over Twitter. They were coming to play a show in my city, but tickets had sold out long ago. By this time, I was in balls deep into 1D. I had CDs, books, dolls, posters, constantly reading fanfic, and even beginning to write my own. My niece was 10 years old and we had been on this 1D journey of discovery together, minus the dirty fanfic portion. I was in a panic. What if 1D broke up, and we never got to see them because we were too late to the fandom? What if this was the last tour? I felt like I was 17 years old and that I would perish from the earth if I was unable to go to this show. I MUST GO. So I quit adulting and behaved like a complete adolescent, irresponsibly laying out some of my savings for 3rd row catwalk seats. Third row.

    We made our poster, got our bandanas, and applied our fetus 1D tattoos. We knew from online video clips exactly how the show would go down, the opening video, etc. The boys appeared high above us, like in a dream, singing "Midnight Memories" and bounding down the steps and ramps, splitting off in various directions. We were right in front of Harry's mic for the majority of the show, until they switched sides later on. My lips were either singing or hanging open in amazement throughout the show. I had eye contact with Harry so often that I felt like I needed to look away once in awhile so he didn't think, "Why is this chick always staring at me in a hypnotic trance?" I was almost embarrassed as our eyes met over and over again. He noticed my poster early on and I was such a dork during the interaction. I had a "Spin the Harry" poster with a battery-pack on the back, so the head actually spun. Harry looked surprised, and did his hands in such a way – I thought he was trying to tell me my sign was upside down, but he was probably just referring to the spinning. My intellectual abilities were compromised by his beauty. He waved, gave a thumbs-up, and all the girls surrounding me shrieked and patted me on the back. Later, when he teetered on a ramp right in front of me (we know how klutzy Harry is, right?), he stabilized himself quickly and looked up right into my eyes with an expression that said "You saw that didn't you?" I mouthed, "Harry!  Be careful!" On the ride home, I reflected on how blessed I was with eye contact that night. Why me? Being in the third row was obviously a factor, but I think it was because I wasn't on my phone the whole time. Everyone around me was watching the show through their phone screen, and not actually living in the moment. I took a few pictures when they came out, and then I put my phone away. I think as a performer looking out into the crowd, you want to connect with people face to face. He knew if he looked my way, he'd see a face, and not a phone. In October, when we went to see the OTRA movie, Harry mentions in the opening interview that there are certain pockets of fans you return to throughout the show, and I felt that I knew exactly what he meant.

    My family occasionally rags on me for spending a slew of money on those concert tickets. I told my mother, "I looked into those green eyes and I saw God. I don't regret it, and I would do it again tomorrow." Mom said I was being sacrilegious, but that's another story. Everything about Harry's penetrating gaze is true. To this day, I still don't know how my vagina managed to pull through unscathed.

    Yep. I've been up the boys' butts hardcore since the YouTube abduction in February of 2014. Since then, I've found what I refer to as "my people" on Twitter and Wattpad. Other fans in my age group who are writers, some are even teachers. I've been working on two Harry fanfics, and the entire process has been an irreplaceable learning experience on many levels. I may have been late getting to the fandom and experienced feelings of alienation at first, but since then, the only thing I ask myself is, "Why didn't I get here sooner?"

How did you become a Directioner?