Ella


The next few days are relaxing and filled with long drives and small conversations. Caroline takes her pictures of us out in the front yard. We all manage to smile in some of them, but it’s much easier in the pictures of just Micha and me. When we’re getting ready to leave to go back to our lives, she assures me that she’ll send me copies.


Lila and Ethan returned back to Vegas the day before and Micha and I are taking the dinged-up Chevelle back home. Micha is waiting in the car while I say a quick good-bye to everyone. Dean gives me a halfhearted pat on the back and Caroline gives me a real hug, throwing me out of my comfort zone.


When she pulls back, my anxiety is pounding through my chest, but I mentally talk myself down and approach my dad, who’s standing on the back porch with a heavy brown coat on. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stay for a few extra days and help you get the house all set up. Or go with you to your first AA meeting?” I don’t really want to, but I worry he won’t go if someone isn’t watching him.


“I’ll be fine,” he assures me, dragging his hand along the railing as he steps down from the top step. His hair is combed and his eyes have life in them. I’m not sure how long it will take me to get used to his new look. Probably a while, since I can’t remember him ever looking this healthy. “Can we talk for a minute, though?”


Perplexed, I nod and follow him out back. Frost glazes the entire yard as the sunlight sparkles down on it. He dithers in his thoughts for a while, staring at the garage as if it holds the answers to life.


“I want you to know that I meant what I said in that letter,” he finally says with an uneasy tone. “Sometimes it’s just hard for me to express myself out loud.”


I nod, understanding as I scrape my boots at the snow. “I get it. I really do.”


He rubs his hand across his face. “Would you consider coming back here for spring break, just to visit, not to look after me or anything?”


“Dad, you know the house is about to enter foreclosure, right?” I ask nervously. “Didn’t you see any of the bills on the table?”


He nods, raking his hands through his hair. “I did and I might have to let it go. But the thing is, Ella, it’s not for you to worry about. That’s kinda what this is all about. You need to go live your life and I’ll live mine. I’m learning how to do that now.”


The feeling makes me nervous, yet frees me at the same time. It’s confusing and new, but so is everything really. “Okay, I’ll try.”


“Good.” He hesitates and then opens his arms to give me a hug.


Scratching the back of my neck, I move in awkwardly for a hug and his arms wrap around me. Never can I remember him hugging me. Not once, even when I was a kid. It’s weird and unnatural, but I’m glad it happened. And when it’s over, I wave good-bye and head for the driveway, letting go and moving on.


When I climb into the car, Micha grins at me, sets the iPod down in the console, and laces our fingers together. “Are you ready?”


I nod as a smile breaks through. “I’m more than ready.”


Returning my smile, he backs out of the driveway and onto the slush-covered road. As we drive away from our houses, I can feel myself moving forward toward the beginning of my own life.


Epilogue


Six months later


Ella


It’s June and the Vegas heat is stifling even though I am wearing a tank top and short shorts. Lila and I stand underneath the shade of the carport at Micha and Ethan’s apartment.


“Oh my God, I’m going to miss you so much.” Tears flood from Lila’s eyes and she folds her arms around me, giving me a hug.


A lot of people have been doing that lately and I’m getting used to it. Although sometimes it’s just strange, like when Ethan hugged me. He was drunk, but still.


“I’m going to miss you too.” I hug her back the best I can and then we pull away. “But you’ll see me in, like, a week when you and Ethan bring out the rest of the stuff.”


“But it’s not the same. You won’t be right across the hall.” She dabs her eyes, wiping away the running mascara, and sniffles. “I can’t believe you’re leaving me here alone, to go live in my hometown.”


“You could always come back,” I say, hopeful. “I bet you could even talk Ethan into coming.”


“Hey, I’m not a fucking pushover,” Ethan calls out as he tosses the last box into the trunk of the Chevelle. “And no girl is going to ever get me to up and change my life.”


“Yeah, yeah, we’ll see,” I state with an attitude I know is going to annoy him.


He makes a face as he slams the trunk and then leans against the door, folding his arms and staring out at a tree. His hair has grown out and he looks kind of scraggily and he’s added three more tattoos to his collection.


“He’s sad his best friend’s leaving him. And you,” Lila whispers with a small smile and she fixes a strand of her blonde hair that’s fallen out of a clip. “He admitted it to me last night when he was drunk.”


We giggle quietly so we don’t piss him off more.


Lila’s expression turns serious as she taps the ring on my finger. “Oh yeah, and let me know when that changes fingers. In fact, I better be the first person you call when it does.”


I smile at the idea, which is no longer scary but exciting. “Alright, I promise I will, and let me know when you and Ethan finally hook up.”


She rolls her eyes. “Never going to happen.”


We wait by the car silently until Micha trots down the stairs with the phone up to his ear. He has a on gray T-shirt and a pair of black jeans, and wisps of his blond hair dangle in aqua eyes.


As soon as we got back from winter break, he started talking to the music producer out in San Diego on the phone. At first it went nowhere, so he went on with his life, playing at The Hook Up and other places and working his job in construction. But then he got a call back. He took a leap of faith and went out there for a meeting. They loved him and I wasn’t surprised when he said he was moving out there. Then he proceeded to tell me I was coming with him. I hid out in my apartment for about a day.


“Pretty girl,” Micha had called out through my door. “Just let me in so we can talk. You’ve been in there for a while and you’re starting to worry me.”


I paced the floor with my hands on my hips, inhaling and exhaling. “I’m fine, but I can’t talk about it yet.”


There was a soft thud. “We already talked about this, remember? You knew it was coming.”
I stopped in the middle of my room and turned in a circle, looking for my phone. “Just give me some time, okay. I… I promise I’ll come out in just a bit.”


It took him a second to respond. “Okay, but I’m just going to be out in the living room.”


I waited until I heard him leave and then dialed Anna’s number. As soon as I heard her pick up, I sputtered out, “Micha wants me to move to San Diego with him.”


“Now calm down, Ella,” she said. “You knew this may have been coming—you’ve been talking to me about it since you came back from Christmas break.”


“I know.” I sunk down onto my bed. “But now it’s real. And real is scary sometimes.”


“I know,” she replied. “But you can’t run away from it.”


“I’m not,” I said. “I just don’t know what do.”


“You could make a list,” she suggested. “Of the pros and cons and how you feel.”


I glanced at a notebook and pen on top of my dresser in the corner. “That’s your advice?”


“That’s my advice,” she said, and someone talked in the background. “I have to go, but make a list like I said and then call me later and we’ll talk.”


“Fine.” I sighed, hung up, and did what she told me to do. In the end, the list told me what I had known all along, but I was just too afraid to admit it aloud without some encouragement.


I applied for some jobs online in San Diego and we made a trip out there a couple weeks ago for job interviews. We picked out a one-bedroom apartment in a decent area. It’s scary as hell, but with Micha by my side, I know I can handle it.


“You ready?” Micha asks as he approaches me with his hand extended.


My anxiety bubbles as I slip my hand into his. It’s the first time we’ll be living together and I’m interested how our story will go.


Lila gives me another hug while Ethan and Micha give each other a guy pat on the back and pound fists. Micha and I get into the car and he turns the engine on as I balance a photo on the dashboard.


Caroline had sent the picture to me not long after Christmas. Micha and I had been standing beside each other out on the front porch and his head was turned toward me instead of at the camera. He had whispered a perverted comment into my ear and I had laughed right as Caroline snapped the shot. It was the perfect picture, because even though we weren’t looking at the camera we were genuinely happy and we were making each other feel that way.


The backseat is full with bags and boxes, so Micha uses the side mirror to back out. I give a quick wave to Lila, who’s sobbing and Ethan comes up and puts an arm around her.


Once we reach the exit, my phone rings and I answer it. “I’m going to be fine. I promise.”


“I know you are,” Anna says. “But I wanted to make sure that you called that therapist number I gave you.”


“Yes, and I have an appointment in a few weeks with her,” I say, buckling my seatbelt. “And I’ll make sure to go, just like I told you I would yesterday.”


“Good.” She pauses. “And if you ever need anything, and I mean anything, don’t hesitate to call me.”


“I will,” I promise. “And Anna, thank you for what you said the other day—about me being a different girl than the one who first came in. I know I’ve changed, but it’s nice to hear.”


“I only said the truth, Ella. You have changed and I think you’ll do fine in life. You just need to remember that asking for help isn’t a bad thing, so make sure to do it, because there will be times when you need it.”


I smile at Micha, who’s observing me with curiosity. “I will.”


“Good,” she says. “Remember to have fun and don’t worry so much.”


“I will.” I hang up and Micha threads his fingers through mine.


“Who was that?” Micha asks, halting at a red light.


“Anna.”


“What’d she have to say?”


I glance up at the sunlight sparkling in the sky. “That she thinks I’m going to be okay.”


A few hours later, we pull over into a rest stop for a quick bathroom break and to get some snacks out of the trunk. We park along the turnout on a rocky cliff that overlooks a lake. Just a ways to the side, people are cliff-diving into the water. It’s not very high and they look like they’re having fun. While I’m waiting on Micha, I inch over to the edge and peer down at the water rippling in the sunlight, remembering the bridge and how badly I wanted to jump that night.


“What are you doing?” Micha’s worried voice abruptly rises over my shoulder and his hands grip my waist.


I stare at a woman as she summons up the courage to jump off the ledge. With her eyes shut and arms flying, she soars downward, free as can be. Seconds later she splashes into the water.


“I think we should jump.” When I meet Micha’s eyes, he doesn’t look happy.


“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” He tugs me by the hand away from the cliff. “We need to hit the road.”


I squirm from his hold, slip off my shoes, and put my hair up with an elastic band from around my wrist. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”


“I’m not going to do it.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets and shakes his head. “Not with this.”


I cross my arms. “Why not?”


“Because…” He shrugs, kicking the tip of his boot at the dirt. “The idea of you jumping freaks the shit out of me.”


I take his hand and move closer to the cliff. “It’s not about that. It’s about letting go. I want to do this.”


He wavers, glancing out at the shimmering lake. “Fine, you win. I’ll do it, but only because I love you and have the hardest time saying no to you when you look at me like that.” He shucks off his T-shirt, revealing his lean muscles and the tattoo on his rib cage. His unlaces his boots before slipping them off and then takes his wallet and change out of his pockets. “But you’re holding my hand the entire time.”


I grin, excited. “Okay, it’s a deal.”


We walk to the edge, hand in hand. The cliff is straight down with only a few jagged ledges, a doable fall, unlike the bridge back home.


He dithers, sucking his lip ring into his mouth, and then a smile creeps up on his face. “Whenever you’re ready, pretty girl.”


I take a deep breath, shut my eyes, and whisper, “I’m ready.”


He counts under his breath. “One… two… three.”


We dive off the cliff, holding hands. The fall is brief, yet it feels like it lasts forever before we hit the water together. With his help, I break back through the surface of the water in an instant.


Panting loudly, I glance back up at the cliff, which doesn’t seem as high. My clothes cling to my body and my chest feels weightless. “That was fun.”


He laughs as he wipes droplets of water off his skin, his lips, his long eyelashes. His blond hair is slicked back as he runs his hand over his head. “I’m glad. Now can we swim back to shore and hit the road? I want to get there before dark.”


I look into his liquid-blue eyes. “What’s the rush? We could stay out here all day, floating around in the water, just you and me.”


He pulls me close to him and paddles us backward toward the sandy shore nestled near the bottom of the cliff. “That’s what you want to do? Float in a lake all day?”


“No, I just want to see if you’ll do it for me.” I hook my arms around his neck and fidget with the ring until it slips off my finger and into my palm, still deciding.


“You know, if you ask me to anything, I’ll do it.” He kisses me and I suck the water off his lips. “Because I’m a sucker for those sad-puppy eyes you give me every time you want something.”


I move my hands away from his neck, fastening my legs around his waist to hold myself up. I still hesitate, but then finally I let all my reservations go. “And now I want to give you something.”


He cocks an eyebrow, confused until I lower the ring onto my other finger. It feels right, like it’s belonged there forever. At first his expression is stoic and I worry he’s changed his mind about marrying me.


“I can take it off,” I say quickly. “If you don’t want me to put it on there yet.”


“Take it off?” He gapes at me like I’m crazy and brings me closer, so every inch of our wet bodies touch while he keeps us afloat by kicking his legs. “Why the hell would I ever want you do that? I never want you to take it off. Ever.”


“But you look like you’re upset or something.”


“I’m shocked. I thought it was going to be years and years and years before you ever put that thing on your other finger.”


A smile emerges at my lips. “You want me to keep it on?”


“Of course I want you to keep it on.” Happiness fills his eyes, as blinding as the sunlight behind him. “And you’re never allowed to take it off.”


I nod and he crashes his lips into mine, kissing me with everything he has and I return his passion equally as we kiss our first kiss of our forever.