⚠️TRIGGER WARNING⚠️
This chapter contains some events that might trigger trans folks. (Menstruation)
If you think you will be affected, please pass this chapter. Nothing is more important than you.

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"XANDER!" Joo-Won quickly ran to Xander's side, while their mom opened the lights.

Xander was crying uncontrollably, pulling his hair and hitting his head with his hands while rocking back and forth. His legs were pulled to his stomach.

"Xan look at me! Look at me!" Joo-Won tried to pull his hands away but it was like they were stuck. Xander's arms didn't even budge despite the efforts of Joo-Won. He looked at his mom, Jen, who was crying too. His widened eyes started to fill with tears as well. No words were enough to describe how scared he was right that moment. "Xander please talk to me..."

After a minute of Joo-Won trying to stop him from pulling his hair, Xander suddenly stopped. "I was not supposed to have it..." He silently murmured.

Joo-Won quickly looked at him and wiped away his tears. "What w-were you not suppose to h-have?" He spoke between sniffs.

Xander finally turned his eyes to Joo-Won. His reddened eyes were nearly invisible because of how puffy they were, tears were streaming down his cheeks. Rather than saying something, he just showed the pants he was wearing that day, which were now tossed to the side of the room. Both Jen and Joo-Won went beside the pants and tried to understand it,

when it finally clicked.

Joo-Won slowly placed down the pants, which had blood stains on them, and went beside Xander. Jen closed her mouth with her hand, which made Xander start to cry again, more hysterically this time. "I-I just wanted to take a nap a-and woke up to... this..." He was talking in great difficulty between his sobs. He hugged his legs even closer, trying to hide the blood that stained the bed while he was sleeping.

Joo-Won tried to pull himself together and held Xander's wrists to prevent him from hitting himself again. "Hey, hey, Xander look at me, it's okay!"

Xander slowly lifted his head back to his older brother. He was visibly shaking and seeing him like that was enough to make Joo-Won cry, but he was trying his best not to, even though tears streaming down his face were not listening to him.

"I-it's okay."

Joo-Won's intentions were not bad, but Xander suddenly snapped.

He yanked his hands and pushed Joo-Won away, which made him fall to the ground on his right arm. Jen gasped and went beside Joo-Won.

"It's okay?! It's okay?! Are you fucking kidding me?! How could you even be this dumb?!" He reached for the book on his bed and threw it at Joo-Won. "Nothing is okay, are you blind?! But of course you say that, you don't know anything! You only know talking nonsense!" He then threw anything his hand could reach at his brother, who was sheltering himself with his arms and looking at him with frightened eyes.

Jen grabbed onto Xander's wrists and tried to stop him. "Xander please stop! That's your brother! He was just trying to help you!" Xander tried to pull his hands back while Jen spoke again. "He is right it is okay!

"No! Those injections were supposed to stop it! They were working for all this time, so why after a year it's happening again?! HOW?!" He sobbed loudly and screamed. "I am a man too! It's not fair! IT'S NOT FAIR!!"

Xander sobbed and tried to let go of her grip, but Jen was holding his wrists like she was holding onto her dear life. Eventually, he yanked his wrists away and they both catch their breaths.

Joo-Won got up and hugged Xander close, letting him hit his chest while he constantly told him everything was going to be okay.

Of course hearing those didn't change shit for Xander. Nothing was going to be okay. He was never that disgusted by himself. He was in pain, and all of his efforts and the treatment he went through felt like they were for nothing. He felt like whatever he did, how much effort he put in, he was always stuck in this body.

Like he was stuck with Park Hei.

They stayed like that for some time. Xander cried and screamed and cried again... It was too much for him, and Joo-Won got that. Maybe he was never going to understand him, but he could see how much this affected Xander. It was too much.

"Baby..." Jen put her hand on Xander's shoulder when he finally calmed down a little. Well, not calm really but at least he was not shaking anymore. "I know you don't want to but..." She turned her head to Joo-Won and looked at him with her puffy eyes. "Can you leave us alone for a bit..." Her whisper-like voice made Joo-Won gulp. All of them knew what that meant.

Joo-Won turned to Xander, whose eyes widened as he instantly lifted his head. "No no no please don't go. Please don't leave me alone with her!"

Before starting T, Xander was forced to deal with it every month, which was very hard for him. At his period times, their mom was helping him because he always got too overwhelmed and ended up having breakdowns. So even though he loved his mom so much, staying alone with her in a situation like that only meant for him to go through it again, and this time, being caught off-guard after more than a whole year.

"Honey please..."

"NO!"

"Xan... You know you will feel worse if I stay here." Joo-Won held his hands and rested his forehead on Xander's. "Please... It's for your health. Please let her help you..."

Xander sniffed and shook his head in defeat. "No... Don't make me go through it again. I beg you..." His pleading voice made Joo-Wons chest hurt.

Joo-Won hugged him again, but this time, Xander didn't let him get too close. He knew Xander was feeling betrayed...

After they broke apart, Joo-Won held Xander's face with his hands. "Xan... Don't you remember what you taught me? Not everyone who menstruates is a woman and neither do all women menstruate. You remember it, right? Aren't you the one who always tells me this?"

He silently nodded, trying to hold his tears.

Joo-Won gave him a couple seconds to calm down a little. "This doesn't make you any less of a man. You are still, and always be, my brother. Nothing can change this. But please, for your health, try to let mom help you. Everything will be okay."

After a few seconds passed in silence, Xander finally talked. "You... promise?"

Joo-Won nodded with a small smile before slowly pulling his hands back.

Before he was going to get up, Xander held his hand, which made Joo-Won turn to him. When Xander looked at his face, he saw the bruises on his face that were bleeding. He sobbed, he felt so guilty. "I'm sorry. I-"

Joo-Won smiled and cut him off. "I know. No need to worry." He got up and kissed Xander's hair for the last time before getting out of the room. He could hear Jen was trying to talk to him and Xander's sobbing, a little calmer this time.

Joo-Won silently went downstairs, still shaken and clueless about what to do. Without thinking more, he slowly wore his shoes and got out of the house. He knew it was not fair for him to act like that but... He just needed to get away, even just for a few hours.

Even though he was walking, he could still hear Xander's faint cries. To be honest, he just wanted to sit down and cry but right now, he was just... numb. He never saw his brother that bad and now... it was much more than he could handle.

He knew better than feeling sad about the things he said, he knew it was because of the moment of anger. But he couldn't stop thinking about the things Xander said about him and how frustrated he was. His head replayed how he was throwing everything at him.

Joo-Won silently started to scratch his bruised arm as he tried to stop thinking about what happened.

"Joo-Won!"

Joo-Won quickly pull his hand to himself and slightly lifted his head, eyes meeting with Kyong's. The amount of concern and fear in his eyes... "Joo-Won are you okay? What are you doing here at this hour?" He looked like he was about to cry at any second because of how terrified he was. He then looked at his bruised face in fear.

Even though he wanted to talk, Joo-Won just passed by Kyong in silence, continuing to walk in slow-paced steps.

"Joo-Won? You are scaring me... Where... where is Xander? Is he okay?" Kyong could feel his heart racing in fear as he looked around.

Joo-Won stopped and turned to him, his face probably emotionless because he couldn't even process everything that happened, but tears were still escaping from his eyes. Kyong's eyes were shining because of tears.

"I'm really tired. Go home Kyong."

"But-"

"P-please."

Kyong shut his mouth when Joo-Won's voice cracked. He silently nodded after moments passed in silence and crossed the road without saying anything else. Joo-Won turned his head and continued to walk. Making him feel like that and not giving any explanation just broke his heart but he didn't know what to do anymore...

He didn't really know where he was going, he was just following the road.

Apparently, it brought him to the hospital, just like always. He silently got in, walking to the elevator.

When Joo-Won was about to press the button, a nurse rushed to him. "Sir, your hands! And your arm!" When he turned to her, the nurse widened her eyes. "Your face!"

Joo-Won looked at his arm, which was bleeding. It was probably when he fell to the floor, broken pieces of glass might cut it. And he didn't realize it earlier because it was dark outside. "It's nothing. Don't worry."

"But..."

He got inside the elevator and pushed the button as she just stared at him, unsure of what to do. When the doors closed, he sighed, his eyes starting to burn. He looked at his arms and watched the blood covering the bruises and scratches.

The click sound was the thing that prevented him from having a full mental breakdown. He got outside and stopped walking when he got to the room.

280.

He opened the door, getting inside with slow steps. Hwan was watching outside, and as always, didn't realize Joo-Won came. He closed the door behind himself, which drew Hwan's attention to him.

Hwan's cold face slowly changed as he was looking at Joo-Won. His eyes slightly widened, his mouth opening as he moved his upper body forward. "Joo-Won?"

That was it.

It was the last drop.

Suddenly, Joo-Won's eyes started to fill with tears, which quickly turned to sobs. His body was shaking and he couldn't feel his legs anymore. With great difficulty, Joo-Won went up to Hwan. With each step, the concern in Hwan's face grew while Joo-Won felt weaker and weaker. His whole body suddenly started to ache and the cuts on his arm burned. He couldn't do anything rather than cry, which was a little bit embarrassing actually.

Hwan silently scooted over and patted the empty space. Joo-Won looked at him, his face was back to normal but there was still a concern in his eyes. Hwan watched him as he slowly sat beside him, then eventually laid, his head resting on Hwan's right arm.

Joo-Won felt so little at that moment. He turned to Hwan's side and pulled his legs to himself. "I am useless Hwan, I could, 't do anything. I'm useless..."

He just wanted to disappear at that moment. He felt like he was supposed to stay beside Xander, but he knew it would make everything even harder for him. It was for the best but... it still felt wrong.

Joo-Won hugged Hwan with one of his arms as he turned his head to Joo-Won. Then, Hwan started to play with Joo-Wons hair with his right hand and touched his arm with the other. He silently examined the cuts on it, carefully caressing them with his thumb. Then, he reached his hand to get something. He took a small first aid kit that was on his nightstand and straighten up on the bed. Without removing his right arm and continuing to play with Joo-Wons hair, Hwan silently cleaned and disinfected the cuts with his other hand while Joo-Won just watched his serious face. Thankfully the cuts were not deep or too serious, but they were still bleeding.

He then looked at his face. When their eyes met, Hwan suddenly felt like his eyes were burning. He slowly caressed his cheeks before cleaning the small cuts on his face.

When it was finally done, Hwan placed band-aids on both his arm and his face and put everything back in the kit before putting it away.

After it was also done, he looked at Joo-Won. With difficulty, he turned his body to him, which Joo-Won knew was not easy for him to do. But he couldn't even help him. He felt just as useless as a piece of paper.

In silence, Hwan placed his hand on Joo-Wons right upper arm and caressed his arm with his thumb, careful not to touch the band-aids. He looked into his tearful eyes and slowly got closer, resting his forehead on Joo-Won's. He placed his hand on Hwan's waist and pulled his body a bit closer so he wouldn't roll.

They just stayed like that in silence. Hwan continued to caress Joo-Won's arm and play with his hair even when his eyes were closed, which played a huge role in calming Joo-Won down.

Hwan was not the type of person who would wipe away someone's tears and tell them everything will be okay. He was not naive like Joo-Won, as he thought. Hwan could understand everything and knew that even if he wiped the tears, there are still more to come. No matter how many times you wipe them away, there will be more and that little action was not enough to make it stop. So he just let Joo-Won cry, showing that he is here by helping him feel it physically.

(...)

Not everyone who menstruates is a woman and not all women menstruate.

This was probably the hardest thing I tried to understand when I first had my period on my, let's say, non-female day (I am non-binary if you don't know). I was just staring at the ground, not knowing what to do. Touching the period pad made me feel uncomfortable, even talking about it was enough to make me cry. I was already in a depressive episode and it was a really bad timing. When I saw my period, I think I cried for hours and couldn't sleep until I talked with my twin.

Talking about this topic is mostly very, very hard for trans people, and it is completely understandable. You don't need to talk about periods, but sadly, many trans people go through these types of things, no matter how long they have been on T.

To everyone who bleeds but is not a woman, you are as valid as others. I know and understand what you are going through, I know how hard it is for you. Please never forget that there are always people by your side, willing to help you in any way. Please don't be hard on yourselves and if you are using T, please check in with a doctor as a precautionary measure. I know this is hard but these days will end soon.

To every woman that does not have periods, you are as valid as the others too. Differences in body parts, hormonal differences, masculine face, and body features,... these are not things that make you any less of a woman. Your appearance is not the thing that makes you a woman, it's how you feel inside. No matter how you look, if you FEEL like a woman, then you ARE a woman, and nothing can ever change that. Please never forget this and live your life as the queen you are.

You are all loved. Please stay safe💖