⚠ TW: Mention of abuse and suicide. ⚠

Hwan looked at his younger brother in shock as Seojun slowly nodded. The second he understood it, a sudden wave of memories came flushing back to Hwan. He remembered how much he loved Seojun, and how much time they spent together. They used to play games all the time and even though they had an age gap, Hwan never got bored of him. He remembered the nights Seojun would crawl up to his bed, crying, because of how he was scared of thunders and storms, and how he would always calm down the second Hwan hugged him.

But he also remembered how, in just a few hours, Seojun was ripped out of his life. How he would think about his younger brother in that cold room whenever he heard thunders. How their parents used to say it was to 'protect' their beloved son from... Hwan.

"Wait is that..." Joo-Won came near them and before he could even finish his sentence, he realized that Hwan's eyes were starting to tear up.

Seojun did not change at all. He still looked the same, just a bit older and a lot taller. He looked exactly the same version of Hwan himself when he was around his age. Same eyes, expressions, body language, and gestures. He even had the same hairstyle.

"Hwan, aren't you going to say something to your brother?" Joo-Won, who was obviously thrilled for Hwan, looked at him in hopes of getting an answer.

But the second their eyes met, he froze.

Reuniting with Seojun was a thing Hwan dreamt of ever since he remembered his existence. But now that he was there, the only thing Hwan could think about was the consequences.

There was no sign of Hwan's surprised expression. Now, as his eyes were filled with tears, he was biting inside of his cheek, veins on his neck were getting visible like he was trying to hold himself back from screaming. Seojun looked confused, he thought his visit would make his older brother happy.

After a really long time of holding his anger in himself, Hwan finally snapped. "Are you out of your mind?!"

Joo-Won widened his eyes to Hwan's sudden yell and quickly kneeled in front of him, whose hands formed fists. "Hwan!"

"Your mother and father will kill you if they find out you are here! They will kill me too!"

Seojun widened his eyes in surprise. "B-but they won't do that, they are your parents too-"

Hwan suddenly slammed at the armrest of his wheelchair. "Those people are NOT my parents! You don't know a single thing yet you put all of our lives in danger! For what?!"

Joo-Won widened his eyes as well. He never saw Hwan's this side. Seeing how he finally refused to acknowledge those monsters as his own parents made Joo-Won feel slightly relieved, but the anger inside of him scared Joo-Won.

He felt like Hwan was starting to lose control.

Seojun took a step back. He just missed his brother, but he was not expecting something like this. He just wanted to talk. He wasn't even aware of his condition and was still trying to sink in everything. "I..."

"What? You thought they are not going to notice it?" Hwan's voice was a little calmer, but the angry tone was still the same. "Go home. And never come here again." His shoulders were going up and down with his rapid breathing.

Joo-Won felt like his heart dropped to his stomach. "Hwan wait."

Hwan turned his head to Joo-Won, who looked shocked just like his brother. When their eyes met, Hwan felt weak.

He was just trying to protect himself and his brother, but it was not possible if Seojun was eager to know the truth. He knew if their parents found out about this, they would not let him go that easy. And as his older brother, his heart could not take it anymore. Why do neither of them understand?

"Please think about this again. Don't just kick him out like this..."

But he needed to. Hwan took a deep breath and gritted his teeth. "Get out. And never come back." He repeated again. His burning eyes met with Seojun's sad eyes. It was clear from his expression that he was heartbroken.

And from sadness, anger grew. Seojun's breathing got faster, his eyebrows knitted as he clenched his jaw, which made Hwan hold his breath. "That's it? After all these years, that's the only thing you want to say? Not even a 'how are you' or 'how has it been'? I came all the way here-"

"Nobody asked you to come." Trying to hold his coldness, Hwan interrupted him in hopes of making him leave.

"Hwan..." Joo-Won held his hand, desperately trying to jolt him out of this weird version of him. It was like Hwan that first told him about Seojun and this Hwan were not the same person. Seeing him destroying the only chance he finally got after years with his own bare hands devastated Joo-Won.

Hwan's heart skipped a beat when he watched as his brother's eyes slowly moved to their hands with a confused frown on his face. With his slightly widened eyes, Hwan snatched his hand back. An uncomfortable silence fell to the room as Joo-Won blinked in confusion and sadly pulled his hands back to himself, while Seojun was insisting on staying despite his brother's angry looks.

Seojun looked at Joo-Won, who was staring at the floor, and turned back to his brother."Why are you doing this to him? You are making him sad. Your anger is towards me, not to him."

Hwan looked down to the floor first, then looked at Joo-Won with the corner of his eye. An apologetic look grew in his eyes, which Joo-Won responded by glancing away.

"Plus, I already know everything. You don't need to hide from me."

With what Seojun said, Joo-Won turned to him in shock.

And that, was the death blow for Hwan.

Suddenly, all the hopes he had suddenly got snatched away from him. He felt even worse than he used to, because now, he knew no matter how many good memories he had, it only took a second to destroy them.

With the realization that there was a chance of everything going to be destroyed and him somehow ending up back in that room, he froze. He felt like his heart stopped when he heard what he said. He couldn't breathe, it felt like someone was choking him. The unforgettable and horrible memories in that dark room flashed in his mind, making him gasp for air, which made both of them turn to him.

"Hwan? Hwan! Hwan it's okay please calm down!" In a panic, Joo-Won tried to calm him down but Hwan couldn't hear anything.

He knew what was going to happen. Their parents were going to find out Seojun learned the truth and just like how they left him here, they were going to take him back so he could always, ALWAYS be on their radar and never see his younger brother again. They were going to lock him up in that room again for God knows how many years, torture him and eventually the story was going to end with Hwan killing himself.

Even the thought of it was enough to scare him to death. He couldn't bear another second in that dark, hellish room.

"Get out!" His sudden scream made both Joo-Won and Seojun startle.

Joo-Won held his arm again. "Wait-"

But this time, Hwan snatched his arm back and looked at him with flames in his eyes. "Shut up shut up SHUT UP!" Joo-Won eyes grew in utter shock as Hwan turned his head back to a shocked Seojun. "I SAID GET OUT!"

Hwan screamed even louder this time, causing a nurse that was on that floor to barge in the room with the security of the floor. "Sir are you okay?"

"Take him! Take him away from me! NOW!" Hwan's terrified expression mixed with his trembling hands made them panic.

The nurse quickly turned to Seojun. "Sir I need you to get out. Please."

Seojun looked at his older brother in disbelief as he took a step back. "I can't believe you. I am your brother and this is how you treat me?" He sniffed and quickly wiped his tears. "You know what, fine. Just rot in here. I just wanted you to explain yourself for why you left-"

Hwan's eyes grew wide. "I left you? I LEFT YOU?!" He tried to leap forward but Joo-Won and the nurse quickly held him in place. "Why don't you ask your mommy and daddy for the truth?!"

"What do you-"

"Sir I really need you to get out or I will need to call the police."

With anger and confusion, Seojun got out of the room, the nurse and security going after him.

Joo-Won slowly sat on the ground in defeat, his eyes filling with tears as the door shut. Seeing how much pain both of them were in made his heart ache. He did go through a hard time with his own brother, so watching them hurting each other this bad made him go back in time: The times when Joo-Won couldn't understand why Xander was this timid and quiet around him.

He used to think that this behavior of his was only to him, which made him angry. But after time, he understood that it was a wall he made to protect himself from people.

Now, it felt like he was watching his 19-year-old self again. Screaming at his younger brother why he was acting like a weirdo when the only thing his 17-year-old brother could do was get smaller and smaller, just wanting to hide somewhere. Seojun was unaware of what Hwan had been through for years, he also didn't know his older brother was like this for a while now.

He was not the same person he was from Seojun's childhood. He had been through so much that he just wanted to protect himself. This was not selfish, no. He needed to protect himself. Actually, not only himself but his little brother as well. Seojun thought he was being rude and mean, but it was actually what his parents did to him. Hwan could have... Hwan...

Wait, why was he this silent?

Joo-Won slightly widened his eyes and instantly turned around, only to see Hwan was looking at the floor while rocking back to forth. He was murmuring something, but it was not clear what he was saying.

Joo-Won held his hands and tried to make him look at himself. "Hwan? Hwan look at me. Can you hear me?" He slightly shook him, which finally made him slowly turn his eyes to his worried eyes. "I will talk to him okay? I will explain it. He will understand." He got up and ran outside, his eyes frantically trying to find Seojun.

Hwan just continued to look at the floor. His eyes were roaming around the white tiling of the floor, slowly inhaling and exhaling the air he couldn't even feel he was breathing. Making his brother feel like that was not even the last thing he would want.

"He hates me. He hates me. He-"

"Of course he does."

His eyes and body stopped moving when a voice echoed in his mind. It was too loud, like someone was screaming at him. But the tone of his voice was not angry, it was more like... Pity?

"What did you expect to happen? Did you think you guys were going to hug it out or something?"

Hwan finally understood who the voice belonged to. He heard his screams long enough to memorize them.

It was his father.

Hwan shut his eyes and took a trembling breath. He hit his head with his palm and whispered in silence as his upper body continued to rock back and forth, faster this time. "Stop..."

"You left him alone."

"I didn't leave him alone. I had no choice." He opened his tearful eyes and whispered again. "You were going to kill me."

"That's your excuse? He was just a kid. You should have stayed. He is your brother."

Hwan hit his head continuously with his palm as hard as he can and whimpered. "Please..." He shut his eyes as he tried to remember the day he ended up here, but failed again. It was like all the progress he had made was gone. "I don't remember... I don't remember anything."

He hit his head harder to find something, anything. But nothing worked. His eyes filled with tears as his silent sobs filled the room.

"I will tell you what happened. You let your brother down. Try to suppress it and act like you can't remember anything as much as you can, but you know the truth. You should have stayed."

The voice echoed in his mind for the last time. He sobbed and hit his head again before his arms dropped.

Now he was just mumbling to himself as he lifted his head languishingly. His eyes looked around, finally stopping when they met with his own reflection in the window. For a split second, his younger self's reflection flashed on the glass, which made Hwan's heart skip a beat in fear. His eyes started to tear up, even more, anger building inside as his numbness slowly turned to frustration.

The only thing he could think about at that moment was the fact that he would rather die than go back to that hell.

(...)

When he finally found him on a bench outside of the hospital door, Joo-Won walked up to and sat beside Seojun. When Seojun saw him, he quickly gathered his things to go but stopped when Joo-Won held his wrist.

"Let's just talk. Please."

Seojun thought for a moment, then sat down in silence.

"How did you..."

"I heard my mom talking on the phone with a nurse."

Min... It must be the day Min talked with Hwan's parents to let him go just for a day.

"But it looks like it was not worth it."

"Hey... Don't say that. He missed you so much."

Seojun smiled. "You think so?" His sarcastic tone made Joo-Won feel bad. 

"I know so." The smile on Seojun's face slowly faded as Joo-Won turned to him. "Look... He had... a hard time remembering his past."

He didn't want to say he had amnesia for some reason, but Seojun wanted to know better. "What do you mean?"

Joo-Won sighed. "He didn't remember what his past before he was admitted to the hospital with... his legs like this. He just remembered you not too long ago."

Seojun widened his eyes a little. "I-"

"Didn't know." Joo-Won looked at him with a sad smile. "I know. It's not your fault. And ever since he remembered you, he always mentioned you. He never told me that, but you must be blind to not notice that he missed you. You saw how he first looked at you. But he had been through so much in your absence that changed him and shaped him the way he is now. He was just trying to protect both himself and you from your parents, and you know this too."

A silence fell between them. Even though he knew better than interfering with their family relationships, Joo-Won couldn't hold his thoughts. "I also know that deep down, you... You know your parents are the reason why he is like this."

Seojun stayed in silence as he started to think about everything again and calculate them. The day when they suddenly decided to send him to a boarding school, how his brother was not even there to say goodbye to him, why their parents never let him come back home and when he did one time, how Hwan's room was exactly the same of the time they used to stay together, ...

He always used to connect this thing to the dislike his brother had towards him, but now, he was not sure what it was.

And to be completely honest, he was terrified to find the truth out.

Joo-Won looked at the sky and sighed. "Look. I have a younger brother too, we met two years ago. He was always so quiet around me, never looked at my face and our only communication was a small bow. One day I got really angry and asked him what I did to deserve this coldness. I was his brother, after all, right?" Seojun slowly nodded in silence as Joo-Won continued. "He didn't do anything. He just tried to hide himself and stayed silent. Back then, I couldn't understand why he was doing this. I was just trying to be a good brother to him. But as time passed and the school started, I finally understood why."

"Why was he acting like that?"

"He went through a really hard time when he was away. Mr. Park, our... father," Even saying the word 'father' made Joo-Won feel sick. "Took him to China when he was only a couple of months old. He constantly got sick and people were horrible to him. Every time he went to the hospital, he thought it was going to be his last day. So, he built a huge wall to protect both himself and his loved ones. He thought by becoming distant from them, he would prevent them from getting devastated if... if he couldn't make it out alive."

Joo-Won sighed and looked at Seojun, whose eyes that were fixed on the floor were starting to fill with tears and his lips trembling. "I never thought like this... I just thought he was doing it out of revenge." Seojun lifted his head and looked at Joo-Won. "I need to apologize and explain myself."

Joo-Won nodded as they both got up. Seojun suddenly hugged him, which made Joo-Won startle at first. Then, he hugged him back and got out of the hospital as Seojun rushed back to the hospital.

(...)

He was just about to take out his keys when his phone started to ring. It was Xander. Thinking he was inside the house, he declined the call since he was right outside the door. The second he put his phone in his pocket, it rang again. Joo-Won sighed in annoyance and opened the phone. "What-"

He froze when he heard the voices on the other end of the phone. People were crying and begging, the panicked conversations and the sound of them running was enough to make Joo-Won understand something was wrong.

Horribly wrong.

The sobs of Xander made Joo-Won widen his eyes and take a step back. "Where... where are you?"

Xander's breathless voice made him feel dizzy. "Hospital. Joo-Won you need to come here-"

"No! Stop!" Hwan's scream behind Xander made Joo-Won gasp.

"Hwan please calm down and let us do our work!" Then Kyong, whose voice was filled with panic, just like other people that were with Xander.

"Xander what..." Joo-Won held his heart when Hwan's painful screams filled his right ear.

"You need to come here Joo-Won, now!"

"NO!"

Joo-Won quickly closed his phone despite Hwan's refusal. He put his phone in his pocket in hurry and started to run, running with all his strength.

While he was running, he couldn't hold his tears. He couldn't hold back the sobs that escaped his lips while crying. He tried to wipe them, but when he understood the tears were only going to come more, he closed his mouth with his hand and sobbed. He couldn't even see clearly because the tears made everything blurry. His hair was flying back as he even fastened, causing a few people to quickly get to the side and give him shocked looks.

If he just went back to his room with Seojun, or not leave his side at all... Maybe he could have prevented it. Maybe the three of them would be talking right now. Maybe they would have talked things through and were hugging right now. Maybe, maybe, maybe... The maybes were filling Joo-Won's mind, making him go crazy.

He screamed as his legs were burning. He sobbed and screamed again, but this time, because of the burning sensation in his heart. His heart couldn't take it, not again. He knew his feeling very well, and the last time he felt like this, everything ended terribly.

While he was running with all his strength, all of his memories went through his mind once again. It was like his life was flashing before his eyes. The memories suddenly stopped rushing on a certain, familiar face.

Yukio.

He shook his head to make the image disappear, but it was too late.

Suddenly, all of their old memories started to rush into his mind, making him want to throw up. He could feel his body was starting to tremble, but he couldn't stop now. Instead, he grit his teeth and clenched his jaw in pain.

He couldn't help but remember their memories. Their first time meeting, the first date they went, the first kiss they shared, Yukio's playful actions and their happy times...; their fights, the constant responsibility Yukio made him feel, his mood swings, Yukio's last message before his first suicide attempt, his screams and tantrums he was throwing in his hospital bed, Yukio's painful screams while Joo-Won was crying and begging on his knees to him, in hopes for preventing his second attempt, and eventually, his last breaths on his deathbed when the only thing Joo-Won could do was waiting for the doctor and watching his lover writhe because of his broken bones when he jumped down from the fourth floor of his building...

All of his past fears and memories were slowly disappearing into thin air, leaving his body just like the teardrops that were streaming down to his cheeks uncontrollably.

And with that, it was gone.

The part of him that never forgave himself for not doing anything was gone.

Now, it turned to anger to himself for not staying beside Hwan. It was there again, but this time, it was about Hwan.

The fear of never being able to see his face, that tiny smile, never being able to watch him while he was peacefully reading his book, looking outside of the small window at night, his changing expressions when their fingers touched, his chuckles whenever Joo-Won did something funny,...

The fear of never being able to see him again was killing him.