21.11

After everything calmed down a little, everyone went back to their normal lives; except for Kyong, who couldn't even move his finger. He was not in pain but encountering something like that for the first time emotionally drained him.

The day everything happened, after he cleaned his wounds and treated them, Min thought it would be best for everyone if he went home early that day. Of course, Kyong didn't argue and left early, leaving Xander alone in the hospital. He, of course, felt bad for it but he just wanted to get away for a couple of hours.

And now, as those hours turned to days, he didn't know what to do.

He sighed and continued to watch the ceiling. To be honest, he felt extremely dumb and was angry at himself. This was a job that things like these were seen on a daily basis and one shall not let it affect them this much, however, there he was, not being able to hold his tears whenever he remembered those minutes. He felt childish and like he was exaggerating everything. He felt angry and disappointed in himself because he let a thing like this get the best of him and destroy his mind.

He also hated himself for getting angry at Hwan. Seeing the hatred in his eyes even though they were not targeted at him made Kyong feel scared every second he closed his eyes and saw the look. Even though he was not frustrated, he didn't want to see his face. Kyong knew very well that it was not Hwan's fault, and he would never hurt him. But still, he couldn't stop himself from being sad, and mostly, disappointed.

A single good news he got was that his mother's condition was getting better, but Kyong couldn't even feel happy or relieved. Her condition always worsened suddenly even if she was okay for some time. He knew that the small victories meant nothing anymore.

What made him slip out of his thoughts was the doorbell that echoed in the small house. He first waited in silence, hoping whoever that is would leave if he didn't answer it.

But after five minutes and the continuous bangs on the door, he got up and walked to the door while grunting. "What?!" He swung open the door with a frown, but his expression quickly changed when he saw who was standing.

Of course it was Xander.

"Sorry..." Xander looked down at his feet while Kyong sighed.

He moved a bit and signaled him to get inside, which Xander quickly obeyed and took his shoes off before getting in.

He sat on one of the stools in front of the kitchen counters and put his bag on the other one. "Kyong, why are you here?"

To be honest, Xander was still burning with anger towards Kyong but at the same time, he was starting to understand more and more. He knew he could never look at him the way he used to, and also knew that nothing was going to be the same as it was before between them. But they had a past, and even though he didn't want to admit it anymore, Xander cared for Kyong.

Actually, he loved Kyong. Not in a friendship type of love, but love love.

Kyong went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Because this is where I live?" he said, back turned against Xander while searching for a drink.

Xander rolled his eyes. "Don't act like you don't know what I mean."

Kyong sighed and grabbed the whiskey bottle before closing the fridge. He put it on the counter and turned back to get himself a glass and some ice. "Min gave me a free day."

"Yeah, days ago."

When he put two cubes of ice in the glass and turned to Xander, he saw Xander was holding the bottle. Kyong sighed in annoyance. "Can you give it-"

"Get your shit together."

Kyong slightly widened his eyes as he stared at Xander's knitted eyebrows and serious expression. Xander was not the type of person to talk like that, especially to Kyong. Kyong couldn't help the chuckle in disbelief escape from his mouth. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. You are acting like a fucking toddler. This," Xander lifted the bottle he was holding. "This is not you. What do you expect to happen? You are going to be a doctor, Kyong. Doctor. These must be-"

Xander was caught off guard when Kyong slammed the glass he was holding to the countertop, which nearly caused it to break. He stared at the crack on the glass for a second. He was surprised, but he was not planning on turning back and running away. On the contrary, this made him even angrier. How could act like a fucking child when he did all those stuff to Hwan? "I thought I was supposed to be the teen here."

Kyong scoffed in anger as he slammed his hands on the countertop and glared at Xander. "Oh give me a fucking break! What the hell Xander? I just want a couple of days off and this is the response I get? I am drained! Am I not a human? Don't I deserve it?!" He went up to his side as Xander turned his upper body to him.

Xander sighed and talked again, this time, with a calmer voice. "You are and you do. I didn't say you are not-"

"Then just shut up and let me live!!"

"You're not listening, I-"

"You what?! Don't even let me breathe? Yeah, you fucking not! Why did you even come here in the first place?!"

As his voice got louder, Xander jumped down from the stool and poked his chest with his index finger. "Because there is a person that needs you Kyong! I know you went through shit and I don't blame you. But I also know exactly how it feels to accidentally hurt someone you deeply care about and believe me, it feels horrible!" As he yelled the last word and his voice echoed in the room, Kyong felt small. He backed away as Xander pushed his chest with his finger and walk up to him in anger. "You don't deserve the days off! You don't deserve the sympathy of anyone! You dig this hole yourself and now you cannot cry because it backfired! If you really cared about Hwan, you wouldn't agree to them!"

Kyong looked at him in confusion. "What hole, what agreement? Xander what are you talking about?"

"Shut up! There is a boy who is dying inside right now! Even Min pulled herself together and is now helping Hwan to recover. Do you think drinking and getting wasted for a couple of hours is going to help you forget his existence?!"

Kyong tried to hold his hands to calm him down. "I-"

But Xander yanked his hands from his grip and pushed him, hard, causing Kyong to lose his balance and fall on his butt. The part of Xander that cared for Kyong was starting to disappear every second he looked at his face. He was feeling disgusted by just looking at Kyong.

Kyong lifted his shocked face to Xander, who was still screaming at him. "Don't even think about telling me to calm down! You know damn well how much Hwan needs you right now before going to the operation tomorrow and here you are, not even getting your ass up! You know how ashamed he is feeling right now and you know he is missing you. You don't even deserve to be feeling bad about but Hwan still does!"

As Xander took a couple of seconds to catch up on his breathing and calmed down, Kyong felt his body was numb. He couldn't move even though he tried so hard to get up and talk this out. He wanted to get his ass up, apologize, wear his coat and run to the hospital. But he couldn't. He was just staring at the younger one with his widened eyes and slightly open lips.

When Xander could finally take a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a second and breathed out. Then, he opened his eyes and looked at Kyong for the last time, and even his expression was enough to hit Kyong with the realization that... He just lost everything.

"I am disappointed in you. No, actually, I am disgusted by you. I hope I never see your face again." Even though the last part was hard for Xander to say, he knew he meant it.

It was the part that made him the saddest.

Xander took his bag and slammed the door shut after he got out without looking back once, leaving Kyong paralyzed in shock on the ground.

As Xander fastened his steps, he sobbed. Of course he was crying. He built up so much and when he finally exploded, it had some pretty serious damage.

His anger started to build up two days ago when he saw Kyong was not at the hospital. Of course, at first, he thought it was for the best, but when he saw Min was there, taking care of her patients even though she looked horrible, his heart ached. He knew how she cared for Hwan and he was practically her little brother, but she still found the strength to come back and go on with her life because there were people who need her. And that's when he thought to himself, 'Wait, why is he not here?'

He went to check on Hwan, who was a total mess. He was not eating anything despite the desperate attempts of Joo-Won trying his best to make him eat. Hwan had this devastated look on his face when he was asking for Kyong. He said he was feeling ashamed of himself and just wanted to apologize, but Kyong was nowhere to be found. The only thing Xander could do was to look down and mumble that he was not able to reach him.

The second day Xander went back to the hospital and gave the same answer to Hwan, his eyes teared up. He even begged Xander to contact him but of course, Kyong was not opening his phone either. Xander was getting more and more furious with each passing hour while Hwan was breaking down. Neither Xander nor Joo-Won knew what to do, but it was clear that this was not working. Joo-Won told him to go to his house and talk with Kyong, but Xander said it might be a bad idea because his condition was probably not the best either, so he denied Joo-Won's suggestion despite how much he insisted.

On the third day, Hwan didn't even talk. He just looked at Xander, who couldn't even look him in the eyes, and finally, broke down completely. He started to cry in silence as he buried his face in his hands. As Joo-Won was trying to calm him down, Hwan was telling him how ashamed he was and how much he wanted to make everything right again between his small sobs. And that, was the last drop that filled the glass. Not even a minute later Xander found himself running to Kyong's house. It was actually better that he was the one who got there because if it was Joo-Won, there would have been a huge fight.

Kyong was a soon-to-be doctor, he shouldn't have let these things affect him like this! Of course it was understandable to get a day off, but then he should have just got his shit together and come back to the hospital. That was his friend and he needed him. Even talking would have helped but he just decided to run away. Like a coward. Just making Hwan feel that he was by his side was enough to make him way better.

Being by his side was not... that hard...

It didn't take Xander long to finally realize what was happening as his steps slowed down.

His anger was not only towards Kyong, but to himself as well.

He felt extremely angry at himself because of how useless he was for both Hwan and his brother these past weeks. Both of them were going through a really hard time right now and the only thing Xander was able to do was to tell them that Kyong was not there, which of course did not help at all. He couldn't even look Hwan in the eyes and have a genuine talk with him because he was scared, and it was only now that he realized it was also affecting him as much as Kyong's absence.

He was trying to find someone to take all the blame so badly, but in reality, he was a good-for-nothing as well.

Every time he went to the room, he just stared at the ground and didn't even stay there for more than a minute. The saddest part was that every single time he went there, both of them tried to talk with him. Deep down, he knew that if he stayed and spent time with them, Hwan wouldn't feel so alone. But Xander always ran away from it, leaving both of them in sadness and loneliness.

He also started to remember the times when he was acting weird around Kyong and was pushing him away from himself, even before he found out about the... thing.

He bottled up this anger to both Kyong and himself and when he opened his mouth, everything just poured uncontrollably.

And sadly, there was no way to take back what he said now.