Hwan frantically ran around the room and turned the boxes upside down. They were filled with his old childhood stuff, but they were mostly baby products.

At first, only knowing about his early childhood was enough for him. But as days passed, he started to want to know more. More about his past, more about where everything went this bad.

He forced himself to remember what his life was in his child or teen years, but nearly nothing was working. When he realized flipping boxes were not going to work, he sat on the ground and took quick breaths. He then screamed and hit the floor in anger.

He wanted, needed to know more, but nothing was working.

18.10

Hwan opened his eyes with a sharp breath and blinked a few times to pull himself together. His breaths got quicker as he sat up on his bed.

He mumbled while his hands formed tight fists. "Why is it not working..." He hit his bed while gritting his teeth.

He was furious. He was furious that even his own self didn't think that he had the right to know his past. It made him boil with anger.

The only thing that forced him to calm down was the knock on his door. After a few seconds of a forced calming down session, he sighed. He wanted to force himself to remember more, but at the same time, he got excited that Joo-Won finally came. He took one last breath, unable to hide his little smile. "Come in."

But he was surprised to see someone else instead of Joo-Won. His face changed from excited to emotionless at the speed of light.

"Can I..?"

Hwan silently nodded.

"I know you were waiting for my brother-"

"I didn't say that."

Xander nodded and sighed. He sat down at the usual place Joo-Won sat whenever he came, which made Hwan feel a little... uncomfortable?

When he realized that Hwan was nearly glaring at him, Xander moved to the other chair that was near the one he was sitting, which seemed to calm Hwan down a little.

Xander turned to him and exhaled in stress. "Look... I know our first meeting was... rude..."

Hwan kept his silence while Xander was thinking about how to continue. He did notice that Hwan was actually extremely similar in behavior to himself the second he saw him, that's why it was a little bit challenging to him. Talking to someone who resembles you might seem easier, but it was actually the opposite.

"I was just trying to protect Joo-Won," Xander finally blurted out. "I don't want to see him suffer more. He already been through so much and-" Lifting his head, Xander realized Hwan's eyes were fixed on his sheet. He blinked a few times and turned his head to somewhere else. "I talked too much... Gosh this was a bad idea sorry... Maybe I should-"

Xander attempted to get up but Hwan's words made him freeze. "Yukio." When he realized what he said, Hwan quickly closed his mouth and turned to him with his slightly widened eyes. "I..."

"How do you know his name?"

"Joo-Won... Joo-Won told me about him."

Xander slowly sat back down, this time with mixed feelings on his face. He looked both sad and a little bit angry. "When?"

"Some time ago. I..." Hwan gulped as he started to play with the sleeves of his clothes just like he did every time he got anxious. "I didn't know it. I swear. I didn't mean to make him talk about it. We were playing a game to break the ice and he briefly mentioned him." Hwan silently dug his nails into his own hand and scratched it. "Then I said some bullshit and made him feel horrible..."

When Hwan fell silent, Xander looked at him with a serious look on his face this time. "The time I found him on the first day you guys met, he was... he was not good. In fact, it was the first time I saw him that bad since everything happened."

Hwan lifted his head quickly, his shocked and concerned eyes meeting with Xander's strangely empty ones. The last thing Xander wanted was to make this poor boy feel worse than he was; but at the same time, he wanted Hwan to know what he was causing to his brother. "He was crying and shaking, it was clear that he couldn't breathe. He was continuously holding and hitting his chest and he was out of breath. I didn't know what to do. It was the first time I saw him like that since... Since Yukio's death."

"H-how did he..." As silence fell in the room, Hwan shut his mouth and cursed himself.

"I feel like Joo-Won should be the one to tell you this, but the only thing I can probably say to you is that he gets very stressed when he sees someone in pain. It was why he was like that the time you first met." A small bit of sadness appeared in Xander's eyes. "For weeks, I was blaming you for all of this, and I was actually pretty sure that he never wanted to see you again." He felt ashamed of himself.

Hwan pressed his nails harder while scratching, making the places turn reddish and tiny blood dots appear.

"But then I saw you two for the first time on the picnic." Xander looked at Hwan and breathed out. "That was when I realized it was not like what I think at all. It was not your fault. That day was just an automatic reaction Joo-Won gave. I am truly sorry that I blamed you for it."

Hwan nodded and looked at Xander. "No need to apologize. I just... want him to be safe, just like you do."

Xander smiled softly, but couldn't get a smile back in return.

After a few seconds, Xander straightened his posture. "So. I have some questions for you."

Hwan knitted his eyebrows a little with confusion. Was this a job interview or something?

"Would you like to tell me how you end up here?"

Hwan eyed Xander for a second. "On a wheelchair, you mean?" As Xander's face turned bright red while he tried to tell him that was not what he meant, Hwan just chuckled. "Don't worry. It was a medical mistake. I was very sick and needed to get shots and at the hospital, they made a newbie nurse take care of me. He was talking on his phone and while laughing, he injected the solution into the wrong place, causing me to lose sense on the lower half of my legs. I don't really remember those days because I was told that I was extremely sick. Since then, I am on this wheelchair."

Xander couldn't hide his shock as he closed his hanging mouth with his hand. "How can someone be this irresponsible... Did you sue him?"

"Yeah of course we did," Hwan said, just hoping he would believe it.

"Glad to hear that. People like him don't deserve sympathy."

Both of them smiled.

"And to the real question: Why are you here?"

"I... what?"

"I mean, I heard from Joo-Won that you are here for a very long time. I am just curious because I thought disabled people didn't have to stay in the hospital." As Hwan's face changed, Xander quickly regret what he said. At that point, he just wanted to jump out of the window. "Fuck, sorry, I shouldn't have said disabled. I'm-"

"No, it's okay. It's not wrong. And for that, I am technically an orphan. My family used to take care of me for the first month and I needed to stay here because of some other health issues, but then they left me completely when my condition got worse and worse. Even though I slowly got better, they refused to check me out of the hospital."

With the sudden pain, Xander bit inside of his cheek and crossed his legs, trying to give his full attention to Hwan, who was shockingly speaking more than a few words.

"I still sometimes try to contact them but it never works, so I just gave up on them and try to live, I guess."

"But why didn't you get out when you reached 20? You could have just signed the papers and gotten out."

"I know but I got sick really bad the day I wanted to get out, and after that, I just couldn't find the strength to get out. I just... chickened out, I guess." Hwan sighed and started to play with the sheets that were covering his legs. "It is too much for me to handle. And even if I try, I probably will not be allowed."

Xander tilted his head and knit his eyebrows in confusion. "Why wouldn't you?"

Hwan casually shrugged. "They are paying people to keep me here."

Xander's eyes widened. How could they do this to their own child! What type of creatures were they?! "What?!"

"Guess the one with money holds all the power."

"How can they... What type of... How do they even sleep at night!"

Hwan scoffed. "Probably like babies."

Xander looked at him in surprise. How was he so calm about this...

But of course, Hwan was not a professional actor.

Xander's expression grew sad when he noticed the small, but deep, sadness in Hwan's eyes.

"Enough. Other question?"

"I uh..." Xander cleared his throat to pull himself together. "What is going on between you and Joo-Won?"

Hwan, as always, knitted his eyebrows once again. "Nothing? We just spend time together, that's it."

"Nothing else?"

Hwan slowly shook his head as no after a small second of hesitating, which did not slip out of Xander's sharp eyes. He smiled proudly, he knew they just needed some time. "Okay then."

"You and Kyong? Or should I say, Bao?"

Xander was surprised by the sudden question, but it would be a lie if he told he was not waiting for it. Even a dumbass would understand how this boy was great at analyzing. "I don't know. We are just friends, I guess. For now."

Finally, Hwan smiled again. It was more like a smirk, but it was enough for Xander. "For now huh?"

"Yeah. Maybe it won't last long before he decides to cut things off with me."

The expression on Hwan's face changed. That was not what he was expecting to hear. "Why do you think he would do that?"

Xander took a deep breath. "Because I... I am... trans." When he said those three words out loud to a person who was not a part of his family, he suddenly felt as light as a feather. A wave of emotions hit him right in the chest. His tense body let itself relieve as his eyes started to fill up with tears.

When Hwan realized how much of a change this small sentence created on Xander, he flashed a small smile for a second before it going back to how it was a second ago. Then, he just nodded, not changing the expression on his face. "And you think he will stay away from you when he learns this?"

Xander just nodded, this time, a wave of sadness hitting him and a warm tear dripping to his cheek.

"I think you didn't fully get to know him. He has a pure heart, even if your feelings are not mutual, he will never cut his ties with you. He is not someone like that."

Xander noticed his talk about feelings. He wanted to refuse that but when he looked at Hwan, he just didn't want to correct himself. He liked Kyong, and Hwan already knew it. So why try to change his mind on it?

Xander smiled sadly. He knew that too but it was not like he could trust people that easily. "We were actually planning to meet sometime, but I have these strange pains in my stomach lately. I feel sad that I can't see him today..."

His little pout was enough to make Hwan smile. Real smile this time. "Hey, he works here, you can see him tomorrow too. But be careful about those pains."

Xander nodded and slowly got up, holding the below of his stomach. As he was about to get out, Hwan called him. "And please be careful about who you trust on coming out. I am glad you trusted me enough, but you can't do this to everyone. I would never suggest people stay in the closet but..."

"It's for my own safety. I know..."

Both of them smiled sadly.

After Xander got out, Hwan took a deep breath and turned his head to the window once again, trying to let the new pieces of information he learned about Joo-Won sink into his brain.

He even forgot about his dream, which was a good thing for him. He could feel himself losing control every single day, and it was scaring him.

To be honest, having a conversation with each other made both of them happy. They just clicked the second they started to talk, and it was a friendship both of them needed very much.