Arya looked at her phone one more time.
The number at her display was there for the last few days, but she didn't dare to lift her finger to touch it and give it a call.

Arya tossed the phone aside and laid down. Her hands came and covered her face while she sighed heavily.

Her head was in puzzle and confusion. It was angry but sorry. It was betrayed but soft, broken but longing.

She took the photo in her hand which she was looking at for the last few days. It was the photo she found in her box, of her and Jin's in the academy.

Her right hand came and slowly touched the younger versions of them when their world was so different. Innocence- that still was there in her smile, in Jin's eyes, in both of their presence.

Her fingers slowly caressed the face of Jin in the photo.
The more she touched, the more she didn't want to let go.

The pull in her heart was hard to ignore and her eyes teared up again.

She almost scoffed at her thoughts-
She was ready to kill Jin after she knew he was the one who killed her father, and when she came to know that her father killed both of his parents- suddenly she want him back in her life?

What a ridiculously shameless and selfish thought!

It is already a miracle that Jin stayed calm even after he knew who she was, whose daughter she was.
But she couldn't do the same, could she?

How selfish would it look if she goes back, tells Jin that she doesn't want to lose the only important thing in her life right now- how pathetic would it sound?

Arya pulled the pillow towards her and slowly covered her face with it.
After a few long breaths into it, her resilience gave up and her body crumbled on the sheet, the pillow blotted the tears away while her silent cry disappear into the thick layers of cotton.

Her body jerked with every sob as her fingers clutched the pillow for dear life, making sure the cry stays silent.

So that's how it feels?

The phone buzzed and Arya picked it up, "Yes?"

"The conference room. Now."

"Got it." Arya put down the phone.

The annual conference of NIS was called.
Masking in the official conference, the special branch arranged a secret conference for the people involved in the case of MOSSAD and the CIA.

She was now in Busan, staying at the hotel NIS arranged for their assets.
Arya wondered how does it feel to be a certified NIS agent who can easily claim himself as just another government employee. Where secret agents like herself have nothing to say and have to stay secretive about their work-life in the special branch.

Arya went into the city conference room within five minutes.
She halted at the door just after entering the room.
The long conference table was already ready for the agents and just six chairs were there.
She was the last one to enter. She quickly bowed to the cheif but her movement slowed down seeing Jin sitting in one of the chairs.

Other chairs were filled with Namjoon, Soojin, and Taehyung.

"Have a seat." The cheif indicated her towards a chair.

The conference was long. The strategies were made, a backup team was proposed for an emergency, Namjoon was assigned for information and assistance in the conference with the delegates from North Korea the next day. North Korea finally gave the green signal that they were ready to hear whatever NIS has wanted to inform them with solid proof and sent an investigation team here in South Korea.

South Korea is covering it as a conference regarding the border killing and peacemaking situation in media.

Soojin was appointed as the liaison officer with the Blue House, whether the cheif was the head of this whole mission.

Jin was assigned as the cheif of the special agents appointed for the security of the whole setup. He was introduced to his special team of security and agents and was briefed about the whole plannings of the roles and security detailings for the next day.

Taehyung and Arya were kept as the backup for the defense conference with the US force regarding the possessions of the army bases.
They had enough reasons to believe that the US won't make their nasty moves until that defense conference and unless they get the rejection about the bases.

The meeting ended with detailed planning for preventive measures and backup plans.

When Arya got back to the hotel after the dinner with Taehyung, it was quite late.

She got into the elevator and just before the door closes, One hand was inserted in between the doors.

The door opened again and Jin silently entered the elevator and pressed the close button.

The elevator was unusually silent, especially for someplace where Arya was present.
Jin's face was indifferent like he was the whole time in the conference room.

The ninth floor seemed so long.
The silence was almost a visible curtain between them.

Arya looked at her fingernails the whole time, head still in the cloud.
After the ding of the elevator indicated they reached their floor, Arya was a little startled.
She of course didn't expect anything from Jin, but seeing him going out and casually opening the suite door beside her room, Arya's heart sank a bit even she couldn't say why.

Waiting for a moment outside the elevator, Arya finally moved towards her room.
She entered the key card and opened her door.

Entering the room, She leaned against the closed door for a moment.
A sigh escaped her hollow mind and something just exploded inside her.

Before she could turn into a crying puddle on the floor right then, she stormed out of the room again and found herself knocking on Jin's room just within a moment.

Before Jin could fully open the door, She pushed the door aside and barged inside the room, and strived towards his sofa.
Her face was buried in a cushion in no time as she breathed heavily to stable her unstable mind.

She managed to calm herself down after a few moments.
When she finally let the cushion fall on her lap, she saw Jin was standing in front of her calmly.

He put down a glass of water in front of her and pushed it towards her on the center table.

Arya's eyes lingered on the glass and she didn't let her sight slide off it.
She couldn't look at Jin, "you said I'd hate you."

"And you should." His voice was calm.

"Then why I can't?" Arya's voice broke.

Silence.

"I'd be happy if I could hate you, Kim Seokjin! But Why can't I? Why do I trust you this much?"
Arya's voice was vulnerable.
"I tried to hate you. All these days. I just couldn't! I don't know what you have done to me," Arya sighed, "but this is the cruelest thing ever, you know? You know how much it hurts to want to hate but end up giving up?"

"I am sorry," Jin's voice was clear.

"People say the hardest thing is to forgive. But why for me it turns out that it hurts more to hate you than forgive you?"

Silence.

Arya slowly picked up the glass and finished it in one go.

Her eyes teared up when she finally looked up from the tabletop to Jin.

"Jin?"

"Mnn."

"I am sorry!" The words that came out contained so much regret and pain that Jin frowned slightly.

Arya fisted both palms in her lap and her chin trembled slightly in an attempt not to break down,
"I am sorry!"

"Look at me." Jin's voice was a little concerned.

Arya didn't look back. Her fingers dug the fabric of the cushion on her lap and again mumbled, "I am sorry."

Arya sensed that Jin got up from his seat and came to stand in front of her.
He got down on his one knee to face Arya.

"Look at me." Jin's hand made a slight touch under her chin to make her look up. Arya's vision blurred as she again mumbled, "I am so sorry!"

"Talk to me" Jin's voice was assuring, as if he was ready to do anything if that was what she needed right then.

"Why don't you hate me, Jin?" Arya this time looked up.

"I can't do that," Jin answered without hesitation.

"You should." Arya paused, "I know everything."

Jin instantly frowned, "you know what?"

"About my father. About your parents. About everything." Arya looked at him, "Why are you so ok about it when I couldn't control myself that day?"

"You have nothing to do with this." Jin dismissed her, "You can go on pondering on it, but nothing will change."

"Don't you feel anything when you look at me, Jin?" Arya tried to smile, "no regret? No anger? No remorse? Don't I repulse you?"

Jin touched her hand, "listen to me, you didn't kill my parents. So stop acting like you did."

"My father did."

"That's on him." Jin sighed, "you know what I like about myself?"

"What?"

"I have a clear conscience." Jin's words were firm, "and with that I know I have no right to hate you or blame you for something someone did to me just because he is your father. You are your own person. You hear me?"

"You are quite chatty today," Arya mumbled quietly.

"And that's exactly why I know that you should hate me. I have no excuse for what I have done." Jin continued without giving her words much attention.

"Even though he was guilty?" Arya frowned. She was breaking inside even more thinking about the man she worshipped. He was the reason she wanted to choose this life to be cool like him, to be strong and independent.
"Even though you did it to save yourself?"

"A kill is a kill." Jin's voice was calm, "I can't justify with whatever excuses I have in my pocket. It is a life. And I have to be responsible for every one of them."

"How many lives you have taken, Jin?" Arya asked silently.

"Don't ask." Jin stood up and took off the jacket suit that he hadn't time to change after coming into his room and quietly headed to the balcony, "You'll think I am a monster too."

Arya stayed in her place for a few more minutes and then got up and came out.

Jin was leaning on the railing, eyes on the night view of the vast sea ahead.

"And you take the responsibility for every death you have caused?" Arya lowered her voice, "How do you still stay sane?"

"How do doctors stay sane with all the patience died in their hands?" Jin didn't seem to hold back today, "By thinking about the people they were able to save."
He looked at his side, "Arya, I am not a good person like you say. If anything, I am just a killing machine made modest. But what I do know is, there are no excuses that can reduce my sins, all I can do is know what I have done, acknowledge what I could have done, and just pray for better days."

"That must be hard." Arya looked back, "that must be hard keeping it in all alone."

Jin didn't say anything and looked ahead.

Arya suddenly chuckled, "You know what, Jin?"

Jin looked back at her.

"I am no better person either." Her smile was faltering, "look at me, I tried to hate you so much, I wanted to kill you. But the moment I knew the story, I am shamelessly here. It wasn't ok when you did that. But it all grew up on me when my father did the same thing to you. How selfish is that?"

Jin was silent.

"I don't know, Jin," Arya continued, "maybe I am just too selfish to let you go yet."

Jin again looked back, his eyes calm and curious.

"Look at me, Jin." Arya smiled a little, "I am just a shadow living here. No bonds, no strings, no memories with me just with tons of baggage behind me. You are the only person I have. I don't want us to fall apart like this. I can't go on like this."

"What do you want?" Jin sighed a little.

"I don't know." Arya sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, "I don't know how we can't address the elephant in the room and be silent about it like nothing happened. But at the same time, I don't want us to be in the same room and pretend we don't know each other. Avoidance or ignorance- I don't want any of this."

"What do you want?" Jin asked for the second time.

"We should take time. Deal with our conflicts with ourselves first. Let's stay apart for a while."

Jin nodded slowly in approval, not looking at Arya anymore.

"Let's part ways so that we don't turn things bitter." Arya wiped the single teardrop rolled down her eyes, "so that when we cross paths again in life, we can greet each other with a smile again."

Jin again nodded without any words.

Silence fell around again.

"I hope you find the solace that you are looking for." Suddenly Arya broke the silence.

"Solace?"

"I can see it, Jin." Arya's voice was low and calm, "maybe people don't see it, but I see the void in your eyes. Like you are desperately looking for something you can't find."

Jin was silent.

Arya touched Jin's shoulder, "You said you liked someone."

Silence.

"Maybe it's time to move on with your life?" Arya smiled a little, "Don't lose your youth like this. Don't waste away the time you have, tell her."

"It's harder than you think." Jin's voice was quiet.

"Nothing is ever easy," Arya nodded, "but you have to seize the moment before it is too late."

"It is already too late." Jin looked back.

"Do you have any drink in here?" Arya suddenly smiled, "let's make some good memories for our last times together."