Once upon a time, back when individuals could fly on planes without a mask, there was a flight, a flight that happened at night. Oh yes, quite the flight indeed. Fasten in your seat belts, and hold on to your socks, heavy turbulence awaits as we plunge into the sensational tale of World Airlines Flight 7431.

All was running smoothly at first: boarding didn't take forever, babies weren't crying, stewardesses didn't have to try to jam in oversized luggage in the overhead compartments. Ah yes, all was smooth, smoother than creamy peanut butter that you can purchase at your local Raley's supermarket. If Raley's is still a viable supermarket and has not completely gone out of business, let us just substitute Raley's for Trader Joe's. They should still be in business for years to come, and the reference will not be outdated. Anyways, back to the story.

The flight was at the midway point: passengers were allowed to walk around the main cabin, use the restroom whenever they'd like, and passengers were permitted the use of their electronic devices, and then it happened; a perplexing announcement came over the intercom, it said, "Ggrrrhahadhrhdahfsd Arhdlfahsfal."

At first, those who heard it and were listening all assumed it to be an error with the transmission. Therefore, everyone seemed to ignore it, but then the proceeding two announcements were also extremely unintelligible. It sounded like a peculiar combination of someone gargling salt water, mixed with static noise that arises from a radio station when you drive through the mountains, and sprinkled with hair-raising growls that come from a vicious rabid dog.

"Ggrrrrrrrhhhhaaaarrrrr," mumbled the pilot once again in a terrifyingly ominous tone.

One of the stewardesses finally took it upon herself to check on the pilot to let him know that there was something wrong with the PA system, since no one could understand a word that he has been saying.

She opened the cockpit unsuspectedly, but when her eyes casted upon the pilot and his trusty co-pilot, the stewardess let out a bloodcurdling scream, "AHHHHHHH!!!" she loudly shrieked.

This induced perturbation with the other flight attendants who heard her chilling scream, in addition to the passengers who weren't sleeping and who didn't have headphones on. Therefore 5% of the passengers were startled, while the other 95% were not bothered at all, and were pleasantly ignorant of the current situation.

One of the other flight attendants scurried over to see what all the yelling was about, and when she placed her head inside the cockpit to take a peek of the situation, the co-pilot took a colossal bite out of her face as if she were a Whopper Sandwich from Burger King. *CHOMP!*

She screamed in fear and pain! More so pain, since a large piece of flesh just got bitten off of her face. She turned around and ran back toward the main cabin, desperately crying out for help.

One of the passengers who was observing the situation caught a clear and vivid sight of the flight attendant's mutilated face, and fainted due to the horrifying disfigurement and alarming amount of blood spilling out from the wound.

One of the other flight attendants seized his oversized food cart, and forcefully pushed it down the narrow aisle at a rapid speed, breaking numerous elbows of passengers as he hauled ass towards the cockpit. As he approached the door, the co-pilot emerged...as a zombie!

The tremendous momentum that the food cart obtained resulted in a powerful collision when the heavy, oversized, metal food-cart smashed into the fragile body of the co-pilot zombie. The zombie let out a raucous grunt, "Ghrrrrharh!" The zombie was made immobile as his body was pinned to the wall of the main cabin by the heavy food cart. The male flight attendant kept the pressure on the food cart so that the co-pilot zombie couldn't escape and wreak havoc.

The other flight attendant calmly got on the PA system and announced a placating message to the passengers:

"Hello passengers, please do not panic...but it seems as if our pilots for today's flight have transformed into zombies. At this time, all passengers must return to their seats, fasten their seat belts, store away loose items, turn off all electronic devices, return all seats to an upright position, and put the food-tray back to its stored position until further notice. Thank you."

Now more passengers were beginning to panic, and started to demand answers, and demanded them fervently.

"What do you mean our pilots have turned into zombies!?" One of the passengers asked in alarming fashion.

"I'm still waiting on my gin and tonic!" Shouted another one.

The pilot emerged from the cockpit, his clothes were torn, his hair disheveled, his skin was green and rotting, his eyes were lifeless, and his breath smelled as if he just ate garlic hummus with canned tuna and downed it with some V8 vegetable juice. He let out some sort of vile shriek, "Grrrrrraaahhhhttttaahhhh!!!"

"That is what I mean by the pilots have turned into zombies," remarked the flight attendant as she pointed at the zombie pilot.

The zombie pilot clumsily stumbled forward as he made his way to one of the passengers, he fiercely lunged at her and bit her nose clean off! She was obviously upset with this and said with great agitation, "Now I need to call my plastic surgeon to schedule another nose job!"

The man sitting next to her heroically threw Coca-Cola on the zombie's face, and the ingredients of that sugary beverage began to eat away at his already rotting skin. Zombiologists do not know if zombies feel pain, but by the looks of this zombie pilot, he was definitely not having a pleasant experience as he intensely tore at his face, ripping large chunks of rotten flesh off. The skin that remained was blistering and bubbling from the soda, and hot smoke was emanating off of him.

The food cart attendant cleverly noticed this, and told the other flight attendant, "Quick Meg! Grab all the Coca-Cola we have, and pour it on these zombies. Quickly!" She did as she was commanded, and the two flight attendants doused the zombies with Coca-Cola until they were practically bathing in it. The two zombies were vociferously bawling in dissatisfaction and affliction as they were dissipating in front everyone's horrified eyes. The last can of Coca-Cola finished off what was left of the zombies, and the two evaporated into nothing more than tattered, stained, pilot outfits drenched in sticky Coca-Cola.

"Hurray!" Cheered the passengers. They clapped with joyous smiles as they displayed their appreciation for the flight attendants' valiant deeds.

This joy was short-lived when the cheers were interrupted by the distressing sounds of an alarm.

"What is that?" Asked a concerned passenger.

"The emergency alarm, the computer of the plane has noticed that we are heading towards a mountain and it is warning the pilot to adjust its direction," answered the flight attendant.

"Oh no!" Shouted a worried passenger. "Who can fly this plane?"

All the passengers were unnerved at this point, and a frenzied panic began to envelop them. Some started to wail in a desperate plea, others withdrew into a fearful silence. Children were weeping loudly and clinging to their parents for a semblance of comfort. The dejected faces of the parents were heartrending, as an onlooker could clearly see that they felt completely helpless and were disappointed that they couldn't protect, nor comfort, their frightened children at the given moment.

Needless to say that the situation was looking utterly grim for all who were onboard.

The food cart attendant reassuringly proclaimed, "Don't worry everyone, planes these days practically fly themselves. The computer does the majority of the work, it will readjust automatically once it comes within a certain proximity to the mountain."

Those who were close enough to hear him breathed a sigh of relief. A passenger who was seated at the back of the plane worked up some courage, unbuckled his seat belt, firmly grabbed his plastic cup of leftover Coca-Cola, and gallantly marched toward the cockpit in stern determination. Passengers and stewardesses looked at him with an inquisitive gaze as he strode passed them gallantly. When he reached the cockpit, he brazenly threw open the door, and launched the cup of Coca-Cola at the main control panel. When the carbonated beverage made its connection to the control panel, sparks flew and the system immediately shut down. Now the plane was no longer being operated by the computer, and it began to descend.

"Why did you do that!? " The flight attendant asked in consternation.

"It worked on the zombies, I thought it would work on the computer!" Replied the remorseful and embarrassed passenger.

"We are all going to die!" Cried the noseless passenger in a hysterical manner.

The man sitting next to the noseless woman slapped her with exceptional vehemence, *SMACK!* "Pull yourself together lady!" Blood splattered off her face, and the powerful slap resulted in instant whiplash.

"How dare you slap a woman you jerk!" A nearby passenger scolded the man.

"Does anyone know how to fly a plane!?" The flight attendant cried out in desperation.

"If you could dodge a wrench, you can fly a plane," Patches O'Houlihan assuredly declared, "And you bet your sweet candy-ass I know how to do that." Patches confidently propelled his wheelchair up the alleyway, advancing toward the cockpit with a poised countenance, but then, tragedy struck. A heavy, hard-shelled, luggage-bag tumbled out of the overhead compartment and devastatingly crashed straight down on Patches O'Houlihan's head, killing him immediately upon impact.

"What are we going to do now?" Cried out another passenger as the plane was plunging towards destruction. Family members held each other closely as they began to accept their tragic fate, but then, just then, a man holding a newspaper placed the newspaper down, and removed his reading glasses. He then proceeded to unbutton his white shirt to reveal a giant red S on his chest, "Don't worry everyone, I'll save you," said the man in a calm, confident demeanor.

He unfastened his seatbelt, which led to the nearby stewardess reprimanding him, "Sir! Put your reading glasses back on because clearly you do not see that the fasten seatbelt sign is on! Stay in your seat, and keep your seatbelt fastened until that sign is turned off! It is for your own safety and for the safety of others. Additionally, it is a legal violation of the law for you to ignore the sign."

"But I..."

"No buts sir! Rules are rules. Adhere to them."

"But," the man attempted to plead.

"Sir! I'll only repeat this once more, remain seated and keep your seatbelt securely fastened. Otherwise, you risk being placed on the no-fly list for the rest of your life." She firmly stated.

"Fine..." the man said in a dejected and sorrowful tone. He buttoned his shirt back up, fastened his seatbelt, and slumped down into the chair in a defeated manner.

The alarms were now blaring as the plane plummeted at an increasingly shocking speed.

Oxygen masks were released overhead of every passenger.

"Please place on your orange, safety, life-vests, and securely put on the oxygen masks," the flight attendant instructed the passengers over the PA system.

The passengers did as they were told.

"I'll never get the chance to tell my friends that I killed a zombie," the flight attendant said in a melancholic, disappointed tone.

*Crash!!!*

The plane violently slammed into the ground, the massive impact was terribly destructive. The plane's exterior shattered into numerous pieces and the engine burst into flames, yet somehow, all the passengers were safely buckled into their seats, unmoved, and unharmed. Was it a miracle? Or was it a great display of the importance of following safety rules and procedures? Perhaps a little of both?

The flight attendant got on the PA system and said, "Hello passengers, we have reached our final destination. The temperature outside is a chilly 56 degrees Fahrenheit. Please remain seated until the pilot turns off the fasten seat belt sign, and then we will begin the process of exiting the plane. Thank you for your patience, and thank you for riding with World Airlines. We hope to see you again soon."

The passengers sat there anxiously waiting for permission to unfasten their seatbelts, but the sign never turned off, since there was no pilot to turn off the sign.

The passengers and the flight attendants remained fastened in their seats until their deaths, as many died of dehydration, starvation, and dysentery.

"The rules giveth and the rules taketh away." - (The Red Teletubby)

That concludes the recounting of the extraordinary, yet tragic tale of World Airline Flight 7431.

THE END