Inside the secret clubhouse of the Sons of Liberty. Patrick Henry is addressing the room.

Patrick Henry - I would like to begin this meeting by pledging our allegiance and stating our vows to our flag, and to the United Colonies of America. I ask that you all rise and salute.

(Everyone rises except Benedict Arnold)

Samuel Adams - Benedict, why aren't you standing?

Benedict Arnold - I'd love to stand but sadly I must stay seated. You see, I injured my knee last week in a cricket match. It was bloody good fun though.

Isaac Sears - I'll make you bloody right now if you don't show some respect and stand.

Patrick Henry - No, no. It's quite alright. You may stay seated Benedict.

Benedict Arnold - Thank you for understanding Sir Patrick.

Patrick Henry - Of course, well let us begin. If you can just repeat after me: We The Sons of Liberty

Everyone - We The Sons of Liberty

Patrick Henry - Vow to uphold

Everyone - Vow to uphold

Patrick Henry - The virtues and beliefs

Everyone - The virtues and beliefs

Patrick Henry - Of this great nation

Everyone - Of this great nation

Patrick Henry - And of this great club.

Everyone - And of this great club.

Patrick Henry - We vow to honor

Everyone - We vow to honor

Patrick Henry - What this flag represents

Everyone - What this flag represents

Patrick Henry - And most importantly

Everyone - And most importantly

Patrick Henry - We vow to

Everyone - We vow to

Patrick Henry - Destroy and humiliate anyone

Everyone - Destroy and humiliate anyone

Patrick Henry - Who dares to disagree with us.

Everyone - Who dares to disagree with us.

Patrick Henry - To this flag we pledge

Everyone - To this flag we pledge

Patrick Henry - To uphold these words

Everyone - To uphold these words

Patrick Henry - And in doing so

Everyone - And in doing so

Patrick Henry - We honor

Everyone - We honor

Patrick Henry - The United Colonies of America.

Everyone - The United Colonies of America.

Patrick Henry - End salute. You may be seated. (everyone sits) Well now that that is finished with, we can move on to the topics at hand. Firstly, we must discuss what will be our national mascot. Any suggestions?

Samuel Adams - A black bear, no explanation necessary.

James Otis Jr. - The cattle have served us well, therefore I vote cattle.

John Hancock - I did peyote with some natives and I talked to a coyote spirit, therefore I vote for a coyote.

Isaac Sears - I vote bigfoot.

Samuel Adams - I take my initial suggestion back, I am in favor of bigfoot.

Paul Revere - I don't care what our mascot is, just as long as it isn't a raccoon. I can't stand those things. One of those greedy bandits snatched bread out of my own child's hands, can you believe it? I've never been so furious in my life. I ran after it and said, "How dare you take food from my child's hands! If you're looking for food, I got a knuckle sandwich for you!" My wife just kept yelling the word, "rabies," and I said, "Learn a new word woman!"

Benedict Arnold - Our mother kingdom's national mascot is the lion. Shall we just mimic them? We already mimic their exact colors. Might as well steal another idea from them.

Patrick Henry - We shall not abide by any other kingdom, for we will create our own kingdom. Where we will be our own rulers and we will be the masters of our own fate. Let us throw off our chains, let us escape our cages, let us fly like doves! Let us be free, let us live free, in this beautiful and wonderful land of liberty!

(Everyone except Benedict Arnold cheers. Benedict eye rolls.)

James Otis Jr. (exhilarated and jumps out of his chair and shouts) - Taxation without representation is tyranny! Let us throw off the chains!

Isaac Sears - The crown is going down!

Samuel Adams (chanting) - U-C-A! U-C-A!

Patrick Henry - So are we settling on the dove?

John Hancock - If it's good enough for the Holy Spirit, it's good enough for us.

Paul Revere - Doves aren't that free, I know people who keep them in cages.

Isaac Sears - Yeah, last month I took the old lady to the boardwalk and we saw some magician, and he had a bunch of doves trapped in his sleeve...and he kept saying that he was a mindfreak. 

John Hancock - Does that mean he was a medium?

Isaac Sears - Nah he was a pretty husky guy, so I would say he was large.

James Otis Jr. - Is magic not outlawed in New York?

Isaac Sears - You're the lawyer, why don't you ask yourself?

Samuel Adams (returns his attention to Patrick) - I'm sorry Pat, but I didn't know you were proposing the dove as a mascot when I began chanting UCA, and if no one is going to say it, I will, a dove is a wimpy mascot.

James Otis Jr. - Yeah, I have to agree with Sam. It doesn't really strike fear in the hearts of our enemies, nor does it inspire bravery, strength, honor....(interrupted)

Isaac Sears (interrupts James) - We need something more badass!

Samuel Adams - Yeah! I want something that represents my rebellious spirit, and my muscles.

Patrick Henry - What do you gentlemen think about a bald eagle?

John Hancock - I personally admire the bald eagle because though it is bald, it does not feel the need to cover its baldness with a powdered wig.

James Otis Jr. - The bald eagle isn't actually bald. The word bald derived from the word balde which meant white-headed.

Samuel Adams - Those are the same words.

Isaac Sears - So it is wearing a white powdered wig?

Paul Revere - I had to sell my white-powdered wig so I could feed 4 out of my 16 children.

Samuel Adams (to Patrick) - I think the bald eagle is pretty badass. I like it.

John Hancock - If the eagle was good enough for Caesar, it's good enough for me.

Patrick Henry - All in favor of the bald eagle becoming our national mascot say I.

Everyone - I!

Patrick Henry - Fantastic gentlemen! Now for the even more important matters, what should be our next move against Great Britain?

Samuel Adams - I say we introduce them to liberty (holds up fist) and freedom. (holds up other fist)

Isaac Sears - Yeah, I say we take some baseball bats and find some red coats and sw-sw-sw- swing! Batta!  (acts out the act of swinging) And make their red coats bloody red coats, if you catch my drift.

John Hancock - That is just too crude, I think we should plan something far more sophisticated, something that has a greater impact and doesn't cost us any unnecessary casualties.

Paul Revere - I don't care what we do, just as long as we get the result which is to free us from British tyranny and British taxes! I already have the ol' ball and chain hassling me, I don't need another one.

Benedict Arnold - I say we focus all our energy in stopping the production of all unnecessary sequels. Whoever is funding these should be locked up, if not publicly whipped. Did we really need to produce eight Children of The Corn films?

James Otis Jr. - I have a friend in France who is a courtier to King Louis XVI. I think he will get us a meeting with the King, and we can convince France to assist us in fighting Britain.

John Hancock - France does have a bitter hatred for Britain.

James Otis Jr. - Yeah, which is why I think I think we have a good chance of convincing them. What do you guys think?

Isaac Sears (farts extremely loudly) - That's what I think about it.

(Samuel Adams laughs)

John Hancock (completely perplexed) - That doesn't make any sense at all. I'm so confused. How does a fart articulate your thoughts on the topic?

Isaac Sears - Some things just can't be expressed in words my friend. And the only thing that can express my emotions and thoughts, is a fart.

Samuel Adams - A loud one at that.

James Otis Jr. (fervent in his disagreement) - No, no, no, no, no! I refuse to believe that a fart can be a form of expression.

Samuel Adams - Geniuses like Mozart kept a fart journal.

Isaac Sears - A fart can be art.

James Otis Jr. (passionate) - A fart most definitely cannot be art!

Benedict Arnold (in a jestful manner) - You clearly are unsophisticated and uncultured if you cannot recognize a fart being an expression of the soul. A fart is worthy of being placed within the grand walls of the greatest museums in the world. It deserves to be in the same room as a Rembrandt, a Velasquez, a Caravaggio! It deserves to breathe the same air!

John Hancock (greatly disturbed) - I can barely breathe, it smells horrible! Quincy, this must be torture for you! (frantically covers his dog Quincy's nose)

(Isaac proudly smiles at his accomplishment, and basks in his smelly glory.)

Benedict Arnold - It smells like a Sam Adams' lager.

Paul Revere - My brute of a wife feeds me beans and then complains about my gas. I can't win....and I can't get her off my back!

Samuel Adams - I personally have been a gas advocate for quite some time. If you feel the urge, let it rip.

Patrick Henry (covering his nose) - Isaac, you may want to get yourself checked out. Your ass-fumes smell toxic.

James Otis Jr. - Who's the unhealthy one now?

(Isaac lifts his leg in the direction of James and farts again and fans his fart at James)

Isaac Sears - Ahhhh...Okay, I'm done expressing myself now. Please continue Patrick.

Patrick Henry - Let us return to the topic at hand, I personally believe we have passed the point of civility, and a war with Great Britain seems inevitable.

Samuel Adams - I agree, we tried to be peaceful and we tried to be diplomatic, but now it is time to get physical. (flexes biceps and kisses them both)

John Hancock - I respectfully disagree. We don't need violence.

Samuel Adams - Must I remind you of the Boston Massacre?

John Hancock - I hear you Sam, but we don't need to fight violence with more violence, that will cause unnecessary bloodshed.

James Otis Jr. - Leviticus 24:20: "Fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth; whatever injury he has given a person shall be given to him."

John Hancock - Matthew 5:38-39: "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Samuel Adams - Let me slap both of your cheeks and hopefully slap some sense into you.

Isaac Sears - Listen John, no offense, but I'm not coming to these meetings to hear a sermon.

Benedict Arnold - Speaking of sermons, I think the gospels are incredibly one sided and libelous in that they give Judas a bad reputation.

Paul Revere - If any of you want proof that the Devil exists, come by my house and take a look at my wife, she'll scare you straight...if she isn't too busy climbing on my back.

John Hancock - I'm surprised you aren't a hunchback at this point.

Paul Revere - How do you think Quasimodo developed his? It was caused by his old lady. There is a reason he hid and stayed in a church. He knew his devil of a wife couldn't enter a church without burning!

James Otis Jr. - Very funny Paul.

Paul Revere - Thanks James, I think I've broken every single bone in my body, except my funny bone.

Patrick Henry (stern) - Please gentlemen, can we be serious.

James Otis Jr. - The Brits will not stop taxing us and harassing us until we are completely controlled, and become obedient slaves to a mad king, who is literally losing his mind.

Isaac Sear - Well yeah, he must be losing his mind if he is crazy enough to go against the greatest thirteen colonies this world has ever seen.

Samuel Adams - They are taking away our right to life, liberty, and property. I can't continue to live like this and not do anything. We have suffered enough, now it's time for our glory.

Paul Revere - If you think you guys have suffered, you should try walking a mile in my chewed up, pissed on boots, and I guarantee you will be begging for your life back. Speaking of back, can someone help me get my wife off of mine!

Benedict Arnold - Are you even sure you want freedom?

Patrick Henry - Of course we do.

Benedict Arnold - The greatest unspoken fear of man is freedom. With absolute freedom comes absolute responsibility, and I do not know if the colonies are ready for that.

Patrick Henry - My greatest fear is becoming a slave to a tyrant country.

John Hancock - I want freedom as well, but I just don't think war is the answer. I think we can solve it diplomatically.

Samuel Adams - Freedom is bought at a price, and we must be willing to purchase freedom at the price of blood.

James Otis Jr. - Yes, we must be willing to put our lives on the line if it means our freedom.

John Hancock - You're saying freedom must be purchased at a price?

Samuel Adams - Correct.

John Hancock - And that price may be blood?

Samuel Adams - Correct.

John Hancock - And the only route to freedom is war?

Samuel Adams - Congratulations sir, you just earned yourself a third correct.

John Hancock (thinking) - Hmm...Jesus did give us freedom at the price of his blood.

Isaac Sears - And we will gain freedom from the blood of the Brits.

Patrick Henry (passionately proclaims) - I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

Samuel Adams (stands up and declares) - Give me liberty or give me death! (holds his beer up to him)

James Otis Jr. (stands up and declares) - Give me liberty or give me death!

Isaac Sears  (stands up and declares) - Give me liberty or give me death!

Paul Revere  (stands up and declares) - Give me liberty or give me death!

Benedict Arnold - Let us attempt to avoid the latter, but sure, I'm in. I've never been one to shy away from a battle.

Patrick Henry (looks to John) - Sir John Hancock, will you stand and fight with your brothers?

(Everyone turns and looks at John intently)

John Hancock (jumps up and passionately says) - Give me liberty or give me death!

(The others cheer, except Benedict Arnold. Quincy howls in excitement)

Patrick Henry (proudly smiling) - Gentlemen, we have proclaimed to the world our determination to die freemen rather than to live as slaves. We have appealed to Heaven for the justice of our cause and in Heaven we have placed our trust. It is now time for us to go win our freedom, and with our great victory, we will begin creating the greatest country the world has ever known!

Everyone (except Benedict, cheering with fervent excitement) - Yeah!!! U-C-A! U-C-A! (chanting)

Benedict Arnold - Hey! The meat stew is ready!

James Otis Jr. - Oh perfect I'm famished.

THE END

CURTAIN