Thorin, Fili, and Kili were taking a walk through Dale. It was summer, and people were milling about, and there was a lot of construction going on.

"For some reason, I don't feel comfortable here," Thorin said.

"It's probably because you like being in a dark, cold mountain instead of outside under the sun," Fili said.

Thorin looked at him coldly.

Just then, they encountered Bard, who was trying to direct some guys who were lowering a roof onto a house.

"A little to your right..." Bard called. "NO!!! YOUR OTHER RIGHT!!"

The roof was horribly misaligned and slid down the house until it crashed flat on Bard. Fili and Kili flinched a little from the impact.

"That's concerning," Thorin commented. Then the three dwarves ran over and attempted to lift the roof. They managed to lift it enough for Bard to crawl out. He was a little dusty, but seemingly unharmed.

"Oh, hello you three! What brings you to Dale?" asked Bard, who acted like he hadn't just been crushed by a roof.

"We were just going for a walk...sort of," Thorin explained.

"Huh. Well, could I ask you a favor?" Bard asked, pulling out a brush and randomly brushing his hair.

"Yeah, sure!!" Kili instantly jumped in, which made Thorin look at him disapprovingly.

"Good. I've been noticing smoke coming from Ravenhill recently, and sometimes lights at night. So I was wondering if you three could check it out!" Bard explained, his hair now fluffy.

"WHAT?!? Ravenhill?! I will not go near that place," Thorin said disgustedly. "It holds many nasty memories."

"Who cares about memories?" Kili asked, but quieted down when Thorin raised a hand.

"We might as well go," Fili reasoned. "I mean, what could happen?"

  And so, the threesome headed out of Dale and began slowly and cautiously scaling Ravenhill. It was sunset by the time they made it up, and Kili looked like he was ready to pass out.

"See? Not such a good idea after all," Thorin said.

They peered over a rock onto a big frozen lake, where a certain face-off had occurred many months ago. And they were looking right into...........AN ORC RESTAURANT!!

"WHAT THE--" Kili started, but Fili punched him to quiet him instantly. Then the two bros began brawling while Thorin surveyed the scene. Finally, he grabbed Fili out of the battle and said, "What do you think we should do?"

"Walk in and ask for a table?" suggested Fili.

"But they'll know we're not orcs," Kili said.

"No duh," Fili grumbled. "I'll risk it, if you want."

"No, you two are young, and the heirs. I'll go. Besides, I can hold my own in a fight, in case you didn't know," Thorin said.

Then he majestically stood up and strode into the restaurant in slow motion. All the orcs at tables slowly turned their heads to look at him, and then gasped one by one. Soon, time resumed normally, and Thorin walked right up to an orc wearing a chef hat who was maybe a yard taller than he was. He tapped the orc's shoulder.

The orc turned around, and Thorin recognized him. "BOLG??" he yelled in surprise.

Bolg just stood there, and then turned around and ran. But he tripped over a tub of sausage and went flying. The frying pan he was holding flew especially far, and clonked another orc on the head. The orc turned and saw Thorin, and Thorin saw him.

"It cannot be," Thorin said [again].

The pale orc, about twice Thorin's size, walked up and said, "WHAT?? I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!!"

"AND I THOUGHT I KILLED YOU!!! ...............AZOG!!" Thorin yelled, drawing his sword.

"Woah, woah, people, let's talk this out," Fili said, suddenly appearing there with Kili.

"You two bothers! You're supposed to be dead too!!" Azog said.

"Well, we're not!" Kili retorted. Then he decided to ask, "What have you got going here?"

"I've started a family restaurant, if you must know," Azog said. "Azog and Son's Barbecue!!"

"I still don't like the way I'm called 'son'," said Bolg, walking over.

Thorin was just staring at them. "Well, I didn't see this coming," he said. Then he noticed an oddly-shaped outline drawn in red on the icy floor. "What's that?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the outline of the spot where we killed each other!" Azog said proudly.

"Don't you want to kill me again?" Thorin asked.

"Nah. Once is enough," Azog replied.

"You are aware he's still alive, right?" Kili asked, but was ignored.

"Oh! I have something for you! As a sort of peace offering, I guess," Azog said, and pulled from behind his back (somehow) a baby...........WHITE WARG!!

"WHAT IN DURIN'S NAME?!?" Thorin yelled, jumping back.

"Isn't he cute?" Azog asked, petting the white Warg.

"Yes, he is!!" Kili exclaimed, taking him from Azog. "We're going to keep him, right uncle? He's so special!"

"Errrr..." Thorin mumbled. "Fiiiiiiiiine, but he stays in your room until we can verify he won't kill us."

"How could he kill you? He's just a baby," Bolg reasoned.

"Whatever," Thorin said majestically.

Fili was thinking. "I wonder who else didn't die?" he wondered.

Just then, Bard's head popped up from the edge of the icy waterfall.

"BARD?! What are you doing here? Did you know about the restaurant all along?" Fili asked.

"No, I didn't! I just came to show you something!" Bard called. Then he slowly began rising, as if he were ascending to heaven. But he wasn't, it soon became clear that he was standing on the massive head of....

"SMAUG?!?!?" Thorin exclaimed. "What? How? Why?"

"Don't worry, Dwarf, I'm not going to eat you. I struck a deal with this annoying bowman where I won't kill anyone if he doesn't kill ME," Smaug hissed, as Bard slid off his head.

"Yeah, I happened to have a black arrow ready when he showed up," Bard said.

"Hm. Well, now that you're all here, why don't I cook us up some barbecue?" Azog suggested. he reached up to turn on his giant faucet. But the giant faucet was right above Kili, so when it turned on, Kili was blasted to the ground with water.

Fili couldn't help snorting. Thorin looked at Azog with a look of 100% distrust.

"Oops," Azog said and helped Kili to his feet. But his hand scratched Kili.

"Ow! You cut my hand!!!" Kili yelled, stumbling around.

Azog held out a hand to stop him but accidentally whacked a row of shelves, and sent some pans bonking Kili.

"AARGH! AARGHH! YOU'RE DEFILING ME!!" Kili yelled, until finally Bard pulled him out of the fray.

"Well, he's not called the 'defiler' for nothing," Thorin said. Then he turned to Azog and said, "Thank you for the hospitality but we really must be going!"

"Bye, friends!" Azog called.

"WE ARE NOT FRIENDS!!!" Thorin yelled as he hurried Fili, Kili, and their new white Warg off of Ravenhill.

There was silence for a second.

"Could a get a sausage?" Smaug asked.

"Coming up," Azog said, flipping a burger patty.