Merry fucking Christmas.

Grace had opened herself up to one emotion, that was for sure—self-pity. But could she handle my anger, my bitterness? Nope. She was happy with assuming I was the perfect little successful daughter she always wanted me to be. I was tempted to do something stupid and get locked away again just to take away her unearned pride. I didn't need her to believe in me anymore.

But if I let myself get cold again, I'd end up even more like her. What should I work toward now? Could I achieve all the money and success I wanted with my heart open to all these feeeeeelings? I had no clue. How else would I prove Grace wrong when my goals were the same as hers?

You're only eighteen, some guiding inner voice echoed in my head. Still a kid. Still a lot of mistakes and lessons to figure out.

Jack, Seth, and Eli would be here in two days. Grace would go to Las Vegas for New Year's, but the rest of us would be getting an Airbnb on the north side of O'ahu. I wondered how much it'd remind me of my dad's surfing days—the north shore was his favorite with the strong, crashing waves.

On the 28th, I said my goodbyes to Grace. This trip didn't do nearly as much for our "mother-daughter bonding time" quota as she had probably hoped it would. And even I felt incomplete, keeping myself at arm's length. But I told myself this was as good as it'd get. I couldn't expect her to make up for all the years she wasn't there. I'd already done an excellent job of not blowing up on her and ruining the trip for good. 

I had no idea when I'd see her again. I had no idea if I cared.

Talia booked a rental car, and she drove us to the airport to pick up the boys. For once, my mind went calm as I waited, focusing on nothing but the jitteriness in my chest. I paced back and forth in anticipation.

First I saw Seth, carrying two bags in his hands. And Eli laughing at his side, carrying none. And trailing behind, wearing a blue hoodie, standing out in the crowd with his tall stature and overall awkwardness...

Jack. I'd done the math—exactly seventeen days since I'd seen him last.

Without thinking, I pushed past the stream of tourists to get to him. His silence enveloped me the closer I got, drowning out the other airport noise. He stopped walking when he noticed me. The seconds passed in a blur; I crashed against him in an impulsive hug, and before I knew it, his arms were wrapped around my waist.

Jack was here. On an island in the middle of the Pacific. With me—a moment so surreal it rivaled our birthday night in the wilderness. I'd relived it so many times in my dreams. 

I pulled away. Almost lost my breath entirely at seeing him so close—his freckles, the dark shadows under his eyes, even that pink birthmark on his forehead, matching the color of his flushed cheeks.

"Sorry," I said. "Too much?"

He only pulled me into his arms again.

❀ ❀ ❀

After introducing Anika to the boys, we were ready to make it across the island—thanks to Talia's superior driving skills. While I took the front seat, Jack sat in the back of the rental SUV with Anika.

"How was the flight?" I asked Eli and Seth, sitting directly behind me.

"Good," Eli said. "Jack was assigned the middle seat. And after we were in the air, he got up and went to an empty row in the back of the plane."

"Smart move," Anika said.

"Definitely," I agreed. "I'm sure he wanted to avoid having to be in the middle of you two arguing."

Seth yawned. "Nah. No arguing this time. I just took a nap. Planes make me tired."

"I had to wake Seth up to see the views," Eli said. "Hardest thing I ever did. You sleep like a bear."

I glanced at Jack, who was busy staring out the window—even though the car hadn't started moving yet. He had a grand view of the airport parking lot.

I still felt dizzy from the way he'd hugged me ten minutes ago. Like we were some long distance couple seeing each other for the first time—that was how dramatic we must've looked to everyone. And oddly enough, he didn't seem that embarrassed about it. He would've frozen up if he'd felt anxious. But instead, AirPods in his ears, Jack looked to currently be in his neutral, observant state. 

Maybe Jack wasn't shy to show that he liked me. On the contrary, maybe he'd wanted to make that very clear...

Talia started driving. I filled the silence with a rundown of our week at the resort, trying my hardest not to fixate on the distracting presence of Jack in the car. But my thoughts started drifting back to that hug—right as Eli went on about how Seth had joined him and his family for Christmas.

"He spent Christmas with you, too?" I asked, my sarcastic tone automatic. "Wow."

"My family decided not to travel anywhere this year," Eli said. "And they wanted me to invite Seth to have dinner at our lake house."

"Did he pass the test? Do they approve?"

"Hell yeah!" Seth exclaimed. "I showed them that, uh, yo hablo, uh, poquito español."

Eli rolled his eyes. "You're a natural, Sethy."

As Talia drove and we moved away from traffic, Jack finally had something to stare out the window at. The road wove through the green plains separating the western and eastern mountain ranges of the island. Gone were the days of my school lessons on Hawai'i's history. I'd forgotten a lot of the stories that'd taken place here. A bright sign advertising the nearby Dole Plantation and its record-breaking pineapple maze, though, quickly reminded me of the big corporate trash that played a part in that.

Thirty minutes later, we made it to the Airbnb. After we dropped off our stuff and got fish tacos—Seth's choice—from a food truck we saw on the side of the road, we headed to the beach.

With the overcast skies and icy breeze, we were some of the only people there. The water was murky as wave after wave rolled onto shore. A mile or two away, there was an island with towering cliffs right in the middle of the ocean blue.

As Talia slathered sunscreen on herself—"You can still get skin cancer if it's cloudy, you know..."—Anika went face to face with the waves, carrying one of the body boards we'd bought earlier in the week. With the three new additions to our group, she'd gone almost as quiet as Jack. Back in juvie, she would always deny being shy—"I'm just severely introverted," she'd say—but I had a feeling it took her a while to get used to new people.

Seth watched as Anika's form disappeared in and out of the water, getting smaller the farther she swam.

"I need to protect her from the sharks," he said.

"You are the shark, Seth," Eli added.

"Let me go and scare her, then."

"That's awful! I won't let you."

"Catch me."

Seth took off in a sprint toward the water. Eli, almost tripping as he got up, went after him.

And, with Talia off to look for sea shells, I was left with Jack.

He sat on a beach towel, still in his hoodie and jeans—he clearly hadn't taken the Seattle out of his wardrobe yet. I was in my bikini, but I had my towel wrapped around me, feeling suddenly self-conscious. And, with the wind picking up, quite cold.

Hesitantly, I turned to look at him. His eyes locked with mine, pulling me into an impromptu staring contest that lasted a minute straight.

I'd been waiting to see him in person, thinking the proximity would give me more clues as to the mysterious inner workings of Jack Michel, but I couldn't read him. Couldn't fathom what about me he thought was so interesting to stare that intensely at.

This was a side of Jack I didn't know as well. A side that made my insides heat—and this was coming from a girl who did not, under any circumstances, blush for anyone.

His eyes went to my necklace. His lips quirked in a small, playful smile. I couldn't tell if this was attractive—reaching 11 on the hotness scale here—or cute. Or both. How was it possible for someone to be both?

I had no idea what to say. So I settled on the first thing that came to mind.

"Oh, by the way. Penelope got arrested. For the car."

Jack blinked.

"Aren't you going to press charges against her?" I asked. "She basically tried to kill you."

He got up. I thought he'd walk away and ignore me until he kneeled against the wet sand closer to the water, motioning for me to come.

I followed him. And in the sand, after a long pause, he wrote with his finger: did you tell the police?

I wrapped my towel tighter around me. "Of course I did. I want her to get locked away for a long time."

Below his first message, in slow, deliberate movements, he wrote: i don't want to press charges. or give more interviews. they're horrible.

"What did you tell the police?"

nothing.

"What if you get called as a witness? What happens if you show up at a court room unable to speak? Are they just going to consider you unfit to testify?"

Just then, Seth returned, dripping water. "Whatcha guys talking about?"

Jack immediately wiped his writing from the sand. He got up—probably to maximize his height advantage over Seth.

"Jack might not be able to testify at Penelope's trial," I explained. "Which may mean less time in prison for her."

Seth raised an eyebrow. "Why do you want her to go to prison so bad? Is it just 'cause you're mad your mom's not going back?" 

I scoffed. "Enough with the psychoanalysis. I don't care where Grace ends up."

He'd been spending way too much time with psychologist-in-training Eli.

Seth glanced at Jack. "So you'll stay quiet during the trial? Wouldn't it be easier if you talked? Said one or two words or something?"

"It's probably not that simple for him," I said.

"Why not?" Seth asked. "If he said, like, four words to me, he can talk to anyone."

Jack froze.

"I'm just trying to help you," Seth continued. "How are you gonna survive in the real world if you can't talk? Why don't you talk? Why is it so hard? Why did you talk to me?"

Jack's jaw clenched; he glared as if it was enough to convey the dozens of words he wanted to say instead. And I couldn't stop Seth. Because I couldn't protect Jack from the world. From the consequences of his silence.

"Listen, bro, I know I'm not calling you mute boy anymore, but that's still what everyone sees you as. So if they don't know anything else, that's what you'll always be in their heads. Why don't you change it right now? Say something."

Seth waited. Jack did not speak. His glare faltered, exposing the anxiety beneath. And then he swiftly walked away, his footsteps making deep imprints in the sand. So determined it seemed like he had every intention to walk—swim—all the way to the island with the rocky cliffs nearby.

"I hate to admit it," I told Seth. "But for once, you actually have a point."

Seth crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm not even being an asshole this time."

"Not as much of an asshole."

And with that, I went after Jack. I had to run to catch up to him—very awkwardly as my feet sunk into the sand—and by the time I did, we were far away from the others, far away from anyone else on the beach. The wind chilled my bare arms.

"Er hat Recht," Jack said—almost yelled. The waves masked his voice as the tide slowly got higher, every soft crash merging into the next. "Why did I have to talk to him? Why did I have to say anything? I should've..."

Should I approach him? Would he push me away? But for him to be speaking out loud... that had to be more for me than just the waves, right?

I got my answer once he turned around, staring at me as the wind blew the overgrown strands of hair over his face. As he waited for me to say something back.

I stepped closer to him. "I don't think talking to him was a mistake. All you told him was that your name is Jack."

"Jack," he scoffed, the pronunciation coming out rougher in his German accent. "Mute boy. Nothing else. I've been trying to get better, but it just causes... more trouble than before."

I let out a laugh. "You really can't avoid that. Anika was even saying the other day... pain and discomfort is the first step to transformation. Her words, not mine."

"That makes it sound so simple."

"Maybe it's not as complicated as you think," I said. "You can take it one step at a time. No one's asking you to start blabbering to everyone you meet. Maybe you just... need to go somewhere nobody knows you? Because they wouldn't have this expectation of you being mute first. Wouldn't that be easier?"

Jack winced. I strained to hear his voice over the waves—his yell had softened, his voice a whisper again I had to step closer to hear. "I'm eighteen. It was supposed to be gone by now."

"According to who?"

"My parents. Psychologists. Teachers. Eli."

"But you didn't really want it gone, did you? Because everyone was trying to force you into changing for the wrong reasons."

"What if... it was the right reasons masking as the wrong reasons? The world... like Seth said... the real world won't wait for me to get myself together."

"That's true, but you don't need to change if you don't want to."

"Yes I do," he said, and by now a tear was running down his cheek, but he wiped it as soon as it came. "I need to change. I want to change, but the process of doing so makes me want to fucking scream."

"Scream, then."

Instead, he sat down and wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "I hate feelings. I hate caring about what Seth says. I hate caring about what strangers will think if I start talking. I hate humans." He picked up a pebble. "I'd rather be a rock."

I sat beside him. Grains of sand stuck to my bare skin. "Look around you. We're in Hawai'i, and you're fantasizing about turning into a rock to get away from your problems? This is where you can forget about everything. No one's judging you here."

He put up his hood, but the wind blew it back down. "Why did you bring up... Penelope."

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Now I'm stressed."

"That's life, Jack."

"I can't just... distract myself like you."

"So you're just going to focus on all that's wrong instead of enjoying the moment? No offense, but you're sounding like a brat right now."

He glared at me. "You don't even care if I talk anymore, do you?"

I glared back. "I'm not going to bow down to you just because you're blessing me with the sound of your voice. I'm here on the island where I was born, and I'm trying to have a good time. You think that it was easy for me to keep it together and spend the whole week with Grace? No. But I won't let it get in the way of me appreciating this." I motioned to the ocean, the storm clouds slowly closing in, the tropical greenery behind us. "It's called looking on the bright side of life. Try it sometime. Eli didn't offer to bring you here for nothing."

"I'm too messed up to enjoy the moment," he said. "I can't function. I can't do anything. They could let that girl... Penelope... go. All because I couldn't... I couldn't get the courage to share my side of the story."

"Don't you realize how much you've already improved? You're literally talking to me right now, have you forgotten about that?"

"Only because we almost died on our birthday and I had no other choice then. Now I'm used to it."

For some reason, that made my stomach drop. Did I not make him nervous anymore? Was he just used to me by now? And was I supposed to take that as a compliment? That he wouldn't have talked to me without being in some extreme survival situation?

"I actually don't believe that," I said, straightening my back. "I know you've been dying to talk to me since day one. You've been dying to tell me off. Insult me."

"That's what you wish I would do." He turned toward me completely. He reached up to flick the citrine on my necklace lightly with his hand. "But I'm afraid we're connected... like you said... through time and space. With or without words."

"Don't forget the Pacific Ocean," I muttered.

His glare faded, and despite my whole lack of basic understanding of human emotions thing, I noticed a sadness in his eyes so deep I swore they'd turn the color of the sea, reflecting the overcast sky.

"Romy... there's something I haven't told you."