Okay so my past is a bit out of whack.

 I used to live in New Orleans. I loved it there but my mom didn't so I had to move, But before this I was a baby like everyone at some point in their own life. When arguments happened in our house I would cry, than the argument stopped and was soon forgotten. My dad got drunk often and once he got arrested. You could imagine the pain and tears I cried. Not pretty. Thank God my father never hit me but he would argue with others often. I HATED it so DAMN much. I didn't like arguments or people screaming at me and such. So I guess with all that I became an introvert. Once my father took me to his friends place as a result he started drinking. It was getting late and I wanted to go home to bed but instead my dad laid me on his friend's couch. We didn't come home until 3:00 am. For my mom this was the last straw. We moved here to New York City. Specifically the Bronx. While on the plane though my mom said that I wailed on how my father would leave us, little did I know how right I was.

I continued my life in the Bronx. School and things like that came up. I phoned my Dad and things like that. He sent me toys and gifts. I accepted them mixing it up with love and buying my happiness. I LOVED HIM with all my FREAKING HEART!!!! Yet to him I was nothing just something he had to waste his precious money on. Three times he came back acted like he loved me, three DANG times he left me thinking I wasn't enough/ I was nothing. I always got jealous of full families/father-daughter pairs, my friend Jazz doesn't know but I'm jelly of her having a father who cares about her and I don't. I never saw through that mask he had on. My father never cared no matter how many times my mom told me I should confront him about leaving us........ I DIDN'T!!! And I hate myself for it.

Last summer was the last time I talked to him. I went to Honduras since both my mom and dad are from there. I went and stayed in my Grandma and Grandpa from my dad's side house. I rememver seeing how my Grandpa eyes lit up just seeing me. He already knew my cousins. All except me. My Grandma from my mom's side (she went with us) told me he told her that he could die and he would be happy becuase his only wish was TO MEET ME!?!?!?!?!?  He asked for me. I loved him so much. Why am I using past tenses a lot becuase my Grandpa died in January can't remember the actual date. I lost him and Lola my dog this year. I met the rest of my Dad's family. His brothers I knew they felt sad. I could see the pity, sadness, and happiness in their eyes. They were all thinking one thing and I knew it. How could he have left this child? Why would he? She grew up with only her mother doesn't she hate him? They were amazed at the fact that I didn't hate my father. Hate hahaha so funny more like LOVE TO DEATH AND LONGER!!!!!!!!!!!

After all the mixed emotions he puts me through I STILL LOVE HIM!?!?!?!? I don't know if I should hate him or not. I feel like I do but my heart stops me. It gives me all the great memories we had. Like this one time a hungry man asked my dad for money to buy food. My dad bought him a sandwich, hashbrownes(we went to Dunkin Donuts), and a large coffee. Most people wouldn't do that. I admired my father more than ever!!!

Yet that man left me again. Rumors started getting to my mom's ears. My moms friend who lives in New Orleans was seen by her with ANOTHER WOMAN!?!??!?!? My parents are legally married. Than rumors were heard that he might.... HE MIGHT HAVE ANOTHER CHILD WITH THAT SAME WOMAN!?!??!!?!?!?!? I guess it makes sense he always wanted a boy.

I tried to change myself. I wore jeans and t-shirts. Little things like that even cut my hair up too my shoulder. I was changing for him into something I didn't want. I noticed and stopped it. But these thoughts haunted my brain. They wouldn't let me be. I thought about killing myself multiple times. It doesn't help that I put pressure on myself to do netter for none other than him.

It didn't help that I had good grades to keep up, a mother I want to please very BADLY, and a grandmother who argues with my mom. Their arguments make me go crazy. Especially when they make me choose a side. It hurts my heart. Most of their arguments are about me. This saddens me a lot. I feel guilty and as if I'm the cause of it. My mother always manages to find a flaw in whatever I do. No matter what it is a flaw is always there. Me and my mom are opposites. She is outgoing, likes partying with friends, image of beauty and perfection, fashionable, and amazingly great with people. Me on the other hand, I'm more of a introvert, would rather read a book than party, a bit fashionable not as much as her, image of imperfection, and awkward with people. 

I starved myself yet no one noticed. It made me go crazier. I felt unwanted and a burden to others. I faked smiles and happines 24/7. Every time I said I'm fine it stood for....

I'm

Feeling broken

Inside

Nevertheless I say I'm fine to

Ease your worries and troubles I cause to you.

What that stands for to me. I made that up. I felt like I didn't belong anywhere. Not at home, not at school, surely not even on this world. Many times I felt useless and alone. I could be surrounded by my friends and family yet still feel empty and lonely.

Faking happiness to me is the worst kind pf depression yet its my everyday life. I always feel like nobody knows me. Like no one understands me. I created this book to vent my frustrations and such. That way I coukd find out if there are more people like me, feeling broken inside.

Now onto yesterday. I got tagged by Twilight119 si next chapter will be that. I went to Queens from 1:00pm to 8:10pm. Yeah my mom loves that place.

Pastries I ate. Tirramisu cake and a canoli. My Grandmother and Mom had a VERY LONNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG ARGUMENT!!!!!! I hated it and wanted it to stop. They couldn't see that it pained me. My family is being torn apart even further. Yet they don't see any of it. No one does at all. Starving myself doesn't help at all. Trust me. All the time I'm the fat one in the family. My mom says I need to lose wieght. So I starve. And the thoughs about being fat always enter my mond when I eat. I look at food disgusted. Its like I can no longer eat it. And when I do I feel so....so..ack hard to describe. I guess depressed and angry at myself. But the one thing I LOVED ABOUT YESTERDAY is that I got the best gift I could've recieved. Here it is!!!

Its just a necklace of my dog Lola who I had to put to sleep. She had 5 tumors. 2 were on her belly. One was the size of a water ballon. I couldn't see her suffer it pains everytime I think about it but it had to be done.Although a enemy of mine says I was just a horrible dog owner. I had two Beba is still here thank God. What she said though is still in my head. I'm starting to believe her to be honest. Walking Beba my other dog, makes me want to cry becuase holding that leash. I used to hold two now it just feels empty. Anyways Lola former owners who are my moms friend who are from Queens, their daughter who is 8 I believe she used her OWN MONEY to get me that necklace. And when I put it on she was so happy. I made her smile just by doing that. It almost made me cry becuase they knew how much I loved that black schnauzer.

Both of my dogs. Beba is the brown pekingnese who is still alive. Lola is the black schnauzer. I still CAN'T believe that girl wasted HER OWN MONEY ON ME!?!?!?!?!?! Still is a shock! Anyways thats part of my life so far! Bye bye!!!

I laughed so hard when I found that picture!!!! Lol!