Chapter 46    True Confessions

Tommy

"Lane, are you sure we shouldn't go check on Ashton?" I ask as we wait in line for lunch at one of the food trucks on North campus. "He loves empanadas," I say looking up at 5411 Empanadas, our choice for today. "What if he's still sick or upset?"

"He's okay Tommy. Matthias texted me, he slept in late. Daddy made him some food before he dropped him off at the Science building, so he could make up some labs."

"I can't believe he let you guys take him home last night...or this morning rather, I can't believe any of us are functioning on what little sleep we got.  Thank god for caffeine!  Though, I thought he'd either end up going with Master Gideon or at least coming back to his dorm room when he was finally released," Payton says.

"Master Gideon tried, but he'd barely even speak to him," Lane replies, "he talked to Sean, his friend from home for a while, but after the doctor cleared him to leave he sent Sean home. Matthias didn't really give him a choice. Even if Ash is leaving the lifestyle, no one really says no to Matthias."

"That's true," I chuckle, "so he's leaving it then?"

"I don't know, but he hasn't been back to the Red Door, even after he was tested and cleared."

"Did he say anything on the way to your house?" Payton asks.

"Not much, just kept telling us he was fine so we dropped it. Daddy told me to go to classes this morning, that he wanted a private talk with him, so...voila!" he says, putting his hands up to gesture at himself.

"I wonder what they talked about," Payton says.

"I doubt Matthias will tell me much," Lane sighs, "he's so fucking honorable and respecting his confidentiality, blah, blah, blah."

"That's a good thing Lane," I tell him, "that's why people trust Master Matthias."

"I know, but it sucks when I want to get the details on shit."

When we finally get to the head of the line, we place our orders and each get an order number which they'll call out when it's ready. We grab a nearby table that a bunch of girls just left.

"So only a few more weeks of the semester, it's been so crazy lately I don't even know what you guys are doing for the summer?" Lane asks.

I glance over at Payton who's just taken a big bite of an empanada. 

"Casey asked me to stay with him and I said yes. I'm going to step up my hours at the Boys and Girls' club and also pick up a few shifts at Casey's gym." I look at Payton again to see his reaction. I know he said he's fine with it, but last summer I went with him to Muskegon to stay at his grandfather's. He worked at the marina while I worked at a coffee shop in town. It was a great summer and I love Henry and Ellen, but I couldn't be that far away from Casey now that we're together. I know 3 hours isn't much, but to wake up every morning with my man is better than a dream come true. Payton said he's happy for me and I'm sure he is, but I still feel guilty. We've been together for so long, it will feel weird not seeing him every day.

Our numbers are called and we run up to get our food and for the next 5 minutes we dig in, slowing down after the first few bites that sated our immediate hunger.

I was hoping Payton would stay in Chicago, maybe even with Remy, but he said it's way too early for that. Casey even invited him to stay at his house in one of the guest rooms, but Payton said no thanks, and I totally get it. He loves his grandfather and Ellen. They're like the only sane family he has and they're really close. Plus he loves working at the marina, racing on his grandfather's sailboat and sailing the little boat he keeps at his grandfather's. Besides, he's only 3 hours away and I can go visit him whenever I want, Casey even said he'd come with me one of the times too as long as Payton didn't mind.

"So what about you Pay," Lane asks.

Payton wipes his mouth and smiles at me. I know he's wicked happy for me and doesn't mind that I'm not going with him.

"I'm going to my grandfather's," he tells Lane, "I've got a summer job at the marina again this summer."

"What about Remy?" Lane asks, wiggling his eyebrows.

"He can come visit if he wants, Grampa and Ellen wouldn't mind, they have the other guest room upstairs where Tommy usually stays. You can come visit too Lane, even Master M."

"Master 'Em'," I chuckle and Payton blushes.

"Maybe we will Pay, I'm sure your Grampa and Ellen haven't ever met anyone like Daddy," Lane smirks.

"I doubt it," he agrees. "But they'd like him. My grampa respects anyone with integrity," he says and then laughs loudly, "kind of why he doesn't like my father."

"Pay..." I say, because I know how his mood can just drop when he's talking like this.

"Just sayin'." He smiles and his eyes twinkle like they do when he's happy. Ashton being okay and Remy being there last night was like the magic elixir Payton needed.

"Well, count on a visit from us," Lane tells him and Payton beams.

"I'll teach you how to sail, like you taught me to surf in Florida. Do you think Master M will want to go sailing?"

"As long as you don't call him that to his face," Lane laughs.

"Oh...I wouldn't," Payton replies, his face suddenly serious. "Don't tell him okay?"

"You're too cute Payton," Lane laughs.

"I'm not cute, I'm sexy," Payton pouts, "a sly, sexy fox."  He makes what he calls his 'suave' face and we burst out laughing, even Payton, as Ashton walks over and plops down next to him, throwing an arm over his shoulders.

"Sorry about last night guys, sorry I worried you."

"It's okay," Payton quickly replies. "I'm just glad you're okay. Just...um, please don't do that again?"

"I won't Pay, promise. No more parties, just classes, studying and homework until the semester ends."

"Promise?" Payton asks.

"I promise you," he replies ruffling his wavy, now messy hair. Ashton looks over at Lane and I. There's stuff I want to say to him, but I don't. I can tell by the look on his face that Master Matthias has said plenty and Ashton just needs us to be normal. I think Lane even knows it because he doesn't say a thing, and when does Lane ever hold back.

"I need more empanadas," Lane says, "You want me to get you some?" He looks at Ashton since Payton and I still have a few on our plates.

"Master Matthias made me a shit load of nutella pancakes," he says, rubbing his stomach. "But I suppose I can eat." He grabs one of Payton's empanadas and eats it in one bite. "Get more of these," he says with a mouthful of food.

"Okay, now we know you're okay," Payton jokes and Lane walks off to get more food. I don't know what Master Matthias said to him, and probably will never know, but I think Ash is going to be alright.

Payton asks Ashton about the lab project he was working on while I text Casey. The next few weeks will be hectic with the end of the semester coming, projects to finish and finals, but the reward will be worth it. Moving in with Casey. I can't believe it. After losing my parents I never thought I'd be truly happy. The loss was like a big hole that wouldn't fill. Not even with Aunt Camille or Payton or anyone...and, not that I don't still miss them every day...and I almost feel guilty even thinking this, but I finally feel at peace with it. I don't feel that empty feeling anymore. Casey fills that hole.

"Tommy, what are you snickering at?" Payton asks.

I laugh even harder because I didn't realize I was laughing out loud. But...get it, Casey fills that hole. I'm too embarrassed to tell them what I found so funny, even though it's total Payton and Ashton humor, so I just shake my head.

"He's probably sexting with Casey," Ashton chuckles.

"Eww, not in front of us!" Payton wails and looks away from me, holding a hand up so he can't see me. I shake my head and chuckle. Payton always makes me promise not to sext with Casey when he's in the room. He can watch people having sex at the club, but freaks if we're sending lewd messages to each other in front of him.

Lane shows up with more empanadas that he and Ashton scarf down within minutes before we all head off to our afternoon classes. Ashton agrees to meet me for a study session at the library tonight, to my relief. He may seem okay now, but we're all going to keep a good eye on him for a while.

--------

"I don't know what to do Tommy," Payton sighs as he plops down on his bed once we get back to our room after our last class for the day.

"What do you mean Pay?"

"I told Master Saber I'd go to this art show with him tonight...it was before me and Remy talked. I don't know," he says laying down on his side and turning towards the wall. "I kind of don't want to go now. It's not a date...I don't think. Nah, we're going just as friends, but...I just feel like I'm going to be thinking about Remy the whole time and that's not fair to Master Saber. What should I do?"

"I don't know Payton, I can't tell you what to do." Even though part of me wants to tell him to cancel. I honestly don't know how I became so Team Remy, especially since I saw first-hand how he hurt Payton that night when Casey and I picked him up at Matthias and Lane's. I guess I know the value of second chances and I've seen the way Payton looks at Remy. I honestly don't think Remy would hurt him again, at least not intentionally. And Master Saber, as nice as Payton says he is, I have to wonder why he is with those other three. I just don't get it. I sigh quietly. I honestly don't know. I just want my best friend to be happy, whoever can do that without hurting him.

"Nah, I'll go. It wouldn't be nice to cancel last minute and Master Saber...I mean Saber, is a nice guy, he doesn't deserve that. He already got the tickets. And tomorrow's Friday anyway, my date with Remy." Payton wiggles his eyebrows making me chuckle before he sits up, looks around the room, then stands and undresses, wraps a towel around his waist and grabs his shower stuff. "Off to the showers!" he shouts.

After Payton leaves the room I pick up my phone and text Casey. He's going to pick me up after I study tonight and I've been teasing him all through the day so he's as horny as me when he shows up.

Tommy: Just put a plug in so I'm ready for you tonight babe :P

Casey: You're killing me baby. I have two more clients to go, now I'll be spotting them with a hard-on

Tommy:   :o

Casey:   8===D ( ! )

Tommy:  Really???

Casey:   ;D

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tai

"Oh my god!" I yell as I burst into Tommy and Payton's dorm room.

"What Tai?" Tommy asks as he hands a shirt to Payton who's standing there only in a pair of blood red briefs. They look hot against his pale skin. Wow. Usually I drool over Ashton or Tommy, I never really noticed, but Payton's kind of hot in a cute way! A little on the short side, but tight little butt, not a ton of muscles, but firm and well-toned. Focus Tai!

"Oh...um, I had lunch with Master Ken today."

"That's nice," Tommy says with a smile.

"Yeah...but that's not all."

Tommy and Payton stop what they're doing and give me their full attention. Probably because I was a bit shouty, but hey, I'm excited!!!

"What?!" Tommy insists when I don't say anything fast enough while Payton just smiles as he pulls on a turquoise button-down shirt. Not something I would wear, but it does look good with his coloring.

"Tai!" Tommy says. "What is it, did you get into the summer dance program you auditioned for?"

"Well, yeah," I reply, even though that news is so...passe now, so 'who cares' .

"That's awesome! You'll get paid to dance and have a great addition to your resume. Perfect summer job!"

"But I'm turning it down."

"What?!" they both say at the same time.

"Yeah, I'm turning it down," I repeat casually.

"Why Tai?" Tommy asks and I smile because it makes me think of the Mai Tai I had with Master Ken to celebrate.  Which may be why I'm a bit hyper...but I'll keep that to myself since alcohol is a sensitive subject these days.

"Becaaaaaause," I drag out as I do a quick Saut de Chat across the small room, "I'm...." I stop as I flop onto Tommy's bed and grin.

"Because?" Tommy says.

"You're..." Payton says.

"I'm...goingtoAsiawithMasterKen!" I blurt out.

"What?"

"Master Ken is going to be traveling all throughout Asia...like all of Asia for the whole summer and he asked me to 'accompany him'," I say the last two words to sound like the more proper way Master Ken speaks. "So of course I said 'Fuck Yeah!'"

"Did you really say 'Fuck Yeah'?" Payton asks with a smirk.

"Well, not to his face, you know...Master Ken doesn't really like swearing and even though he's not really the kind of Dom who gives punishment, he has his own slightly diabolical and wholly effective ways of correcting behavior he doesn't like."

We all laugh and the guys ask me all sorts of questions. Some I know the answers to and some I don't...which makes me chuckle because they're questions I probably should have asked Master Ken, but I was too excited when he asked me to go with him. But it's okay, I have a valid passport and he's doing the rest.

"So it's kind of serious with you two now?" Tommy asks.

"Yeah...you know, not in so many words, but yeah. Master Ken isn't good at talking about that kind of stuff really, but he's said enough, and actions speak louder than words. So, yeah, we're definitely together."

"That's great Tai, I'm happy for you," Payton says and I notice that he's put on a nice pair of slacks and shoes...along with the button down shirt. "Where are you going boo?"

"I um...I'm going to an art show with...Ma...with Saber. Just as friends," he adds quickly.

"MASTER SABER?! I thought you were making the moves on Master Remy?"

Payton lets out a frustrated sigh.

"I'm just going as friends with Saber, it's not a date or anything and I told him that I'd changed my mind about scening with him and his brother. For real, it's just as friends. We both like art."

"Does Remy know?"

"He knows I'm going to an art show tonight, but I'm seeing him tomorrow...and we went on a bike ride to the aquarium last Sunday," he tells me with a wide grin.

"Look at you Payton," I tease, "playing the playboys, dominating the Doms."

"I'm not playing or dominating anybody Tai, can you take it down a notch or two? Did you forget to take your meds today?" he grumbles, his face turning bright red.

"Nah, I'm just in a good mood, I'm sorry boo," I say pulling him into a hug. "You deserve to have all of these guys at your feet. Just don't make it easy for them, keep them on their toes. It's good for them." I look at Tommy who's stifling a laugh.

I hear a phone chirp and Payton looks down at his cell. "Okay guys, my ride is here, I'll see you later."

"You mean your date," I tease and he glares at me.  So sensitive!

He looks at Tommy who straightens his collar and fixes his hair like he's his mother before giving him a kiss on the cheek. "Have fun tonight Pay," he says.

"Thanks Tommy. Bye Tai," he adds as he walks to the door. I'd hug him goodbye too, but I'm too comfortable stretched out on Tommy's bed so I blow him a big kiss.

"Kids," I sigh after he closes the door behind him. "They just grow up so fast."

I block a pillow that comes flying at me and tuck it under my head. "So how's our boy Ash? Have you seen him today? I was thinking of stopping over to his room, you wanna come?" I ask.

"We saw him this afternoon, he seemed okay," Tommy replies. "I think he scared himself and it rattled him enough that he's thinking a little straighter..."

"Straighter? Our boy's gone rogue? He wants chicks now?"

"Tai, you fool, you know what I mean. He just seemed...more himself I guess. I think he's going to be okay. We're studying together tonight, but let's stop over now and see if he wants to go grab some dinner. Payton left his dining hall pass so you can pretend to be Pay."

"Can we go to the one with the good salad bar? That other dining hall was nasty."

"Sure, come on, let's go see what Ash is up to."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Payton

Thank god it's finally Friday! I think to myself, and it's a nice evening so I decide to wait outside for Master Remy...I mean Remy. Tommy already left to spend the night with Casey and all I was doing in the room was pacing. Why is it that I'm more nervous about my date with Remy tonight than with Saber last night. Eh, I don't need to be a psychology expert to know it's because the thing with Saber is just friends and the thing with Remy...I do actually want to be more. I don't want Remy to see me as...I don't know, a silly sub or inexperienced freshman. I've had major feelings for him since the very first time I met him...since I spilled my drink all over him and looked up into his stern, dark eyes. God he was sexy. Sex on legs. Ugh. So big and handsome... and muscular. Perfection and all I thought then was that he was so far out of my league he was in a different time zone.

How I got from there to here...where he might actually like me, I just can't fathom it. I want to slap myself awake, I mean, is this just really a big hoax? A big old joke. Remy Delacroix is interested in Payton Johns? It doesn't seem possible, but...Tommy says it's true and he would never lie to me. Remy said it himself...I don't think he'd lie to me or try to hurt me after what happened before. I know Lane and Master Matthias are looking out for me and I'm sure Master Matthias put him through the ringer when he heard Remy was going to pursue me. If he survived that...then it's possible.

Things seem almost perfect right now. Tommy's happy with Casey; Lane, of course, is beyond happy with Master Matthias; Tai and Master Ken are traveling together all summer; Chris and Master Clark are now an item; maybe Me and Remy...the only thing that makes it not perfect is Ash. Why can't things have worked out with him and Master Gideon. It's just not fair.

"Why the long face mon petit chouchou?"

I look up and there he is. God he's gorgeous. I laugh, "I'm not a little cabbage," I say in mock annoyance even though I know he doesn't mean it literally, it's a common term of endearment in French meaning my little darling or sweetie.

"Non?" he says with a grin. "You are my little, sexy red fox."

Little? Sigh.

I stand up and he pulls me over so quickly I lose my balance and fall into his arms. Not on purpose, I swear, though I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose. And I don't really mind anyway.

Our biking date last Sunday was strictly platonic, two friends hanging out just like he'd said it would be, until he dropped me off. We'd biked back to campus where he had left his Land Rover which he'd installed a bike rack on the back. I locked up my bike under the overhang between the dorms while he hoisted his bike up onto his car. I went back to say goodbye and he had this look in his eyes. It made my heart skip a beat, it was so serious, his eyes seemed darker and full of lust and longing and I didn't know what to do. He solved that problem by stalking the few steps between us and pulling me into him and before I could say a thing, those soft full lips of his were pressed against mine. It was one of those iconic kisses you see in the movies. The kind that make you weak in the knees even if you're just watching them on the big screen. In person, they turn your legs into jello.

Of course I didn't fight the kiss. Nope, I was all in. I let him lead, but I took everything he gave me. I tasted his lips and his tongue and memorized everything about the way he tasted, slightly minty with a hint of coffee from a stop at the coffee shop earlier. I focused on how soft his lips were so that I'd be able to remember afterward and play it over in my head. I moaned at the way he held my upper arms firmly so I would neither fall or pull away. God that was so fucking sexy. That I've definitely played over in my head about a hundred zillion times.

When he finally broke the kiss we were both breathing funny. He kept me close for a few minutes, pressing his forehead against mine as we caught our breaths. Part of me wanted to kiss him some more, but I didn't want to push him so I waited for him to decide.

"I'm sorry Payton, that wasn't quite a 'friends' kiss was it?"

"No, but I didn't mind it...I liked it."

"I made you a promise though."

"Sir...Remy, that was a stellar kiss, I don't regret it so please don't you regret it or I'll feel bad."

"It was stellar," he replied with a chuckle. That deep chuckle of his that sends instant tingles to my cock...not like it already wasn't getting excited after that kiss.

"I should go, you have to study and I need to read over some reports for a breakfast meeting tomorrow."

"Okay. So...we're still on for Friday?" I ask.

"Of course. Sooner if I didn't have to go out of town, but I'll check up on you while I'm away."

"Okay. That'd be nice. Um...I hope your meetings go well."

He chuckled again. I'm so glad he finds me so entertaining I thought to myself. But it made me happy because I think it's in a good way, not a bad way.

~~

So here I find myself in his arms again and that whole 'just friends' thing seems to be on a fast track out the window. But I'm okay with that. Especially after Wednesday night, he was so great when Ashton was in the hospital. I think I would have gone nuts if he hadn't shown up and stayed with me all night while we all waited to see if he was okay.

When Ashton finally woke up and his friend Sean had gone in to talk to him, the rest of us weren't sure if he was going to see us. Lane ended up going in and telling him he had to just let us come in for two minutes to see he was okay and we would leave. He promised that we wouldn't ask him any questions. I was glad Ash said it was okay because if I hadn't seen him with my own eyes I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep.

When I walked in Ashton's room I almost burst into tears, but I squeezed Remy's hand and held it in because I knew that if I broke down it would only make Ashton feel worse. I walked over and gave him a hug. I said I was sorry and that I loved him. He didn't say anything, I think he was in the same boat. If he tried to say anything he would have burst into tears, but I could see in his eyes that he was saying it was okay and he loved me too. And then in the morning I got a text from him telling me I didn't need to apologize and that he was lucky to have such great friends. That was about as direct a conversation about it all as I figured we'd have, but that's okay. I know Ashton and he knows me and we communicate the way that works best for us.

"Where are you chouchou? You seem a million miles away?" Remy says and I realize that I'm still in his strong arms, holding on as if I hadn't seen him in forever.

"I'm here. Just thinking about what a crazy week it's been and how grateful I am that you were there the other night. Thank you. And thank you for taking me back to my dorm and staying with me until I fell asleep. I'm sorry I was such a mess."

"You weren't a mess. You were a concerned friend. Ashton is lucky to have friends like you and the others. I was proud of you and Lane for getting Ashton to the hospital quickly and safely, he could have died if you two hadn't acted so quickly."

That thought once again sends a shudder through me. "I'm sorry Payton, I shouldn't have brought that up again. It's over now, Ashton is fine and he's learned a good lesson."

"Yeah, I think all of us won't be going to any stupid house parties anymore. God college kids are dumb," I say.

"Eh, some of them. Some of them are pretty smart," he adds with a kiss to my nose. "Mmm, you blush so easily, it's so damn cute Payton."

"Stop it, you're embarrassing me," I reply and roll my eyes at how whiny I sounded. "Let's go to the movies, this is getting way too mushy for in front of my dorm. We don't need to be giving anybody a show," I add as I glance back and see some of the guys from my floor watching us.

"Well at least they'll know you're mine."

I laugh. "You don't have to worry about any of the guys here, none of them are exactly breaking down my door. I'm not even sure if they know who I am."

"That's fine by me," he says and I look away and roll my eyes again. I got away with it the first time, but didn't think I should push it again. He is a Dom after all, even if we're not together that way. (Yet).

Wait a minute. I look up as he opens the passenger door and gives me a wink. Did he say I was his? He did...but I'm too embarrassed to say anything or point it out.

"What movie do you want to see?" he asks as he slides into the driver's seat.

"I didn't really have a chance to see what's playing, but most of the shows begin between 7:00 and 7:40, so I figured we can pick one when we get there."

Once we get on the highway which will take us just outside the city where there is a huge multiplex, Remy reaches over and takes my hand. His large hand is cool and it feels good against the skin of my own. I squeeze it to make sure it's real and he squeezes back.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly because I feel so happy right now I can burst. I stop any thoughts about wondering when the other shoe will drop and just let myself enjoy the here and now. I'm just going to take things one day at a time, one minute at a time if I have to because worrying about what could happen or what could go wrong is just a waste of time and energy.

--------

"What would you like for dinner? We can go anywhere you'd like?" Remy asks after we've left the movies. The movie was good, it was about a guy who got left on Mars and had to survive until he could get rescued. But even better was sitting next to Remy, holding his hand, sharing popcorn and M&M's. It was simple and sweet.

"I don't care, nothing fancy. Maybe just pizza?"

"I know a good place that makes their pizza in wood fired ovens and they do a great Caesar salad too."

"That sounds really good."

"It's up near my apartment, it will take about 45 minutes to get there."

"That will give us a chance to get hungry again after the popcorn."

"Good point."

"I can show you my new place afterward if you want to come up for a drink?"

"Sure."

Remy puts on the radio and finds a good station while I look out the window and think about the fact that he just invited me up to his apartment and wonder what it means. Does it mean anything or does he just want to show me his apartment because it's new. Should I be nervous? Does he think we're going to...

"Payton."

"Hmm?" I look over and quickly try to put on a neutral expression.

"Don't look nervous. I just want to show you my new apartment, we can have a drink, talk for a bit and then I'll take you back to your dorm. I promise. Nothing else will happen."

"I know," I squeak.

"Are you sure? We can find a place for dinner closer to campus if you prefer."

"No, I want to go the place you were talking about and I also want to see your apartment."

"Okay. Good. I haven't shown anyone yet...well except Christophe, but only when he helped me move in. No one has seen it all unpacked and set up. So you'll be my first guest."

"Cool."

-------------

"So what do you think?" Remy asks as I wander around his large apartment. It's kind of modern looking, or contemporary I guess it's called. "It's very bachelor-chic," I say.

"Is that good?"

"It's fine. It's nice. It's not like I know anything about decorating. I live in a cramped dorm," I laugh. "But this is comfortable and sophisticated without being stodgy," I say for lack of anything better to say because he's looking at me so intently. "I like your couch," I say, pointing to the black leather sofa that has two footrests that pull out so two people can sit in it...like a giant recliner. And that's a huge TV."

"Thanks. It was a housewarming present from Lane and Matthias. I don't watch much TV, but at least it fills up that wall."

I look around and realize that he has a lot of empty wall space.

"You need some art to make the place more personal. I can take you to some galleries to look. I went to a bunch last night and saw a lot of really cool stuff."

"That's right, you mentioned that."

"Yeah...I went with Saber," I say and the quickly add, "just as friends."

"You don't have to explain Payton."

"I just wanted you to know that. I bumped into him at a museum downtown once and we both like art and he had tickets to an art show and..."

"Payton, it's okay. I understand."

"Okay. Cause...I'm not going to scene with him or anything..." I blurt out because I just want to get it out on the table.

"I know, I know," he says with a chuckle and walks over, pulling me into his arms. I could get used to this.

Remy gives me a chaste kiss on the lips before stepping away. "What can I get you to drink?"

"What are you having?"

"I'm just going to have a Vernor's since I'm driving you home."

"I'll have the same please," I say since I'm sticking clear of alcohol for a while.

While Remy goes off to his kitchen to get us our drinks I sit down on the big leather sofa and try out the retractable footrest. Out, in, out, in, then out and I sit back.

"Comfortable isn't it?"

"Yeah. I could totally sleep in this. Throw a blanket over me and I'd be fine for the next 8 hours."

"Say the word and I will."

I laugh, but don't reply because I'm not quite sure what to say.

"Don't be so nervous around me Payton," Remy says, placing our drinks on a coffee table and crouching in front of me. "I don't bite...well at least not too hard."

"I know," I say. "It's not that I'm nervous around you in particular, I'm just not used to, like, dating."

"Well, you're doing fine and there's no pressure to be anyone you're not. Just be yourself. I like you just the way you are."

"Okay," I agree.

"Here, have some pop," he says, handing me one of the glasses.

"Thanks."

"So, you'll take me shopping for some art?" Remy stands up and sits down on the couch next to me, leaning back so we're both reclining.

"Yeah, It'll be fun."

"Great. My apartment needs some color and a more personal touch."

"We can go this weekend...I mean, unless you're busy."

"I'm free all weekend, I just don't want to interfere with your studying."

"You won't. I can't sit and study all day anyway, it makes me go stir crazy. It will be a good break."

We make plans for late Saturday afternoon and then after a little while Remy says that he'll take me home before it gets too late. On the ride back he actually seems nervous and when we pull into the parking lot by my dorm I ask him if something is wrong.

"No, I just wanted to talk to you about something."

"Okay. Shoot," I say, wondering what it's about. Oh no, is the other shoe going to drop now?

"I don't want to rush things Payton, but I guess you realize that I definitely want us to be more than friends."

"Yeah," I chuckle. "I want that too though. I was trying to figure out how I was going to bring it up. I think I'm ready...I um, I'd like to be your submissive if you'll have me." I look down, my heart pounding in my chest at the fact that I just said all that, and scared that he'll say no. Me and rejection aren't good buddies.

"Look up at me Payton."

I take a deep breath and look up.

"I want that too, even more than that, but that's a good start. But before I take this any further, I want to be completely honest with you and then you can make that decision."

I suddenly feel a little sick. What's he going to tell me? Is he still with that guy from France? My heart is racing even faster and I feel hot, almost feverish and I'm frozen in my seat.

"What...did you want to tell me?" I finally ask, my mouth dry.

"That night, New Year's Eve, after you left, I did something I regret."

I feel my heart fall into the pit of my stomach.

"You slept with Fabien?"

Remy is silent for a minute and then lets out a deep sigh. He did. He doesn't have to say anything.

I mean, after what Lane told me, I figured he had and I even got passed it. Fabien was his submissive and I rationalized it all to hell and it didn't matter anyway because nothing happened between us. Then, time went by and we became friends and it was behind us. I was totally over that. Then why does it hurt so much now?

Somehow, bringing it up again, making it real, reawakens the pain, that deep ache I felt that night.

"After you left, I was highly agitated. It's no excuse and I'm not trying to make excuses. What I did was wrong and I want to be completely honest with you."

"It wasn't wrong," I interrupt. "Fabien was your submissive, you had every right to, I was nothing to you."

"You weren't nothing to me, you could never be nothing to me," he growls.

Remy takes a second to catch his breath before he continues. "I was angry, not at you, at myself, at Fabien, at my friend who brought him from France. I was upset that I'd hurt you and I didn't know where to put all these feelings and emotions that were swirling around. Fabien, well he knows how to push my buttons and he did just that. We had that kind of relationship. No real affection, it was only about the release between us. The scene and the release. I regretted it immediately and I have not had sex with anyone since. I promise you that."

I try to figure out how I feel, but I just feel numb. No pain, just...nothing. Almost like I am on the outside watching this interaction between myself and Remy.

"Payton?"

"I...I'm going to go inside now."

"Payton, please talk to me. Get angry, yell, something. I promise, if you'll be mine, I will never hurt you like that again. I will do everything in my power to build a trust between us."

"I...I believe you. I just need to think."

"What are you feeling?" he asks.

"I don't know. I just need time to think, I'm sorry Remy. I'm not mad, I promise, I'm not mad. I truly feel like you had every right to do that..."

"But it still hurts. I know that Payton. It hurts me that I caused you pain, that I'm causing it now, again, but if we are going to be together, it will be with full disclosure and total honesty."

"I'm going to go inside now."

"Will you call or text me tomorrow?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Good night Payton. I had a great time tonight."

"Me too. Thanks," I say and then open the door when I see him begin to lean toward me. I can't kiss him right now.

"I'll walk you in," he says.

"No, I'm fine." I hop out of the Discovery and shut the door. "Um, good night Remy, thanks again."

Before he can reply I turn and walk quickly to the door. I give him a quick wave goodbye before I go inside. He looks wrecked and I feel guilty. I let out a sigh and go upstairs to the room. Tommy is at Casey's, which is okay. All I want to do is go to bed and sleep, and not think about any of this.

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