This chapter will be discussing grief and my experiences with trying to deal with it. I should preface this by saying I don't believe that there is a 'quick' way to move past a loss. Everyone is different, some people will be able to move past their grief within a few months, some may take years and some may never fully move past it at all. I have seen all three cases so believe me I know. The best healer in my opinion is time. They say that time heals all wounds and I believe that for grief especially this is very true.

During this chapter I will be talking about the different things I have tried to move past my grief and also give some of my own advice. Please remember that everyone is different, just because I didn't find one of these things helpful doesn't mean you won't. Try every opportunity that is handed to you. 

So let us begin with the first part of this journey. For the purposes of the story we'll call her Miss Seel. Miss Seal was a sort of 'behavioural expert' at my school. The reason that's in air quotes is because every person I know who was receiving 'help' from her didn't find her helpful at all. 

Miss Seel was a person who you had a 15 minute meeting with once a week to discuss your grades and classes as well as any problems your teachers had with your performance. She mostly complained at you for 15 minutes. She was apparently capable of dealing with students going through grief, depression, anxiety (more on that later), ADHD, Autism and Dyslexia. Anyone who has any of these things or knows someone who has, knows that they are all VERY different things. They cannot all be treated the same way. Unfortunately Miss Seel thought that everyone who had any of these things would act exactly the same and that the same thing would be helpful to everyone. As someone who had a friend (Harriet) who was Dyslexic I can assure you that the way you help someone with Dyslexia and the way you help someone going through grief are not the same.

So anyway, I was asked to see Miss Seel once a week from early January onwards. I ended up only seeing her for 6 weeks. This is the reason. 

As my grandad passed away on November the 14th I found it extremely hard to write the number 14 after what happened. When writing the date in my workbooks I would simply leave the number blank if it was the 14th and I would ask my mum to fill it in for me at home. I would even ask her to do this if one of the questions or answers in our maths lessons was 14. Miss Seel noticed this when I forgot to ask my mum to do this in the middle of February. She asked me why I wasn't filling in the date correctly. This is what happened next:

"I can't write the number 14" I replied, barely able to even say the number let alone write it.

"Why not?" 

"Because...My grandad passed away on the 14th of November."

"Oh not this again. It's been 3 months. You should have got over it by now."

Yes, that was her actual response. For anyone going through grief who happens to meet your own Miss Seel I'm telling you that you should not have 'got over it in 3 months'. Perhaps after 3 months you have moved past it but not everyone works in the same way. I tried telling her this but she simply said I need to get over it and start writing the date properly. 

After a visit to the school by my mum I didn't have to see Miss Seel again. (At least not for another year.)

Story number 2: After I moved into the next year I was offered a new service that was called Dragonflies (yes that is it's real name) it's entire purpose was to help students going through grief. 

All we really did during the weekly sessions was arts and crafts, which while I enjoy these immensely now, I didn't find this helpful at the time. Here are all of the things I remember making. 

I remember that we made a jar of coloured sand which we dyed using food colouring. We made a jar which we filled with positive things about oursleves. And finally we made a pillowcase, by made I mean we drew on it with fabric pens. I actually still have the sand jar. I gifted the pillowcase to my nan. I think she really likes it as I put a whole bunch of things on it that my grandad used to like. I wouldn't say that this type of coping mechanism isn't helpful, but it did not help me personally. Though I do still have fond memories of making the things I got out of the experience.

So what exactly was it that helped me in the end? Time. I never really found my 'thing' that helped me to move past my grief. If there was one then I have no idea what it was. I found that after a few years I began to not feel as sad when it came to my grandad's birthday or the anniversary of the day he died. I now feel happy again at Christmas time. 

I would like to give you two pieces of advice at the end of this chapter. The first is this. If you ever lose someone close to you, don't let anyone tell you when it's time you 'got over it' or 'got better'. That time will come one day. But the term 'getting over it' is not the right term. I don't think anyone ever fully gets over losing someone close to them.

 I think you reach a point where you have accepted that the person is gone and you realise that they would want you to enjoy your own life. Every person who you have lost wants that for you. They want to be remembered but they don't want to consume your life. The time when that realisation reaches you is your business and no one else's. No one can tell you when that time will come. The only thing I will tell you is this 'this too shall pass' this is a mantra which I have used to remember that brighter days will come. You will move past this as a strong and beautiful human being. The person who you have lost will not hate you for moving past your grief, they will be happy you are living your own life.

Second, I want to say that you will be happy again. It took me 5 years to get to where I am today. You may think that you won't be happy again. In your time of grief you may feel like the loss you have suffered is too much to bear. Life seems like it will never be the same. It won't be the same of course but life always goes on. You will eventually reach that point where you feel ready to move on and continue with your own life. Any person who tries to rush you to reach that point, ignore them. This is your life, your loss and your grief. Just remember a brighter day is coming and the sun will shine on you again.