As you can see this story takes place across multiple chapters. This is going to be my experience with mental illness. The first part of this story will talk about my diagnosis and my experience with my mental illness and the coping mechanisms I have tried. In part 2 I will discuss my opinions on what caused me to develop a mental illness and in part 3 I will discuss where I am with my mental illness and how it affects me today.

So....part 1: The diagnosis. 

I went to my doctor as I was struggling with severe amounts of stress over my schoolwork. I was also unable to concentrate on my exams in the large hall as I felt overwhelmed by the size of the room. I was imagining faces staring at me from all around the room, laughing and jeering at me. 

When I described to my doctor how I was feeling and the symptoms I was suffering with, she diagnosed me with Agoraphobia (the fear of large or open spaces) and GAD: Generalised Anxiety Disorder, though today I think my symptoms better fit with social anxiety. I was happy to finally have a diagnosis for what I was experiencing.

Then came telling my school. I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder in January of 2018 meaning I have suffered with my anxiety for over 4 years. Upon telling my school, they didn't seem to understand it at all. I tried many ways of explaining it to them but no one knew what to do to help me. 

I will speak more about what my school did to try and help in part 3 but for now I'm going to discuss what exactly anxiety is for me.

Anxiety and me:

Anxiety can be one of two things. For most people it is a feeling you get during a stressful time. Most people feel anxious before taking an exam or going to a job interview. Anxiety Disorders are not that. 

An anxiety disorder is where you are anxious about things that other people aren't. Most people won't get anxious about going to the shop. Or ordering something in a cafe or restaurant. An Anxiety Disorder is something which controls someone's life. This means different things for everyone. Some things that make me panicked and anxious may be perfectly simple for someone else. These are only the things I struggle with. Like with grief, not everyone who has Anxiety can be put in the same box. So here are the things I struggle with: 

1. Asking for food in cafes, restaurants and takeaways. Most people won't think twice about popping into their local takeaway and ordering a pizza. But for me I always think that the other person is judging me. I always think they're thinking god what a weirdo who only has ham and cheese on pizza. Or if I'm in a cafe, I usually order off of the children's menu as I have a small appetite, I think they think I'm being cheap or that there's something wrong with me. To be honest they most likely don't care, but my Anxiety tells me that they're judging me.

2. Walking down the street. Yep, really. I think that when I'm walking down the street people are staring at me. Not because I think I'm pretty or I'm self obsessed. But because I think people are judging what I wear, or how I look. I think that if someone looks at me and starts talking to the person they are with, they're talking about me or making some horrible comment about me. Even when passing car drivers look at me I feel the same way. 

3.Being in busy places. Ok this one is a quite common thing in people with Social Anxiety, but the feeling of being trapped by people in a shop or inside somewhere is terrifying to me. I usually don't go in shops or on public transport when they're busy. I hate feeling like I can't escape. I need easy access to an exit. This is usually the most common reason I suffer a panic attack.

4. Speaking in public. I don't mean in general. I mean when it comes to speeches or interviews or asking for help in a shop. Even messaging or calling people makes me feel anxious incase the recipient misunderstands me. I have had one job interview in my life and it didn't go well. I usually suffer from one of two situations when I'm talking to someone. Either I become really quiet and don't know what to say so I just nod or say "yeah" to everything, or I become a talkative mess and don't shut up, then immediately regret it after. 

And finally 5. Social events and special occasions. I hate parties. I'm sorry but I do. I don't like making conversations with people as most of the people in my life have very different lives, hobbies and interests than I do. Making conversation with someone when they talk to you about gardening when you couldn't care less about gardening is boring. Usually the person will talk for a while whilst I pretend to be interested then eventually they either get to the end of what they wanted to say or they realise that you're not interested. Then you either sit in an awkward silence until they are engaged in a conversation with someone else. Or you change the subject to talk about your own topic of choice and feel awful as they are either offended that you changed the subject or they pretend to be interested. Either way the conversations I have at parties play on my mind for days afterwards.

So that's it. That's my Anxiety in it's full form. During the next part I'll discuss some of the things that cause mental illnesses and what I think caused mine as well as what we can do to help people with mental illnesses. But for now I want to tell you that if you or someone you know suffers with a mental illness of any kind there is hope. Sometimes Anxiety has no effect on my day and I'm able to spend time with people and do the things I love. And sometimes I don't want to leave the house or do anything. 

Anxiety is different for everyone. Never forget that. The main thing I want to express is that you are still you. An Anxiety diagnosis or diagnosis of any mental illness does not make you any less of a person. It doesn't make you weird or abnormal, it makes you different. Not a bad kind of different. If we were all the same the world would be pretty boring wouldn't it? I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you are still the same person you were before your diagnosis as you are now. Yes things are different after you get diagnosed but you can find your own way of dealing with it. For me that's crafting, writing and reading. I love sharing my own thoughts with others, I love giving gifts that I've made and I love to learn and read about characters and worlds that I can escape into and connect with. (Yes I am a Ravenclaw for all you Potterheads out there.) I love sharing my stories with you.   

You will find some way that you can deal with your mental illness. That may be through therapy or counselling, but those are not the only options. I for one have never been to therapy or counselling as I have found my own coping mechanism. The best advice I can give is to do what you feel is best. If you find something that works for you that isn't harming yourself or anyone else, great go for it. Just remember you never get over a mental illness, there is no be all and end all cure, but what there is is hope. You will find a way to improve your illness and make it less of a monster and more of a minor detail. Whatever you choose to do to improve your mental health, always remember to never be scared to talk to someone. After all, together we can accomplish anything.